Off The Grid

Like a dumb American, I will join many other idiots on our fine Interstate system tomorrow and travel some 700 miles to a faraway land where the water is said to be clear, the air clean and the inhabitants friendly, if a bit confused. Once the dreaded drive is completed, the aim is to relax.

While I'm sure the inhabitants regard themselves as the mainest of mainstream America, (we will be in one of their red counties) they have been bypassed by the likes of AT&T and other carriers. And when the inhabitants see iPhone commercials on their teevees, do they say to themselves, "Wish we could get that," or do they say, "Stupid phone. Who the hell needs that thing?" I'm guessing the latter. So, it might be fun to do as the Romans do and just use the stupid phone as an iPod and mindless time-waster. (Wolfenstein 3D is a fun app.) Or maybe I'll set it down and read a book.

Sanford's Options

I don't know who is managing Governor of South Carolina Mark Sanford's public relations, but he's really blowing it with the wishy-washy statements. First he confesses in a weird ramble, then he confesses that his confession wasn't exactly true, now he refuses to speak to the media.

I've drafted two statements for you, Governor. Quit being a clown and choose one.

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Jack Smith - Adsmith

The thing I like about Jack is that he always stands by what he believes.

It's a one-off, I'm pretty sure.

Clicking induces size enhancement.

This is a Lot of Work for a Free T-Shirt

You know how when a band gets big, the people who followed their earlier tours get all bent out of shape, saying things like, "Oh, you don't have the bootleg video of the Portland show? I was there, man! You guys aren't real fans!" That's how I feel now as one of my favorite groups hits the road for the third year in a row. I covered their previous two tours and met up with them when they were down here in O-town on what they called a "working weekend." (Drawing pictures in a public park downtown is hardly working.) I've had the opportunity to work with them professionally and they are a fun bunch who don't give you a lot pf pushback. Or maybe they're just so good with their people skills that when they give you pushback you don't even realize it.


I'm talking, of course, about the mentally challenged children of Plaid, a not-for-profit ministry in downtown Danbury, Connecticut. Led by a former punk rocker who had a vision of providing shelter and guidance to wayward urchins who'd been turned out on the streets, Plaid seeks to bring hope and healing to a hurting world. And I believe that children are our future.

This time, the Plaidiators will focus on the central states, taking in Detroit, Milwaukee, Chicago, Indianapolis, St. Louis, Kansas City, Branson, Memphis, Jackson and New Orleans. I will follow with interest the Branson portion of their journey, as I have experience in that region, experience I don't like to talk about unless there is someone standing nearby ready to sedate me.

And this time, the Plaid Summer Tour is different. They have sponsors now. They even got their vehicle supplied by Ford. This time instead of a giant church van, they'll travel in a Ford Flex. That's really cool. And sponsorship means the swag will be better for the bloggers who took the time to write about the trip.

It's a mobile exercise in new biz development. This is no cold call journey. The Plaid people have it all planned out: seeing new places, maybe landing a client or two, meeting the friends from Twitter and blogs they've never actually met in person. If they're swinging through your town, you'd be well-advised to buy them a beer and hang out. Until they start kissing your cheek and rubbing your leg. Then it's time to go because the weird stuff is about to happen.

Follow along starting July 20th.

I'm ready for my swag now.

Do You Know This Brand?

If you live anywhere near where men of action drive big trucks and act mean when they're getting their energy drinks at 7-Eleven, you've seen this decal on the backs of those big trucks.

I'd been seeing it for some time and for the life of me couldn't find out what it stood for. I searched "deer head logo" and "antler decal" to no avail. Then on Sunday, I saw two of these on the windshield of a muddy Jeep, with the word BROWNING in giant white letters between the deer heads. Yes, someone is so devoted to Browning that they've plastered the name on their windshield. This is fan loyalty in the extreme and it's a trend any brand would pay big money for.

I haven't hunted deer in many years, not since my brother-in-law stuck me up in his tree-stand with a joint and a rifle at 5:30 on a freezing November morning in Missouri. After the joint, I really had no interest in looking for deer and was instead enthralled with the way the long brown grass was waving in the wind. I know a lot of hunters, I grew up around guns and I can shoot pretty straight, but I'm just not that into it. Many others are very into it and Browning has cultivated a cult of sorts with this deer head logo. They call it the "Buckmark."

Here's Brandy, showing off her Buckmark tattoo. She even put a "TM" next to the words "Country Girl." That is really sweet, and I'll bet Brandy is a really cool chick and makes killer venison jerky. I know she can down a few Busch Lights while swigging from a bottle of Jack and singing "Sweet Home Alabama" all summer long.

This is Tyler. He's got the Buckmark on his right bicep as well as his day-glo orange safety hunting cap. Tyler is not going to college and that's fine. College isn't for everybody. By the time he's 30, Tyler will have many stories of the big bucks he's bagged and he will never worry about doing a 9 to 5. He's the kind of guy who could pick up odd jobs around town and be perfectly happy so long as there's gas in the camoflauged ATV and a bottle of doe-in-heat urine in his vest pocket.

When Michael asked his girl to the prom, she outdid the Buckmark on his vest lapel and put one on her orange tarp dress. That is serious love, man.

Oh, sure, it's easy to make fun of hunters and gun owners and hillbillies, and those same people make fun of me when I get together with them. ("You're a writer? What do you write? Like, letters and such?") But this is a story about brand loyalty. These people love Browning. There are over 2,000 more examples of people showing their love for Browning right here. It's all a part of the "Show Us Your Buckmark" contest, the winner of which will win, what else, a Browning rifle.

Here's a comprehensive history of the brand's logo, a mark they've been using for 30 years.

How many companies can inspire this kind of devotion, that their fans would literally brand themselves with the brand's logo? I can't think of one. UPDATE: Anonymous points out in the comments that Harley-Davidson fans are just as devoted. Good call.

Can't Decide Between a Hummer or One of These

This little thing caught my eye last week in Miami. A dealer had the specs in giant letters on the side: "42 MPG, 70 MPH." Adding to the double-take factor was the price: $9,995.

It's nothing more than a motorcycle with a cab and a bed, but it seems to make sense as everyone frets over gas prices and affordability. I could see a fleet of these delivering pizza.

Mexican, South American and Asian city streets have been filled with three-wheeled vehicles for years. Nothing like a little recession to get us thinking smart.

The manufacturer's website.
An owner's website.

How's That iPhone Workin' For Ya, City Boy?

We're going on vacation next week. In preparation, I thought I'd consult AT&T to see what sort of voice and data coverage we can expect as we disappear into some American mountains for a lakeside retreat with extended family in a "cabin" that sleeps 25. After looking at the map, I predict boredom, cabin fever and early bedtimes. Or maybe it will be a true vacation, where I'm not answering emails and the worry of wondering if I'll have a job next week will have to wait until I return.

Click for offensive message from AT&T

10 Year Time Travel

Wake up and smell the bullshit.

Somewhere, Jennifer Aniston is Laughing

It appears that turning yourself into a cartoon is a big deal right now. I suspect the trend will die out in about two days when people start saying, "That was so 26th of June." I live in a cartoon-world already, so I haven't had the urge to convert my Facebook or Twitter icons. Angelina implored me to do so via a banner ad at Twitpic, but I will resist her evil charms and instead re-title her banner.

Cold Call Carl - No. 9

You ever get Linked-In updates from former colleagues who were managers but are now out of work? I do, and they often include "social media" in their list of capabilities. I wouldn't trust most of them to pick up my mail when I'm on vacation, much less put the future of my business in their hands.

Make the Comic Bigger

If I've said it before...wait...I guess I have said it before: Here's the whole "Cold Call Carl" series.

LOLSUITS No. 2

Previously in LOLSUITS.

Every State Has a Springfield

Dominating the skyline like an Eastern European monument to thoughtless architecture, the Springfield, Illinois Hilton lends an eerie ugliness to a town whose chief qualities are eeriness and ugliness.

Scene of Obama's announcement to run for President (an impressive event) and the home of the Illinois State Capitol (an impressive structure) the town also hosts the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library and Museum. This is no ordinary museum, and despite its overwhelming fascination with death and ghosts and creepiness (a wax figure of Mary Todd Lincoln sits dressed in black, the window reflecting a gloomy rain as she mourns the death of her son with a bible on her lap; a replica of the rotunda is dark and ominous, where Lincoln's body lies in state) the museum rivals anything Disney could do. Put together by BRC Imagination Arts (WARNING: exceptionally cheese-filled homepage video on their website) the exhibits leave you asking, "How did they do that?" which is a pretty decent takeaway for any museum.

We had a good visit, randomly deciding to stop in (at the compulsion of some roadside signs) as we drove through the very flat and uninspiring middle of Illinois. Springfield has an Arby's. We ate there. I had the French Dip, an inspired sandwich, the au jus of which was "CAUTION: EXTREMELY HOT" so I cannot sue them for a burnt tongue as they warned me ahead of time.

I took a moment to travel back in time to try to talk John Wilkes Boothe out of what he kept referring to as his "destiny," but alas, I was too late. His mind was made up.

It's a Cookie and a Cracker - You Can Figure it Out

The design world is (was) buzzing about what Baker Associates did for a couple of iconic junk food products for Target. At one discussion, a dissenter says, "When you mess with classic brands like this it looks more like they were robbed, not cleaned."

I wholeheartedly disagree. I see these packages and I say, "Nice." A few others see it the same.

But my opinion is likely suspect. My ideal kitchen would be all stainless steel with a drain in the floor and coiled hoses coming down from the ceiling to rinse the whole place off after I make a mess. The pantry would be filled with easy-to-identify items like these packages. Those comparing this to Tropicana's much-hissed-at repackaging failure are missing a key point: Tropicana's redesign made the product look generic. These are still very clearly Oreo cookies and Ritz crackers.

I see Target as understanding a good chunk of their clientele; the person who appreciates style but can't afford it. This seems a nod to the whole Michael Graves side of the business. Those with their boxers in a bind, their panties in a wad, their knickers in a twist can take comfort in the fact that Target is calling this an "in and out" for the summer only. That's too bad.

LOLSUITS

Do an image search on your favorite stock photography site for "businessman" or "businesswoman" and you'll find plenty of those "concept" type photos of a woman standing in the desert with a briefcase or a man running on the beach in a suit. These genius photographers have inspired my latest feature, which may or may not recur here with a sporadic and completely random frequency.

Obama for D&C

You've seen their ads, the highly charged and curious group photographs that suggest a gang rape or gay orgy. On his recent trip overseas, President Obama was photographed outside the home of the Ambassador to France. I like that we have a leader who isn't afraid to sit on some steps, ("disgracing the office," many will say) but I could not resist childishly converting the scene.

Dubya Tee Eff

A commenter on YouTube puts it very well:

omg that was drug induced crazy let me get this straight some guy pitched an idea that was basically "okay we got this doll right and were gonna have two girls feeding him and then the dad is gonna come in see the doll laughing like a maniac and say 'ooh let me tickle him' and the its gonna show the doll getting a hard on and peeing in his face.... hilarious right"

Officially Over: The "Bailout" Sales Gimmick

Everyone's doing it - and it's done. Here's a new promotion from Florida-based Ker's Wing House.


Please. Stop it. This is not smart or funny or even topical anymore. Bailout. What? What do you mean? Are you bailing me out of the high cost of dining out? OK, I'll grant that's a pretty cheap bunch of shrimp, but a bailout it is not. And as long as I'm dragging your ideas through the dirt, can I pick on your middle school art direction? I'm not an Art Director, but I play one at work - which always pisses off the real Art Directors - but an American flag? Really? Nice bevel on the restaurant name. I guess you were going for the "retro 1996" look? Oh, cool use of a yellow starburst/seal. Overall grade: D+.

For those not in Florida and Texas, Ker's Wing House (usually just called Wing House) is a cheap knock-off of Hooter's, where the food is the secondary attraction. (Read the story of Ker's here - originally called "Knockers." Wow.)

Wing House is all about service, and that service comes in the form of young women who touch the arms of men and say, "Can I get you another beer, hon?" or "How we doin' on the those wings, babe?" as she grazes a customer's shoulder with freakishly enhanced flotation devices that protrude from her tank-top. Then, the lonely boys at the table get a little buzzed and start to imagine that the Wing House girl really likes them, prompting them to leave a ridiculously over-proportioned tip and ask for her phone number. She smiles a very practiced, shy smile and says something about how her boyfriend wouldn't like that, to which the drunkest of the boys responds that he could please her way better than her boyfriend. Then the manager comes over and tells them to leave. He has many tattoos and a beer belly, so the boys wisely heed his advice. But they'll be back. And they'll ask to be seated in her section.

Oh No They Di'nt!

General Mills, franchisee for French yogurt maker Yoplait, is branching off in a new, and some believe, questionable direction, in hopes of increasing yogurt sales.

According to B. S. White, North American Regional Vice President for General Mills, Yoplait will be marketed under the name "Yo, playa" in certain cities in an attempt to reach a wider urban market not known for reliable or sustained yogurt purchases. Focus groups of young, street basketball players are said to have found the yogurt to be "most tasty," said White.African American marketers are not amused.

(This story is false. It's called parody, satire, tongue-in-cheek humor. If you really think General Mills is this stupid, then you need to send me $500 right away. It's been done, and we aren't slandering anyone, so lawsuits that may say otherwise are hereby declared frivolous by our legal department. Any resemblance to real persons where those real persons aren't really real is really coincidental. And if this was real, it shouldn't surprise anyone. Stupider things have been done.)

Horizons Broadened: Work Takes Back Seat

I'm so pissed off today at the clueless clowns who dictate my workload that I don't mind perusing YouTube and finding fun stuff right now. The people telling me what to do have zero clue what they want. All they know is what they don't want. And since I've given them five versions of the driest copy on earth (based on their specific, line-by-line direction) and they've rejected it all, I'm taking a break right now. Masters of the do-over, they even tell me to do over the stuff they told me to do over twice already. I've got email trails to prove their ineptitude and inability to make up their minds, (and hourly change their minds) but it's a job, right? Their indecision and lack of direction (and refusal to accept their agency's direction) means I have a job for a little while longer. Most clients suck. There's no two ways about it.

So, yesterday AdFreak put me on their Five to Follow list. Since that time I've been followed by countless better ad people. One of those was a guy from Wild Mouse, an agency in Toronto. He tweeted this today:

Started 5 day fast today. Famished already. Gave up cigs. Gave up booze. Give up food? I give. Talk to me and you will die.

That got my attention, as I've often thought that's something I want to try; just a system-shocking, all-out break from routine and the start of a healthier me. I'll check in on John in five days. If he isn't dead or hasn't killed someone, I might try his crazy plan. My problem is I want to try it from an air-conditioned oceanfront hut.

So I checked out Wild Mouse's stuff. It's pretty fun. Nice example below. Here's a client who said, "You're the pros. Knock yourselves out." Breaking the mold of the stodgy financial retirement template with a memorable and fun spot.



More from Wild Mouse here.

Yeah, I'm jealous.

Cold Call Carl - No. 8

le big

More Cold Call Carl

The Foribidden Land

Here's a Cuban tourism ad that airs in Canada. You see, Americans aren't allowed to travel to Cuba because we are still punishing Fidel Castro for being a bad man in like, 1959 or something, when he and that one actor, Benicio Del Toro, rode around the countryside on motorcycles, terrorizing the folks. 50 years later and Fidel is still in power in the country that has become a living time capsule, free from modernization and, many will tell you, free from freedom. Can't we all just get along? "No!" the powerful Cuban lobby in Miami will tell you, "We cannot!" But I'm from that naïve school that says you can talk to your "enemies" and even visit their countries.

It's not all glittery like the other Caribbean countries where you're used to your cruise ship docking. And that's half the allure.

And for the time being, this blog will go with a green scheme in solidarity with our other enemy, the Iranian people.