Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Notes from the Cell

As noted earlier, I've been sentenced to solitary confinement. A woman appeared in my cubicle yesterday. She was armed with forms. One of them was three pages in length, the other a mere two. She informed me the purpose of these forms was so that I could get an email account. I've been in this cell since September 17th and they are now getting around to allowing me access to the other prisoners via email. I'm sure the forms said stuff like "no porn, no gambling, no blogging, no looking at blogs, no MySpace, etc." I didn't read them. I just signed them like a good prisoner. I already know I can't access webmail, see blogs or post to my own. (I found a way to cheat their system: if you type you get blocked, if you add www at the front you can bypass the block. Still, no pictures and no commenting.) I was told my email account might be ready by "this time next week."

Sitting next to my coffee cup in this photo is my secret access badge that lets me in the building and in and out of doors within the cubicle farm. I am not working for a defense contractor or the government. The only reason a company has these is to keep disgruntled ex-employees from coming in the buildings and going postal.

You will note that the company "proudly brews Starbucks." I hate Starbucks.

I've noticed that the cubicles of many of the lifers are adorned with in-house awards and trophies for leadership and good behavior. I saw one man outside in the yard where we are allowed to walk for exercise, and he was wearing JEANS ON A TUESDAY! He also sported a button on his t-shirt that said "Ask me why I'm casual." I did not ask him. I'm sure he won some sort of ass-kissing contest or made his latest merit badge in less time than the company guidelines suggested it should take. For this he is permitted to dress casual for a time. But he must also wear a stupid company button advertising that he is dressing casual.

I'm writing. It's a job. I'll quit bitching now and put another mark on my cell wall, counting the days.

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  • Ugh. How much longer do you have? Want me to smuggle you anything? ;)

    My sister gets to dress casual on Fridays. She actually gets to dress casual all this week because one of her coworkers was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's Disease and you could donate a certain amount of money and wear jeans everyday. Of course, that's not WHY she donated but that was a perk.

    I hate badges. I had one when I worked at First Union. You had to swipe it to get passed some of those spinning things they have in Subways. I had perma-bruises on my thighs.

    You could add a ticker to your blog. Instead of having 2 weeks 5 days 13 hours 45 minutes to Harry Potter you could countdown to your release. Maybe not... that might get depressing.

    By Blogger Thinking In Vain, at October 3, 2007 at 8:39 AM  

  • I think you owe it it your devoted readers to dig into this as a citizen journalist. You must ask Jeansboy why he's casual. An audio recording of his answer might be nice,too. Also, don't you think photographing your id badge, tilted though it may be, is a violation of something or other? This kind of subversion cannot be tolerated, according to policy HR-33TA, Sec V Revised.

    By Anonymous ouija rebuild and repair, at October 3, 2007 at 10:22 AM  

  • Geez. How much longer in there? I always figured the freelance gig was lucrative enough for you to tell other companies to stuff it.

    By Blogger JT Taylor, at October 3, 2007 at 11:57 AM  

  • JP, the wearing of shoes and socks might be maximizing your productivity output.

    My undercover assignment is staging a promotion where you can pay $10 to "dress up" for a week. After further investigation, I discovered that "dressing up" is not formal wear, a costume, or dressing down. $10 allows you to wear your best dress khaki's and a collared shirt, any color.

    Also, I'm learning how to "swipe" after 20 + years off a clock.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    By Anonymous dirtsister, at October 3, 2007 at 3:07 PM  

  • i'm curious to see the work this joint produces.

    also, the guy was probably wearing jeans OVER his khaki dockers.

    By Blogger HighJive, at October 3, 2007 at 6:35 PM  

  • “Ask Me About My Cubicle!“

    Shades of this guy.

    By Blogger Make the logo bigger, at October 4, 2007 at 12:33 AM  

  • It's scary isn't it, how corporate America tends to treat its employees like so many naughty schoolchildren and how they willingly go along with it.

    Years ago I worked for a client whose corporate mandate was that they had to go through some sort of bizarre cheer before the meeting (I kid you not.)

    Something like "H- we're all here! E- Everyone is energized!..." you get the picture.

    I remember looking at the floor and thinking of festering rat carcasses because had I looked up and made eye contact with anyone else from the agency, we'd have burst out laughing.

    By Blogger Toad, at October 4, 2007 at 12:18 PM  

  • We'll send you a cake with a file in it.

    I so don't miss jobs with badges and net nannies. And if I even had to dress up enough to make it to the "work casual" range, I'd have to buy a new wardrobe.

    By Blogger czeltic girl, at October 4, 2007 at 3:52 PM  

  • Try crocs. It's a shoe and yet not. Corporate folks can't seem to figure them out. My feet smell though.
    Kinda like an old watch band.

    By Anonymous teamcraig, at October 4, 2007 at 5:21 PM  

  • Thankfully, you haven't complained about anyone in the office using the word 'synergy' yet. That's when it's time to bail. Maybe I can find you some dressy steel-toed workboots

    By Blogger Jim, at October 6, 2007 at 7:05 PM  

  • Don't get dooced!

    By Blogger Chris Houchens, at October 11, 2007 at 5:30 PM  

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