The Tarts of New York

It is a common cry among New Yorkers, even those who haven't been there very long, "Our city has become an amusement park, a cultural wasteland, a squeaky clean tourist trap thanks to Giuliani, who got rid of our beloved hookers and gangs and addicts and cleaned our once unique streets that flowed deep with human urine. What does a guy have to do to get mugged in this town anymore? Where is the grit, the grime, the EDGE, the LIFE? The people dressed in plastic bags, directing traffic?"

Even if a guy like me is to avoid gaudy Times Square and opt for a pilgrimage to St. Mark's Place, I later read that even that is a "benign tourist stop." Guilty. I guess it's not the "real" New York, whatever that is anymore. Where is that fabled place where an Anthony Bourdain could get fake punk cred because he did cocaine with one of the Ramones?

To put the knife in the belly of the once glorious whore and finish her off, along comes Kellogg's, who will open Pop-Tarts World today in Times Square. Granted, Pop-Tarts are cool, but I don't think this is the kind of cool old-school New Yorkers long for.

I know, they gave up on Times Square years ago. It is the very symbol of what they lament. Glitz, kitsch and schmaltz with a bunch of putzes wandering about, looking at the sky and getting in the way of people who know how to walk in the city. New Yorkers long ago ceded Times Square to the merchants of overwrought specialty stores and the idiots from other places. "Disneyfication," they call it.  (People around here lay claim to that term and they're no different from longing-for-the-old-days New Yorkers. If you can find a "native" of Central Florida, they'll tell you how great this place was "Before the Mouse." They'll go on about the lost citrus groves and the blue skies free of planeloads of Midwestern tourists being ferried to The Kingdom. But I suspect they wouldn't want to turn the clock back too far, to the time before AC, when living in Florida was a severe adventure for only the rugged and daring, an uncomfortable place except a few months in winter. They dream of that short, Mad Men-era window between 1960 and 1970, post-AC and pre-Disney.) 

But beyond all that - let's look at this move on the part of Kellogg's. A store devoted entirely to Pop-Tarts? That is crazy. Crazy smart. I don't care who you are or where you come from, there is likely a 95% chance that you have a favorite type of Pop-Tart. I'm partial to strawberry. And I even prefer the ones without frosting. Heated in the toaster. With a monster glass of milk. But I've been known on a late night sleepwalk to tear into even the weirder ones like chocolate chip cookie dough or s'mores, the pantry be damned for not locking itself.

Pop-Tarts are so universally loved that this isn't even a gamble on the part of Kellogg's; it's a shrine to an icon, and the people will make pilgrimage. I'd be willing to bet you'll even find a few old-school New Yorkers wandering in the place, nostalgic for their childhood pastry as much as they are for the city they remember.

More Scary Endorsements

Pat Robertson ceased being influential with any real segment of America many, many years ago. His "endorsement" of Giuliani means nothing, other than it's a chance for Robertson to remind everyone that he still lives and breathes. Pat has been mixing politics and religion for years, and he's got some strange notion that Jesus was not only an American, but a Republican as well.

Sometimes, endorsements backfire, as this article in today's New York Times points out.

This got me to wondering who some would-be stars from a bygone era were endorsing. (These images "come from a heap of discarded studio photographs, found in a Venice alleyway." More are here.)

Moonfast:

"We are very jazzed by the Ron Paul candidacy. He's a real wild cat. He's got some groovy ideas and some ways that we, as brothers and sisters in this great country, can start being real with each other and feeling the love."

Hope Parcell:

"As a woman, I should be for Hillary, I suppose, but I really like Barack Obama. He's the dark horse, and I don't mean that in a "dark" way, ya know? And I also don't mean that in a horse, like "stud" way, ya know? But he has a nice smile and he seems friendly."






Tim Tukker:

"Duncan Fuckin Hunter, muthafuckahs! All the way with the Dunkinator. Duncan is a man's man and he won't blink in the face of danger. My money, my time, even my music are all about The Dunk. DUNCAN! WOOOOOOO!"

Image is Everything

As it seems to be a given that Senator Clinton (despite her image problems and extreme dislikability to half the country) is the de facto Democratic candidate for President next year, let's look at the image problems of her Republican competitors, who just finished a debate in Detroit.

(Disclaimer: I have no dog in this hunt. As an independent, I do not vote in primaries. I'm just a shallow marketer and advertiser trying to look at this from a "regular American" perspective.)

Senator Sam Brownback

Sam needs a haircut most of the time, and he needs to stop playing his religion card so heavily. It can be somewhat alienating to many Americans when every answer is framed in family, God and abortion. You're not in Kansas, anymore, Sam.






Congressman Tom Tancredo


If you invented a drinking game whereby you had to take a shot every time Tom said "illegal immigration," everyone would be wasted in about 10 minutes. Also, hire a voice coach and work to get your timbre more resonant. You sound like a nervous squirrel.





Senator Fred Thompson

All hat, no cattle. A good actor, they tell me, but in the role of President, Fred ain't cutting it. Hangdog homespun works at the diner or the bar, but not on the international stage. Develop some character depth.







Senator John McCain

The good Senator, hero of Vietnam and straight-talker of old, is appearing senile and on the ropes. Asking the moderator to repeat the question as you crane your neck in anguish to better hear her is not exactly confidence instilling.






Mayor Rudy Giuliani

Rudy needs more than "9/11" as an answer to every question. His tough talk tempered by affable smile works well on the stump, but "the terrorists hate you and wanna kill your babies" needs to be ratcheted down just a notch. Also, watch your back on the many marriages thing.






Governor Mitt Romney

Mitt has the whole package that shallow Americans need in a candidate. He's got the hair, the voice, the teeth, and a smooth way with words. But America simply isn't ready for a Mormon President. We're shallow. And we think we know Mormons thanks to HBO's "Big Love."






Governor Mike Huckabee

I like Mike. He's easygoing, practical, sensible and seems to be a warm-hearted guy. The fact that he lost a ton of weight is a nice plus in his favor as well. Mike's unfortunate problem is his last name. Mike, my man, I wish there was something you could do, but "Huckabee" isn't charting well in urban areas or the North and West.





Congressman Duncan Hunter

Friend of the military and longtime San Diego representative has the unfortunate habit of always talking about bombing Iran. If I could cast a hawkish President on Fox's "24," I'd model him after Duncan Hunter. Which I think was what they were going for with Powers Booth last season.





Congressman Ron Paul

If this was 1915 and isolationism was still an option for America, Ron Paul would be the man. He's got nutty but fun ideas like "abolish the IRS" and speaks in that Ross Perot way of a man who is about to come unhinged. Also, a little makeup consulting wouldn't hurt the old fella.

Giuliani's Speechwriters Brainstorm Another Crowd Pleaser