Louisiana Trailer Trash Train Wreck Tops News

This is what matters. This is what we care about. This gets top billing this afternoon on Google News.

What we need in this country is a bone-jarring, teeth-rattling facepunch.

What? That's a UK paper's photo? OK. Then they need one too.

The News Is Entertainment or Vice Versa

So there was French President Nicolas Sarkozy speaking before a joint session of Congress on CSPAN, waxing eloquently on French-American relations and his steadfast support of our over 200 year, sometimes-rickety friendship. As Nicky left the podium and walked the aisle, shaking hands and receiving congratulations, I thought I'd see what the other news outlets had to say about it.















Over on Fox News, Master of Weaselness Bill O'Reilly was getting all giddy talking about tomorrow's interview with Vince Vaughn. Vince Fucking Vaughn. Over at MSNBC, King of Weasels Keith Olbermann was pretending not to care as he salivated over the latest Britney Spears gossip. Britney Fucking Spears.

CSPAN: No commercials.
O'Reilly, Olbermann: Big pharma, auto industry, insurance, etc.

Is it any wonder this country is screwed?

Wake the fuck up, America. And I don't think I've ever said "fuck" on my blog before. But we are so fucked.

Britney Spears is Not a Pop Tart

She's a strumpet, which rhymes with crumpet, which is sort of like a tart. And she's toast.

Anyway, I wonder how Fox News gets away with calling their regular feature on the latest bimbo news "PopTarts." Does Kellogg's have a trademark only on the logo and not the name?

It doesn't matter. Here, crave some, 1967 style.

Louisiana Trailer Trash

And other comments on our disgusting declining pop culture.

• In case there are still a few of my countrymen and women wondering why our nation's standing in the eyes of the rest of the world has dropped so significantly in recent years, I can show you. It wasn't just George Bush and the Iraq fiasco. This chick is just as guilty, if not more so.
• As for Kanye and 50, have you ever seen a more manufactured "fight" or a more transparent attempt to revive the dying recording industry? If Mr. Jackson shoots Mr. West, then I'll believe this is real.
• Kid Rock bitch-slapped Tommy Lee. Good. Now maybe we can put the both of them in a battle to the death live on Pay-per-View.
• And finally, it's official: this country is going to Hell. Kathy Griffin received an Emmy. That in itself would be reason enough for the Almighty to punish us.

None of the news outlets want to report EXACTLY what this sack of unfunny had to say upon receiving her award. Here's how mainstream media reports it:

In her speech, Griffin said that "a lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus."

She went on to hold up her Emmy, make an off-color remark about Christ and proclaim, "This award is my god now!"

The off-color remark no-one wants to mention was "Suck it, Jesus."

Next time, Kathy, say something about Mohammed and I will laugh when they issue a fatwa on your head.

Easy target, that Jesus.

Amish Rehab

"I spent a ton of money on that clinic that just let me go," said Eddie Van Halen, "But then the cravings started up again and I needed to get away. Yeah, I got new teeth and a haircut, but I thought they were gonna fix me, ya know?"

That's where Amish Rehab came in. A simple program, Amish Rehab strips its patients to the bare minimum for one month, where they are expected to perform daily chores on an Amish farm and live among the Amish.

"It's hard-core," said Van Halen, "But they're pretty cool. I had an encounter with this one dude named Johann - seems they're all named Johann or Hans - and he was all up in my face, waggin' his finger and tellin' me to pull my weight. Last person to do that to me was David Lee Roth, and where is he now?"

"Mr. Van Halen has had some trouble adapting," offered Johann Schilling, in whose home the rock star is staying, "He had difficulty understanding that we don't mingle with the womenfolk until mealtimes and that men around here don't take kindly to outsiders casting longing looks at our ladies, even those who have not been betrothed. He slept very much his first week here, but then he started to pitch in more. The resentment of him has subsided among the menfolk, and we are hopeful that he is making progress."

"Dude, no electricity! That's f***ing WILD, isn't it?" asked Van Halen, his eyes simultaneously wild and tired, "And these dudes BUST ASS all day long. I thought touring was a bitch. I'm gettin' in shape. And this is so much more affordable than those Hollywood or Caribbean clinics. Come sundown I'm WASTED, and I mean wasted like in really f***ing tried, man. Who has time to party when you're working your ass off all day long and when you get home there's no AC? The biggest luxury here is lemonade, and that's only like three times a week."

"We accepted Mr. Van Halen into our community in order to help him. We hope that his experiences here will prove lasting and help him to overcome his worldy cravings. We have extended similar offers to a Mrs. Federline of California and a Mr. Richards of England," said Schilling.