The Best or Nothing

I'm on record as absolutely hating Jon Hamm as the voice of Mercedes-Benz. He's awful. He sounds like a guy pretending to be a pitchman. His insincerity fills your ears in a way that makes you want to take a sledgehammer to Jon Hamm's Mercedes.

But let's look beyond the awfulness of Jon Hamm to the awfulness of the Mercedes campaign.

"THE BEST OR NOTHING."

Now I get that Mercedes is trying to position that statement as, "We will settle for nothing less than the best car we can build. We will not sacrifice quality or safety. We will build the best car on the road." To put it another way, "If you are asking for the best, it is Mercedes," or "If you would only settle for the best, you would only settle for a Mercedes." But the statement is two-fold, and Mercedes deliberately put it out there that way.


If I can't have a Mercedes, I'll take the bus. Or I'll walk. Or I'll ride my bike. I must have a Mercedes.

BMW?
No way.
Audi.
Nope.
OK, OK, I'll get you the Maserati.
NO! NO! NO! It's Mercedes - or NOTHING!.

Bridgestone Tires does this same thing. "It's Bridgestone or Nothing."

Really? You'd rather have no tires on your car if you can't have Bridgstone Tires?

May I say something here? You're an idiot.

Selling a luxury brand is not that hard. You don't need to resort to such childish declarations. Exclusivity is one thing, over-the-top hyperbole another thing entirely. This is lazy.

Just a Damn Dumb Campaign

Quaker State, you disappoint me. This lazy, stupid, not funny campaign is not edgy, like you thought it was when you approved it. It's not turning heads and making people go, "Hell yeah!" I suspect that even guys who still change their own oil are not walking the aisles of Walmart or Autozone and going, "Heh. Just damn good oil. Yeah, that's the one for me." Most of those guys became loyal to their oil decades ago, and your in-your-face boast is not changing their minds.

Other iterations of this crap campaign say, "Nothing Sexy. Just Damn Good Oil." 

Nothing Creative. Just Damn Lazy Advertising.

The Ad I Couldn't Ignore

I've been taking a break from this blog for a while. Anyone can find ads and praise them or hate them. And there were so many of us out here doing it that it became an echo chamber where nothing was new and eventually, after all of us had mocked or loved, along comes Ad Week at the tail end of the cycle to show everyone an ad that everyone already saw and blogged about. (Must be layers of corporate approval going on over there.) But Sunday's paper presented me this riveting image that must be shared.

There are too many things to hate about this ad, but I'll start with the little girl. She's a brat. How do I know? She wears sunglasses. Her dad is too cool. Jeans and a blue blazer. Nothing says serious but cool like that tired combo. He's a shitty parent too. How do I know? His daughter wears sunglasses. The doorman wears a pork pie hat. And he gets down on one knee to high five the brat in the sunglasses. "That's how the black men do it here in the city, my little Princess," said Daddy. The pork pie hat is part of the hotel chain's logo. So hip. The giant "TLC" stands for "Tender Loving Comfort." Gross. And the hotel staff all "went through body language training to understand your needs before you even have to tell us!" Grosser. Here, let Chrissy tell you all about it, she's the "Chief Comfort Officer." Hippest. Grossest.

Ads That Work In Spite of Themselves

Every Sunday morning I flip through the Times magazine in search of blog fodder; an ad that I can praise or mock. Fashion ads are easy targets. (See here.) But this morning, a busily designed ad kept me staring for a long time. (Click image for very large.) On the surface this is throwaway crap, if your idea of a good ad means pretty photography and limited copy. But the more you study it, the more intriguing it becomes.

It starts, strangely, with the words "Om Sai Ram" in the upper left corner. I had to look that one up. It's a spiritual greeting used by followers of Sai Baba, a South Indian guru. Then we have the very generic headline "The Million Dollar Look," and the equally bland subhead, "Dress for Success." Then some copy telling men that if they want to be successful, they should have these custom clothes by Hong Kong Grand by William Sani. And your mind goes, "Oh, a Hong Kong tailor, like in my grandfather's day, when people who could afford to went to Hong Kong to get custom-fitted for a suit." Hong Kong tailored suits were some sort of badge of success, and people who wore them would not be shy in telling you where they came from. I'm sure guys still do this. William Sani is from Orange County, California though, and that's him on the far left dressed as a 1960s British banker, and again second from right, as James Bond. His son is the little man second from left. No clue on who the guy far right is, but he's got a phone to his ear, and that spells success. Here's William's Facebook and here's his website, where you can also see his wife, daughter and the family dog. I assume that the cityscape behind the men is Hong Kong. Then William gives you his "direct cellphone" number, inviting you to call him for an appointment. (In a later mention of his cellphone, he gives hours that you can call, but fails to mention a time zone.) Or you can get in touch at one of his two AOL email accounts.

Then we get to the catalog-styled portion of the ad, which forces the suit-buying man to study it to see which package he would prefer, compare prices and offers. Is he a President, a CFO, a CEO? Just how successful does he want to be?

Then, the nationwide barnstorming tour dates of Mr. Sani are offered, where in less than a month he will visit 21 hotels, racking up some serious Marriott Rewards points and presumably meeting and measuring the suit-buying public for their successful clothes made in Hong Kong. He asks that you call him the day you want an appointment. Scheduling is apparently not Mr. Sani's thing. Day to day, city to city, Marriott to Marriott. Then I guess he sends those measurements to Hong Kong, where his team of seamstresses whip up your order and ship it to you. Then, at the party, you constantly but casually, as if by accident or searching for your pen, reveal the inside of the left breast pocket to display that telling Hong Kong Grand label.
 
It's not hard to find former customers of Hong Kong Grand who were deeply disappointed in what they received for their money, but Mr. Sani has apparently been doing full-pagers like this for quite some time. So he knows what he's doing, at least as an advertiser. I suppose his suite at the Marriott will be a revolving door of men hoping to look successful, Mr. Sani in shirtsleeves and tape measure, ordering up lunch from room service.

To finish off the piece, we get something you never see. The ad's designer signs his work at the very bottom, even offering his phone number.

If nothing else, an intriguing ad. And it's probably working.

Locals Only: Let the Air Duct Cleaner Wars Begin!

It's Springtime! And that means quite a lot to the free magazine publishers who fill their pages with atrocious ads designed in-house by landscapers, pool cleaners, driveway resurfacers and these guys, the people who clean your air ducts so you don't die from allergens in your home's atmosphere. The following three ads were only pages apart from one another in the same issue of some sad rag that I only bothered to skim through to find bloggable material.

Companies A and B, below, both opted for the "Don't Let Your Little Girl Suffer" route, with toddlers in misery because their Mommys and Daddys don't care about them. The first attempts to do the "green" thing, adding the recycle symbol to the upper left. For what purpose is anyone's guess. I think they lose points for not explaining that, throwing it in as a stupid hook that might fool someone. Price point difference is only $1, so it's your call as to which little girl makes you feel the guiltiest. (Click images for larger.)

But Company C, below, is the winner for me. Not only is their price $3 less than the cheapest one above, but they are also "Organic"! Needless to say, their choice of imagery is far superior, going the "Nuclear Fallout at a Post-Apocalyptic Family Dinner" route.

And I Thought I Sucked at Photoshop

A commenter on my recent post, wherein I attempted to make light of digital art and the Tea Party movement all at once, failed to see the humor. OK, Tim. Whatever. Relax a little, bro. I guess what I thought was funny and obviously tongue-in-cheek did not register with some. Maybe I should endeavor to be more mainstream henceforth and curb my appetite for the bizarre and off-the-wall, the better not to confuse and bewilder my more literal-minded readers.

But if Tim wants to cast stones at people who suck at Photoshop, he can look no further than this ad, a full-pager from yesterday's New York Times Magazine, in which a golfer is lining up a putt while a massive, not-at-all-Photoshopped alligator lines up on him. 
(Click image for larger.)

Let's Go Caving!

From the people who brought you Boxing Glove Is a Brain comes this work of epic retardation, featuring a pioneering team of doctors all geared up to explore the uncharted territory that is your vajayjay. Pretty sure I don't want to know about the debris at their feet.

Florida Hospital, Where Vaginal Spelunking is not Just Our Mission, It's Our Passion.



(The body copy was removed from this ad to highlight the cluelessness from which Florida Hospital's creative team operates. And it was really tiny and pretty standard.)

Yes, You Got My Attention. Freak.

I'm seeing this guy way too much in the sidebars of major sites. And he scares me. Are those his lower teeth? Did he have nostril enlarging surgery? Are those safety goggles? I trust he's CG and not a real person.

I'm not clicking on this shit, no matter what you're selling.

The Church of Palm Pre

This series of hyper-detached, striving-to-be-mysterious ads for the Palm Pre cause me to reach for the mute button with Ninja Speed. It's a phone, lady, not a way of life.

And don't quit your acting lessons. There's a weird Indie script headed your way that will be turned into a weird Indie film that no one will ever see.



But this is what iPhone's competition has been reduced to; desperate attempts to seem relevant to a market that has run away from them. It'd be as difficult as selling soccer to an NFL audience.

It's Now a Part of The Pop Lexicon

At least for the next couple of weeks, which is how pop-culture works these days. It's Toyota's much-maligned "Saved By Zero" commercial set to a re-dubbed GI Joe cartoon. Or maybe that's a re-dubbed GI Joe cartoon set to a "Saved by Zero" commercial. Whatever. Enjoy the random.



Oddly, Universal Music Group refuses to allow embedding of the original video from 80s band The Fixx. You'd think a record label would take any press and exposure it could get in this market. I'm sure The Fixx are enjoying their renewed notoriousness notoriety infamy fame.

It's All About Depth

"Production Values" are overrated. This ad isn't winning any awards, but it's one in an endless series of ads by a local businessman that've likely made this guy the envy of every big box store in the area.

This guy is effective. Local appliance dealer here in the Orlando area. Repeat the name often enough, show your commercials constantly, have a winning (if goofy) personality and you're gold. This guy even buys 30 minute weekend blocks on local cable channels. Tonight he's airing during the Republican National Convention on a couple of channels.



When you visit the "store," it's more like a giant warehouse. There is no air conditioning and the sales people are no pressure. We've purchased a washer, dryer and refrigerator from this clown in the last 3 years. His prices really are as low as you can find.

Sometimes, being extremely local, low-production and low-budget works.

It's about sales...lest we creatives forget.

Three Generations of Itchy and Frustrated Jelly Toast Eaters

Apparently Sarna is some kind of anti-itch lotion, and apparently someone has a dumb idea about how to sell it.

Grandpa there looks like his head is about to blow up, so mad is he that he can't get his gob around that concord grape jam.

If Anyone Clicked This...

...I'd really be surprised.

While plotting my escape from these States United , I've become momentarily fascinated by the least visited of the three US Virgin Islands , St. Croix. Somewhere in my link-hopping, I encountered this banner ad.

What was the designer thinking? Why grab a not-very-funny stock photo of the stereotypical "tourists" in flowered shirts, laden with multiple cameras, goofy hats and bad sunglasses? Even the ugliest American, the most ignorant tourist, would know better than to look like this. And surely knows better than to click on such an image.

I hope. Maybe I overestimate the sense and smarts of my countrymen.

Go Ahead and Cringe - He Wants You To

Here's some pure, bad local TV commercial production at its baddest.

When your company name is "Martin Fine Furniture" why do you go to such lengths to be so... unfine? But I'll bet the locals all know Marty.



Here's Marty's "Pirate" ad. And here's Marty's "Wild West" ad.

Somewhere in Indiana right now, Marty is leaving a supermarket and some kid is saying to his mother, "Mom! That's the Pirate guy from the commercial!"

Marty walks to his car with a smile, feeling vindicated and victorious.

Mommy, There's a Man in My Pants

"I know, sweetie! And I've got a masseuse on my boob."

Club Med is doing some weird stuff these days.

"Let's wash out the mom and kid's clothes and put scenes of vacationing people on them!"

click for bigness

Locals Only - Salesmen: Take Heed

Part VI in a series of reviews of very local advertising.

In the wrong hands, Photoshop is a very dangerous tool. Outer glows, drop shadows - I don't know where to start on this ad, which was the inside cover of one of those glossy locals that come in the mail for free, even though it says $3.95 on the cover. It's filled with fake features and advertorial profiles of local dentists and other assorted businesses. I know some people can't afford an ad agency or design firm, but if this business can afford the inside cover, maybe next time the salesman responsible for this atrocity can pay a local high school student $100 to design an ad.




















Locals Only Part V
Locals Only Part IV
Locals Only Part III
Local Only Part II
Locals Only Part I