Friday, November 02, 2007

Tell Us, O Seer - What is Our Fate?

So I wasted way too much time the other night watching the History Channel's completely BS-laden Nostradamus specials. The History Channel is no longer the History Channel. It's the Crap Channel. It's the Speculation about Stupid Shit Channel. It's the Dumb-Ass Channel. It's the "We May Never Know" Channel. The problem with these believers in Nostradamus is their inability to tell us what any of his quatrains mean BEFORE the fact.

But I was doing some research and found some long-overlooked quatrains purported to be written by the Great French Swindler himself. I will share them, then interpret them for you. So here, for the first time ever, we can see his grand prophecies ahead of time.

From a saw to a house
in the time of reptile falling

a great shaking in the City
when torn from one to the next


This one is obvious. "From a saw to a house" clearly refers to Hillary Clinton being once from Arkansas and will soon occupy a house - that is, the White House. We can understand this prophecy by the very clear time references Nostradamus gives us in the following lines. "In the time of reptile falling" refers, obviously, to the Florida Gators no longer occupying the top spot in collegiate football. Further, we have a "a great shaking in the City, when torn from one to the next," which, as if I needed to tell you, refers to Joe Torre leaving the Yankees for the Dodgers. "Torn" our clue for Torre, "great shaking" obviously referring to earthquake-prone Los Angeles.

Let's try another.

A horse and rider, man reigns him
Braying, fallen, the ruse spoiled

breaking and lengthened with commerce
and storm shall go unnoticed

This one is exciting because it's so timely! "Horse and rider?" DUH! Colts and Patriots! "Man" is obviously Peyton Manning. "Braying?" Tom Brady! HELLO!"Ruse spoiled" = Belichick's cheating does him no good. "Breaking and lengthened with commerce" means the broadcast will be so filled with commercial breaks you'll forget you're watching a game. "Storm shall go unnoticed" means the Chargers (lightning) will romp all over the Vikings while no one pays any attention.

Wow. I'm spent. This prophecy business is taxing.

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