You Have Left Your Mind

Familiar with the Left Behind series? It's a collection of pseudo-scripture written by a pair of charlatans loosely based on the last book of the Christian bible (and a word or two from Paul's letters). Those two goblins are astoundingly rich now that their books have been devoured by so many people too busy to read their bibles or talk with their God.

The premise of these books is this: All the Jesus people are taken away in The Rapture and the rest of the earthlings are left behind on the planet to suffer horrible things. Do you want to escape the horrible things? Then get yourself right with God and do it quickly. Because scaring people into loving God and doing Right (wing) is very effective. It is also a huge money-maker.

Problem with The Rapture theory is that it is pure and utter fiction created in the mid-1800s by an Irishman named John Darby. It was very easy to sell to Americans, because even then Americans were much as they are today; easy to swindle, afraid of hard times, mostly unacquainted with large-scale suffering and looking for the easy way out.

If you are a Christian and you're disagreeing with me on this, let me ask you this: Did Jesus say he was returning? OK, then how many times will he return? First time in secret, second time in the clouds for all to see? Also, I know you like to justify and support your escapism theology with passages like, "God has not appointed us unto wrath." (I love it when you speak in the King James. It makes you sound so Holy.) So maybe you can quote that phrase to the persecuted churches in Afghanistan, Egypt, Libya, Somalia, Algeria, Eritrea, Malaysia, Sri Lanka, Azerbaijan, Ethiopia, Maldives, Sudan, Bangladesh, Gaza and the West Bank, Philippines, Syria, Belarus, India, Mauritania, Tajikistan, Bhutan, Indonesia, Morocco, Tibet, Brunei, Iran, Nepal, Tunisia, Myanmar, Iraq, Nigeria, Turkey, Jordan, North Korea, Turkmenistan, China, Kuwait, Oman, United Arab Emirates, Colombia, Kyrgyzstan, Pakistan, Uzbekistan, Comoros, Laos, Qatar, Vietnam, Cuba, Lebanon, Saudi Arabia and Yemen. You've got it pretty good here and know nothing of "wrath."

Why am I wasting my energy? Go to Wal-Mart and get the latest book in your series. Maybe you can pay for Tim LaHaye's next facelift.

ANYWAY, (I get worked up on this subject) some total tools have set up a website that will send out email alerts to those who get Left Behind! How cool! So after the world's Christians suddenly vanish, everyone can get emails saying, "You've been Left Behind! We are in Heaven and you are going to suffer some horrible shit! There's still hope! Forward this email to ten friends and throw some salt over your shoulder while spinning around in a circle thrice. Then, don't eat for 10 days and abstain from sex and maybe God will let you come join us after you get raped, tortured and killed by the Antichrist and his Army of Satan Worshipers. Bye! Love ya! Peace! :)" Spam from Heaven. And this service will only cost you $40 a year. I don't know who's behind this website, but they need to...not gonna say it.

I wish I had hacking skills.

Finding the Antichrist on Google

This is my 666^th blog post here on Where's My Jetpack? So now is the perfect opportunity to engage in the time-honored practice millions of fringe religious groups, theologians and prophecy "scholars" have engaged in since Nero was impaling Christians around Rome and then setting their bodies aflame. (To my Christian readers: Tim LaHaye's Left Behind series is pure and utter Crap. With a capital "C.")

Using Google, I will type in the names of prominent figures along with the word "antichrist." (Example: Olsen twins + antichrist) and then display the number of search results for each query.

Results:

Ahmadinejad 39,400
McCain 102,000
Bush 133,000
Obama 176,000
Hillary 232,000
Clinton 443,000
Gates 563,000
Jobs 597,000

Based on these results, I predict that if Clinton gets the nomination of her party and goes on to defeat McCain, there will be human sacrifices on the South Lawn of the White House every full moon, as well as during the solstices and equinoxes - or as often as it shall please Her Majesty, the Anointed One.

I was surprised by Steve Jobs edging out Bill Gates as a possible antichrist.

Then again, here is a photo of Steve Jobs as a child.

One more thing: searching Google + antichrist netted 984,000 results, proving perhaps that one day we will all serve our evil master Google.

Yeah, you're right. We already do.

(To my Jewish readers: The Hebrew character that respresents the number "6" is the same character that represents the letter "w" right? So "www" equals "666." Cool, huh?)