Yeah, I Got a Question for You, Mick

Those lines weren't that difficult, yet you still required cue cards? How shot is your memory? Also, here's one for Keith: Did we have to see you on the toilet? That was gross. Maybe you saw it as "rebellious." You're so cool.

It's YouTube's new "Living Legends" series, where you, the clueless video uploader, get to "have an open dialog" with "luminaries from across the globe."

Hey, Mick and Keith: You're a couple of old clowns and no one wants to see you trying to play all young and edgy with the YouTube crowd. Poor execution. Half-hearted, weak and smelling of "don't give a shit." But I guess that's your coolness coming through again. You were so much better when you were really struggling, writing jingles for Rice Krispies.

Mick and Keith, you silly little whores. You Tube, you shameless pimp.

Open Mic Night: Headed South Edition

Florida is the destination of choice for many a homeless man, and that’s the subject of this edition of Open Mic Night. A few months after kissing off the Ad Club, (see yesterday’s post) I had another bout with integrity.

My boss, who struggled in vain to land new accounts and relied on old friends who remembered him as a 2nd string quarterback at the local shitty college to bring him business, was pushing me to pad my time sheets. Of course he wasn’t so dumb that he’d come out and say it that way, but the implication was clear. He hated to see any time billed to the company, but the fact of the matter was there simply wasn’t enough business to account for all of my time. I was learning how to take a ridiculously long time to do very easy assignments and then bill that time to clients. I was learning that going through magazines or playing in Photoshop was called "creative concepting" and that we had a billing code for that. I learned that if I just needed to get the hell out of the office to take a drive, I could bill that to someone as a video-shoot location scouting expedition. Finally, after yet another battle with him in his office over hours billed to the company, I said, “Thanks for the education,” and walked out.

In hindsight, that was kind of stupid. At the time, I was sure that a stand for what was right would all turn out fine in the end. It did, eventually, but not before the things in this song happened.

Taking you back to when rock was raunchy and rooted in the blues, many people hear Keith in this song, which is fine with me. It obviously needs the intro and bridge fills of someone like Luther Dickinson , Joe Perry, or even His Royal Badness, but I’m strictly rhythm; I can’t make it cry or sing. This is a demo version only, so don’t give me too much crap.

It’s called “Babylonian Blues.” It’s up in the top of the sidebar. Lyrics are here.

Archived Open Mic music is stored over here.

Amish Rehab

"I spent a ton of money on that clinic that just let me go," said Eddie Van Halen, "But then the cravings started up again and I needed to get away. Yeah, I got new teeth and a haircut, but I thought they were gonna fix me, ya know?"

That's where Amish Rehab came in. A simple program, Amish Rehab strips its patients to the bare minimum for one month, where they are expected to perform daily chores on an Amish farm and live among the Amish.

"It's hard-core," said Van Halen, "But they're pretty cool. I had an encounter with this one dude named Johann - seems they're all named Johann or Hans - and he was all up in my face, waggin' his finger and tellin' me to pull my weight. Last person to do that to me was David Lee Roth, and where is he now?"

"Mr. Van Halen has had some trouble adapting," offered Johann Schilling, in whose home the rock star is staying, "He had difficulty understanding that we don't mingle with the womenfolk until mealtimes and that men around here don't take kindly to outsiders casting longing looks at our ladies, even those who have not been betrothed. He slept very much his first week here, but then he started to pitch in more. The resentment of him has subsided among the menfolk, and we are hopeful that he is making progress."

"Dude, no electricity! That's f***ing WILD, isn't it?" asked Van Halen, his eyes simultaneously wild and tired, "And these dudes BUST ASS all day long. I thought touring was a bitch. I'm gettin' in shape. And this is so much more affordable than those Hollywood or Caribbean clinics. Come sundown I'm WASTED, and I mean wasted like in really f***ing tried, man. Who has time to party when you're working your ass off all day long and when you get home there's no AC? The biggest luxury here is lemonade, and that's only like three times a week."

"We accepted Mr. Van Halen into our community in order to help him. We hope that his experiences here will prove lasting and help him to overcome his worldy cravings. We have extended similar offers to a Mrs. Federline of California and a Mr. Richards of England," said Schilling.