How They Get Their Christmas Trees in Alaska

I was talking to one of my sisters the other day, as it is my annual habit to ring them on their birthdays and do the yearly catch-up, when our small talk turned to Christmas trees. I mentioned that we had just put ours up. She asked, "Did you go out to the woods and cut it down?" which made me laugh, as we don't do that down here. We have many places to find trees, but the woods isn't one of them, and we usually just end up at Home Depot. I could tell she thought that was sort of sad, and now I know why. She just sent me these images of her recent excursion to round up a Christmas tree.

Step One: Find tree in remote forest.

Step Two: Drag tree under wing of plane.

Step Three: Secure tree to wing struts with shrink wrap.

Step Four: Fly home, set up tree.

Puck Lite: Baby Jesus Never Looked So Happy

Every once in a while, you come across a product that works, suits your needs and renews your faith in the Chinese work ethic. With Mother Mary and Step-dad Joseph as my witnesses, I am not being paid for this post.

I was entrusted with my parents' nativity scene for the Holidays, as they are off in Alaska for a time, visiting Sarah Palin and a couple of my sisters. My Dad takes great pains to light this thing just perfectly in his home, so I felt the need to do it justice and give it the proper Catholic Statuary Ambiance it deserves. Each figure measures about 16", and we decided to put it in the front window of the library here at the Jetpack Compound, the better to antagonize our Santa-worshiping neighbors. (And to let our Jewish neighbors know that we know that Jesus was a Jew. Solidarity and all. Yo. Peace.)

Problem was lighting. I experimented with all manner of clip lights and standing floor lamps, but nothing was working. Enter Puck Lite: a set of three LED lights, battery operated, with peel-and-stick adhesive backing, for under $5 at the local Publix in the light-bulb aisle. (Made in China. God Bless China.) You can see them in the photo below, shining down on this humble scene like three giant Stars of Bethlehem.

I knew I had the perfect lighting scheme going when I heard, "Oh-mi-gawd, Dave! That thing in the front window is sooooo creepy!"

Yes! Nailed it.

Joe Zark

Alaskans are getting understandably pissed that their state is being mocked nationwide as some sort of meth-lab trailer-trash white racist book-burning haven of religious extremists who squirt out babies every 9 months while hunting wolves from airplanes as they eat moose burgers.

I've been to Alaska twice and I can attest that it is a very nice place, more so in the summer, and that these broad generalizations and urban-snobbish opinions can easily be applied to any state in the Union. I'm sure upstate New York has its share of hill-folk. I once met a man in Leesburg, Virginia, 40 miles from Washington, DC, who talked about how "we" beat back the Yankees at a certain point on the Potomac. I know you don't have to venture too far here in Florida to find less than urbane and civilized characters. And having lived for a few years in the town of Ozark, Missouri, I can solemnly state that few regions of the United States could rival the Ozarks for backwoods closed-mindedness. (And meth labs.) Oh, they love Jesus, doncha know, but they love the white, Matthew McConaughey Jesus who votes Republican.

Joe Zark is my expression of my love/hate of the beautiful/ugly state of Missouri, which is really no different than any other state.


Advertisers: You may rent space on Joe Zark's hat or overalls.

Here's another Joe Zark.

Fish Out of Water: The Loneliest Man In Washington

Todd Palin: Fisherman. Oilman. Alaska Native.

I have two brothers-in-law from Alaska. They are man's man's men.

My youngest sister's husband, Ken, who works the oil fields on the North Slope (just like McCain's VP choice's husband) visited us here in Florida a few years back. Like the fisherman and former river guide that he is, Ken spent most of his time here standing on the banks of the canal behind our house, trying to assess the wildlife situation and attempting to get a lay of the land. Ken is a wild man. He loves nature and has a sense for what the animals and fish are doing.

Another of my sisters, less than 2 years younger than me, is very familiar with Sarah Palin. My sister personally campaigned very hard for Palin for the Governorship of Alaska and is herself involved in her local PTA, the very PTA network from which Palin launched her VP candidacy. She emailed my Dad this afternoon that she was "in tears" at the selection of Palin as McCain's VP. This sister's husband, Rob, is a bush pilot. In other words, Rob's job is to fly around the giant wilderness that is Alaska and basically have a great time.

Ken and Rob are great guys, and through them, I think I have a glimpse into what Todd Palin is about to endure. What I know about my brothers-in-law is what I know about Todd Palin. Alaskan males are pretty much a known species - and this man will not be happy at the Naval Observatory. This guy, who lives to fish and spends his spare time on the God-forsaken North Slope Oil Fields, will be losing his mind in Washington, DC.

If Dick Cheney is any example, my hope for Todd Palin (should his wife become the Vice-President of the United States) is that he will have full control of the US government to execute his every whim. What Todd Palin (former snowmobile champion and die-hard fisherman) is going to need is 24-hour access to a private plane that will fly him to Alaska whenever he says, "Fly, bitches!", a fleet of snowmobiles, and the guarantee that his job on the North Slope will never be given to illegal aliens.

This guy is hard core American independence, and the last place he needs to be is in Washington, DC. The fish of the Potomac are not going to satisfy Todd.

18-Year Old Male Vote Secured by McCain

I'm being shallow, as usual, but there has been a lot of chatter on-air and online to this effect.