The 2011 Cars Will Be Here In January

What the hell. Yes, I am aware that the new model year cars are often available toward the end of the previous calendar year, but this is jumping the gun. Why not just start announcing some 2012 cars while you're at it?

There's Nothing Like a Testimonial

An image from the LA Times from last night, repurposed for BMW's benefit.

The NBA Finals on ABC - As Seen from Orlando

the bigger, 6'11" version

The Enemy of Kobe is My Friend

I am a bummed-out basketball fan this morning, not that I have any right, really. Like much of this city, I got on board the Magic Bus only long after they showed they were contenders. Fairweather fans are the worst, but we're also the norm. Maybe you like to sit in a half-empty stadium and paint your body stupid colors while mugging for the camera as you support your woeful Cleveland Browns. (And you were there through thick and thin, the good times and the bad. When the crowds start showing up when the winning gets easier, you resent them. You are a REAL fan. But remember, none of the players are from your town and they'll leave the second another city offers them more money, swearing allegiance and love to a new town as they shake the dust of your dirty city from their cleats..So maybe your team pride is a little one-sided. In fact, when you think about it, you worship a logo.)

Anyway...(I do that all the time. "All aboard the Dave Train. Next stop...Random Tangent.")...I think what makes losing to the Lakers so unpleasant is the hype and show that is a Lakers game. A Lakers game is an event. To be seen at a Lakers game is a big deal in Hell-A. "Oh, look! There's the world's worst actor, Jack Nicholson! I wonder when he'll make another movie where he plays a snarky old asshole who learns a lesson about love?" "Look! It's Tom Cruise, the world's second worst actor! I wonder when he'll make another movie where he plays an uptight dickhead who struts away from exploding things?" And the broadcasters get caught up in the hype of a Lakers game, and before long they are openly hoping the Lakers win.

Then there's Kobe Bryant, possibly the most arrogant and transparent player to ever rape a hotel maid. Oh, sorry. He was acquitted. I forgot. Anyway, when you're down 25 points and watching this guy do his best "I'm a mean warrior" face, anything he does will set you off. He could sit there on the bench and pour tea for his grandma while writing ten-thousand dollar checks to charity and I'd find something wrong with the way he did it. He makes me sick. Punk. Winner. Beater of us.

I read this blog's analytics once in a while. Los Angeles is always among the top for numbers of visitors. So, Lakers fans who might be reading this blog, I wish you sports pain and loss of city pride. I wish for you to see your precious Kobe holding his head low on the bench, suffering a stinging loss that makes him say to the cameras in the locker room, "Ya know, we just got beat, that's all. They came to play. They did some things and we didn't do some things and we need to execute a little better next time. Focus. One-hundred and ten percent. Heart. Soul. Tomorrow's another day." I hope a Magic player loses his balance and falls right into Ashton Kutcher, wiping that stupid smile off his face and causing him to seek medical treatment.

This isn't supposed to be sports blog. I'm just mad that we lost our team logo pride last night in front of a huge TV audience at the Lakers Show, starring Jack Nicholson. Sports, Entertainment, Politics, News. It's all the same game.

You'll recall how Vitamin Water and Nike were hoping the NBA Finals would be a Lebron/Kobe showdown. Vitamin Water has wiped the egg from their face and employed Orlando's Dwight Howard to mock the original Kobe/Lebron spot. Not a bad performance for a jock. Haven't seen acting like this from an athlete since Peyton Manning.

Get Your Basketball On - Or Don't

Charlie Murphy's got a new website called Get Your Basketball On in which he plays a Bozo-haired motivational speaker who does it all.



As in most things of this nature, I'm trying to find the corporate sponsors behind it. Though you can't find it on Charlie's site, which is disguised as a poorly created web designer's nightmare a la Borat's old MySpace page, a quick "Who Is" search reveals what I should've guessed: NIKE, Inc.

It's nowhere near as funny as they're hoping and the clowning done by Murphy seems over-the-top. This thing will be short-lived, I'm sure. Nike seems to stab out in a dozen directions lately, often going for the viral two-minute video. Most of the offerings on the site are pretty lame and I almost feel bad for Murphy. Expect to see appearances of Charlie's character "Leroy Smith" during the NBA Finals in the coming weeks, with the slow reveal by Nike. I would not be surprised if Nike trotted out Jordan for an appearance in the series.

Counting Chickens That Never Hatched

Or putting all your eggs in one basket. Something, I don't know. Either way, some people have egg on their faces today.

Vitamin Water and Nike, following the script laid out by the NBA and the broadcasters, predicted a Kobe Bryant/Lebron James final and produced some fun and expensive commercials to that end. They never consulted with @dwighthoward, the non-tattooed, unassuming player who has no high-profile endorsement deals. Yet.





This little backwater, less-than-large media market is pretty psyched right now, glad that it isn't all about Disney for a little while, even if the team's name is a not-too-subtle nod to Disney. Lots of chest-thumping going on from the usual suspects, all proud to "finally get some respect."

Eventually the Magic will play in another venue, instead of the embarrassingly named Amway Arena. The Magic are also owned by Amway kingpin Rich DeVos, who has a management opportunity for you in his company.

Best-Selling Author Picks Up Side Job

...as President, surely a modest-paying gig compared to what he makes from book sales. I know the book sales are climbing due to his win, but still, this guy is too successful. I predict he gets a walk-on spot with the Washington Wizards his first month in office and then cures cancer in his basement laboratory in the White House in February. In March he will invent a decent electric car while at the same time discovering vast stores of oil in Appalachia, ensuring an economic windfall for all the hill-folk who voted against him, thus ensuring a landslide re-election in 2012.