We Three Kings of Cha-Ching

I’ve had in my head for a few years an idea for a Christmas art installation. If I put it in my yard, I’m sure the HOA would come down on me and the locals would vandalize it while egging and toilet-papering my house, offended by my little statement. Since I’m once again not going to have the money to do it this season, I’ll put it out there for you to think about. If some adventurous art gallery wants to put up the money, I’ll put it together for you.

The idea is to create a Commercial Nativity Scene using store mannequins.

Joseph and Mary are smartly dressed in Banana Republic type clothing; scarves, blazers and the like. They eat sushi as they sit near their baby.

Baby Jesus wears designer toddler clothing.

The shepherds are ruggedly attired in Australian Outback gear, maybe from Bass Pro or L.L. Bean, an obedent Australian Shepherd cocks his cute head. They carry deluxe, telescopic walking sticks handmade in Germany.

The three wise men are dressed in expensive, tailored suits. They present the infant with opened briefcases filled with cash, Axe Body Spray and luxury timepieces. At least one of them smokes a fine Cuban cigar.

The winged angel wears a white Victoria’s Secret thong and bra. She holds a Starbucks cup in one hand

The animals are cute puppies and kittens.

The manger is a Design Within Reach or IKEA bedroom.

Let the offensiveness begin!

Every Kiss Begins With

It's that time of year again, when men are reminded by Zales, Kay, Jared, Gordon's, JB Robinson, Helzberg and the rest, that their wives/girlfriends/mothers-of-their-babies need some sparkly shit to help them realize you're not a worthless asshole.

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Mark posted an ad that follows the usual line, conveying the notion that women are whores for jewelry. Employing this method to sell jewelry only happens around the holidays, surely jewelry's big selling season, and sports programs on TV are packed wall to wall with templated jewelry store spots.

By following this easy guide, you can create your own jewelry store commercial. They go like this:

A Snowy Scene:
A. On a festive street, bundled up against the cold.
B. Buying a Christmas tree.
C. Sitting under the tree indoors, a fire blazing behind.
D. In bed

Where a Handsome Man:
A. Husband, graying temples.
B. Boyfriend, male model, dark tousled hair.
C. Father, active, loving and fun.
D. Offspring, acting in proxy for any of the above.

Surprises:
A. Diamond necklace cleverly hidden in tree, looking like an ornament.
B. Pendant placed in sleeping partner's cleavage.
C. Sneaks up behind to place jewelry around neck
D. Has kids do it for him

A Beautiful Lady:
A. Wife, gets better every year
B. Girlfriend, straight out of underwear catalog
C. Mother, the one the local teenagers ogle
D. Fiancé

Who Reacts With:
A. Moist, tender eyes
B. A loving embrace
C. A long, slow kiss, no tongue
D. A snuggle under the arm

Promising:
A. I do
B. Continued wedded bliss
C. I'd choose you again
D. Sex later

You need a jingle of course, or just secure the rights to a famous love song. The jingle is stuck in my head every year at this time, "Every kiss begins with Kay," to which I sing back, "If your woman's a shallow whore."

Guys, I'm pretty sure your wife/girlfriend does not think diamonds= love. Don't fall for this. If you're going to give her jewelry for the Holidays, do it cleverly, of course, because that's always fun and romantic, but don't expect her to "fall in love with you all over again."