Trust Your Future to a Man in a Feather Suit Who Rips Hearts Out

What is it about the Mayans that has everyone so fascinated? I'll grant that the new movie "2012" looks like some fun Armageddon footage that must be seen on the big screen to be appreciated, but I don't know why we hold up this primitive bunch who practiced human sacrifice to appease the sky gods as some sort of wise society. I guess we always need some sort of doom hanging over us to make us feel alive in some twisted way. That's why everyone loves the hack poet and drug-addled dickbrain Nostradamus. (I got your Nostradamus right here.)

Just 'cause the Mayans didn't plan ahead and ran out of room on their stupid circular calendar doesn't mean they knew shit about shit. Didn't see the Spaniards coming, now did they? I for one am getting ready for 2013 with these t-shirts.

The Depression is ON!

Disney has historically reported large profits even when everyone around them is failing. So you know times are bad when Disney is offering buyouts to 600 of its executives.

"The parks and resorts division is in the process of implementing a number of initiatives to contain costs and maximize efficiency," Disney parks and resort spokeswoman Leslie Goodman said. "Given the continued uncertainty of the economic environment, we must manage our business even more productively."

That's Disneyspeak for "We aren't going to make as many billions this quarter as we thought we might."

So now I finally understand that mysterious Nostradamus quatrain:

Two days from the Big Hope
three-score hundred leaders shall leave forever the Kingdom
and move back to the Midwest
where their buyout packages will buy nicer homes

Tell Us, O Seer - What is Our Fate?

So I wasted way too much time the other night watching the History Channel's completely BS-laden Nostradamus specials. The History Channel is no longer the History Channel. It's the Crap Channel. It's the Speculation about Stupid Shit Channel. It's the Dumb-Ass Channel. It's the "We May Never Know" Channel. The problem with these believers in Nostradamus is their inability to tell us what any of his quatrains mean BEFORE the fact.

But I was doing some research and found some long-overlooked quatrains purported to be written by the Great French Swindler himself. I will share them, then interpret them for you. So here, for the first time ever, we can see his grand prophecies ahead of time.

From a saw to a house
in the time of reptile falling
a great shaking in the City
when torn from one to the next

This one is obvious. "From a saw to a house" clearly refers to Hillary Clinton being once from Arkansas and will soon occupy a house - that is, the White House. We can understand this prophecy by the very clear time references Nostradamus gives us in the following lines. "In the time of reptile falling" refers, obviously, to the Florida Gators no longer occupying the top spot in collegiate football. Further, we have a "a great shaking in the City, when torn from one to the next," which, as if I needed to tell you, refers to Joe Torre leaving the Yankees for the Dodgers. "Torn" our clue for Torre, "great shaking" obviously referring to earthquake-prone Los Angeles.

Let's try another.

A horse and rider, man reigns him
Braying, fallen, the ruse spoiled
breaking and lengthened with commerce
and storm shall go unnoticed

This one is exciting because it's so timely! "Horse and rider?" DUH! Colts and Patriots! "Man" is obviously Peyton Manning. "Braying?" Tom Brady! HELLO!"Ruse spoiled" = Belichick's cheating does him no good. "Breaking and lengthened with commerce" means the broadcast will be so filled with commercial breaks you'll forget you're watching a game. "Storm shall go unnoticed" means the Chargers (lightning) will romp all over the Vikings while no one pays any attention.

Wow. I'm spent. This prophecy business is taxing.

History's Mysteries

I will now write the last line of every documentary - past, present and future - on the History Channel that deals with UFOs, aliens, mysterious creatures like the Loch Ness Monster or Bigfoot, Bible codes, the Bermuda Triangle, lost civilizations, witchcraft, DaVinci, Nostradamus or the pyramids.

After they've interviewed the believers and the skeptics, the authorities and the writers, the lecturers and the eye-witnesses - this is the final line spoken by the narrator:

"We may never know."

But they keep remaking the same documentaries year after year.