Dear John Deere

This very nice oceanfront property in St. Augustine Beach, Florida, is owned by the John Deere company of Moline, Illinois. It is one of at least three coastal properties owned by John Deere. The neighbors tell me it is used maybe three to four times per year. What a shame.

I have used and appreciate John Deere equipment, particularly these babies, which make mowing anything but a chore. More like an action-packed and dangerous motorsport.

I'd like to take this opportunity to offer John Deere my services as their fulltime caretaker and house-sitter. I will stay out of sight on the few occasions when corporate execs are down here to party in the sun on retreat. You can fire your maids and groundskeepers. Your property sits very close to the spot where my wife and I were married.

Short of letting me live in their house, I'd like John Deere to consider participating in this little not-for-profit venture of mine. The publicity would be very good, and I'll put your logo all over the trucks and trailers. You guys obviously have tons of money. Let me help you spend a few dollars. The press contacts are lined up and waiting to write stories on this thing if it ever really gets launched. PR opportunities abound. The website is up and we're just waiting for a corporate sponsor. Hope it isn't a competitor. Be good to see this thing sponsored by a US concern.

Email me anytime at Jetpacks@gmail.com