We'll Call It "Whispering Monkey Skull at Tuscany Pointe"

I passed this giant piece of limestone sitting out in front of a subdivision in Ormond Beach.

The Tuscany of Canada

Just watch. They have that big outdoor feast cliché happening in a beautiful field of green.

Finally, Michael J. Fox found a job, and so did Sarah McLachlan, who has been milking her ancient sad song in the service of dying puppies for way too long. Not that British Columbia really needs promoting, but they threw together a host of local celebs who urge you to come see their home. But I was sold on the beauty of BC long ago, first by Steve Martin's "Roxanne," filmed in Nelson, BC, then by Robert Kaplan's "An Empire Wilderness," in which after traipsing through a dystopian American landscape, the author finds a true Emerald City in Vancouver.



Never been, but it sure looks nice. I'm sold. I may even have been convinced that my expatriate destination of choice is no longer South Australia. Oh, wait: "According to the International Housing Affordability Survey of 2009, Vancouver was ranked at 262 out of 265 cities in six countries, so it's less affordable than New York (ranked at 251st place)."

I guess that explains the celebrities.

New Tuscany Condos Probably Won't Be Called Tuscan Pointe

In the actual region of Tuscany, I wonder if these two workers pouring a porch on a condo construction job realize that across the world, in the fabled land of L'America, upper middle class white people think that God created Tuscany just for them to imitate.

Be it tile, paint, furniture, real estate, food or drink, we will somehow attach this image to any item named Tuscan: A Sunny Afternoon Feast spread out on a Big Oak Table Outdoors with a Rolling Hills Countryside Background while a Gentle Breeze Blows through a Renaissance Romance. Ah, yes. People will pay for that image. They will pay more than whatever you're selling is worth.

Great Explorers and Their Cunning Branding

It's going to be 85 today.

It is said that Erik the Red misleadingly named Greenland in order to lure settlers. True, portions of Greenland are green, but for the most part, Erik was a con man real estate speculator. I've also heard that they named Iceland in order to ward off settlers, as in, "We're keeping this paradise a secret." (I'm boring the American readers right now, who regard Greenland and Iceland as part of Canada or Denmark or someplace where they wear wooden shoes.)

Years ago, when Central Florida was being discovered by wealthy Northeasterners, they were in the same situation as Erik. They needed more people down here to make their little dream of paradise a reality, so they branded everything with the name "Winter." Winter Garden, Winter Haven, Winter Park, Winter Springs. And the people came, and they were all, "Damn! Someone needs to invent air conditioning! Why didn't you name it 'Sweltering Hell Hole'? or 'Place of Many Bugs'? We're going home. Send us more oranges."

And then the great explorer and con man real estate speculator Walt Disney bought up a bunch of land really cheap and the people came back to see what Walt had built. And they were all, "Damn! It's 85 degrees in December. Let's move here." And now everything is named after an imaginary village in Tuscany.

Locals Only: Goin' Tuscan

Part XI in a series on very local advertising

Again, as every week, the free pink ad thingy lands in the driveway. Here's a cover ad, half page, where the company's name is "Tuscany," because as we all know, if you lay down a Tuscan Tile in your home, you will be enjoy A Sunny Afternoon Feast spread out on a Big Oak Table Outdoors with a Rolling Hills Countryside Background while a Gentle Breeze Blows through a Renaissance Romance.

And who wouldn't want that in their home? Even if the tiles are mined from a quarry in Africa.

Previously in Locals Only
Previously in The Tuscan Trend^TM

Whiskers is Such a Romantic

As a follow up to last week's entry about The Tuscan Trend^™ (TTT^™), I can now without question state that Americans are serious suckers for anything named "Tuscan."

It's not enough anymore that your food, drink, home or apartment be Tuscanized, now your cat gets to eat Tuscan style.

Thank you, Fancy Feast^®. (A Purina^® product, which is a Nestlé^® company.)

With apologies to the mental health community and the mentally challenged, this nation is now officially retarded.

Tuscanize Your Brand

Just as we Americans are total suckers for an English accent when it's used in broadcast advertising, we are also drawn to all things that have the mysterious "Tuscan" tag affixed to them. I'm not sure when The Tuscan Trend™ (or TTT™) started, but I suspect it was around the time of the release of Kenneth Branagh's adaptation of Much Ado About Nothing, which was filmed in Tuscany. Whenever and however it started, TTT™ shows no signs of dying. Label it "Tuscan," marketers, and Americans will buy it.

In Chapel Hill, North Carolina, build your new home at Tuscany Ridge.

There's a Tuscany Ridge in St. Augustine, Florida.

How about The Estates at Tuscany Ridge in Tampa, Florida?

Maybe a West Virginian notion of a Tuscan Ridge is more to your liking.

Perfect your game at the Tuscan Ridge Golf Club in Paradise, California.

And what happens in Tuscany Village, Las Vegas, Nevada stays in Tuscany Village.

Visit Disney here in Orlando and stay just minutes away at a vacation home in Tuscan Ridge.

After a busy day at the parks, head over to Outback Steakhouse for the Chargrilled Tuscan Ribeye.

Dine at the Tuscany Grill in Suntree, Florida.

Or dine at the completely unrelated Tuscany Grill in Middletown, Connecticut.

Or dine at one of the 26 Brio Tuscan Grilles in Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Illinois, Kentucky, Michigan, Missouri, Nevada, New Jersey, North Carolina, Ohio, Texas or Virginia.

Would you like to view The Chardonnay floorplan at the Tuscany Ridge Apartments in Temecula, California? (They also feature The Chablis, The Merlot, The Cabernet and The Bourdeaux. Classy.)

Slightly more affordable are the Tuscany Ridge Apartments in Peoria, Arizona.

I have not even scratched the surface of the Tuscan Naming Craze. Those were just random Googlings of the phrase "Tuscan Ridge." Try "Tuscan Hills" and you'll find another few hundred thousand.

Be it tile, paint, furniture, real estate, food or drink, we will somehow attach this image to any item named Tuscan: A Sunny Afternoon Feast spread out on a Big Oak Table Outdoors with a Rolling Hills Countryside Background while a Gentle Breeze Blows through a Renaissance Romance. Ah, yes. People will pay for that image. They will pay more than whatever you're selling is worth.

Maybe it's me, but when I think of a Tuscan apartment, I've got something more like this* in mind.

(And this reminds me that I need to do a post on the whole Olde English way of spelling stuff in new developments here in America, like towne, centre or shoppes.)

*Not really in Tuscany, but further north in the Pennavaire Valley, in the town of Colletta, being billed as a "Medieval e-Village" with Broadband for everyone. Exceedingly cool.