When Pigs Fly

(Click image for massive version)

Siemens, the German conglomerate with their hands in everything from healthcare to telecommunications, strongly suggests in this copy how very American they are. They want to build high-speed rail here in the US. Yeah, that'll happen. Of course if it ever did, who else but the Germans to trust with trains? They've got it down.

(And I proudly still own the top spot on Google when you search Amtrak sucks.)

People Get Ready, There's a Train A-Comin'

It appears the President will be down in Florida tomorrow to announce a bunch of federal dollars coming our way for a high-speed rail connecting Orlando and Tampa.

That's cool. I've always wanted America to get a decent rail system. (An old post that continues to ring true for too many on this blog is "Amtrack Sucks.")

But I wish we lived in the 1930s, when if a President announced a monster huge job like this, it'd get done in a year. As it is, projects like these have gone the way of jobs in just about every other industry in this country, including advertising. Studies. Meetings. Holdups. Overruns. Redos. More meetings. Another meeting. Focus groups. Surveys. A poll. More studies. Put it on hold for a while. Reconvene. Look at it. Have more meetings. Talk in circles. Too many people trying to justify why they are involved in the project and fighting with one another over who has control.

I'll believe it when I see it.

All Aboard for a Stupid Idea

Guess what today is? It's the first ever National Train Day! How will you celebrate? Amtrak went to the trouble to create a micosite for us. I do like the Amtrak art. Bold and retro. Makes train travel seem exciting. I do hate the tag. Get your choo-choo on? Makes train travel seem gay.

They even have a poll you can participate in! Edgy. So 2.0. Hey, "Wheel of Fortune" got involved! That gives it an instant hip factor. Apparently Pat and Vanna talked about National Train Day on May 5th! Damnit! I missed it.

Fix the system, Amtrak! Quit with the gimmicks.

Previously in Amtrak Hatred
Amtrak SUCKS
Amtrak Keeps Sucking
I'm Almost Proud of Amtrak.

And read the comment a reader left about how Amtrak left her six year old daughter on the platform.

In the next administration, I want to be Transportation Secretary. My first act will be to fire the entire executive staff of Amtrak and import a bunch of German and Japanese train gurus. Then, to raise money to pay for the fixes they recommend, we will have a nationwide car-wash.

Amtrak, I'm Almost Proud of You

Design: Nice. Clean. It looks like the mid-20th Century advertising from the glory days of passenger rail service. Also gets points for eliminating "www" from the URL and not featuring a phone number.
Placement: Perfect. The last outdoor board right at the entrance to Orlando International Airport, reminding air travelers that there is an alternative to the frustration of flying.
Message: Clever, but flawed. You're telling people entering the airport, "You're about to be pissed off, standing in that dreadful line, taking your shoes off and emptying your pockets for TSA employees who hate being there as much as you do. You could be cruising on this majestic train along a palm dotted coast."

Had they stopped at "Far from the Maddening Crowds" it would be better, but someone had to add "of the security line," which leaves me wondering what kind of security Amtrak has. Further, that is not the only maddening crowd one encounters when flying. You've got the line to get your boarding pass and check your luggage. Then the security line, then the crowd getting on the tram. Then the crowd at the gate. Then the line getting on the plane. Then that really maddening time when as soon as the plane arrives at the destination gate, everyone unbuckles their seatbelt and jumps into the aisle to stand there for fifteen minutes, eager to be off the maddeningly crowded plane.

Further flawing this message is the use of the word "maddening," which really isn't a word Amtrak should be employing in its advertising. It reminds anyone with experience aboard Amtrak how maddening it can be to be way out in Middle of Nowhere, USA, stranded on a track for hours as you wait for freight trains, which Amtrak must yield to since they don't own the rails they use. It might also remind Amtrak passengers how maddening it can be to be waiting in a train station for hours as your train will invariably be delayed. It also might remind them that the cost of a train ticket is maddeningly more expensive than an airline ticket.

I'm not sure what Amtrak can ever do to overcome its many problems, (outlined humorously here in comic book form - with a more sober and maddening outline here) but they're on the right track (zing!) with this ad that plays on the illusion that train travel is fun, exciting and far more enjoyable than the alternative. I might've suggested something along the lines of "It's about the journey, not the destination," or "Getting there can be half the fun," or "No one has a fear of training."

All of my ranting about Amtrak stems from a love of train travel acquired in Germany. I'm actually trying to help. So here are some spec ads, Amtrak. They're a little bolder than you're used to, but you have nothing to lose at this point. I will work for you harder if you pay me. (Bring me up to DC on the Auto Train, which I've actually heard good things about. I'll even blog the journey positively. I'm talking to you, Emmett H. Fremaux.)

Previously in "Amtrak"
Amtrak SUCKS*
Amtrak Keeps Sucking
My Kingdom for A (Iron) Horse

*This blog ranks 5th on Google for the term "Amtrak Sucks."

Amtrak Keeps Sucking

Thankfully, no one was killed in the recent Amtrak wreck. After a thorough investigation, the authorities will conclude, as they always do, that the engineer smoked some pot within the last 30 days, certainly impairing his ability to operate a moving vehicle.

Amtrak can't catch a break. The brand that has been dying since its inception. (This photo reminds me of the last good Aerosmith album. This one might be captioned "Amtrak humps Hyundai.")

I love a good train. Unfortunately, America will never have a good train.

Previously in Amtrak sucks.

Amtrack Still SUCKS

Or: Let's Put a Rolls-Royce Hood Ornament on a Broken Down Old Pontiac Minivan.

AdPulp reports on Amtrak's new experimentation with luxury rail service. Amtrak partnered with GrandLuxe Rail Journey for the test venture.

Hey, Amtrak! Before you go off and become a paid spokescompany for some high-end luxury travel gurus out of Colorado, why don't you try getting the basics down first? The fluff can come after you've figured out how to run a passenger rail service.

It is common knowledge in this country that Amtrak sucks. Sucks really bad. Adding a butler to my mahogany lined car isn't going to change the fact that the train is still about 15 hours behind schedule. 5-course meals? Great. So, I'm stuffed, tired, hot, sweaty and late, but my butler insists we'll be "making good time straightaway, Sir."

Why don't you all take a little learning vacation to Germany or Japan, study with some of the great train operators of the world and learn how to properly manage a passenger rail service? Why don't you admit your problems and set about fixing them? You need more tracks. Your exisiting tracks are in disrepair. Your stations, your trains and your people reflect a company that stopped caring about 30 years ago. Your habitual tardiness is legendary.

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From the Washington Post story on the subject: "Since it was founded 36 years ago, the government-owned passenger railroad has yet to turn an annual profit, and it has piled up about $3.3 billion in debt."

That's called "Failure" in business. Awesome job, boys and girls. But when your parent corporation, the US government, is already known for legendary inefficiency and inherent corruption, you might be off on a bad foot in this start-up you call Amtrak.

So why don't we take this disaster of a business model and apply a fresh coat of paint and then ask people to pay $789 one way from DC to Miami? Brilliant.

I'd love to travel by train. Used it all the time in Germany, where it was affordable, clean (key word, there, Amtrak) and ALWAYS on time. (Deutsche Bahn, like Amtrak, is state-owned. Hmmmm.) I think train travel is fun and even preferable to flying. If it works.

I've said it before. Maybe it's just the size of this country that makes rail service so impossible, or maybe it's the fact that the automaker lobby (and the airlines) would shit a brick if Americans suddenly took to the rails. Many major US cities have some form of subway, trolley, train, monorail thing that works. We've just never been able to connect them successfully.