Crazier Ideas Have Been Tried

Dear Mars, Inc. This is clearly a parody ad. If anyone thinks it actually came from you, they'd be really, really stupid. On the other hand, if some poor loser smoker decides this is the way to quit smoking, then all the better for you, right? I guess what I'm trying to say is lighten up, laugh, and don't send me a cease and desist.

Certain Side Effects May Include Screaming at People

Anyone who smokes, or who has ever smoked, knows quitting smoking is a state of mind. That's why smokers always say, "I can quit anytime I want." They just don't want to yet. Or they haven't psyched themselves up enough. Or they're planning on drinking tonight and cigarettes go great with alcohol. Or things are stressful and they know a smoke will calm their nerves. They were going to quit when cigarettes went over $5 a pack, but that day is long gone. They tried the gum, the patches, the slowly-weaning-themselves-off-method, but they didn't succeed. Even the nightmare-inducing, make you fart and barf drug from Pfizer didn't do the trick. And none of those edgy, million-dollar scare and shame tactics do a damn thing.

They hold to their excuses. They buy into the gimmicks. But they're just chicken-hearted, gutless pussies. I know because I smoke. And I'm psyching myself up for the day I lay them down with this mock ad. It will be my motto to myself.

FACT: Cold-turkey is the most effective stop-smoking method.

Fourteen Palms

Stop smoking ads are tough to do, because selling the notion of quitting smoking to smokers is a really tough sell. You'd almost have to be a smoker to create an effective anti-smoking ad. How do I know? I'm an evil smoker. And the evil tobacco companies have made me their compliant slave. What? Five packs for the price of three? I'm there! Thank you, evil tobacco company!

And like all smokers, "I'll quit someday!" But all the stop smoking campaigns and the cutting-edge "Truth" PSAs from CP+B don't affect me. They only piss me off with their sanctimonious preaching. You want to tell me all about rat poison and second-hand smoke? Screw you, stupid punk ad agency bitches! I blow smoke in your smug faces!

We know we are socially unacceptable (unless you're drinking with us and you want to bum a smoke) and our habit is nasty and smelly. We want to quit. Really, we do. But we love it. So do you...when you're drinking with us.

TobaccoFreeFlorida.com has been doing some effective stuff lately. I say "effective" only because as a smoker, it makes me seriously think about my habit and ponder ways to quit. And I know the only way to quit is just to lay them down and not pick them up again. You can give me guides and suggestions and websites and support groups, but it's up to me, and these ads are driving that point home. I liked this one, particularly.

Click for bigness

Fourteen Palms

From my forthcoming album, The Summer Land

I walked down to the store Sunday afternoon
Something telling me to quit smoking soon
I ignored that voice and picked up the pace
In the grip of the demon who won’t be replaced

A free pack of smokes from Parliament
Not my brand, but money well spent
Two for one special on the menthol kings
You know how it is, addicted to those things

The second pack was not for resale
Twenty free sticks for me to inhale
packaged so pretty in a cardboard sleeve
with a picture of the beach that made me believe

Been smoking these things for 14 years
They calm your nerves, they soothe your fears
This country was founded on tobacco trade
I’m doing my part. They’re American made

You smoke a lot when you have some spares
The first pack went fast, I had no cares
The free pack beckoned and I unwrapped the top
When they give ‘em away free, why stop?

But these were different, a twist on design
A palm tree on the filter…maybe a sign
Matching the theme of the beach on the box
I checked the calendar, I checked the clocks

Now there’s fourteen palms in my ashtray
I’m out of money and I’m going away
Down to the beach, to the palm trees
and when I want a smoke, I’ll inhale the breeze

Been smoking these things for 14 years
They calm your nerves, they soothe your fears
This country was founded on tobacco trade
I’m doing my part. They’re American made

Got a Light?

Become an Ex is a quit smoking endeavor put together by the American Legacy Foundation in conjunction with the Mayo Clinic. These are frames from their current banner ad campaign designed to make smoking parents feel bad. Idiot redneck smoking parents who blow smoke in their children's faces, apparently.

I think these kids are cool. And I know their friends think they're cool too. 'Cause they smoke. Next time I'm at 7-11 and some kids are in there, I'm going to say, "Hey, kids! Need me to buy you some smokes?"

Why doesn't someone do an anti-smoking campaign with a new twist? Smokers know smoking is bad for them. Smokers know that smoking is bad for their children. Smokers know that tobacco companies are evil. Most smokers want to quit. Try acknowledging that upfront with a statement like "You'll eventually quit. We're here when you're ready," or "We know you love it, even though you know it's killing you."

Those smug twits from TheTruth.com commercials and their über-hip "guerrilla" efforts only serve to make the vehement anti-smoking Nazis happier as they walk away going, "Yeah! We showed them!"

Guilt, fear and shame have never been very good motivators.

Unless you're Catholic.

Previously in Smoking:
Barack Obama: The New Marlboro Man
Retro TV: Wonderful, Wonderful Smoking Pleasure