Thursday, February 11, 2010

Direct Mail Dogs

It's orange, so it looks like the utility company sent it. It's stark, like a utility company would do, but they would probably say "Water Alert" if this emergency-looking card was from them. They would also use their logo. And they would not send it by bulk mail. They'd hang it on your door. But when Grandma gets this, she goes, "Oh noooo! Did I forget to pay the water bill?" Grandma probably won't look that number up online and find the word "suspicious" in a lot of the search results. She'll probably call it, and hear a recorded message announce very firmly (and within the guidelines of the law established to protect consumers from ravenous wolves like ourselves) that if you received a card that says, "Water Update!" please be informed that we are not associated with any city, county or government water agency and that we are a water purification company.

And so you call it again, hoping to hear the name of the company that the hosebag bastard announcer ever-so-cleverly slurs at the beginning of the message. (Thank you for calling "Jaws of Orlando," it sounds like. Might've been "Pureov of Orlando.") Dick Jaws wants Granny to leave her name and address and he will rush a brochure out to her, which will be followed by, what next? Is it time for the rep to come out and do the demo, show Granny how she's gonna die from all the filth and scum that she ingests everyday through the tap? How her untreated water is eating her skin alive, like so much acid and wind and sand? Just for listening to the spiel, I'm sure there's a lovely gift incentive for her. But only if Granny is so off her rocker that she called them after receiving their brochure, which was probably full of scary headlines and ugly, germy pictures, appealing to her hypochondria. But I think by this time even ol' Gramma knows what's up with these rascals. She believes in honest dealin', and these fellas, well, they sorta tried to trick her.

That is a whole lot of hoops you're expecting really ignorant people to jump through there, asshole water purifier people. But as an old, foolish ad man once told me, "Unethical is not illegal."

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