Another Study Confirms What You Already Knew

Turns out junk food is as addictive as cocaine, heroin and nicotine.

(Duh. I've been saying this for over three years. Why do you think they call it "junk" ...man?)

I don't know how they animate to current events so fast, but  watch the new South Park episode where one subplot has Cartman taking over a KFC smuggling operation in Colorado. (There are also some very current Vatican-pedophile jokes strewn throughout.)

Stephen Colbert was all over it a couple nights ago. "In your face, Jamie Oliver!"

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They're Known on the Street as "Do-Si-Dos"

Yesterday on the way home from work I hit the neighborhood Publix for some stuff. Out in front were a Girl Scout and her mother behind a folding table, selling their drugs in broad daylight. She said there were only two boxes left, the peanut butter kind. If Thin Mints are the heroin of Girl Scout Cookies, then the peanut butter ones are the crack. They call them Do-Si-Dos. She gave me her sad, pleading eyes as some handmade sign behind her declared something about “Buy Cookies and Support the Military.” Yeah, whatever.

I said, “If those are still here when I come out, I’ll buy them,” confident that some other addict would lapse and fall for this phony “Girl Scout Cookies Support the Troops” sales gimmick.

I left the store and she was still there. So were the cookies. I said, “Shut this thing down. I’m buying your last two boxes.” As I handed over $7, she thanked me profusely and actually said, “You’re my hero.”

I’m sure as I left she pulled out two more boxes and repeated the ruse for the next sucker. The boxes now sit in the pantry, as yet unopened. Those things only come around once a year. Got to hold on to them.

Previously in Evil Lying Drug Dealer Girl Scouts

A National Epidemic

He opened the door to find the dealer standing on his porch again, smiling her sweet, semi-toothless smile, proudly displaying her gang's colors. Like many kids in that part of town, she'd been brought into the gang at a young age. There just wasn't much a kid could do to resist their aggressive recruiting efforts, and gang membership offered prestige, rewards and a sense of belonging.

She was just a pawn in a much bigger game, and the man couldn’t fault her for doing what her ruthless masters were forcing her to do. There was no real “pushing” involved. She only needed to know how much he wanted to buy. He had quit the habit almost a year ago, gone clean - started a new life, free of her addicting junk. The stuff could possess a man; make him wake up at night craving it. One was too many – a hundred not enough.

And maybe she wasn’t so innocent after all. There was something behind that smile. Something that said, “You love it, Mister. You need it. With as much as you bought off me last year, you made me a hero in my gang. I’m counting on you again to help me rake in the cash. I'm gonna have respect among my peers. I'm gonna rise in the ranks.”

He caved, of course – and later that month when he saw her with her mother, he pretended to be joking as he shouted from across the parking lot, “Where are my cookies?!”

“Next Wednesday,” they both called out with waves and smiles.

“Better hurry the fuck up,” he muttered under his breath.



Last Year in Evil Girl Scouts