Render Unto Little Ceasars

(WASHINGTON, DC) With church attendance nationwide in a slump, some churches are looking to marketers to help increase the size of their coffers, if not their congregations.

“Gone are the days of ‘create a cool logo and call your church something hip,’” said Marla Washburn of Nothing is Sacred, a marketing consultancy in Washington, DC. “It used to be easy to rebrand a church and get a whole new flock, but the churchgoer is a shopper and a consumer, and they’ve seen that tack before. It’s time to work with what we've got. Lower attendance means lower offerings, so we had to find another angle.”

Nothing is Sacred has begun placing ads in church pews, offering a new revenue stream to struggling houses of worship.

“We went first with what we know. Church folks are always going out to eat after service, so why not try restaurants first?” said Washburn, "But I can see this expanding to all manner of products and services."

Pastor Charles Franklin of the 3^rd Baptist Church of Arlington, Virginia was initially against the idea, but when the money started rolling in, he became a believer.

“I had my doubts at first,” said Franklin, “But now I’ve got to say, Marla and her team are our saviors. This is a real godsend.”

The story you just read is fake. But it could happen.