You're Only as Green and Eco as Legal Will Let You Be

A few months ago, I was in the in the habit of getting the day's groceries on a bike. Now that the worst of summer is behind us, I might take it up again. On one of my trips, I came up with an idea: (Well, it wasn't an original idea, since people have been delivering groceries on bicycles since the early 1900s.) But why not have a chain store offer localized delivery? I thought, "Surely, the average carbon-footprint-obsessed corporation could get behind this and sell it to their equally concerned canvas bag-toting customers." So, in my never-ending quest to do many things not-very-well instead of sticking to one thing and doing it well, I contacted Publix headquarters in Lakeland with what I thought was a cool pitch (delivered in a Dynamic Powerpoint Presentation, since corporate guys like that shit). I laid out the costs and benefits, the strategies and logistics, offering to oversee the pilot program at my local Publix, with me being the first delivery guy.

It got some attention and even a phone call from a guy with a big title that had "VP" in it. He actually thought it was cool, but in the end, legal would trump cool, and the potential liabilities of bicycle delivery (accidents, spoiled food, etc.) would outweigh the convenience to Publix customers. Too bad. He suggested going it independent. Maybe.

Here's a Minnesota company doing it, although they only do produce.

I still think it's a cool idea.

We Are Building a Religion

There's a brand manager over at Frito-Lay's SunChips who just won't give up. Burdened with the 21st Century do-gooder, save-the-planet, share-the-love ethos, back in '07 SunChips was immersed in their "Live Brightly" campaign, complete with fake videos of cool dudes who eat SunChips buying two sandwiches and giving one to a homeless man, who just wanted some cheap, potent wine. Having failed to start a new religion based on "Live Brightly," SunChips is now going the "How Will You Change the World?" route. I won't transcribe the copy from that site, because you can imagine it already. Here are the highlights:

"Small ideas, turn to big ideas, ride your bike to work, greener planet, power to change the world, we can do this!"

Are you puking yet? They go on to explain that SunChips bags are now biodegradable! How awesome is that? Doesn't it make you want to grab a bunch of empty SunChips bags and throw them out the window as you race through a beautiful green space without a muffler on your gas-guzzling SUV, screaming at the bum on the corner to "Get a Job!"? OK, maybe you won't react that harshly. Or perhaps you are susceptible to this bullshit and you now have the urge to buy a Prius and compost your toilet paper. (Oh, did I mention that SunChips are "heart healthy?" Yes! So skip that coronary bypass and just munch away. The heart healthy lie is an essay of its own for another time.)

Remember when Heineken did the same thing, trying (and failing) to create a Universal Brotherhood by "Sharing the Good?"

But as the culture goes, so goes the advertising. (Or is it the other way around?) For instance, during World War II, if your brand didn't "support the war effort," it was basically a Nazi brand and you should be put into a camp in the desert along with those suspicious Japanese. So as we are continually bombarded with talk of our "Planet In Peril" and the need to "Be Good Stewards," we can expect beer and chips to try to jump on the bandwagon. Some good surely comes from this. Then again, some real sharks are born of it, like the "Sustainability Consultant" businesses now showing up in big corporations, teaching grown-ups how to use less paper.

"Green" is now a religion, with adherents so militant and fervent they could qualify as religious extremists. (How many of us now recycle out of sheer guilt?) But if you're looking for meaning and a sense of fulfillment from a bag of chips, you should maybe go talk to a member of the clergy, or a psychiatrist. 

No More Wood in Your Mouth

A piece of Green Self-Promotion and Eco Self-Congratulation has hit the wires today, and my local business journal dutifully picked up on it, right down to the boilerplate promotion: "Kobe Japanese Steakhouse & Sushi Bar, which opened in 1984 in Altamonte Springs, features teppanyaki, high-quality steaks and Japanese cuisine at eight locations in the Orlando and Tampa areas."

Something's Hoppin' in Denmark

Is it just me, or are these guys everywhere these days? I see them on TV, banners and pre-roll a lot of late. As T-Boone Pickens gears up his wind energy initiative, Vestas of Denmark is out in front of everyone else to make sure you know who to go to for all your wind turbine needs. They’ve been in the business since 1945 and operate in 60 countries. Profits last year were nearly $5 Billion. Denmark leads the way in wind power, with nearly 20% of their electricity being provided by wind in 2007.

I suppose your local community colleges had better add Wind Turbine Technician to their Associate of Science program. This video demonstrates what happens when the brakes fail on a Vestas windmill in a storm.



Now imagine that perched atop a NYC skyscraper, Mr. Mayor.

FINE PRINT: Bad Shakespeare pun unforgivable, I know.

Sharing Some Good

Click image for full flavored freshness

On my way to work this morning I heard a somewhat labored and not fully fleshed-out radio ad in which the narrator implores the listeners to "share the good." He makes a vague reference to cleaning up garbage by the docks, sharing a beer and basically "doing your part." He mentions Heineken. He mentions a URL, "Sharethegood.com." And I'm thinking, "Please God, No! Not another SunChips-styled attempt to turn a product into a religion. The bottle is already green. What more do you want? Besides Rolling Rock, you're the Green Beer!"

So the first thing I do when I get to work is go to sharethegood.com. "Coming Soon" from register.com. is all there is right now. Who Is reveals it's registered to Brian Citron of New York City. He registered it on February 12 of this year. A quick Google search reveals Brian is Associate Brand Manager for Heineken, USA. (Firefox and IE will show it as unavailable. Safari reveals the register.com registration.) Here's a picture I found of Brian from The New York Times when his marriage was announced in 2005. Congratulations, by the way, sir.

Brian: Since you haven't yet launched the site but you're running radio for a site that isn't ready, you're now going to have to buy more radio when the site eventually goes live. Let's hope in the interim you can think through this "Share The Good" concept and not fall flat on your face as one more brand executing another self-satisfied half-stab at making the world a better place through [beer, chips, toilet paper, dog food, tampons, shoes, etc.] I truly hope the Heineken effort is different from what we've been treated to so far by other brands.

I'm sure it's one of those cases where airtime was bought based on something the web team promised. Then some snags were hit on the development side and the radio stations (Clear Channel) said "Screw you. Contract's signed. We've already scheduled the spots!" (And they chuckled under their breath, saying, "It's Heineken, They can afford it.") So the AE was all, "C'mon, Web Team. You're totally screwing me here!" And the Web Team was like, "Dude, it's not our fault! The servers in White Plans were supposed to propagate the domain nationally by 7AM Tuesday. That's what they promised! I'll show you the email!" And there were late nights of scrambling and iPhones were buzzing as they tried to finish in time for the spots to air. But the spots aired before the site was ready and someone's passing the buck right now and someone else is eating crap. Hopefully it all gets worked out soon. I'd like the chance to see what this new Heineken religion is all about.

Maybe it's just the interactive agency not communicating effectively with the traditional agency.

Or maybe it's simply a case of my local Clear Channel station playing a spot before it was supposed to be played.

Whatever, I'd be interested to hear from Brian Citron if he finds this. When is the new site coming, Brian? What's the plan? How can I help?

(And I'm available to help with your marketing efforts in exchange for massive shipments of beer. I will also require a walk-in cooler installed in my garage.)

Black is the New Green

Groggy, eyes half-closed, sipping a scalding coffee, going to check some sites I seem to have developed a dependence upon, and Google wants to mess with my world by getting all Earthy on my homepage. It's all a part of Earth Hour.

Great effort. Got me to blog about it, so disarming was it to see my Google page all darkened. It's almost guerrillaesque in a simple, shocking way.

So I click the link to find out what's it about.

Yawn. Another self-satisfied half-stab at creating "awareness" for conservation.

Yes, let's have everyone turn off their lights for an hour tonight in a symbolic gesture of "acknowledging our commitment to energy conservation." And then we can all feel good about ourselves because we...acknowledged our commitment to energy conservation?

Yeah, that should do it.

I don't want to start a war with the Church of Global Warming or get into a debate with the Eco-Police or demean the work of all the Green Teamers, but your efforts are wasted.

I was at a grocery store yesterday and a nicely dressed woman was loading her bags into a nicely waxed, high-end, late model sedan. She had those burlap eco-bags that you bring with you every time you shop. I'm sure she thought she was "doing her part for the environment," but it won't mean a thing until you ban plastic grocery bags and issue burlap grocery bags to every citizen. Or even easier: charge shoppers ten cents per plastic bag.

I hear PSAs on the radio urging homeowners to only water their lawns on the days designated by the county. But until the Sprinkler Police start issuing citations to people like my neighbor who waters his lawn all the time - even when it's raining - the people will continue to waste water.

You drive a hybrid? Nice. Feel better now? Great. Guess what? It didn't help. Until the government stops kissing the asses of Saudi Arabia and bailing out Detroit, nothing will change. If your motivation to buy a hybrid was to save on your monthly gasoline bill, then good on you. Just don't pretend you're doing something "for the Earth."

Given a choice, the majority of the population will not sacrifice. A few idealists will, and those few idealists will get frustrated and angry with the majority for not helping, hoping to shame them into helping. And the majority won't feel ashamed; they'll just feel indignant and pissed off at the idealists for being so arrogant. They'll help when they're punished in the wallet for not helping.

That's how it works. Sorry.

My Kingdom for an (Iron) Horse

Hey, Delta has a blog!

And they're Green, Diverse, aware of Breast Cancer and doing what they can for the Poor.

Bases pretty well covered in their efforts to rebuild following bankruptcy.

Now, if they can do something about the smarmy treatment so prevalent with airlines.

From the ticket counter to security to the baggage claim, everything about flying just plain sucks. Come on , Amtrak, get your act on track.

UPDATE: HighJive notes in the comments that it's unlikely we'll see anything good out of Delta with this recent news.

Original 1970 image is via.

If I Were a German Pimp

I'd roll in this. And if people gave me crap about the "Green" thing, with their silly "carbon emissions" talk, shouting about "global warming" and all that "planet in peril" new religion, I'd say, "Hey! I'm a pimp! What do I care about your silly-ass Green initiatives? I got your sustainability right here!”

Yes. That’s what I’d do. If I were a German pimp.

Clicken das imagen to mach bigness

Recyclable Paper Plates!

Winner: Most Misleading Packaging and Product Naming

"Nature's Own." "Green Label." And the kicker, "Made from 100% Paper, A Renewable Natural Resource."

This is almost as bad as the 400 pound man who owns a car dealership and can therefore call himself "The world's largest Chevy dealer."

Forget Going Green: Disposable Cups for Marital Bliss

When the blogging gets tough amid too much work - the smart blogger turns to other sources for material.

In the olden days, men got dressed for bed in striped pajamas and climbed into their beds, which were situated just off the kitchen. Then they let out loud, frustrated sighs for their wives to hear as they waited for the women to finish their chores so they could come to bed and service them, like women are supposed to do at night. The men did the crossword puzzle and waited some more. It was sometimes a long wait, as the wives often had a banquet's worth of glasses piled on the counter, left there by her rotten, ungrateful children, and the men, who had already been at work all day driving a bus or butchering pigs in order to bring home the bacon, were not about to climb out of bed and help their wives with "women's work."

Dixie recognized this national dilemna and invented the paper cup. Tagline: "A Dixie Kitchen Dispenser Will Get You Together Again."

Click to read the amazingly misogynistic copy, you glass-washing women.

Via