Keeping Your Irrelevancy Relevant

In a post-postmodern culture, where even nostalgia for stupid long-dead sitcoms died with Y2K, what is a depressed aging actress ex-wife of a crack-addict rockstar to do other than get re-famous for losing weight? You go, girl! Here's your guest spot on Ellen. Write a book. Encourage fat ladies. Do some spots for Jenny Craig or whatever. Oh, damn, this is so fun, just like the old days when I was young and pretty and untalented. Huh? Wha? The book tour's over? Quick, get a press release out to all the news outlets that I defend another washed-up fat actress' weight.

God, sometimes I just absolutely hate America. Sorry, Sean Hannity - please don't take that the wrong way.