Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Image is Everything

As it seems to be a given that Senator Clinton (despite her image problems and extreme dislikability to half the country) is the de facto Democratic candidate for President next year, let's look at the image problems of her Republican competitors, who just finished a debate in Detroit.

(Disclaimer: I have no dog in this hunt. As an independent, I do not vote in primaries. I'm just a shallow marketer and advertiser trying to look at this from a "regular American" perspective.)

Senator Sam Brownback

Sam needs a haircut most of the time, and he needs to stop playing his religion card so heavily. It can be somewhat alienating to many Americans when every answer is framed in family, God and abortion. You're not in Kansas, anymore, Sam.

Congressman Tom Tancredo

If you invented a drinking game whereby you had to take a shot every time Tom said "illegal immigration," everyone would be wasted in about 10 minutes. Also, hire a voice coach and work to get your timbre more resonant. You sound like a nervous squirrel.

Senator Fred Thompson

All hat, no cattle. A good actor, they tell me, but in the role of President, Fred ain't cutting it. Hangdog homespun works at the diner or the bar, but not on the international stage. Develop some character depth.

Senator John McCain

The good Senator, hero of Vietnam and straight-talker of old, is appearing senile and on the ropes. Asking the moderator to repeat the question as you crane your neck in anguish to better hear her is not exactly confidence instilling.

Mayor Rudy Giuliani

Rudy needs more than "9/11" as an answer to every question. His tough talk tempered by affable smile works well on the stump, but "the terrorists hate you and wanna kill your babies" needs to be ratcheted down just a notch. Also, watch your back on the many marriages thing.

Governor Mitt Romney

Mitt has the whole package that shallow Americans need in a candidate. He's got the hair, the voice, the teeth, and a smooth way with words. But America simply isn't ready for a Mormon President. We're shallow. And we think we know Mormons thanks to HBO's "Big Love."

Governor Mike Huckabee

I like Mike. He's easygoing, practical, sensible and seems to be a warm-hearted guy. The fact that he lost a ton of weight is a nice plus in his favor as well. Mike's unfortunate problem is his last name. Mike, my man, I wish there was something you could do, but "Huckabee" isn't charting well in urban areas or the North and West.

Congressman Duncan Hunter

Friend of the military and longtime San Diego representative has the unfortunate habit of always talking about bombing Iran. If I could cast a hawkish President on Fox's "24," I'd model him after Duncan Hunter. Which I think was what they were going for with Powers Booth last season.

Congressman Ron Paul

If this was 1915 and isolationism was still an option for America, Ron Paul would be the man. He's got nutty but fun ideas like "abolish the IRS" and speaks in that Ross Perot way of a man who is about to come unhinged. Also, a little makeup consulting wouldn't hurt the old fella.

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