Capitalize on Obama

A cottage industry is taking shape around our 44th President. Recession? Nonsense. Just sell Obama stuff. He'll be everywhere before long. People can't seem to get enough of the guy. His weekly Presidential radio address will be on YouTube. ( Damn! It already is. That's pretty presumptuous*.) You can play it over and over again and take comfort from his confident smile and kind eyes.Not enough for you? Listen to him read his own book on your iPhone. How about a t-shirt? The travel and hotel industries are seeing a nice surge in business thanks to the upcoming inauguration. And it won't end there. This is at least a 4-year celebration. I guarantee you this guy's image will be on your money some day, and now is the time for you to make money off of his image! And he can't sue you! This will make the Princess Diana celebrity industry look like a church bake sale.

Pretty soon little girls will be wanting to wear whatever the Obama girls are wearing and there's a very good chance that women will be requesting "the Michelle" at hair salons the world over. Black suits are in. And so are pale blue silk ties. Dog breeders will be doing a brisk business when the Obamas finally select a puppy. I expect more men to join gyms and try to hone their hoop skills. Body-surfing tours of Hawaii should be picking up shortly.

And every time some new tidbit of information leaks out of the Obama White House, like "Barack seen eating M&Ms!" you can bet the sales of whatever is mentioned will go up. I expect to see interviews of the White House chef so that we can all eat like the Obama family and buy the things they like.

This guy is already single-handedly improving the economy. Notice gas prices lately? Obama did that. Tomorrow's supposed to be the biggest shopping day of the year, but retailers are worried. Nonsense! It's called "Black Friday" for a reason now! I feel a sense of hope in the air, don't you? We can thank Obama. Why not start your own Rainbows and Unicorns store? Now's the time. Don't be late. Hurry, act now!

Let's get busy branding our Obama thongs and designing Obama tattoos. There's work to be done.

Yes you can.

* Sean Hannity/Rush Limbaugh code for "uppity."

Buy Low, Sell More Than Three Times Higher

I love a breeze. I bought this little all-metal, single-speed fan at Wal-Mart yesterday on my lunch hour for under $6. It’s quiet and kicks out the perfect breeze aimed right at my face as I toil away the hours in CubeWorld^TM. I customized a magnet for it that reads Fake Wind. (Alternate titles: Artificial Breeze, Faux Blow. And can you believe fakewind.com is available?)

But why go all the way to to Wal-Mart (distance from work: about half a mile) when I can buy it online from this fine merchant based in Eatonton, Georgia for only $18.99? (And I’m guessing that fine merchant bought the fan they are selling at Wal-Mart in Eatonton.)

God Bless America. Land of the Free Market, Home of the Brave Con-Artists.

A Holiday IM with Macy's

So, Macy’s, what’s with the red star?
Our founder, Rowland Hussey Macy, had a red star tattooed on his hand as a 15 year old boy. He was a sailor, and sailors like tattoos. The red star is a symbol of success. It has been our corporate symbol since 1858.
It was also the symbol of Soviet-era communism.
It was our symbol first.
One of the earlier terrorist groups, the Red Army Faction of West Germany, used the red star as their symbol.
It was our symbol first.
Labor Day is a big deal with Macy’s.
Yes. It always has been.
You mean it always has been since maybe around the time of the Russian Revolution?
What are you getting at?
Labor Day is all about socialism.
No. It’s about honoring America’s workers.
OK. I’ll give you that one. Still.
What?
Your new ads for your Labor Day Sale.
Yes?
Is it coincidence that you have red, white and blue debris falling from the sky and being trampled underfoot by the red star of Socialism?
Very astute. Must be one of those tattooed, leftist designers. I'll have a word with our ad people.
Good luck with that, and thanks for your time. God Bless America.
Indeed. Long may she wave.

If you believe this IM conversation actually took place, please, as a good US American, send some maps to South Africa and the Iraz, such as.