Smug, Thy Name is Nespresso

DeVito, one of my least favorite actors. And Clooney. Meh.

"Why don't you like DeVito? He's great!"

That's your opinion.

Those smiles. Must've been a nice paycheck. Clooney doesn't get out and shill for less than a ton of money. But pair him with DeVito? Must be the supercool guy and the dorky sidekick routine.

According to Agency Spy,  "George Clooney has been starring in Nespresso ads internationally for nearly a decade but is just now finally making his debut for the brand in the U.S., in a new ad from McCann New York entitled “Training Day” which also stars Danny DeVito."

(You can see the video at the above link. I'm too lazy to embed right now.)

Big name American actors, too cool to tarnish their images stateside, have no qualms about collecting ad dollars overseas. Guess Clooney realized there's this new thing called the Internet that has blown his cover. Might as well go full-bore pitchman now. 

Match the "Celebrity" with their Bio

T-Mobile and their MyTouch, in association with Google, is reaching out to all you boomers who still think these people are funny. To me this only says T-Mobile is desperate.



a. I was an original SNL cast-member, but quit after I imagined the show was all about me. Cocaine will do that to a person. I did a few very forgettable movies and one good one, then disappeared, got fat and lost all my hair. Now my friends at NBC are trying to help me revive my career by putting me in a supporting role on a sit-com that is doomed to fail.

b. I did impersonations on SNL. I also did a thing with Mike Myers that became a couple of movies that made me some cash. When I blew up really big on the show, I ditched it in the hopes of becoming the next Bill Murray. It didn't work out. But I'm rich, so fuck you all.

c. My ticket into show-biz was my off-the-wall, ironic name. I did a few films that still pay enough royalties for me to keep an apartment in New York. I'm now on a daily panel of loud-mouthed opinionators who dictate the thoughts and buying habits of a bunch of sad and lonely people who watch us.

d. I had a few skits on SNL that were recurring, mostly that involved me showing my underwear in a sick and pathetic attempt at laughs. I also thought the movies were calling me, and left SNL for the bigtime, but I can't even name a single thing I was in that you would know.

e. I did a pretty good Bill Clinton on SNL. Sometimes they bring me back to do Cheney or Chris Matthews, but Lorne put me out to pasture after McCain lost. I now wear a sad face all the time.

Brett Favre Wears Purple

Bigger is Better

He's a fickle, arrogant prima donna, but he's just as amazing to watch play at 40 as when he was supposedly in his "prime." It's looking like coming back from retirement (twice) wasn't such a bad idea. During the post-game interview, in which the nasty reporter tried to get a scoop by begging him to badmouth his former team, he played it cool, giving the standard-jock "110% team effort" spiel. The guy is a player, and if you like football, you have to like Favre.

There is No Escaping Dan Marino

Especially not in South Florida, where his near misses at bringing Miami a championship are still rewarded with all kinds of spokesman deals, including the amusing juxtaposition of Hooter's and Viagra. He does car dealerships, jewelry stores, and to get to Dolphin Stadium, you will likely have to travel on Dan Marino Boulevard. Of course he's also one of a few national spokesmen for some weight loss meal deal and you can't avoid him on the weekends if you watch football. I don't know, he's always struck me as kind of...dickish.

Brett Favre, pay attention. Marino has paved the way for retired QBs who can't leave the spotlight. When you finally realize (again) in Minnesota that the glory is gone, you can still bask in the afterglow for decades to come, if you so choose. But maybe you'll be different. An equally talented QB who goes by the name of Dan who also doesn't have a Super Bowl ring (and who keeps a much lower profile) is Dan Fouts. (Not that he hasn't tried to boost that profile, apparently.)

Here in Orlando, all three Florida teams compete for our loyalty. We've got no team, so we get to be fairweather fans. We are encouraged to drive to Tampa to see the Bucs. Jacksonville is not so far away either and the Jags would love our money. And now I'm seeing Dolphins billboards on my way to work, encouraging me to drive down to Dolphin Stadium to watch the fish play.

What's that? It's now Land Shark Stadium? Oh, God. No.

Oh, well. All the more reason to go with one of the team's original name ideas, The Sharks.

Miami Sharks. Think about that rebranding opportunity, Miami. That name kicks the shit out of Jaguars and Buccaneers any day. You could get the uncommitted and coveted I4 Corridor football fan with a brand like that. We've got a trio of shitty teams to choose from. Make us want it.

Call Me By My Ninja Name

Click for the big kick

And That's Why America Can't Be Called a Christian Nation

General Colin Powell just gave his much-anticipated endorsement of Obama. In his very eloquently worded speech, he shot down the rumors pervasive through email and innuendo that Obama is a Muslim. But he followed it with, "What if he was?" and told the story of a picture he saw of a grieving mother at the grave of her son in Arlington National Cemetery. The grave is the one pictured here.Knowing American Christians as I do, I anticipate an argument that young Kareem was able to practice his faith thanks to the sacrifice of the Christian founding fathers. To them I offer the words of George Washington:

"If they are good workmen, they may be from Asia, Africa or Europe; they may be Mahometans, Jews, Christians of any sect, or they may be Atheists."

Read more about CPL Khan here.

Uh...No One Cares What You Think

I had composed a rant, but the title says it all.

This Guy Gets Easier to Hate Every Day

Maybe I just hate dynasties. Maybe I like my heroes a little more tarnished. If Brady got busted operating a dog fighting ring, I'd probably respect him more. As it is, every time the camera is on him, he's got the self-conscious look of someone who knows the camera is on him.