A Love That Won't Die

Can't say I wasn't pleased that the writers of 24 are back to their old ways, killing off anyone who gets too close to Jack Bauer. Agent Renee Walker was one of those screen presences that just begs for a bullet. And now Jack will be one mean mofo for the remainder of the final season. This makes about the fourth or fifth love interest of the lead character who has met her end due to Jack's job. Match.com could try a cross-promotion.

"Yeah. No. Alright. You Alright?"

Saw a tweet this morning from @FishNChimps that read:

"No arguments. 24 season finale was shite."

Could not agree more, even though Monday nights are now a little boring without that show to mock.

And now, a little rhyme in honor of what keeps that show even semi-watchable anymore, the dastardly Tony Almeida.


Crackin' skulls and snappin' necks
Suffocatin' friends, survivin' car wrecks
In twenty-four hours, he don't tire
Got blown up and walked out the fire
Workin' undercover ten layers deep
A soulless soldier don't need no sleep

You wish you was Tony Almeida
Darker than the darkest Darth Vader
Little Jack Bauer can't touch his skills
Cold blooded killer lost track of his kills

Talks in a whisper out the side of his lip
When you think you got him, he give you the slip
Turn around and he's right behind you
A gun at your head, here to remind you

You'll never be Tony Almeida
A secret shadow and a dark crusader
Hit him with a flamethrower, he don't care
He don't burn, you won't singe his hair

The show's gettin' crazy, they all should die
Garafolo - all the punks at the FBI
Sick of Agent Walker and that stupid brat Kim
Tony take 'em down, it don't matter to him

FOX, make a show called "Tony Almeida"
'Bout a crazy patriot, or maybe a traitor
You never know, and that's his game
The cop and the crook are one in the same



And here's a little something I found on YouTube showcasing the astonishing acting ability and amazing range of Carlos Bernard, the guy who plays Tony Almeida.

People I Wouldn't Mind Seeing Die Tonight on 24

It's a two-hour SuperExtravaganza episode of Fox's 24 starting NOW. Since the Fox writers have given us so many reprehensible and unsavory characters this season, I think the following people are expendable:

• The weasel FBI punk who was in on it
• The redheaded FBI chick
• Madame President Alison Taylor
• The President's bratty daughter
• The President's extremely questionable, if not corrupt Chief of Staff
• Tony Almeida - AGAIN. This time in tiny pieces.
  
• Janeane Garofalo
• Colonel Iké Dubaku

That's only four key character deaths per hour. I think Jack Bauer could justify this request.

Review of the Keifer Sutherland Whisper-Fest

Fresh out of the drunk tank and ready to save Africa The World, Keifer Sutherland returned last night as "Jack Bauer" on Fox's 24 - Redemption, a two-hour teaser to the upcoming season. Seeing Jon Voight in the first couple of minutes was an instant downer. Seeing Madame President Allison Taylor, very obviously modeled on Hillary Clinton, right down to the five-syllable name, was even more depressing.

Jack is his usual self. Uttering cliches in his husky whisper (while squinting) and full of self-loathing for the things he has done, he is now some sort of farmhand missionary, working with an old Special Forces buddy (who you know will be dead by the end of this thing) at some school for lost boys in Sengala, a fake African country, lest the writers piss off any real African countries.

Bad men want the boys as soldiers. The US Government wants Jack under arrest. Can they all make it to the embassy in time for the last (shades of Vietnam) helicopter? Yes. Yes they can. But first, Jack must be tortured (it's in Sutherland's contract) and also kill a regiment of thugs by himself.

Cisco gets its usual product placement shot, this time as the secure visual communication tool of choice for none other than outgoing president Powers Boothe, who snarls and drinks in his very Powers Boothian way.

The show was also peppered with commercials for some charity that helps lost boys in Africa escape bad men who want them as soldiers, with Kefier himself doing stand-ups for the agency, leaving you with that "Kirk Cameron talks to kids about drugs" feeling after a special edition of Growing Pains.

It was a long wait and a big let-down. But Jack is now redeemed and he can go back to killing with wanton abandon. In January.

Geico Establishes a Perimeter

After a few very unflattering reviews of some pre-released scenes of the new sitcom based on the Geico Cavemen, Geico has asked the producers to scrap the show, exercising their legal rights via a “suck clause” inserted in the agreement at the last hour by Geico lawyers. ABC is reportedly “disappointed with the decision” made by Geico, supposedly arrived at after a conference with copywriters at The Martin Agency, creators of the Caveman characters.

But the future is not hopeless for Caveman fans hoping to see more of the offended Neanderthals. Rumors circulating suggest that Martin and Geico have teamed with Fox to allow the introduction of a Geico Caveman at CTU in next season’s 24. A person close to the production said, “CTU is filled with overly sensitive, catty people saying snarky things while trying to save the world. It’s the perfect environment for the Caveman.”

The “character placement” will be paid for by Geico, allowing episodes to run longer with fewer commercial interruptions. The character is not expected to directly shill for Geico in the hit series.

"C'mon! We have some integrity," said a Geico spokesperson.

Seriously, if you're really believing this, send me some cash and I'll make sure a rich Nigerian widow loads your bank account with untraceable drug money.

Finally - a Death to Celebrate

I hate to get into TV reviewing, but I'll justify this post by telling myself that 24 is more than a TV show, it's a cultural phenomenon.

BuddyTV offers this take on the current season of 24:

24 has become a cliche of itself. Jack Bauer killing friends, or family, has become an expectation anticipated with mockery. The parade of ludicrous deaths has become more of a low rent cabaret of cartoon violence. The character turns have become so telegraphed, they exemplify satire in the theater of the absurd.

But now there's good news. Milo is dead. The guy did nothing at work. He walked around asking people if they were OK. Or accusing them of being moles. Or telling them to do things they were already doing. Or telling them to hurry up. When he wasn't getting in everyone's way, the actor playing him was posing for the camera. Now some Chinese terrorists have seen through this guy's BS and have severely punished him for his shoddy work ethic and arrogance. BuddyTV says "Much to the shock of everyone, the mercenary shoots Milo in the head. Milo dies."

No shock to me. I've been anticipating this moment since they brought this character back. He was much better in Season 1, when he was a quirky granola-munching freelance analyst. You know how when people die, everyone finds something nice to say about them? That won't be happening at CTU. No one liked this guy. Better off dead.

Little Terrorist Talks Smack to Jack

What made Jack Bauer into the baddest field agent ever? Could it have been this? Witness in-the-field torture techniques that really work.



Count the product placements in tonight's 2-hour episode of 24.