Unemployment Will Make a Man Do Weird Things - Part 2

Regular readers of this blog know that I'm a huge fan of Google Street Views. So I decided to tour the country and see every state capitol building. It was fun. Here is a record of my trip, with an original track by the insanely talented Fred Leo of Atlanta, on which I provided the whistle. I hope this little half-minute lark goes a long way toward healing the deep divisions that threaten to tear our country asunder, but I'm a realist, and some of these state capitols are hideous monstrosities of architectural incompetence, built by stupid people in stupid states where all the opinions are stupid. So there.



More Google Street Views nonsense.

Baseball is Boring - But You Won't Be Bored

When your advertising nearly apologizes for your reputation and tries to draw attention to other aspects of your product, I think you're off on the wrong foot. Like that movie, the name of which escapes me, where the agency designs a campaign for Volvo that says, "Boxy - but good."

Cooperstown, NY. The name instantly makes you think of the Baseball Hall of Fame. Cooperstown wants you to think of other things now and is trying to alter its image a bit with their website This is Cooperstown, on which they show lovely women and children enjoying things like The Farmer's Museum, the Opera, Food Tours and more.

The point is, ladies, that if your fat, baseball-obsessed husband insists on visiting that ridiculous shrine to America's pastime, you can have fun too, all by yourself, alone, lonely and sad, reminiscing of a time when he wasn't a jerk, and he'd accompany you on trips to the farmers' market and pretended to be interested in things like 19th Century landscapes. So while he's off drooling over pictures of dead ballplayers and old baseballs under glass, you can come and visit our empty art galleries with nicely polished floors, looking so sunny in your summer dress. Yes, we have art galleries, believe it or not.

You Go, (to South Carolina) Girl!

The rage in travel advertising is the "girlfriends getaway." And it's always done the same way. Chicks love, what class? That's right! SHOPPING!

Clichéd, hackneyed and desperate, South Carolina's attempt to get the girls to go wild include these tired images and this sad copy:

Welcome to the shoe-lovers guide to Girlfriend Getaways in South Carolina!

Spending time with your girlfriends, sister or Mom is a great way to share experiences and create memories. But how can they really appreciate a description of a beautiful sunrise at the beach or laugh about getting lost on the back roads of South Carolina only to discover a fabulous winery unless they were there?

So grab your best friend, pack a bag, and book a trip to South Carolina! And don't forget to take home those trophée-chaussures.

Shoe-lovers guide? Of course! All women are obsessed with footwear! And wineries. Chicks also love to pepper their language with what little French they know, showing how sophisticated they are, right ladies?

Texas is to Levi's as Alberta is to Wal-Mart Jeans

Two ads for two very different locations in the same publication using the same "leather jeans tag" styled logo. It is supposed to give you the impression that Texas/Alberta are rugged, casual, playful, tough, exciting, outdoorsy and leathery. Not sure, but I think Texas used this idea first, proving once again that Canadians are just jealous camp followers*.

Which reminds me, time to revive the "Statements on States" tourism reviews.

Part I
Part II

* I am joking, Canadians. I love you. I can prove it.

Statements on States - Part II

Continuing in my quest to insult every state in the Union's tourism board, Where's My Jetpack? will now look at six more state tourism logos and slogans and offer an unqualified assessment of their efforts.

For this edition, I've chosen six states that you wouldn't necessarily think of as destination locations, yet they still employ people who are forced to extol the beauties and attractions of what are essentially boring places. It's tough to brand something that really can't be branded, and so before I set off mocking you, I want to make clear that I understand what you're up against.

Indiana: restart your engines
Are those skidmarks? I get it, "We're the home of the Indy 500, so we'll play on the whole car thing - and restart your engines will mean like, relax and rejuvenate...or something." But wait, aren't you also the home of John Cougar Mellencamp? That's why I can't go to your state.

North Dakota: LEGENDARY
A rugged Western font and a mysterious one-word slogan aren't enough to hide the fact that you are still North Dakota. Legendary flatness? Legendary blizzards? Legendary boredom? You are like the Saskatchewan of America. Good luck.

Kansas: as big as you think
Ah, the old shooting star and ribbony thing. You'll think Kansas is big as you drive across its flattened landscape, each mile feeling like ten miles. Outside the eastern edge of the state, it's pretty much bleak prairie, where you might find yourself thinking about farming, appreciating what farmers do, and thanking God you aren't a farmer.

Iowa: life| changing
Seeing a trend here with the lower case slogans? Iowa adds a pipe to make themselves all webby. It's one of those cutesy double meaning slogans that says "Iowa will change your life" and "Life is changing in Iowa - it won't always be this bad." Nice effort considering what they're trying to sell.

Nebraska: possibilities...endless
In other words, "nowhere to go but up", or "when life gives you nebraska, make nebraska-ade." No thought went into this design, which I'm guessing is a stalk of wheat falling over to cross the A's. Slogan...weak. Idea...half-baked. But I'm not being fair in singling out these easily mocked breadbasket state tourism efforts.

Delaware: It's good being first.
This is pretty much Delaware's only claim to fame. "We were first." Delaware has no national parks, national seashores, national historic sites, national battlefields, national memorials, or national monuments. But they were first, and they made a blue button out of that fact and trademarked the slogan. Might be better to just bill themselves as "real close to many of the east coast's better attractions," or "not as small as Rhode Island."

I will be happy to have all of my biased misconceptions and arrogant assumptions corrected by any of these states that would be willing to fly me (first class) to their state, put me up in nice accommodations and show me around. I'll need some spending cash and a rental car, too.

Statements on States - Part I

Statements on States

The banner at top, featuring the late MAJ Mike Adams, American hero and NASA test pilot, is a fun game for me. This week, Mike is outside Sperryville, VA, a tranquil little hamlet just far enough from Washington to feel like the country, but still northern enough to probably be considered NoVa by the rest of Virginia. (Thanks, Rick D.) Sperryville is also the home of Oasis CD, the independent artist's best friend. (That off the cuff mention means giant discounts for me, right Oasis?)

Anyway, blog traffic from the Commonwealth has been up these days and that got me to wondering if Virginia still uses the old "Virginia is for Lovers" tourism slogan. So I checked out their website and sure enough, that old slogan is still around, and it still works. Simple, mysterious, playful. They haven't changed the heart or the font in years.



And so, being the student and unqualified critic of advertising that I am, I trolled some other state tourism sites to see what other parts of the country are doing.

Ohio: So Much to Discover. OK. If you say so, but it sounds like the last ditch effort that wasn't going to offend anyone. Generic and boring. Could apply to any state. Why not, "Ohio: Not As Bad as You Thought." And what's with the star dotting the "i"? I liked Ohio the few times I've driven through it, especially that valley around Wheeling on the Ohio river.


Texas: It's Like a Whole Other Country. Cute. Reminds me of the joke, "If I owned Texas and Hell, I'd rent Texas and live in Hell." But seriously, this one isn't bad and the leather jeans tag is a nice touch. (Texans are fiercely proud of their state and they will kill you if you don't like it.)

Wyoming: Forever West. If I'm not mistaken, that's the same cowboy imagery from the Wyoming license plate. Nice branding. And the committee gave this direction to the slogan writers: Find a nice way to say "empty, wide open and populated by scary loners."


I Love NY. More a local boast than a tourism call, New York knows it is a destination. The tourism board's challenge is to get people into the rest of the state, not just the city. Never liked this one, but at this point it's a fixture.

California: Find Yourself Here. This one works OK. Simple design, double-meaning slogan. Still, I'd have gone with, "LA is a Hell Hole. See the rest of the State."