I Made You a Christmas Card

Make it Shine

Some faith groups don't mind when you poke a little fun at them, while others will cut your head off if you do. Any sour Christians out there wanting to issue a fatwa over this, please consult your Savior for how to properly respond.

Puck Lite: Baby Jesus Never Looked So Happy

Every once in a while, you come across a product that works, suits your needs and renews your faith in the Chinese work ethic. With Mother Mary and Step-dad Joseph as my witnesses, I am not being paid for this post.

I was entrusted with my parents' nativity scene for the Holidays, as they are off in Alaska for a time, visiting Sarah Palin and a couple of my sisters. My Dad takes great pains to light this thing just perfectly in his home, so I felt the need to do it justice and give it the proper Catholic Statuary Ambiance it deserves. Each figure measures about 16", and we decided to put it in the front window of the library here at the Jetpack Compound, the better to antagonize our Santa-worshiping neighbors. (And to let our Jewish neighbors know that we know that Jesus was a Jew. Solidarity and all. Yo. Peace.)

Problem was lighting. I experimented with all manner of clip lights and standing floor lamps, but nothing was working. Enter Puck Lite: a set of three LED lights, battery operated, with peel-and-stick adhesive backing, for under $5 at the local Publix in the light-bulb aisle. (Made in China. God Bless China.) You can see them in the photo below, shining down on this humble scene like three giant Stars of Bethlehem.

I knew I had the perfect lighting scheme going when I heard, "Oh-mi-gawd, Dave! That thing in the front window is sooooo creepy!"

Yes! Nailed it.

We Three Kings of Cha-Ching

I’ve had in my head for a few years an idea for a Christmas art installation. If I put it in my yard, I’m sure the HOA would come down on me and the locals would vandalize it while egging and toilet-papering my house, offended by my little statement. Since I’m once again not going to have the money to do it this season, I’ll put it out there for you to think about. If some adventurous art gallery wants to put up the money, I’ll put it together for you.

The idea is to create a Commercial Nativity Scene using store mannequins.

Joseph and Mary are smartly dressed in Banana Republic type clothing; scarves, blazers and the like. They eat sushi as they sit near their baby.

Baby Jesus wears designer toddler clothing.

The shepherds are ruggedly attired in Australian Outback gear, maybe from Bass Pro or L.L. Bean, an obedent Australian Shepherd cocks his cute head. They carry deluxe, telescopic walking sticks handmade in Germany.

The three wise men are dressed in expensive, tailored suits. They present the infant with opened briefcases filled with cash, Axe Body Spray and luxury timepieces. At least one of them smokes a fine Cuban cigar.

The winged angel wears a white Victoria’s Secret thong and bra. She holds a Starbucks cup in one hand

The animals are cute puppies and kittens.

The manger is a Design Within Reach or IKEA bedroom.

Let the offensiveness begin!