Dance With The One That Brung You

It's all over the news today; all the world all freaked out that Taco Bell's meat doesn't really qualify as meat, according to the U.S. Department of Agriculture.

This is not news. Nobody eats at Taco Bell imagining that the food is good for them. It's late night stoner food. It's fill-up-for-cheap-damn-the-intestinal-consequences food.

Hopefully, there won't be some stupid circling of the wagons at Taco Bell wherein some stupid flack comes out and issues a stupid, formal response to the stupid lawsuit brought by the stupid Alabama stupid law firm. And hopefully, they won't start a Twitter or Facebook "Brand Reputation Management" counter-assault. So far, they're doing exactly what they should be doing: ignoring it. It's business as usual on the Taco Bell Twitter feed, including retweeting @ShutTheFxckUpHo 's tweet, "I love Taco Bell with all my heart!"

Now if the shit-meat really starts to hit the fan and Taco Bell starts noticing people avoiding their stores, I urge them now to avoid the PR pimps and whores who will come running to offer their services. I urge them to resist the urge to apologize and to avoid the promises to make things better, "going forward."

Embrace who you are. Celebrate it. Flaunt it. Fuck 'em all. You're Taco Bell, damnit. You've got nothing to apologize for.

UPDATE: Too bad, Taco Bell looks like it's going the legal route. Spineless.

What Business Is It of Yours?

I'm a little surprised by what has become a routine outcry among my friends in the design community. It's like every time a company comes out with a redesigned logo, they have to do it gingerly, carefully, calculatedly and nearly scared, knowing that a huge storm of criticism is about to be unleashed. Starbucks' CEO has to release a minute and a half video explaining the evolution of its iconic "siren" logo? Of course it didn't change the fact that designers the world over are up in arms. And I don't doubt for a second that Starbucks knew it was coming and welcome it. "This buzz is going to be great for us," someone said in Seattle.

Did The Gap suffer slumping sales after the online backlash that compelled them to drop their logo change? Did the people making all the noise even shop at The Gap? Gap showed extreme spinelessness during that uproar. I hope Starbucks doesn't yield.

If I had a company, I would change the logo overnight, without fanfare and without pandering. Not so much as a press release. Just send the sign crews out and get it done on the storefronts and swap out the in-store stuff as the old stuff runs out. Without focus-grouping and without crowd-sourcing. Starbucks is Starbucks. Your average Starbucks consumer might someday look at the cup and go, "Hmmm - they changed the cup a little," and then never give it a second thought.

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But we live in Insta-World^TM, in this consumer-driven, conversation-intense environment where the slightest misstep, or perceived misstep, is amplified and bounced around the world in seconds, where everyone's an expert and a company is nearly paralyzed with fear to make any move. And if they get criticized, they must hurry to the defense and engage a team of brand reputation management specialists to reply to negative tweets or blog posts or Facebook updates. Hurry! Scrub the wires for any negative mention that might hurt us.

You know what, big brands? They're just a bunch of noisemakers trying to make noise. For every whining baby out there making a stink about your products or service, there are likely a thousand loyal and satisfied customers you will never hear from. You go ahead and do what you can to alleviate legitimate gripes and resolve obvious issues. That's just smart business and wise customer service. Businesses were doing that long before social media came into relevance.

Brand loyalty is a wonderful thing. I'm not a Starbucks guy, but I know plenty of people in love with the stuff. They're not going anywhere. But if they want to chime in and tell you what to have as your company icon? That's when you tell them they might be happier with a cup of coffee from 7-Eleven.

The Perpetually Malcontented Trolls of TripAdvisor

You can't believe everything you read, especially on TripAdvisor. If it's not some asshole looking for a free meal or a comped night, it's the proprietor himself posting fake five-star reviews. You want a glowing review of that hotel you're thinking of booking? You can find it! You want a picture of mold in the shower? You can find that, too!

A London brand reputation management firm is hoping to sue TripAdvisor on behalf of its clients. The founder of the firm, a master of the obvious, said, "The world of the Internet and particularly social media has pretty much outstripped ethical guidelines, and some legal ones as well.”

Everyone's a reviewer. Everyone's a critic. Your best bet is the recommendation of someone you know and trust; someone who will give you the straight story. "It was awesome. I mean, sure, the little bottles of shampoo were kinda harsh on my hair, but other than that, good bed, nice view, decent staff. It's a hotel, man, what do you want?"

Or you can trust the whining freaks who can't wait to get home and pretend to be authorities on all things hospitality and dining.

At the Company's One-Day Retreat

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Social Media Mission Control

Sold on the idea that they absolutely just have to be involved in Twitter, Facebook and probably Foursquare at this point, businesses still fail miserably when it comes to social media. It's not really their fault. I blame the clowns at the agencies who made them believe how important it was in the first place.

I tweeted recently about my disappointment with my insurance company - by name. (Hint: You're not really in good hands with them.) Within a day and a half, which is a long-ass time in social media, I got a reply on Twitter, though I'm sure they thought they were being quite timely. It was a very bland and corporatey response, something to the effect of, "Sorry. How can we help?" But the truth is, that's all they could say. Unfortunately, there is nothing they can actually do to help and they know that. They sent an adjuster out to the house who denied my claim, so I said they sucked on Twitter. Is their Twitter Response Team going to overrule the adjuster? Of course not. They responded just for the sake of responding, to avoid looking like an uncaring corporate entity with little regard for their customers' petty complaints. They call it Brand Reputation Management, which is a nice way of saying "Spray the Dog Shit with Lysol." It will stop stinking for a little while and maybe people will walk through the room and not notice it. Eventually it will dry up and stop stinking altogether.

I'm sure there are others out there who griped about an airline and maybe got a few free miles out of the exchange, but those cases are rare. Personally, I'd rather go back to the days (two years ago) when companies just let the complaints happen, not worried what one little tweet was going to do to their brand. One little tweet won't do shit to your brand, unless it reflects a huge and catastrophic fuck-up on your company's part, like maybe you lost a child on one of your airplanes. You got sold on "Being in a Conversation" with your customers, which is utter bullshit. You may now appear to be in a conversation, but you don't give a rat's ass anymore than you ever did. There are other insurance companies, but this one gambles that I will probably not go to the trouble of switching to another just because I have to pay for my own claim now. They're probably right, but their fake caring response had nothing to do with that. They should stop worrying about it and stop pretending to care.

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On February 19, 2010, a long and enduring public humiliation culminated in one historic event - the apology of Tiger Woods at a press conference at Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida. Introducing a defining Tiger Woods collectible that captures a landmark moment in the changing tide of the American media landscape. This Tiger Woods commemorative collector plate celebrates his contrite message of hope that his fans would "find it in your hearts to believe in me again."

Crafted in magnificent fine porcelain, this All-American limited-edition Tiger Woods collectible is available exclusively from The Jetpack Exchange. Featuring an image of his electrifying speech before a worldwide audience against a deep blue backdrop, this momentous Tiger Woods memorabilia signifies the changing power of the public apology. Own your piece of American history. Order now!

The Apology Ad

My first car was a Toyota, a hand-me-down Celica from my Dad. It wasn't mine for very long before I fell asleep at the wheel and rolled it on I-5 in San Diego early one morning. I promptly replaced it with another used Celica, this one a little newer and with one more gear. Since then I've owned two more Toyotas and there's one in the driveway right now. I've been a loyalist I suppose, and have always trusted the company to make long-lasting, reliable vehicles. If I could afford to, I would pay way too much money to own one of the original Land Cruisers, before Land Cruiser got all snotty and shiny and became the preferred truck of snotty, shiny women carting their kids to school.

So now they're recalling how many cars? 8 million? And deaths can be attributed to some manufacturing flaws? How do you rebound from that? Toyota is all over the news in the most embarrassing way a manufacturer can be in the news, with many wondering if they'll ever recover from this blow. In Japan it is being seen as the prelude to the country's post-industrialization era. And while I agree with the company's policy of public apology, (very Japanese of them) I don't like this spot much. They want to "restore your faith in our company" says the voiceover guy who received the following direction: "We need you to sound like you're very sorry, like you're almost crying, like a married politician who got busted having an affair."



Nonetheless, I don't know how you could've done this ad better. They tell the story of a company with a heritage of quality that majorly fucked up and is now working like dogs to fix their fuck-ups and get out of the doghouse. Well, you might've given your voiceover guy a little less simpering wimp intonation and let him read it differently, but whatever, voiceover guys are a dime a dozen. They can easily replace the audio track. 

When you search Toyota on YouTube, you'll find the company has bought the top listing. Another wise move. And leave it to the YouTube comment "community" to let Toyota know how they feel:

"...you can not hide 20 deaths and call your product HIGH QUALITY."

"BUY AMERICAN!"

"Remember Pearl Harbor!"

I can see a day when this bad season is behind Toyota and they are back in form, winning our trust again, but it's going to take something really awesome, like an electric car that goes 500 miles on a charge. Or a jetpack.

Volvo Hater

bigness

Saw this car on the road this morning. If you can't read it through the rain, it says, "Ask me why I will never buy another Volvo." This guy also displayed a URL on the back of the vehicle: Orlando-Volvo.com. There, he offers testimony from other Volvo haters and a video (that doesn't load) of his Volvo "misbehaving." There are also a bunch of Google Adwords ads for extended auto warranties.

I suppose you could find a thousand people to write bad reviews about nearly anything, and this guy has been collecting them from all over the place regarding Volvos. Clearly, you can't please all of the people all of the time.

You really have to be a special person to drive this vehicle, and you really have to have been pissed off to pay the money to deck it out in this ridiculous red-yellow hate scheme. And to what end? How many will see this car and the accompanying site and forever avoid Volvos? Is Volvo aware? Are they doing anything for the guy? At what point does the brand say, "Screw it. Pay the guy off and fix his car, make him sign an agreement that he won't badmouth us anymore."? Or does the brand say, "Whack job. Forget about it." and plow on, ignoring an obviously pissed off former customer?

What? It Was Only a Hole in the Fuselage! Chill.

I'd bet that the movie Rain Man did a lot for the public perception of Qantas as a safe airline. (If you haven't seen it, the Dustin "Please Retire" Hoffman character informs the Tom "Please be Abducted by Aliens" Cruise character that Qantas has never had a fatal accident.)

I'm sure company officials are breathing a sigh of relief after this emergency landing in Manila.

When Your Brand is Synonymous with Suicide Cults

I enjoy visiting deeply partisan political blogs just to read the idiotic comments left on them by uninformed yet passionate voters. It's amazing that people with no knowledge of proper English usage, punctuation or grammar are so heavily involved this year in the political discourse. Everyone's got an opinion, but most of them are parroted from the commenter's favorite partisan radio or TV host.

Then the name calling begins. Hillary Haters refer to her as Hillabeans, Hildabeast, Shrillary, Hellery, Sillary and Hillarious, among other clever names. The Obama crowd are called Obamaniacs and Cultists while their candidate is mockingly referred to as "The Messiah." McCain is derided as Bush Jr, McSame and McBush.

And all camps call everyone who follows and supports anyone but their favorite candidate "Kool-Aid Drinkers." It has become the slur of the season. Drinking the Clinton Kool-Aid or the Obama Kool-Aid or the McCain Kool-Aid is to be a deluded fool with no sense of reason who would die for their misguided leader. The term comes from the Jonestown Massacre, where 900 devotees of Jim Jones drank poison-laced Kool-Aid in a mass suicide.

So I wondered how Kraft Foods and their maligned product were faring as their brand name is tossed about regularly as a synonym for "idiot," "fool," or "mindless drone."

So I went to the Kool-Aid site. Silly me. Kool-Aid is for kids. Kids aren't reading political blogs or watching talk TV. Kraft Foods probably enjoys the fact that their product's name is on the lips of so many Americans. They don't need to address this non-issue. They market straight to kids. The kids then tell their parents to buy it. And Kool-Aid's tagline, "Oh, Yeah!" is one of the coolest tags out there.

But Kraft Foods is doing some targeted kid marketing these days. The Kool-Aid website is all "street" with graffiti font. The once fat Kool-Aid guy is now slimmed down (because obesity is a problem and Kraft Foods cares about kids) and he's showing off his urban cred. All of his old schoolmates from "back in the day" are minorities. Check out his friend's "ride." He enjoys concerts and b-ball, naturally.

Kids are drinking the Kool-Aid.

Not What We Had In Mind

Today in Public Relations

A story making the rounds.

Wyoming Coach Joe Glenn didn't like how Utah tried an onside kick with a 43-point lead, and he let coach Kyle Whittingham know by giving him the finger. The Mountain West Conference reprimanded Glenn today for making the obscene gesture during the game, which was nationally televised. Glenn said after the 50-0 loss Saturday that he didn't remember giving the finger. "Honest to God, I can't even respond to it," Glenn said. "Maybe, I don't know." By today, however, he was repentant. "I met with my team on Sunday and apologized to them for the gesture I made toward the Utah bench during the game," Glenn said in a statement. "I also want to apologize to all fans for that action. Football is an emotional game, and I let my emotions get the best of me. I felt it was appropriate for me to let my team and all fans know that I am truly sorry for that emotional moment."

This is one of the times when a public apology is not at all necessary. If a coach can't get emotional, who can? When you're up by 43 points, it is extremely unsportsmanlike to attempt an onside kick. That is just as in-your-face as a finger. In fact, it says the same thing. The other coach should be called on to apologize if this Glenn guy has to. Obviously, this is a rivalry with some history behind it.

But this isn't like a celebrity caught on tape tossing around racial epithets or calling his daughter a rude, thoughtless pig. And if this had happened in England at a soccer match, the offended coach would've broken a bottle over the other coach's head, then sliced him repeatedly with the broken bottle, then been treated as a national hero for having the balls to stand up for his team. He'd probably even get some sportsmanship award from the Queen and be knighted.

On the subjects of football and sportsmanship, I'm getting real tired of NFL players dancing, celebrating and chest thumping/bumping after a simple tackle. You are a football player. We expect you to tackle. Quit acting like an idiot.

Good on You, Google

Seems Google finally heard the rumble of the bloggers when they decided to forgo a Memorial Day logo back in May - again - for the ninth year in a row. Today marks the first time Google has rolled out a Veterans Day log.

They play it safe, of course, and feature helmets from the World War I era. Still, nice to see Google honoring those who've served in the military in addition to their regular paying of respects on such honored days as Persian New Year, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s birthday and World Water Day.

A Fan Story

"You don't control the message," we tell the client these days, because one stupid blogger with a beef against you can do damage to your brand in a single post. I don't have that kind of blog power, but Home Depot is starting to piss me off.

I love a good fan. When I’m at Home Depot, I like to look at those giant fans on wheels that stand about four feet high. I’ll imagine how easy it would be to clean an area with that thing on top speed, blowing away everything that isn’t fastened down. But mainly, I just like a nice breeze.

Up until this week, I had a “commercial grade” fan from GE that ran pretty much 24/7. I’m a fan of GE stuff and this rugged fan served me faithfully and quietly. Any motor that runs nonstop for seven years is pretty good, so when it died this week, I determined to replace it with a similar fan, hopefully even the exact same model. Kind of like if a faithful dog died unexpectedly, you might be inclined to replace the pet with one just like it.

A trip to my not-at-all-friendly neighborhood Home Depot (you people have such attitudes) resulted in the purchase of the closest thing I could find. Boxed, there was no way of seeing what was inside, but by the drawing on the box, it seemed to be roughly similar to my recently departed GE fan.

Out of the box, this fan revealed itself for the poorly made Chinese piece of crap that it is. On the lowest speed, it sounds like a small plane is buzzing the house. What passes for metal in China is apparently just shiny chicken wire. And I should’ve been tipped off by the very silly name “King of Fans®.” I can now picture the prototype being tested at the factory. A group of engineers hit the “on” switch and marveled at the noise and the gale force wind. “This fan is the King! It is the King of Fans!” they congratulated one another. Then they named their new company King of Fans. “It will tell of the majesty and glory of this fan, and we will sell them to Americans through their Home Depot. Oh, and don’t let them see inside the box before they purchase.” Then they rounded up some local children and put them to work in the factory so Americans could have cheap fans.

King of Fans® is now a garage fan. Pissed at the Depot, I tried Lowe’s, who had absolutely zero fans in stock, as they apparently think it’s winter season and people don’t need fans now. Idiots. So I had to go back to the Depot, where I purchased an oscillating Pelonis™. All plastic, with a freaking remote control. If I ever use a remote control for a fan, just shoot my stupid, lazy, American ass right there on the spot. Same price (roughly $35) as King of Fans®, but quiet and with a relatively normal name. Oh yeah - and made in China.

Verdict: Not all Chinese fans are the same. And Home Depot sucks. Still.

Update on Floatplane Tragedy in Alaska

As reported last week, Taquan Air out of Ketchikan, Alaska has a nightmare on their hands following a tragedy with one of their planes, which went down last week in rugged terrain, killing four Princess Cruise passengers and the pilot.

A Taquan spokesperson told the Anchorage Daily News that the pilot, Joesph Campbell, had a lengthy aviation career coupled with six years spent flying over the rugged terrain of the Grand Canyon, making him an ideal candidate for a job at Taquan flying over the mountainous Misty Fjords.

However, a commenter named Michael has added this message to my previous post:

"Taquan Air should have done a better background check on this pilot. He worked for us and we fired him. He also worked for at least two other companies that asked him to resign. He was a problem employee and a marginal at best pilot."

I can't follow Michael to any website as his blog profile is marked "Unavailable," but if this is verified by investigators, it can't be good for Taquan Air.

When Tragedy Hits Your Company

When is the right time for a company to acknowledge a failure or tragedy on its website? Immediately? Not at all?

Two couples on an excursion from a Princess Cruise Lines Alaska journey were killed along with their pilot when a sight-seeing floatplane crashed in rugged terrain yesterday. Princess has already announced permanent cancellation of all excursions with the tour company, Taquan Air, out of Ketchikan, Alaska. A visit to Taquan's website shows a company proud of its pilots and its well-serviced fleet. No mention of the tragedy, not even on their "Press" page.

Planes crash. It's tragic, but it happens. And I'm sure there was some sort of waiver signed by the passengers that acknowledged the inherent dangers of flying that kind of plane in that kind of environment, absolving the company of obligation in the event of a crash. But is the company responsible in this Age of Information to say something like "We deeply regret....grieve for the losses..." anything like that? Would American or United do such a thing on their websites in similar circumstances? Not likely.

But I think in this case, the answer is yes. They've got to address it somehow. Not only did Taquan just kill four paying customers, they lost one of their pilots. And once the shock of that tragedy wears off, they will wake up to the reality that they also lost a huge revenue stream in cruise line passengers from Princess, who quickly took care of their own PR disaster by announcing the permanent shunning of what was, until yesterday, a trusted partner. And with the news out there on the front page of Google, you know Norwegian, Carnival, Royal Caribbean and all the rest will be looking over their lists of excursion partners and consider dumping Taquan.

How do you fix this? Is it fixable? Is Taquan screwed? Should they rebrand and get away from the now soiled Taquan name? You PR types feel free to weigh in.

Google's Silence

Sure, this country's messed up in countless ways. There are plenty of reasons when traveling abroad to pretend you're from Canada; like the preservation of your physical well-being and the opportunity to avoid political conversations and arguments you have no chance of winning. You might even be ashamed to be an American these days, even if your immigrant parents brought you here to give you a better life than you had in, I don't know, say the power seat of the old Soviet Empire. You may have gone to a top-rated school in California and later became fabulously wealthy beyond your wildest dreams after setting up business here - and yet you still may feel like you just aren't "home."

Today is not supposed to be a grim downer. It's called Memorial Day. That means you are simply mindful. Maybe you pause for half a minute to think about people who perished in order to allow you to enjoy what you have and what you can achieve. Sort of like we do on MLK Day. It doesn't mean you wear a black armband. It doesn't mean you eschew fun on your day off. It doesn't even mean you have to be patriotic. It just means "remember." Ten seconds when you see a flag. You might even alter your world-famous logo for 24 hours, like you have for MLK Day, St. George's Day, Independence Day, Earth Day, St. Patrick's Day and other not-so-notable days every year for the last 8 years.

I've received these comments (among many) on my previous post about Google's refusal to acknowledge Memorial Day:

• Just because you don't honor them doesnt mean you dishonor them.... its like the 'youre either for the war or against the troops' argument.
• Mabye Google thinks this is respecting the dead, not turning Memorial day into just another holiday with a cheap logo.
• Uh, no offence, but if Google went around honouring the war dead in every country they operate in, they would probably have a different logo everyday.

The fact is that Google (an American public corporation) claims they can't do a Memorial Day logo because, "We wouldn’t want to create a graphic that could be interpreted as disrespectful in any way," which is why I gave them the free idea at the top of this post. Respectful and simple. The logos they do on serious days, like MLK Day, are not "cheap," but reverent.

Thanks, Google, for showing your true colors. Your arguments were hollow and your inaction quite loud.

Fred Phelps Says "Go Google!"

Dear Google:

You know I like you. I was one of your earlier adopters back in the late 90s, abandoning Yahoo!, AltaVista and other not-as-nice search engines. Your clean interface is my homepage. I think this Blogger service you provide is really, really valuable, and I appreciate that it’s totally free. I use your Gmail, too. Thanks.

I keep hearing that you intend to take over the world someday and become the Antichrist, but until you attempt to compel me by force to receive the Mark of the Beast, I’ll keep using your services and appreciating them.

I note how you alter your logo on off-the-wall holidays such as Persian New Year, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s birthday, World Water Day, and of course, Halloween. You give a nod to traditionally Christian holidays such as Christmas and Easter, keeping them safely Pagan with elves and bunnies. That’s cool. Mustn’t offend the hundreds of sensitive groups out there.

Which brings me to Memorial Day. It was never intended to be just another three day weekend or the official start of summer. Now I know one of your founders, Sergey Brin, was born in Russia and maybe doesn’t have an appreciation for this American holiday, but I’m asking Sergey, Larry and the rest of the 12,000 or so Google employees to consider once again honoring America’s war dead with a Memorial Day logo.

Here’s how you’ve responded in the past to requests for a Memorial Day logo:

“We understand your interest in seeing a Memorial Day Google logo. If we were to commemorate this holiday, we’d want to express reverence; however, as Google’s special logos tend to be lighthearted in nature, this would be a particularly challenging design. We wouldn’t want to create a graphic that could be interpreted as disrespectful in any way.”

Excuse me, Google, my friend, but I respectfully call “Bullshit.” Here are a few of the respectful, not-so-lighthearted logos your designers have come up with in recent years for various special days.































I’m no designer, but maybe a simple flag, perhaps a cartoon eagle bugler blowing "Taps." Something. Anything. Here you go; try this quick, one-off, reverent attempt:









That sort of PR crap coming out of your headquarters is not helping you one bit. It’s transparent, disingenuous, and it makes you look petty.

Do you fear being seen as partial to one particular political party? Will honoring war dead somehow implicate you as supportive of Bush’s Iraq war? Here’s news, Googleites: soldiers, sailors, airmen, marines, and coastguardsmen come in every color, they are of every political stripe, of every faith, age and temperament. The ones we honor on Memorial Day have one thing in common: they died in service to their country. Whether the war they died in was one we consider worthwhile or justified is not the point.

Throughout the summer after 7th grade, every day I would hoist my bicycle over the low stone wall of the beautiful public park that is Arlington National Cemetery, on my way to spend the day at the swimming pool on Fort Myer, Virginia. It was the shortest route from our house in Arlington, and the shade tree lined winding roads within the cemetery were much nicer than the traffic snarled streets on those sticky Virginia summer mornings and evenings. It was a quietly haunted but peaceful place, with names of people from long ago whizzing by in a quick recap of America's many wars. Sometimes I’d ride slow and look at the names, calculate their ages at death, note the crosses, stars of David, or the crescent moons.

It’s hardly shameful, Google, to acknowledge the sacrifices of all those people in Arlington National Cemetery and hundreds of other cemeteries nationwide and across the seas. You do your good name and esteemed brand a great disservice by refusing to pay them the respect of a simple one-day logo alteration. I hope you break with tradition this Monday.

Thanks to Freelance Fred for the heads-up.

Brand Reputation Management

Astronaughties

Yikes! PR nightmare for NASA. You don't expect this sort of stuff from the best and brightest, but I guess NASA is no different than Wal-Mart.

The NASA logo has remained unchanged since it was first designed by an employee in 1959. Maybe today is a good day to change it.

"In my day, we didn't have "mission specialists." We just got into dangerous experimental aircraft and flew until we died. These astronauts today, they have it too easy. Coed space flights, nice meals, big pay. And if some crazy spacechick came huntin' down the other astrobabe I was bangin', drivin' half-way across the country in diapers to tie her up, man...I gotta think about that one. Weird."