We'll Stop When Someone Sues. Meantime, We SELL!

The Asterisk is Your Friend

Years ago, in a meeting between representatives from the legal, sales and marketing departments, someone suggested, "Really, we can pretty much say anything we want if we put an asterisk next to it, and then explain the overstatement or blatant lie on the back or the bottom in very small print."

In this case, that fine print would read: You can't really COUNT the peanuts and measure that count against the number of all the other nuts combined. When we say, "Less than 50%," we mean by weight. So, if you want, you can weigh all the peanuts and compare that result against the weight of all the other nuts combined and you'll find that it probably comes in at around 49.99999%. But don't you think it's cool how we managed to hide all the peanuts under a layer of the better nuts carefully placed on the top of the can? Do you know how long it took us to accomplish that feat of packaging? It's like automated food styling!"

Another Amazing Before/After Lie

Stunning turnaround, Helen, of Helen's Diet (dot com). Helen lives in YOUR TOWN, has two children and a wonderful husband. She's no guru. She just wants to share with you how to completely makeover your body by eating magic berries and sitting on the toilet.

If you try to leave Helen's site, she gets really concerned and starts throwing warnings at you, asking if you're sure you want to leave her site. "Look at me!" Helen cries, "Turn around and look at me!" She strips to her underwear and calls after you. "Eat my berries! I will cleanse your colon! I'm not doing this for me. It's for YOU!"

Ashley Todd - Letter From Jail

Where's My Jetpack? has obtained an exclusive copy of a letter Ashley Todd wrote her fellow College Republicans.

Click for the Bigness

We're Putting Cosmetic Surgeons Out of Business

It started with "iQ SkinTensive" and their amazing Fountain of Youth Flash banners. Now everyone with a moisturizer to sell has adopted the "old lady gets young" theme, only they're really pushing the boundaries of truthfulness lately. C'mon, people, we're in advertising! We tell the truth!

This woman doesnt just appear younger, she has actually changed ethnicities. She was a 70 year-old Native American from Arizona, now she is a 25-year old Swede. Amazing shit. Results not typical. Simulated imagery.

Previously in "Miracle Wonder Cream's Lying Flash Banners":

From Decaying Corpse to Radiant Beauty in One Application

Individual Results May Vary

Fine print is small – don’t read it all
It says what it must – as if you can’t trust
Would I lie to you? Would I tell you untrue?
If I can get in – give it just the right spin
I sell apples to Eve – and make her believe

that she’s a failure, a victim, she needs her eyes opened
Her man’s a pansy, substandard, and lacking in size
She’s wrinkled, small-breasted, bad mother, lover, wife
until she buys the thing to revolutionize her life*

*From Seller in the Cellar, a forthcoming song on a forthcoming project.

Joe The Plumber - The Real Story

Thank God for YouTube. Here's the full "confrontation" between Joe The Plumber and Barack Obama. Sean Hannity will never let you see this.



There goes your "socialist" argument, Right Wing Propagandists. For almost six minutes, Obama explains to Joe The Plumber the intricacies of his tax plan. It's long and boring, but it shows how insane this campaign has become, where the phrase "spread the wealth around" is lifted to prove that Obama is a Commie.

Gimme a fuckin' break.

Straight Talk, my ass, Johnny. You're a sad, little shadow of the imaginary character you used to pretend to be.

From Decaying Corpse to Radiant Beauty in One Application

I know I've blogged about these banner ads before, but this one was so striking I had to post it. That is some seriously magical lotion.*

* Simulated imagery. Results not typical. In fact, results are seriously not typical at all. They are nothing like this. This woman went from Lizard Lady to Disney Princess in no time, and that ain't happening for you. Ever. She lost 70 years off her appearance, like backwards from the dead lady Jack Nicholson was making out with in The Shining.