My Bananas Are Laughing at Me

Fruitvertising is now speaking the text, directing me to this site, "comically" (and perhaps bawdily) named "Eat a Chiquita," where, judging by the random things strewn on the school desk, latchkey stoner children can "interact with the brand" while learning about their bananas.


Cute. I suppose.

Previously in Text Speak:
Bossman Speaking The Text Again

You Go, (to South Carolina) Girl!

The rage in travel advertising is the "girlfriends getaway." And it's always done the same way. Chicks love, what class? That's right! SHOPPING!

Clichéd, hackneyed and desperate, South Carolina's attempt to get the girls to go wild include these tired images and this sad copy:

Welcome to the shoe-lovers guide to Girlfriend Getaways in South Carolina!

Spending time with your girlfriends, sister or Mom is a great way to share experiences and create memories. But how can they really appreciate a description of a beautiful sunrise at the beach or laugh about getting lost on the back roads of South Carolina only to discover a fabulous winery unless they were there?

So grab your best friend, pack a bag, and book a trip to South Carolina! And don't forget to take home those trophée-chaussures.

Shoe-lovers guide? Of course! All women are obsessed with footwear! And wineries. Chicks also love to pepper their language with what little French they know, showing how sophisticated they are, right ladies?

His Parents Must Be Proud

MOM: What’s the matter, Ken?
DAD: I dunno. I’m worried about Dan.
MOM: Our son is just fine, hon. What are you worried about?
DAD: Well, when Dan said he was going into modeling, I wasn’t really thrilled, but I tried to be encouraging.
MOM: He struggled in those early years, but he stuck with it. And you were very encouraging.
DAD: Those underwear ads weren’t much fun to explain to the guys at the club. I’d hoped he’d maybe get a Bass Pro Shops catalog gig or something, I don’t know…manly. Hold a fishing rod, wear a hunting vest, drive a boat or something.
MOM: He was in that ad for Budweiser.
DAD: The gay one, yeah. Where he’s sizing up some other guy at a bar.
MOM: Well, I think his new job is just great. I’m very proud of our Danny.
DAD: Danny is a fucking energy saving light bulb, Cathy!
MOM: And a very handsome energy saving light bulb! You be nice when he comes over tonight.

All Aboard for a Stupid Idea

Guess what today is? It's the first ever National Train Day! How will you celebrate? Amtrak went to the trouble to create a micosite for us. I do like the Amtrak art. Bold and retro. Makes train travel seem exciting. I do hate the tag. Get your choo-choo on? Makes train travel seem gay.

They even have a poll you can participate in! Edgy. So 2.0. Hey, "Wheel of Fortune" got involved! That gives it an instant hip factor. Apparently Pat and Vanna talked about National Train Day on May 5th! Damnit! I missed it.

Fix the system, Amtrak! Quit with the gimmicks.

Previously in Amtrak Hatred
Amtrak SUCKS
Amtrak Keeps Sucking
I'm Almost Proud of Amtrak.

And read the comment a reader left about how Amtrak left her six year old daughter on the platform.

In the next administration, I want to be Transportation Secretary. My first act will be to fire the entire executive staff of Amtrak and import a bunch of German and Japanese train gurus. Then, to raise money to pay for the fixes they recommend, we will have a nationwide car-wash.

Pretty Much Genius

How cool to have been in on the pitch that went, We're gonna create these off-the-wall banners ads for fictitious small businesses that have NOTHING to do with the car and we'll place them everywhere the likely Matrix buyer would visit. They’ll just be weird funny, like "Mr. Squirrel’s Pet Daycare" or "Sakura’s Animal Lingerie" or this one, which plays sportingly on the Soccer Hooligan stereotype of our Anglo cousins. They’ll be so bizarre that people will click on them and then they'll learn all about the Toyota Matrix when they’re directed to the equally off-the-wall yourotheryou website.”

Cooler still would be hearing the client say, "Go for it. Sounds like fun."

Unfortunately, it takes a dedicated detective with plenty of time on their hands to get to the meat of that website. Then again, when you name a car after a cult movie franchise, your demo might be really into finding clues and uncovering secrets.

Expect imitators of crazy wtf banners soon.