Sunday, May 20, 2007

Grow Your California Bigger! Longer!

This map shows the proposed "new look" of North America.

(WASHINGTON) California is at maximum capacity. Mexico is breaking down the door to get in, illegally and otherwise. Some government officials from the two nations have a plan to end both of these problems: throw open the door that blocks expansion for one and opportunity for the other.

A senior State Department official, speaking on condition of anonymity, has confirmed that the United States has been in secret negotiations with officials of the Mexican government with regard to the possible purchase of Baja, California.

“It makes perfect sense on all sides. This is not just a win-win situation. This is a win-win-win-win-win situation. We haven’t come to terms yet on an actual purchase price, but both sides are very encouraged by early talks,” said the official.

Under the proposed agreement, the United States would acquire all of the peninsula of Baja, plus one half of the water rights to the Gulf of California, or Sea of Cortez, after both governments and the peoples of Mexico and California have approved the contract.

“We’re a little sensitive about being seen as some ‘hostile imperialistic invading force,’ as we’ve been characterized by other countries in recent skirmishes,” our source says, “so we need to be careful how this is presented. We’re pretty sure that with the right marketing, the right spin, with all the benefits for both sides clearly outlined to the people, we can sell this thing. We bought half of the continent from France with the Louisiana Purchase. This is the old-fashioned way to acquire territory.”

“This is a business deal, and it’s a great one. Everyone wins,” said the official.

The plan's “selling points” were described in a one-page fact sheet that carried neither government’s official endorsement.

  • Elimination of California’s southern border will reduce crime, illegal alien activity, and drug traffic. With California effectively removed from the problem of illegal immigration, those INS resources can be redirected to Arizona, New Mexico, and Texas.
  • The addition of Baja to California will mean a larger labor pool, more tourism dollars, economic, industrial and real estate development, as well as taxes for the state’s struggling economy, currently running on a $35 billion deficit.
  • From a design point of view, it makes sense to balance the peninsular state of Florida on the East end with a similar one in the West. (91% of designers polled agree. “Better flow and image distribution,” say industry veterans, “We can work with these boundaries much better.”) Additionally, designers point out that Mexico’s Baja peninsula “always looked out of place, like it didn’t even belong to Mexico. Their image on the globe will now appear cohesive and complete.”
  • Mexico will earn a substantial amount from the initial sale of the property and will also receive an annual percentage of California’s GDP for 25 years. Baja will benefit from better roads, schools, and utilities.
  • Mexicans living in the region gain instant US citizenship.
  • No need to change US flags to 51 stars, as Baja will be part of California.
  • Baja is already supported almost entirely by US tourism.
  • A key ally, Mexico will now enjoy a “wall of protection.” US naval bases that would be placed in the region will provide a natural “first defense” against possible invasions from the Pacific.
  • It’s already called Baja, California, and adjustment by natives to their new national identity will be easy.
  • The “Twin Cities” of San Diego and Tijuana will create a thriving new Central California.

The State Department is expecting opposition to the proposal from both sides.

“Mainly, your southern Californians, San Diegans in particular, are going to be upset that their city is now in Central California. Central California has always been in their minds the epitome of uncool. We’re working with a PR firm on that issue. The whole ‘SoCal’ surf scene will be switching to Cabo San Lucas, and therefore greater LA and San Diego/Tijuana will need to remake their images. We may see a massive flight of surfers and others to the tip of Baja,” said the State Department official, “Also, under this proposal, the state is now twice as long. This will require big adjustments for any team, business, or other concern that uses the state outline in their logo, like the Golden State Warriors for example.”

As for Mexican opposition, the official expects it to be of the usual “imperialistic” name-calling variety. “But money talks. When Mexico is sharing in California’s wealth and people are better off for it, we’ll see acceptance of this idea.”

Continued the official, “We need to be careful. This is not a takeover. It’s a purchase. And it’s subject to approval by the governments and their peoples. We’re really just floating a balloon right now. Expect the official line to be total denial of any knowledge until we’ve finished the details and developed the target-specific marketing campaigns with the ad guys.”

Do you suppose, in the interest of diffusing possible alarm, that we include here a disclaimer that talks about parody and satire? Naw. If you're gullible enough to believe this, you should keep on believing it. Hell, you should even write your elected representative and express your opposition or support of the idea.

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