Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Why Your Presidents Get So Old So Fast

It’s going to be sad for many Americans to watch Barack Obama age right before our eyes over the next few years. But it happens to all Presidents. Here’s George Bush, the dashing young Republican star, when he took office in 2000, and as he appears today, a hearing-impaired, sad and withered man.

Many speculate that it is the pressure of the job that wears these men down. No, it’s not. How hard is to it have everything done for you and once in a while make a speech? Oh, sure, you occasionally have to make a “tough” decision. But that’s after you’ve been told what to decide by countless advisers. You’re simply the Decider in Chief. All the thinking is done for you.

What really wears these guys down are the secrets of the job. Few people know what a new President is privy to. I will tell you. I don’t want to shake your faith in America, but it’s better to be an informed citizen than an ignorant one.

Just as a new CEO of Disney is taken to the basement of Cinderella’s Castle to pay homage to the cryogenically frozen head of Walt Disney, a new President, immediately after being sworn-in, is whisked to the basement of the US Capitol to hear The Truth from the Secret Shadow Government. They let him in on the following facts:

  • All decisions are subject to the approval of The Masons, who have a tunnel that leads directly to the Oval Office from their National Headquarters.
  • Everything you've heard about Area 51 is true, but it is nothing compared to Area 52, where the Lizard Aliens control the weather and concoct the chemtrail mixtures.
  • JFK ordered his own assassination.
  • The Spice Girls were CIA counter-intelligence operatives. Well, all of them except Posh.
  • Air Force One, the Presidential plane, is remote-controlled from the moon, where a large Air Force base was built in the 60s during the Apollo missions. Space Shuttle missions are nothing more than food and medicine deliveries.
  • The Russians are our eternal friends and allies. We keep up the illusion of tension in order to keep other nations fearful and subjugated.
  • The NFL is rigged. Referees are actually robots, pre-programmed to throw games as dictated by the Vegas gambling bosses.
  • It's not just Elmer's Glue, but Cheetos, Doritos and most other snack foods are made from retired race horses.
There are so many more secrets, but it would take me days to write them all. And after they tell him these things, the Overlords place a permanent monitoring device in the new President's head that reads his thoughts. If he so much as thinks of spilling the American secrets he knows, even to his wife late at night in bed, the Overlords deliver an electric shock to his private parts.

Who wouldn't age quickly under those circumstances?

Good luck, Obama. We'll try to remember you as the innocent, young guy you are now.

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