Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I Opened Some Spam

The subject line stood out from the others. In my Spam folder were the usual headlines, calling me inadequate in new and interesting ways. "Your device is so little she barely finds it in bed!" laughed one. "A genuine gentleman in bed is all the time ready," offered another, and I found myself nodding thoughtfully along with the crafter of that sentiment. "Enhancing your tool means enlarging your virility in general," said someone from Eastern Europe. "We will not let your masculinity retire so rapidly!" promised another, while someone else offered the approximate war cry, "We will not let your virility die so soon!"

And then, like a Beatles song written on acid, came this subject line: "Formerly garnished with toes so neat."

Genius. What else have you written? I must know.

I opened it to find this verse, in this form:

You are
-We sail away with a pea-green sail

-A sea-green Porpoise carried away


--Give him a pipe to smoke all night

-May we build a nest on your lovely Hat?

You are now breathless, as was I, sitting in awe at the feet of the Master Spammer. Note the usage of caps on the final word "Hat." Note the double-dash before the fourth line. The way the verse draws you in with the initial and beckoning "You are."

And these are just the very minor nuanced things that say so much. We could of course spend many years and write countless volumes on the poem itself. Cults could be started around this work. Wars fought, seas crossed, babies made... all in the name of the nameless and forever anonymous writer who said so much for a Canadian online pharmacy.

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