Hey, NFL - I Was Thinking...

I was watching football over the Holiday weekend and was amazed at the number of empty seats in the stands. LP Field in Nashville, home of the Tennessee Titans, a decent team with a 6-5 record, was maybe half empty. An optimist might call that stadium half-full, but when you're talking about an NFL venue, you would rather be Lambeau Field, a stadium that would sell out even if the Packers were winless well into the season. Qualcomm Stadium in San Diego also had large sections of empty seats, a strange thing when the Denver Tebows were in town, the hottest topic in all of sports right now.

Television coverage for a football fan can be very frustrating, particularly if you rely on the networks and don't have some pricey premium package. (Let's not even talk about the ridiculous dispute between the NFL Network and the cable giants, who can't come to terms, thus depriving us from even considering a pricey premium package.) So if you live on the East Coast, it will be a rare day when you get to see the Seahawks, the Raiders or the 49ers play. Down here in Florida, we are subjected to Buccaneers, Dolphins or Jaguars games; three teams that make up the Triangle of Suck in the NFL. If we aren't being made to watch them stink up the field, then the networks assume we want to see the Patriots. Recent weekends, I have seen more of Tom Brady and that homeless guy who coaches the Patriots than I have my own dog.

When football is not on, the Sports Centers of TV and the web or the Sports Sections of print and online journalism are talking about football. It is, no one can argue, the new national pastime. We don't give a crap about baseball, in comparison. We eat it up, can't get enough of it, and will watch the sorriest matchup in history if it is the only game on TV. 

Which brings me to my point. A football fan will watch any game if it is the only game available. So...WHAT IF...the NFL played six days a week? (My original plan called for seven days a week, but I'm reminded that Saturday is college football day, and that would not sit well with the American football watching public to mix it up like that.)

The season would still be 17 weeks long, you'd just have fewer games per day. There are 32 teams, which makes 15 games a week, allowing for two teams having a bye every week. So, two games on Monday, two on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. On Sunday you'd have two early games, two late games and one night game. If a team plays on a Monday, to avoid fatigue and allow for jet-lag recovery, that team plays the following week on a Tuesday.  It would be a scheduling nightmare, to be sure, but not one that some innovative programmer couldn't overcome. A fan could conceivably watch every game all season long, granted with a little back and forth on the remote control between the games happening simultaneously.

What about the other TV shows that would get bumped if CBS, FOX or NBC were to take this on? Oh, how sad it would be if 2 Broke Girls or Whitney or one more CSI wasn't available. Move it to another night or time. If the networks follow the money, which they will, they know that the NFL is a ratings bonanza. Let ESPN and ESPN 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and The Ocho get in on the bidding. Advertising, dollars, ratings, licensing, perhaps even stadium attendance will be affected. (We all know that a nationally televised game fills seats better than one only available in the local market.)

I'm sure there are too many interests involved in a plan like this for it ever to really happen, the most powerful likely being the NFL and their precious NFL Network, but I'm throwing it out there. Football fans and football haters are invited to weigh in in the comments section. Tell me why I'm wrong, why this won't work, or what we could do to make it happen. If you're a fan of Whitney, just be quiet. That show is getting canceled and you know it.    

Let's Give The Blue Hairs Some Ammo in This Fight

Not that it's a fight anymore, really, since Jay Leno got his old show back and will continue to make America not laugh every night until he finally retires to his warehouse full of luxury motorcars sometime in the very distant future.

It's a case of generations, or maybe just a case of sense of humor. Conan makes you cringe with him, that painful kind of humor they do on shows like The Office. Leno makes you cringe AT him, that painful kind of humor they do on say, Full House.

Conesy is doing an excellent job with his walking papers and $32 million. And that guy who created the Coco poster is making a little money. So even in defeat at the hands of Chinboy and the execs at NBC, Conesy seems like the real winner.

That's not fair to the folks with lace doilies on their armchairs. They got their nice young man back, that funny Italian fellow who tells the jokes. So why are they being treated like the bad guys? That skinny Irish man wasn't funny at all! He got what he deserved! Hurray for Jay!

The Tuscany of Canada

Just watch. They have that big outdoor feast cliché happening in a beautiful field of green.

Finally, Michael J. Fox found a job, and so did Sarah McLachlan, who has been milking her ancient sad song in the service of dying puppies for way too long. Not that British Columbia really needs promoting, but they threw together a host of local celebs who urge you to come see their home. But I was sold on the beauty of BC long ago, first by Steve Martin's "Roxanne," filmed in Nelson, BC, then by Robert Kaplan's "An Empire Wilderness," in which after traipsing through a dystopian American landscape, the author finds a true Emerald City in Vancouver.



Never been, but it sure looks nice. I'm sold. I may even have been convinced that my expatriate destination of choice is no longer South Australia. Oh, wait: "According to the International Housing Affordability Survey of 2009, Vancouver was ranked at 262 out of 265 cities in six countries, so it's less affordable than New York (ranked at 251st place)."

I guess that explains the celebrities.

Please Submit a Drawing of Your Raccoon Extermination Plan

All the good female comedians leave SNL and get better gigs, as the word on the street is that Lorne Michaels is a tightwad, egomaniacal bastard. OK, not true for Cheri Oteri, Ana Gasteyer, Nora Dunn, Jan Hooks and Maya Rudolph, although Rudolph's new movie looks promising in an indie-arthouse-under-the-radar-selected-cities kind of way. I guess I'm only thinking of Tina Fey. And now Amy Poehler.

In a bit of well-done advance press for Poehler's new sitcom "Parks and Recreation," NBC has created a subtle and wry site that mimics well the small, Midwestern city government website. It's fictitious Pawnee, Indiana, complete with a fake city seal depicting dead buffalo and denuded forests courtesy of the white man. The comedy is scattered in lightly in that Onion-y way, making people like me (who used to read Mad magazine cover to cover and even in the margins for fear of missing a hidden joke) scour the whole thing for cheap chuckles. And of course you can follow the upcoming show on Twitter.

Now This is Adverrtising

Advertising used to be a black art. It required subtlety and innuendo, vague nudging and then gentle calls to action. Whispers and suggestions. Before you knew it, you're at a bar saying, "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken." But we're too jaded and cynical for most of those methods now. Sure, lingerie and exotic cars can still be sold that way, but now we want you to make us laugh while you're selling your stuff. Baby e-trade is a good example.

Below, the self-mocking, self-aware ad reaches its high point. Nothing hidden here. No attempt to be subtle. Just product, in your face, done by a couple of established sketch comedians using one of their well-known sketches as the vehicle. From SNL last night, Will Forte and Kristen Wigg in "MacGruber" selling Pepsi with the real MacGyver, Richard Dean Anderson.

The first one establishes the joke as a product placement.



The product placement gets more blatant.



Then, the over-the-top payoff.



Congratulations to Pepsi and their new agency, TBWA/Chiat/Day for pulling off this stunt. You think it's just another episode of MacGruber as they go into the commercial break, then you are sucked in by the ruse and you don't even care. It's comedy to sell Pepsi. And they even talked MacGyver out of retirement for the series. I can forgive that stupid logo change now.

But I'm a Coke man. As much as I admire this work, I'm not switching unless the restaurant I'm in only offers Pepsi. Honestly, my taste buds aren't so refined that I could actually tell much difference, but if I'm standing in front of two vending machines selling competing soft drinks, I'm probably going for the Coke. It's just a loyalty thing they conditioned me into believing years ago. If Pepsi wants to buy away my loyalty, we can talk.

Bring The Funny

Larger

UPDATE: Martin actually was funny. If only he would stick to sketch comedy, music or stand-up and leave the Jerry Lewis-styled movies alone. Bad plastic surgery forgiven, Steve.

Also of note: MacGruber/Pepsi. Pure genius advertising for the SNL-watching culture. Completelty self-aware and self-mocking, Pepsi and SNL teamed-up for the most shameless and hilarious commercials ever. When I can find the clip, I'll post it. Starring Will Forte in his usual role as the MacGyver knockoff. Extra touch of brilliance: also starring the real MacGyver, Richard Dean Anderson.