Your Email Signature

If you have the following footer in your corporate email signature:

PRIVILEGED AND CONFIDENTIAL | PROPRIETARY INFORMATION AND/OR TRADE SECRET
This e-mail, including any attachments, contains information belonging to the sender which may be Confidential and Legally Privileged. This information is intended only for the use of the individual or entity to whom this e-mail was sent as noted above. The unauthorized use, distribution, copying or alteration of this email is strictly prohibited. If you are not the intended recipient, any disclosure or action taken in reliance on the information contained in this e-mail is strictly prohibited. If you have received this e-mail in error, please advise the sender immediately by return e-mail and then delete it from your system.

I'd suggest that you take a big bold step against your paranoid corporate overlords and delete it.

It's 2016, people. This is bullshit.

Oh Yeah - Spirit Went There

Alert reader and friend of the blog Lucy sent me this email campaign being run presently by Spirit Airlines, who are always quick with a timely jab.

Excerpts from Emails I Get

Inspired by Bill Green's Overheard Internet feature, I'm pasting randomness from friends, colleagues and relatives I've received through that antiquated form of communication, Electronic Mail.

"As for your unsolicited comment about my favorite video, yours is the first negative comment I've received. Everyone seems to think it's great. In fact, a television producer in Houston wants to use it in a piece she's doing. I will keep your comment in mind as I continue to collect nothing but positive reviews."

"I like getting dirty. Put new shocks on my truck yesterday, that was fun! That kind of stuff is much more rewarding to me than typing things into the glowing rectangle."

"I'm forwarding this issue to you because it has a link to an interesting article about Facebook.  The article itself contains a link to a video of a George Stephanopoulos ABC interview of a school principal who advocates not letting kids on Facebook." 

"You won't be in any jeopardy. Send me the check when yours arrive. No problem on this end. Thanks for letting me know and caring."

"The Shindiawas have a ferrule/bushing where the fuel line passes into the tank so you may want to check for an air leak on both sides of the tank ferrule. To check for an air leak there I usually pull the filter and line through the fill cap, clamp it off there then remove the same line from the carb and pressurize it to see if it holds pressure."

Just Over Half Equals "Almost"

One of my email accounts on a Microsoft Exchange server is getting all paranoid on me, sending me this message every day.


"Delete any items you don't need from your mailbox and empty your Deleted Items folder."

Since it took me five months to get to this point, I might wait a little bit, like until I can barely see any white left in that bar.

Accidental Email Poetry

I received an email this morning from our accountant/interior designer, who is purchasing chairs for my office. After a few exchanges, the line breaks became random, resulting in this:



I just asked Sheri if your space could hold two
chairs, would she be good with purchasing two

and she said, "see what he prefers". Personally, I
think two would look better, but, let me know what

you think.



I'm hearing bongos and snapping fingers...man.

Why This Depression Will Be Cooler Than The Last One

This one will be live-blogged, tweeted, facebooked and texted. All of your friends getting laid off and looking for work are telling you about it in real time.

Back then, in the Sucky Great Depression, you'd have to wait months for Johnny out in Nebraska to scrape together 2¢ to find a stamp and an envelope. Then he scratched his bad news on a spent matchbook with a gnawed-down rat bone and sent it to you in the mail. By the time you heard Johnny was at the end of his rope, he'd probably already hanged himself. At least now we can say, "Hey, now! Chin up, Johnny! Life's not so bad! There's a breadline I just Googled not 5 minutes from where you are right now. I'll text ahead and save you a loaf."

You'll know it's really bad when your friends don't tweet, email or IM anymore.

Rush Hour Traffic Alert for Central Florida

A long time ago, when Obama was hurting in his bid against Senator Clinton, I made the unwise decision to send his campaign an email suggesting some strategic and tactical moves they might employ. Big mistake. Now I'm on a mailing list that brings me at least three emails a day, all very friendly and personalized and almost always concluding with, "And can we have $5?"

I've yet to send a single dollar and I'm sure I won't, but I remain on the list out of curiosity and as a student of politics and marketing. Last night I got an email from Big BO himself! Barry said, "Hi, Dave! I'm going to be in Orlando tomorrow! Hope you can come out! Event is at 6 pm, but try to get there at 3 pm."

He'll be at the Amway Arena of all places. Ugh. Amway.

RSVP to Barry: Uh, sorry. Can't make it. Something suddenly came up*. I'll be avoiding that crazy mad throng of worshipers, all throwing their babies on your altar in some sort of orgiastic satanic-socialist cult-of-personality ritual while you and your frothing band of America haters and welfare recipients try to besmirch the good name and solid reputation of Her Holiness, Sister Sarah of Alaska (and her running mate, that old guy she will replace as soon as he breathes his last come January). And I'm not interested in a "management opportunity" in your "new business" either, you multilevel marketing community organizer.

As a public service, I've created this traffic map for my fellow citizens, effective from now (2:45 pm) until tomorrow morning at 5:30 am.

• Red: Pack your dinner and plenty of water. Hope you have a Pringles can to pee in or you're wearing Space Diapers. You'll be stuck in this mess for hours to come. Resistance is futile. Might as well just accept his rule, since he rules your next 12 hours anyway.
  
• Orange: Have you ever seen so many Obama bumper stickers on one commute? To avoid confrontation, McCain supporters are urged to keep their eyes on the road and both hands on the wheel. Do not make eye contact with The Obama People.
  
• Yellow: As you curse the socialist mob and their antichrist messiah for ruining your evening, tune in to Sean Hannity for cathartic release. Violence is not an option and you will only end up in jail. Then again, if you're a true patriot in the Hannity tradition...well, I think Sean would understand if you were forced to show your love for your country by vandalizing Obama cars and screaming wildly at the occupants.

* Friends of Maureen know what I mean.

barry.obama1961@gmail.com

If you've had at least half an ear to the news lately, you've likely heard that some evil Democrat Children pulled a page from the stinking Republican playbook and VIOLATED THE SANCTITY of Her Holiness Sister Sarah's Yahoo! account and published some very uninteresting crap. So The Onion, where I want to work someday, did us one better.

Inside Obama's emails

via American in Berlin Rachel Doyle.

Put the Headphones On

...and then later explain to your coworkers why you're convulsing with laughter. If you're eating when listening to this, please stop, as laughing while eating is a leading cause of choking, and I won't be held responsible for your death. It's a dramatic reading of a poorly (or hastily) drafted breakup letter. I love this thing on so many levels, one of which is the title: You Make Me Touch Your Hands for Stupid Reasons.














Found via The Assimiliated Negro, whose blog is a must read, and will likely today replace some dormant blog on my Linkers and Lurkers list at right.