Echo and The Narcissists

In my iGoogle Twitter window there's a lady in Perth live-blogging a stalker at her home while the police arrive. That's mildly interesting and slightly disturbing. Someone tweeted "Good morning, Tweet Peeps!" which made me click the "Unfollow" button. The usual runners and workout grunts are explaining how good they feel having completed a "great run." (I keep them around because they remind me I should do that too.) Others are linking everyone to what song they're listening to and hoping we'll join them in a global singalong. We are the World. Hands Across America.

I get a notice that someone is following me. I see he is also following another 10,000 and has 400 followers. I will not be one of them. He's a specialist in Customer Relationship Management and tweets nothing but. Someone else is following me. She has 25,324 followers and is following about the same number. I don't understand that and don't want to be a part of it. If you're following that many, you can't possibly be paying much attention to many of them. Just to be sure I'm not missing anything worthwhile, I check on what she might be tweeting. I look in at her feed to see nothing but a bunch of retweets, the Twitter way of saying, "I saw this somewhere and wanted you to know that I thought it was worth sharing with all of you."

I said something about real estate in a tweet and five real estate agents instantly started following me. I said something about hating when marathoners talk incessantly about their training and a bunch of marathon-types and runner's magazines started following me. Someone who tweets nothing but positive New Age tripe cloaked as "Inspiration" is about to get deleted from my "Following" list. I guess he thinks he's the world's "Life Coach." Not mine, buddy. Bye.

I say we all just get mini-camera implants in our eyes, and then we can all have our whole lives broadcast on a unique channel. The most interesting lives will have lots of viewers and people will do crazy-dumb stuff to get more viewers, which will mean they can start wooing sponsors to their lives. A guy's eyes will glance down in the morning to pick up a tube of toothpaste. In order to get compensated for the product placement shot, he will need to linger on the tube for about five seconds. The whores can charge a viewer fee so you can watch them do their thing. The self-professed gurus and knowledge-slingers can wax on and on as they drive their kids to soccer practice. ("Daddy, I got an A on my math test!" "Son, I'm talking to my followers right now.") You can keep your Facebook twisted-face pose on all the time, or that goofy trademark tongue-sticking-out thing you do. Think of the world as your bathroom mirror, admiring you as much as you do. Let's all be Balloon Boy's dad, or the desperate dolts who send staged clips to America's Funniest Home Videos.

Everyone's life on constant display. Everything you see, touch, experience, eat, drink and do, you can show the world. We see what you see. We see what you do. We're in your head, sharing your wisdom, your fears, your life. We're at your meals, your job, on your dates, in your dreams.

Sounds like a creepy, far-off Dystopian nightmare. But we're halfway there.

The 2011 Cars Will Be Here In January

What the hell. Yes, I am aware that the new model year cars are often available toward the end of the previous calendar year, but this is jumping the gun. Why not just start announcing some 2012 cars while you're at it?

Super Saturated Street Scenes - European Tour

In association with Google Street Views, Where's My Jetpack? presents the fourth in a series of one-of-a-kind, super-rare-find artistic compositions.

Suitable for framing, (and you'd be a fool not to) a guy fixes a traffic light on Via Francesco Martinengo in Milan, Italy. Remind me someday to tell you what happened in Milan.

This print is titled "Don't Walk" and is available for purchase through select brokers. By appointment only. Prices upon request.

Big Picture

Jack-O-Lantern^TM, Threatening Sky^TM and Major Mike Adams^TM sold separately.

Yeah, I'm kinda obsessed with Google Street Views.

You've Tried The Rest...

I knew a guy in a Midwest market who owned that region's jingle scene. He made big bucks. Then he'd take his jingle truck on the road and set up shop in a smaller market's radio station for a week and recycle his tunes to a new bunch of businesses who hadn't heard them. I hated his jingles. I hate most jingles. And maybe it's because songs get stuck in my head. I can recall the jingles to commercials from my childhood, and I haven't seen those spots in years. I despise the jingle as a sinister and highly effective tool for making people remember your product.

Remember it better

Robert Lee Sells Mobile Homes

This commercial tries very hard to be raw and real, and in it's trying, succeeds. It's the old "be more honest than you need to be" angle, with a fun and winking Chuck Norris B-movie vibe thrown into the production for fun.



And do you know how many guys in the South are named Robert Lee?

Watch the making of this commercial.

Super Saturated Street Scenes, Volume I, Number 3

Google Street Views takes us today to the Pacific Beach area of San Diego. Moon, flasher and Major Mike Adams sold separately.

Supersize Me

Super Saturated Street Scenes - Volume I, Number 2

A new (and if I know me, fleeting) hobby courtesy of Google Street Views. (Here's the first one.) Half the fun is in finding a nice scene with the right light. This one is South Beach, Miami. Major Mike Adams was brought in just for fun.

big

The Google Street View B Team

As in most workplaces, where the choice assignments get snapped up by the ass-kissers and those with seniority, I know there's a crew of Google Street View Roamers out there hoping that someday they get a decent task.

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Original image from Shorpy.

Sweat Shop

Mucho Massive

Original image from Shorpy.

Super Saturated Street Scenes

My latest endeavor is photographing the American cityscape. This one is titled "No Stopping or Standing." It was taken in Miami's downtown area, near the old arena. It was not easy to win the approval of these two gentlemen in the photograph, their skepticism obvious in their body language. But the defiance they represent, the contemptuous disregard for posted rules, speaks to the American spirit of independence and rebellion. If they had a flag, it would say "Don't Tread on Me."

Colour prints

20" x 16" £600
16" x 12" £430
12" x 10" £280

(You realize this is bullshit, right, and that I stole this from Google Street Views?)

The Boy Who Cried Balloon

Richard Heene, father of Balloon Boy, is a new type of villain for the Reality Age, duping the world into believing that his son was swirling through the Colorado clouds in a runaway balloon.

So, here's our intrepid Lego reporter from Xtranormal to confront this jackass, a man we'd all be happy to never see again. But something tells me he's here to stay.



Crossposted to Radio Free Babylon.

Two Point Owning Some Dead Designs

The State of Florida's flag design was approved by a popular referendum in 1900. I assume that means white men, since only they could vote then*. And these men were not concerned with the aesthetics of design. They were fighting snakes and Seminoles and wondering when someone would hurry up and invent air-conditioning. And they were likely only given one design to review. In 1900, no less.

"You like it or not?" the Florida government asked the white guys, and they were all, "Sure. Whatever. Got to have a flag, right?"

Supersize me

State flags are generally composed of uninspired variations on the state seal, maybe a Latin word or two, the date of statehood. Blah, boilerplate crap. Or they go with some goofy take on the American flag. (Talkin' to you Texas, Ohio, Hawaii, Mississippi.) I think California scores well, even if the image is kind of, oh, communist all around. My other favorites, only because they didn't do what you'd expect, are the flags of Tennessee, Arizona, Alaska, South Carolina and New Mexico. Honorable mentions go to Colorado, Rhode Island, Arkansas and Indiana for the extra effort. For sheer balls and against-the-grain rebelliousness, Alabama gets good marks for their punk rock flag that isn't even properly shaped. Or maybe that's a Confederate X, in which case, nevermind.

I get the feeling that the cool ones were designed by one person and the crappy ones were designed by a few committees reaching a compromise that satisfied no one. Then they ran it by the Governor's wife and her best friend, who used to work for the high school yearbook and knows a thing or two about "the proper placement of elements so as to draw the viewer into an experience with the piece." She said, "Make that green a little greener. And does the guy in the coonskin cap have his fly open?" Once the Governor's wife's best friend was done adjusting the design, they put it to a referendum of the white menfolk. In 1900.

I think State governments should overhaul their images once in a while. They do it with their license plates all the time. Hey, Maryland! What the fuck is going on in that seizure-inducing, nightmare illusion? Oregon. Really? A cartoon beaver? C'mon, Idaho. You're not even trying.

Isn't it time we 2.0'd some of these ugly old relics?




* Yes, I know Blacks were given the vote post-Civil War, but the quickly adopted Poll Tax in the Southern states sort of prevented a lot of Blacks from voting.

Who Wants to Start a Brewery?

Or at least get an existing brewery to pick up a new brand. New World Beer. (Not to be confused with a home brew strain by the same name.)

Taste? What does taste have to do with anything? You gonna tell me Dos Equis is a great beer? 'Course it ain't. But it's got a great campaign behind it. I think I have a good name for a brew here, in honor of the guy who planted a flag in the Dominican Republic a few centuries ago. We can mess with the label art and all that, of course. And once we've got all the REAL work done, THEN we make a beer that isn't half bad and we tell everyone it's awesome, will make them cool, get them laid and define their lives.

mas grande

It Depends Upon What the Meaning of the Word "Is" Is

It's always amusing to learn what urgent questions Google users need the answers to.



I'll now answer these questions:

Yes.
Yes. And she's really going to take him home tonight.
No.
She was, but she's not anymore.
It's legal. What you do with it probably isn't.
He has expressed his fondness for men, though this may be a publicity stunt.
Extremely contagious.
Yes.
She was. but she's not anymore.
Often called the "Sixth Jackson," Michael's brother Randy is not the Randy Jackson you're thinking of.

University of Something or Other

SNL has always been, and will likely always be, about half funny, the other half not funny at all. It's a crap shoot on any given Saturday night. One thing SNL remains consistently good at is the fake commercial. Here is a not so subtle jab at the University of Phoenix and other such online schools. Even the logo for "Westfield" looks much like the University of Phoenix's.

Renaissance YouTube

In this cheap hack-job of a screenshot, I imagine Leonardo getting himself a YouTube account and seeking feedback on his work from the YouTube "community." (Click to read.)

Click for the massive

Taco Bell Brainstorm

Saw a spot for Taco Bell recently. Everyone in the room agreed that the commercial was very anti-appetizing. Maybe you just need to be stoned and hungry to appreciate Taco Bell spots. Whatever they're doing, they're doing it wrong. All of the Yum! brands seem to just plain suck. Maybe they are just the eternal second-place also-rans. Pizza Hut, KFC, Long John Silver's, Taco Bell. Maybe it's the association with perennial second-place also-ran Pepsi, I don't know. But here's how they come up with their commercials, I'm pretty sure.



D'oh! They left out "slimy cheese in slow motion."

Brett Favre Wears Purple

Bigger is Better

He's a fickle, arrogant prima donna, but he's just as amazing to watch play at 40 as when he was supposedly in his "prime." It's looking like coming back from retirement (twice) wasn't such a bad idea. During the post-game interview, in which the nasty reporter tried to get a scoop by begging him to badmouth his former team, he played it cool, giving the standard-jock "110% team effort" spiel. The guy is a player, and if you like football, you have to like Favre.

He's Just a Really Good Friend

Still being mesmerized by old issues of LIFE over at Google Books. This odd picture used in a 1957 ad was sort of perplexing. The man in the yellow car has apparently backed his vehicle to the water's edge and is dressed in a suit. He's either a child molester cruising the beach, or he's about to give the cabana boy a lesson 'bout messin'.


Since child molestation is not funny at all, I've captioned with the latter possibility. (Click image to read. Duh.)

The Empire's Decline Will Be Televised

Lab Coats Don't Lie

The collection of old LIFE magazines on Google is becoming what I was afraid it would; a distracting source of odd images to mess with in Photoshop.

Double Scoop

In the Coming Race Wars

OK, I admit it: I've been obsessing since discovering Xtranormal. I don't know where I was when this free tool was announced back in the first quarter of the year, but the thing has potential. There's something about the deadpan delivery of a flat, computer voice that makes the dialog more fun. This is a great little tool, and I'm not being paid to say this. I'm amazed by the ease of the technology. It's like they say in their tagline: "If you can type, you can make movies." You have to drag some pauses into the dialog and find body expressions (and you may have to misspell some words to make them semi-coherent and audible), but if I can do it...

I think Flash designers are the next skilled pros who might find themselves automated out of a job, going the way of the encyclopedia salesman, travel agent - and most of the rest of us. With some refining, banners will be made with this thing. And this is how storyboards will be created soon; point and click, with the client coming to us armed with her frame-by-frame idea for a commercial. "And here's where my daughter walks into the scene and announces, 'You've tried the rest...'"

My latest juvenile creation: John and Chuck addressing some current stupidity in these Untied States of America, on this First day of October, in the Year of Our Lord, Two-Thousand and Nine. (At Nine O'Clock in the evening.)



Crossposted to Radio Free Babylon.