Jesus Tested. Jesus Approved.

Christians join free? Do I have to show my stigmata to prove it? And this guy posing in front of what looks like a Powerpoint presentation, he is Certified Christian? How do I know that if he isn't wearing Tim Tebow bible verses under his eyes? He looks like an anchorman, and we all know the mainstream media hate Jesus. Or is it just your site that is Certified Christian? Who does the certification? What are the criteria to become certified?And if I am Danny or Suzy Christian, my head now spins with so many questions. Shouldn't I trust God to find me a match? Am I thwarting God's will, perhaps even letting you play God, if I join? What about those people who you charged to join your site, who aren't Christians and therefore aren't entitled to the free membership? What happens when you match a believer and a non-believer? I can already hear the fighting around the Holidays, when Jack wants a Christmas tree and Jill wants a Menorah.

I hate "Christian" businesses. I hate the concept of marketing to a specific faith group. It fosters and further deepens an already elitist "us" versus "them" mentality.

And so Christians have their own plumbers and electricians and radio and book stores. Just look for the little fish symbol and you know you're in good hands. Good honest hands attached to a heart that is pure and a head that believes like you do. And votes like you do, too. "Unclean" would the believer become were he or she to listen to music "of the world," or watch movies and read books that didn't support a particular world view. Keep your radio tuned to schlocky sub-par crap and your iPod filled with poorly produced pseudo-gospel of a thousand sub-genres. Don't drink. Don't smoke. Don't eat food sacrificed to idols. Don't lust. Except in your heart for Sarah Palin. Buy the books. Attend the seminars. Use the phrase, "Judge not lest ye be judged," only when someone is judging you.

But I can go on and on on this topic. And have. Somebody find me an agent.

Banner ad found at The Awl.

Puck Lite: Baby Jesus Never Looked So Happy

Every once in a while, you come across a product that works, suits your needs and renews your faith in the Chinese work ethic. With Mother Mary and Step-dad Joseph as my witnesses, I am not being paid for this post.

I was entrusted with my parents' nativity scene for the Holidays, as they are off in Alaska for a time, visiting Sarah Palin and a couple of my sisters. My Dad takes great pains to light this thing just perfectly in his home, so I felt the need to do it justice and give it the proper Catholic Statuary Ambiance it deserves. Each figure measures about 16", and we decided to put it in the front window of the library here at the Jetpack Compound, the better to antagonize our Santa-worshiping neighbors. (And to let our Jewish neighbors know that we know that Jesus was a Jew. Solidarity and all. Yo. Peace.)

Problem was lighting. I experimented with all manner of clip lights and standing floor lamps, but nothing was working. Enter Puck Lite: a set of three LED lights, battery operated, with peel-and-stick adhesive backing, for under $5 at the local Publix in the light-bulb aisle. (Made in China. God Bless China.) You can see them in the photo below, shining down on this humble scene like three giant Stars of Bethlehem.

I knew I had the perfect lighting scheme going when I heard, "Oh-mi-gawd, Dave! That thing in the front window is sooooo creepy!"

Yes! Nailed it.

Today in Fashion

Anorexic supermodel Barack Obama glides down the catwalk in Denver in a Socialist Muslim black suit sans tie, while new star Sarah Palin models the "Real American" look with new jeans in Virginia.

Ashley Todd - Letter From Jail

Where's My Jetpack? has obtained an exclusive copy of a letter Ashley Todd wrote her fellow College Republicans.

Click for the Bigness

America's Got Talent

And it's hiding in tiny cubicles, creating bizarre and funny stuff like this. Thanks to David at Plaid for the find.

Sitcom or Cop Drama?

Neither! It's Reality TV!

Saw this banner at Technorati. It looks like a promo for a TV show. The serious stare of McCain. The smirk/point of Palin. The moonrise over starfield in the background. (Is that some sort of nod to Alaska and the Aurora Borealis?) And of course, the headline.He's a veteran lawmaker with an axe to grind.
She's a no-nonsense hockey mom suddenly in the big leagues.

I'm hearing some corny old western music as the theme.

Maybe I Will Watch SNL After All

I hear Sarah Palin is going to be on SNL tonight. I'm dreading that. I guess I fear she will be funny and win over a couple of dolts willing to overlook her extreme lack of substance. Maybe I will find her funny myself and start feeling sorry for her again, like I have a few times already in this campaign. (Whenever I get that feeling, I just watch one of her stump speeches and realize, "Oh, that's right. She's a crazy, divisive panderer and deserves every second of scorn that comes her way.") But, whatever. If your vote can be swayed by a cameo on SNL, then bless your heart. ("Bless your heart" is southern-speak for, "You need help.")

But the real fun on SNL tonight might come when way-too-serious-movie-actor-leading-man-action-hero-dude Mark Wahlberg finds Andy Samberg and brings down some retribution Middle School Style!

Watch him on Kimmel. Maybe it's a just a joke and Samberg is in on it and Wahlberg is not bad at comedy. I could see them setting this stunt up for viewership as well as promotion for Wahlberg's current movie.

"She's Still Far More Coherent Than Palin"

The title of this post comes from a commenter on YouTube. Brace yourselves for this one, as some drunk rednecks explain why we can't elect Obama for President. And to think, all of our votes carry the same weight.



Discovered at Sullivan's blog.

The Spin is at Critical Mass

And I'll just leave it at that. We can let this cartoon do the talking. It's called , "CAPT John Sidney McCain III, USN (Ret.) Meets with his Troops."

Never let it be said again that John McCain doesn't know how to win a war.

Click for the super size

If you aren't disgusted with that has happened in the last couple of days courtesy of Rove, Limbaugh, Medved, Fox News, Hannity and McCain's other assorted students of Goebbels, you should maybe find a time machine and go live in another era.

Crossposted to Radio Free Babylon

Torturing Tina Fey

"In the tank" for Obama, the snarky bitch comedian Tina Fey thinks she's so funny. You wait. She'll get what's coming to her for her one-sided, liberal elite East Coast mainstream Georgetown cocktail party media crap!

McCain-Hillary '08

Following her Miss South Carolina performance with Katie Couric, it's hard to find a single pundit outside of Limbaugh or Hannity who still thinks Sarah Palin was a good choice for McCain, with some people suggesting she drop off the ticket to "spend more time with her family."

Here's what it looks like over at Johnny Mac HQ.

Click for big! Print it! Collect them all and trade with your friends!

Jammakane Says "Psyche! I'll Debate Ya!"

Much has been written, spoken and shouted with insane partisan vitriol about the thinness of Obama's resume, and to reply with "He was a community organizer!" is a pretty weak retort. Obama's resume is extremely thin, but one thing Obama isn't is a knee-jerk, stunt-prone, crap-shootin' drama queen, like The War Hero Straight Talking Maverick Man of Action, John Sydney McCain III.

We've just been through eight years of a cock-sure bastard of a spoiled frat-boy President, and fully one half of this country is ready to replace him with another. Obama displays grace under pressure, whereas McCain acts on impulse, often looking petulant and borderline insane. Call it politics, but picking Sarah Palin showed a giant lapse in judgment, as did his recent "I've got to go to Washington and put my country first" bullshit ploy.

Turns out Ole Man will be at Ole Miss tonight for the big debate, now that he got his photo-op where he was pretending to be involved in the Wall Street bailout while pretending to suspend his campaign. I probably agree more with McCain on the issues than I do with Obama, but the man's severe lack of integrity, while loudly proclaiming what a man of integrity he is, makes me unable to take him seriously. With apologies to anyone who likes him, I think this guy is an absolute piece of shit, and I'm pretty sure I still have the right to think that in America.

I propose a new drinking game for tonight's debate:

• Every time McCain says "My friends," do a shot.
• Every time he says, "Here's some straight talk," do two shots.
• Every time he refers to Vietnam or brings up being a POW, do three shots.

You will be wasted in five minutes.

Speaking of Ole Miss, how do they get away, in this day and age, of calling their team "The Rebels"? That old Southern Pride dies hard. Not that I am in favor of revisionist history, but Rebels? Really? Why not the Slave Holders? Or Racists? How about Lynch Mob?

And lest anyone doubt that this election is tinged with overt racism, there is an underground element at work that will never in a million years consider voting for a black man. I received a mass email last night, forwarded who-knows-how-many times to countless individuals. The text of the email said, "This is tooooo funny!!!!!" Below that was a Photoshopped image of Obama shining Palin's shoes. The original photograph can be seen here, and the photographer from Australia is not amused.

barry.obama1961@gmail.com

If you've had at least half an ear to the news lately, you've likely heard that some evil Democrat Children pulled a page from the stinking Republican playbook and VIOLATED THE SANCTITY of Her Holiness Sister Sarah's Yahoo! account and published some very uninteresting crap. So The Onion, where I want to work someday, did us one better.

Inside Obama's emails

via American in Berlin Rachel Doyle.

Subtle

Yard sign in the hood, featuring the burning Twin Towers of the World Trade Center, the obvious assumption being that only McCain (and PALIN!) can prevent this from happening again. Keep America Safe. And by the way, John McCain can't comb his own hair. So vote for him.


I cannot imagine what the 2012 election is going to be like. This has gotten so out of hand that I am very seriously ready to emigrate to Australia.

In case you're interested, here's where the sign points you to.

Crossposted to Radio Free Babylon.

The Better To See Russia From Alaska With

Gots to click it if you wants to read it

Lunchtime in Harlem

Reports suggest Bill Clinton and Barack Obama will be meeting for lunch this week. Here’s how it might go down.

BC: So, now you come crawlin’, huh, son?
BO: It’s good to see you, Mr. President.
BC: Cut the crap, Barry. And I’m calling you Barry, so get used to it.
BO: I appreciate you taking the time to meet with me.
BC: You damn well better.
BO: I do.

"I need the Mick Jagger Bill Clinton. The ladies throwing their panties onstage Clinton."

BC: You’re in a world of shit, son.
BO: Can I speak candidly?
BC: Wish you would. Cheeseburger? Onion rings?
BO: No, thank you.
BC: Chicken? Meatball sub?
BO: No, sir. Thank you.
BC: What’s on your mind?
BO: I need the Clinton magic.
BC: Hillary’s out there right now, doin’ her thing for you.
BO: And I appreciate that, Mr. President, but I need you.
BC: How do you mean?
BO: You’ve got a way with the ladies. And they’re leaving me for Palin.
BC: Ain’t she somethin’? Damn! Ol’ John blindsided you, didn’t he?
BO: She’s a fake! A phony! A manufactured cardboard cutout!
BC: Who isn’t, Barry? You want some pizza? A taco?
BO: No, thank you.
BC: Pasta? Banana cream pie?
BO: I don’t have much of an appetite lately.
BC: You’re lookin’ pretty gaunt. And gay, to be honest.
BO: I’m on a tightrope. I can’t attack her, and I can’t keep letting her steal the thunder.
BC: Thunder’s done gone, son. But you’re right—tight spot. But you gotta stop lookin’ like a whiny bitch.
BO: Can you help me?
BC: What do you have in mind?
BO: I need the Mick Jagger Bill Clinton. The ladies throwing their panties onstage Clinton.
BC: Heh, heh, heh, heh. Think that’ll quiet down the Hockey Mama Drama?
BO: It can at least distract them. Do the lip bite. Do the eyes welling with tears thing. The voice crack.
BC: And you're prepared to offer me what in return?
BO: UN Ambassador? Secretary of State? What do you want?
BC: Supreme Court for Hillary. Ambassador to Switzerland for Chelsea.
BO: Done. What about you?
BC: I just wanna be buddies, Barry. I wanna hang out, go to barbecues together, watch some football, drink some beer, shoot some hoops. Just quit leavin’ me on the sidelines, man. I can help.
BO: Done, sir.
BC: I’ll head down South for you this weekend. Hit some county fairs and church suppers and get your mojo back. Salad?
BO: Yes, please. And thank you.


For those who enjoy coincidence, today is 9/9/8 - and this is post #998 on Where's My Jetpack?

I've Decided to Become an Architect

Like much of the country, I have been inspired by Sarah Palin. 

I don't have any training in architecture, I'm not that good at math and most of what I design gets roundly ridiculed and laughed at by my designer friends. 

But I played with blocks as a kid. And Legos. I have a copy of Sketch-Up, too, so I think I'm pretty well set. 

A San Fran based artist/architect has designed this cool looking "off-the-grid" nomad thingy. See more images of it in other environments at Kyu Che's site.

Found at.

Idiocracy & Caribou Barbie

The term "Caribou Barbie" (in quotes) searched on Google nets 15,300 results. That sure didn't take long.

Nevermind that she took little Wasilla, Alaska from a debt-free city to $19 million in debt in her short term, the Rove Machine is selling her as a "fiscal conservative."

Say what you will about the manufacture of Obama, how he is a creation of the Axelrod marketing machine. I have said so much myself. But what we see happening right now is surreal. A total unknown (about whom much more is becoming known) is being sold to the American voting public as a "revolution." Energize that base, "Base" being an excellent synonym for "totally base."

While Mrs. Palin is hiding from the media and learning foreign policy from Joe Lieberman, Obama's star is fading in the afterglow of America's initial introduction to Caribou Barbie and her one speech, written by Bush's speech writers and delivered artfully by the former sportscaster. A quick study, Mrs. Palin will emerge from hiding and dupe millions into thinking that she is a thoughtful, experienced and poised leader, ready to assume the office of President of the United States tomorrow.

If this country elects McCain, (who has sadly been eclipsed by his running mate) we are much closer to Idiocracy than I thought. But I have every expectation that my brain-dead countrymen will do just that.

Now might be a good time to watch that movie.

Wake Up, All You So-Called Patriots

I can overlook the fact that she wants to overturn Roe vs. Wade. I can understand trying to oust her brother-in-law from his job in defense of her sister in the midst of a nasty custody battle. I can forgive her pretending to be a reformer when she really was in fact a strong advocate of that "bridge to nowhere," among other pork projects. I even understand the Evangelical desire to teach "intelligent design" alongside evolution. I'm even willing to turn a deaf ear to her crazy claim that the War in Iraq was a "task from God."

But when you start putting pressure on the local librarian of your small town to ban books, you've crossed a line in my America. You're not "Putting Country First," lady, unless your country is Nazi Germany.

I expect that the answer to all these charges from the fawning "base" of the Republican party will be, "Reverend Wright! William Ayers!"

Wave your flags, patriots, as you rush to fall in line behind another Cheney.

Sarah Smells Blood

A large group of white people showed up in St. Paul, Minnesota last night to cheer on America’s Homecoming Queen and Junior Class President, and then dance awkwardly to some crazy song called “Raisin’ McCain” sung by some country music guy only country music fans are familiar with. I’m not sure if they understood the irony of the title of the song. While the happy family played Hot Potato with Snow White's Down syndrome baby, the cameras panned desperately for a face of color, occasionally finding one and then lingering on it for an awkwardly long moment. And poor Levi Johnston made his debut as the groom in America’s next reality TV show, Shotgun Wedding.

All Governor Palin had to do last night was not screw up, and she had plenty of time to practice her speech, sequestered in a hotel for five days lest she actually have to face questions about her questionable past from a curious press, now the enemy of the McCain camp for doing the job McCain failed to do.

The speech was textbook Sean Hannity (minus Sean's daily, coded allusions to the Antichrist), although delivered in the voice of the school secretary from Ferris Buehler’s Day Off. Ms. Palin proved herself worthy of a fight, and I hope Senators Biden and Obama come at her swinging wildly, caring not for her gender nor playing nice in deference to her neophyte status. She’s a pit bull in lipstick by her own account, and the only way I know to fight a rabid pit bull is to whack it in the head with a baseball bat.

Let the battle begin.