Your Email Signature

If you have the following footer in your corporate email signature:

PRIVILEGED AND CONFIDENTIAL | PROPRIETARY INFORMATION AND/OR TRADE SECRET
This e-mail, including any attachments, contains information belonging to the sender which may be Confidential and Legally Privileged. This information is intended only for the use of the individual or entity to whom this e-mail was sent as noted above. The unauthorized use, distribution, copying or alteration of this email is strictly prohibited. If you are not the intended recipient, any disclosure or action taken in reliance on the information contained in this e-mail is strictly prohibited. If you have received this e-mail in error, please advise the sender immediately by return e-mail and then delete it from your system.

I'd suggest that you take a big bold step against your paranoid corporate overlords and delete it.

It's 2016, people. This is bullshit.

Subject Line: Fall Into Savings

Yes, they went there. NICE WORK, Grainger.

But the bad copy doesn't stop there...

Rake in! Get it? 
But you're wondering what that free gift might be after you spend $299, aren't you?

I did the research for you. Get ready, 'cause this is a MIND BLOWER...

Aw, yeah!

Oh, and there's this:

1. Offer valid for the intended recipient only and may not be combined with any other promotions or price discounts.

2. Offer applies to online purchases only for orders shipped within the 48 contiguous United States.

3. The qualifying purchase for the Oversized Steak Knife Set is defined as a single order that totals $299 or more (excluding tax and freight) on Grainger.com.

4. Purchases placed on Grainger Repair Parts Order Form, Custom Sign Center, Custom Filter Center, and sourced or special order items do not qualify for this offer.

5. Customers participating in the Grainger for Your eProcurement Solutions program do not qualify for this offer.

6. Limit one promotional item per qualified Customer, per account.

7. Purchases must be received by Grainger (and a Full Rights user must approve the purchase) between 12:01 a.m. CT Oct. 28, 2015 and 11:59 p.m. CT on Nov. 24, 2015.

8. To receive the free gift, you MUST include the promotional code in the Promotion Code Box on the Grainger.com order form.

9. Quantities are limited and are available while supplies last; in the event that supplies are exhausted, Grainger may substitute an item of similar value.

10. The approximate retail value of the Oversized Steak Knife Set is $30.35.

11. The promotional item will be shipped separately from your Grainger.com purchase.

12. Please allow 6-8 weeks after promotion end date for delivery.

13. If entering a trade promotion or acceptance by you of a free gift is a violation of your company’s policies, do not participate in this promotion.

14. VOID WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW.

15. Government and Healthcare employees are not eligible for free offers. Employees of W.W. Grainger, Inc. and its subsidiaries and affiliates are not eligible for free items.

16. Grainger.com purchases are subject to Grainger’s Terms of Sale.

17. Grainger and Grainger.com are registered trademarks of W.W. Grainger, Inc.

18. For more information regarding any of the trademarks used herein, please go to our Terms of Access, Trademarks Section of our website.

Cold Call Carl - No. 11

Click for the larger and more legible.

Here's the whole "Cold Call Carl" series.

Meat-Eaters Are People Too

If you don't eat meat, please skip this post, as I know how you vegans and vegetarians get when we primitive people talk about grilling the flesh of animals over open fires, blood dripping onto the coals, creating a sizzling sound that emits a puff of smoke so aromatic as to cause those who smell it to rip their clothes from their bodies and engage in marauding, raping and other expressions of gratitude to the gods of plumped heifers and gorged pigs.

Omaha Steaks. I encountered them for the first time last year, when a brother-in-law sent me some steaks for Christmas, as he knows I like to grill. He was in Iraq at the time, so preparing the steaks was done with some sense of patriotic duty. Coincidentally, I too had sent a similar package of Omaha Steaks to another brother-in-law for Christmas, he being of that age when you just don't know what to get the guy anymore, and you know he likes meat, so you give him dead steer. The steaks I received were beyond excellent, perfectly packaged in dry ice, obviously good and bloody in their plastic vacuum-sealed containers - and when they hit the grill, I watched as birds stopped chirping, cocking their heads toward the sizzling sound. A group of deer paused in their tracks, staring my way with hungry eyes, seriously contemplating abandoning their herbivore nature. Dogs all over the neighborhood stuck their noses high in the air and twitched their ears, whimpering, while squirrels bowed on high branches, telling their little squirrel children to stop, watch and learn. The sky directly overhead was suddenly darkened by clouds of eagles, falcons and hawks, circling in a mad frenzy, screeching in lust.

And the eating that night! Oh, it was grand! All hail the sacrificed beast of burden! Raise a toast in honor of his noble death, which has provided us with a carnal and primitive feast, the memory of which shall live forever! Omaha had delivered a most wonderful steak, and we were well pleased. Our dog, Roman, still recounts that evening to whatever other dog will listen, and the other dog will drool and chase its tail and finally slump to the floor in resignation, realizing that to hear the tale of the Steak from Omaha is nothing at all like eating it. And Roman will slump with the other dog, and say, "It was the emails and phone calls that put a stop to the Steak from Omaha. And they only let me have one tiny bite." He then sighs loudly and closes his eyes.

All it took was one order, sent to a brother-in-law in St. Louis, and Omaha Steaks has since hounded me daily by email and phone, trying to get me to take the next step on the road to becoming a 33rd Degree Omahan. I politely tell the phone solicitors, "No thanks," and hang up before they can say the next line in their script. The emails go to the SPAM folder and get deleted without opening. I finally found the "stop sending me emails" link and unsubscribed. Not that I ever did "subscribe," but an email address was required for online ordering, naturally. Of course then I got an email telling me how sorry they were that I unsubscribed and "Won't you please take one final look at these great offers on juicy meats for the holidays?"

Omaha Steaks, you have a great product. I know where to find you if and when I decide to buy more of your steaks. But the "if" part of that equation grows iffier every day, as you have gone from a place to get good steaks to an annoying and constant presence in my life. That won't win you any friends around here. It might even make you an enemy.

barry.obama1961@gmail.com

If you've had at least half an ear to the news lately, you've likely heard that some evil Democrat Children pulled a page from the stinking Republican playbook and VIOLATED THE SANCTITY of Her Holiness Sister Sarah's Yahoo! account and published some very uninteresting crap. So The Onion, where I want to work someday, did us one better.

Inside Obama's emails

via American in Berlin Rachel Doyle.

You're Slowing Me Down, Kid

Little Stevie here was going to get Dad a tie for Father's Day, but Trek talked him into a bike. The Madone line from Trek starts at around $2,000 and can set you back as much as $5,500.

Image from an email campaign Trek is currently running.

My own Dad forwarded this to me, as he is on their mailing list. Not happening, Dad.

When Nonsense Becomes Creative

The spammers learned very quickly that to be upfront in their subject lines was going to send their direct mail pieces straight to the spam folder. Then they developed tricky ways to spell, like "V!@gra." That practice eventually caught up with them, so now they just make shit up. Crazy unpronounceable words that make no sense.

Here's a little game. Of these nonsensical subject lines, I will randomly pick one. What are the odds that the email will address my manhood?

I'm going to pick the 4th email, titled "zereiruj". It's got a nice ring to it. It's a pretty word that might mean "postcard skies" in some exotic language.

Envelope please.

(drum roll)










Damn! Didn't see that coming.

Overcompensating Much?

If your email signature contains a strange title, numerous phone and fax numbers and about a half dozen different social media links just in case I want to Skype, Twitter or IM you, followed by that insipid "the information contained in this electronic transmision is confidential," why don't you do your colleagues and clients a favor and trim it down some? Do I really need your email address at the bottom of an email from you? Think about it.

Oh, and you aren't from the UK, so please stop signing your emails with "Cheers!"