Monday, January 29, 2007

Jobs They Can't Fill

The parent organization of Where's My Jetpack has been unsuccessfully trying to fill 3 vacancies for about 3 years now. I'm thinking they may have to outsource this stuff to India.

I've seen this type of want ad before, where the employer obviously has one person in mind and for the sake of covering their butts, they have to post the opening.

If you know anyone who meets these requirements, please alert us here.

Sales Weasel/Sound Technician

If you are a smarmy and snake-like sales-hound but have the ability to hide that fact and can also run a soundboard for a major auditorium production, we may want to talk to you. You are the kind of person who makes promises you can’t keep, lies through your teeth, and fails to show up to appointments on time because you are so important. You are vain, obnoxious, mean-spirited, and petty, and yet somehow, people still like you. You will have a proven track record in sales as well as references from people you’ve talked into lying for you.

Your audio experience MUST be with a major touring act. (Touring Broadway show or platinum-selling musical act.)

Pilot/Lead Guitarist
The ideal candidate will come from a blues background, have a lot of soul with funk to boot, and be FAA instrument-rated. Must be able to jump into any song and play it as if you wrote it. If you are tired of flying commercially and long for a cushy job as a private pilot and have your own small jet that you will bring with you, you may be the person we are looking for. Audition tapes required. No frenetic fretwork technicians playing endless scales, please. Must have soul. Your playing must run the gamut from sweet to growling.

Intern/Sushi Chef
Must be proficient in Word, Dreamweaver, Photoshop, Quark, Fireworks, Cool Edit Pro, Flash, Excel, Final Cut Pro (or similar). The ideal candidate will possess a thorough knowledge of web development, print media and graphic design, as well as audio and video production. Must have database administration experience and knowledge of php, Apache, mysql, and Linux. A strong command of many foreign languages is desired (particularly those of sub-Saharan Africa.) Must be able to make sushi with leanings toward the California School expected. Sushi tools NOT provided! Sushi references required.

You will run the shop as we travel the world and if anything goes wrong while we’re gone, you will be in so much trouble.

Ben Franklin thought he qualified. The only sushi he could make was a Philadelphia roll.

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  • Christ. I think I was born for the sales weasel job. Is it full-time? Would I have to move to Miami? Does it pay as loftily as it aims?

    Oh shit - I have a job. Never mind.

    By Blogger James-H, at January 31, 2007 at 11:02 PM  

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