Quitters Never Win

Cigarette manufacturers are quietly rejoicing that potential Presidential contender Barack Obama has a smoking habit. Obama's habit has been reported in the New York Times, Time Magazine and other sources, although the Senator's cigarette preference has not been disclosed. He is said to be "attempting to quit."

"HA! Good luck on that one," laughed a Philip Morris executive, speaking on condition of anonymity.

"As soon as a photographer can snap a picture of a pack of cigarettes anywhere near Mr. Obama, you can expect that image to be all over the Internet in about an hour," predicts Lou Cipher, social media strategist for Underworld Marketing LTD, an interactive media consultancy, "And we can expect sales of that brand to skyrocket within a week."

Longtime Democratic strategist James Carville has been urging Obama to keep smoking. "While smoking will hurt Obama in some areas, like your West Coast, white, upper-middle class, former smokers demo, his cigarette addiction will play very well in the South and the rural Midwest, where Democrats have historically had trouble in Presidential elections and where smoking is not so disdained," said Carville, "And if we can get him to quit closet smoking and go ahead and light one up at the podium, that'll be even better."