Friday, April 25, 2008

There is No "U" in "Team"

Now going on eight months as a freelancer in the giant nameless corporation's creative department. Here in CubeWorldTM, we occasionally get to hear from the Ones Who Pull the Levers. One such occasion is at the end of a fiscal quarter. Big important email today, from which I have extracted and condensed for you the "key takeaways."

Dear Colleagues:

Strong presence. Thank you personally. Well ahead of expectations.

Express our mission.
Key essentials. Go the extra step. Continued success for all. Execute against our essentials.

Financial levers. Deliver significant value. Distinctive, compelling brands. Long-term unit growth*. Unmatched global pipeline. Unlock the value of our portfolio. Continue to seek opportunities. Aggressive focus on controlling costs.
Provide the foundation. Deliver market-leading returns. Continue to adjust our goals. Raise the low end of our guidance ranges.

Thank you, again. Future ahead continues to be bright. Look forward to continuing to work with you. Exceed our goals together.

All the best,

CEO man

*Heh. Heh-heh. He said "long-term unit growth."

So inspired was I by this communique, I had to create some motivational posters.

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  • 1) I'm downloading that first poster.

    2) Can he not write complete sentences?

    By Blogger Thinking In Vain, at April 25, 2008 at 9:31 AM  

  • But how's the future behind?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at April 25, 2008 at 10:27 AM  

  • This guy is a CEO? Man, it's like he took all those little embroidered pillows with motivational mantras and sewed them together. Clearly he's best at pulling his own lever.

    By Blogger Ad Broad, oldest working writer in advertising, at April 25, 2008 at 4:36 PM  

  • If your drinking scotch like I am you do expect long term unit growth...I wish their actual speeches were in this reader's digest format. I hate having to wade through miles of useless filler to get to the equally empty CEO-anese.
    I am not working faster-I am working synergetically!

    Good lord I had to type the name of a forgotten russian poet for word verification.

    By Blogger Iagos, at April 25, 2008 at 5:26 PM  

  • Thank you for these. I am not able to be more productive on behalf of people making one zillion times more money than me.

    By Blogger Moda di Magno, at April 28, 2008 at 10:34 AM  

  • Jetpack...
    The memo is classic and you have a future in the motivational poster arena. There's a web site somewhere that has fake motivational posters that look like the real thing 'til you read the. Fucking funny. My dentist has them all over his office. Shit with mountains and lakes and stuff. I'm always taking the piss out of him, but hes a Mormon, so he doesn't get it!!!

    By Blogger George Parker, at May 9, 2008 at 10:35 PM  

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