Amish Rehab

"I spent a ton of money on that clinic that just let me go," said Eddie Van Halen, "But then the cravings started up again and I needed to get away. Yeah, I got new teeth and a haircut, but I thought they were gonna fix me, ya know?"

That's where Amish Rehab came in. A simple program, Amish Rehab strips its patients to the bare minimum for one month, where they are expected to perform daily chores on an Amish farm and live among the Amish.

"It's hard-core," said Van Halen, "But they're pretty cool. I had an encounter with this one dude named Johann - seems they're all named Johann or Hans - and he was all up in my face, waggin' his finger and tellin' me to pull my weight. Last person to do that to me was David Lee Roth, and where is he now?"

"Mr. Van Halen has had some trouble adapting," offered Johann Schilling, in whose home the rock star is staying, "He had difficulty understanding that we don't mingle with the womenfolk until mealtimes and that men around here don't take kindly to outsiders casting longing looks at our ladies, even those who have not been betrothed. He slept very much his first week here, but then he started to pitch in more. The resentment of him has subsided among the menfolk, and we are hopeful that he is making progress."

"Dude, no electricity! That's f***ing WILD, isn't it?" asked Van Halen, his eyes simultaneously wild and tired, "And these dudes BUST ASS all day long. I thought touring was a bitch. I'm gettin' in shape. And this is so much more affordable than those Hollywood or Caribbean clinics. Come sundown I'm WASTED, and I mean wasted like in really f***ing tried, man. Who has time to party when you're working your ass off all day long and when you get home there's no AC? The biggest luxury here is lemonade, and that's only like three times a week."

"We accepted Mr. Van Halen into our community in order to help him. We hope that his experiences here will prove lasting and help him to overcome his worldy cravings. We have extended similar offers to a Mrs. Federline of California and a Mr. Richards of England," said Schilling.