Worship the Abs

Best of Where's My Jetpack: Multi-Level Pimping

Having been at this blogging game for about four and a half years, I've got some stuff buried in here that most readers haven't seen. That's a lazy Friday way of saying, "I got nothin'."

So let's unlock the vault and bring back an oldie. From way back in November of 2006, the Quixtar / Amway parody that was pulled from YouTube but mysteriously remains on Google video.

I may be tempting fate (aka: the powerful lawyers of Amway) by putting it out here again. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Found in Don Draper's Trashcan

Don't Be Left out - Order Your Tiger Woods Apology Plate

On February 19, 2010, a long and enduring public humiliation culminated in one historic event - the apology of Tiger Woods at a press conference at Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida. Introducing a defining Tiger Woods collectible that captures a landmark moment in the changing tide of the American media landscape. This Tiger Woods commemorative collector plate celebrates his contrite message of hope that his fans would "find it in your hearts to believe in me again."

Crafted in magnificent fine porcelain, this All-American limited-edition Tiger Woods collectible is available exclusively from The Jetpack Exchange. Featuring an image of his electrifying speech before a worldwide audience against a deep blue backdrop, this momentous Tiger Woods memorabilia signifies the changing power of the public apology. Own your piece of American history. Order now!

This is So Very, Very Wrong

And so funny because it's so wrong. Taking religious satire to a whole new level is Pastor Shepherd of "The Prayer Hour." When I first saw this guy, I thought he was for real. Said a friend on Facebook: "He's so close to the read deal, it's scary."



You can view all of Pastor Shepherd's videos here, including a (typically psychotic) Gary Busey interview.

Arlington, Virginia Portal to Hell is Obama Haunt

News as seen from the fringe.

Ray's Hell Burger, a nondescript restaurant in Arlington, Virginia, was visited recently by Illuminati Super Child Barack Obama and his friend, Joe "Demon Hair" Biden. The pair are shown here being served by "Ray" AKA Satan, Beelzebub, Prince of Darkness, etc.


Just as Peru is known to have secret caves that lead to the interior of our hollow earth, where the nephalim live in peace, waiting to conquer the earth's surface at the end of the Mayan calendar, Arlington has long been a passage to Hell. Ray is delighted with the exposure the Obama visit has brought his restaurant.

"We don't even have a sign. And now we have been graced with the presence of the One. Needless to say, business is booming now like a bottled water vendor beside a molten river of fire! Our flaming flesh sandwiches are being devoured now like so many Roman Christians in a pit of lions!"

Obama says he was only hungry for a good burger and one of his hipster staffers suggested the popular burger joint.

"Ray is a great guy and a good example of a small business that is making it in this tough economy. It can be done," said Obama, "The naysayers need to talk to guys like Ray."

Ray laughed at the President, offering, "Oh, yes! You need to talk to me! I will give you riches! I will give you pleasures! Yours eyes shall be opened! Bwaaaaaaaa!"

Our Special Guacamolito Sauce

Before there was This is Why You're Fat, there was this, from SNL.



This is Why You're Fat, however, has fast become a parody of itself, much like Passive Aggressive Notes. They both remind me of the old America's Funniest Home Videos show, which started innocently enough, and then became a repository of staged and fake videos, people desperate for a chance at the prize money. "Oh no! That tree fell right onto that old car? Everyone act amazed and alarmed!" But who cuts down a tree next to an old car - with a camera rolling? Now it's just people desperate for a chance at ten seconds of notoriety on a fleeting website, creating fake funny notes or disgusting recipes.

I mean really, tempura fried cheesecake with whipped cream?

As Seen on TV

An unsolicited commercial script for a birthday gift I received from my sister-in-law.


Are you tired of the hassles of grilling in the dark? The neck pain from holding a flashlight under your chin? The undercooked food that you thought was done? The embarrassment of looking like a bad chef when you return to the grill to finish what you thought was already finished? The lawsuits from your dinner guests after they get food poisoning? The whispers and talking behind your back? The social ostracism and lifelong humiliation? The resulting alcoholism, drug addiction and thoughts of suicide?

These problems melt away with the Grill Light.

The Grill Light uses high powered LEDs. Unlike standard bulbs, LEDs illuminate food without the extra ambient glow that reflects off grill surfaces, obscuring the color of steaks, chops, burgers and ribs, making it more difficult to judge doneness, and making you look stupid when you walk into the house with pink chicken or raw steak.

Cook with confidence with the Grill Light, the life-saving miracle that will keep you, your family and all who eat in your home happy, healthy and free from the illnesses resulting from the digestion of undercooked food.

Available at Lowe's and other fine stores.

Tebow's Heisman Concession Speech Notes Leaked

I have connections at the University of Florida, and some of my sources have sent me a copy of Tim Tebow's notes for the speech he plans to give at the Downtown Athletic Club in New York City tomorrow after the Heisman Trophy is presented.

It is widely presumed that Oklahoma quarterback Sam Bradford will win, which is not fair to Gator fans, who wanted to have back-to-back Heisman wins for Tebow, along with another National Championship as well as supreme rule of the Galaxy. And the Heavens and all that dwell therein.

Here it is, from Timmy's pen:

Click for The Bigness

Clothes You Could Eat - Part II

Ahhh, Abercrombie, the status piece for the too hip to know any better; so hip they don't even need to wear the clothes in the ads or catalogs.

The A&F logo says only, "I shop at Abercrombie and I'm an Abercrombie billboard." I've created a better one. This one says "I'm toasty and warm in a Holiday Way." Buy one for the lady in your life. She'll say, "Thank you... freak."

More holiday food clothing brand rip-offs here

Just in Time For the Holidays

I'm thinking of launching a new line of holiday food-themed brand rip-offs. Let them know how much you love the holidays, but hate the logo-emblazoned clothing.

Why Your Presidents Get So Old So Fast

It’s going to be sad for many Americans to watch Barack Obama age right before our eyes over the next few years. But it happens to all Presidents. Here’s George Bush, the dashing young Republican star, when he took office in 2000, and as he appears today, a hearing-impaired, sad and withered man.


Many speculate that it is the pressure of the job that wears these men down. No, it’s not. How hard is to it have everything done for you and once in a while make a speech? Oh, sure, you occasionally have to make a “tough” decision. But that’s after you’ve been told what to decide by countless advisers. You’re simply the Decider in Chief. All the thinking is done for you.

What really wears these guys down are the secrets of the job. Few people know what a new President is privy to. I will tell you. I don’t want to shake your faith in America, but it’s better to be an informed citizen than an ignorant one.

Just as a new CEO of Disney is taken to the basement of Cinderella’s Castle to pay homage to the cryogenically frozen head of Walt Disney, a new President, immediately after being sworn-in, is whisked to the basement of the US Capitol to hear The Truth from the Secret Shadow Government. They let him in on the following facts:

• All decisions are subject to the approval of The Masons, who have a tunnel that leads directly to the Oval Office from their National Headquarters.
• Everything you've heard about Area 51 is true, but it is nothing compared to Area 52, where the Lizard Aliens control the weather and concoct the chemtrail mixtures.
• JFK ordered his own assassination.
  
• The Spice Girls were CIA counter-intelligence operatives. Well, all of them except Posh.
• Air Force One, the Presidential plane, is remote-controlled from the moon, where a large Air Force base was built in the 60s during the Apollo missions. Space Shuttle missions are nothing more than food and medicine deliveries.
• The Russians are our eternal friends and allies. We keep up the illusion of tension in order to keep other nations fearful and subjugated.
• The NFL is rigged. Referees are actually robots, pre-programmed to throw games as dictated by the Vegas gambling bosses.
• It's not just Elmer's Glue, but Cheetos, Doritos and most other snack foods are made from retired race horses.
  

There are so many more secrets, but it would take me days to write them all. And after they tell him these things, the Overlords place a permanent monitoring device in the new President's head that reads his thoughts. If he so much as thinks of spilling the American secrets he knows, even to his wife late at night in bed, the Overlords deliver an electric shock to his private parts.

Who wouldn't age quickly under those circumstances?

Good luck, Obama. We'll try to remember you as the innocent, young guy you are now.

Because Embedding Funny Stuff is Easier Than Creating It

Ashley Todd - Letter From Jail

Where's My Jetpack? has obtained an exclusive copy of a letter Ashley Todd wrote her fellow College Republicans.

Click for the Bigness

Torturing Tina Fey

"In the tank" for Obama, the snarky bitch comedian Tina Fey thinks she's so funny. You wait. She'll get what's coming to her for her one-sided, liberal elite East Coast mainstream Georgetown cocktail party media crap!

Lunchtime in Harlem

Reports suggest Bill Clinton and Barack Obama will be meeting for lunch this week. Here’s how it might go down.

BC: So, now you come crawlin’, huh, son?
BO: It’s good to see you, Mr. President.
BC: Cut the crap, Barry. And I’m calling you Barry, so get used to it.
BO: I appreciate you taking the time to meet with me.
BC: You damn well better.
BO: I do.

"I need the Mick Jagger Bill Clinton. The ladies throwing their panties onstage Clinton."

BC: You’re in a world of shit, son.
BO: Can I speak candidly?
BC: Wish you would. Cheeseburger? Onion rings?
BO: No, thank you.
BC: Chicken? Meatball sub?
BO: No, sir. Thank you.
BC: What’s on your mind?
BO: I need the Clinton magic.
BC: Hillary’s out there right now, doin’ her thing for you.
BO: And I appreciate that, Mr. President, but I need you.
BC: How do you mean?
BO: You’ve got a way with the ladies. And they’re leaving me for Palin.
BC: Ain’t she somethin’? Damn! Ol’ John blindsided you, didn’t he?
BO: She’s a fake! A phony! A manufactured cardboard cutout!
BC: Who isn’t, Barry? You want some pizza? A taco?
BO: No, thank you.
BC: Pasta? Banana cream pie?
BO: I don’t have much of an appetite lately.
BC: You’re lookin’ pretty gaunt. And gay, to be honest.
BO: I’m on a tightrope. I can’t attack her, and I can’t keep letting her steal the thunder.
BC: Thunder’s done gone, son. But you’re right—tight spot. But you gotta stop lookin’ like a whiny bitch.
BO: Can you help me?
BC: What do you have in mind?
BO: I need the Mick Jagger Bill Clinton. The ladies throwing their panties onstage Clinton.
BC: Heh, heh, heh, heh. Think that’ll quiet down the Hockey Mama Drama?
BO: It can at least distract them. Do the lip bite. Do the eyes welling with tears thing. The voice crack.
BC: And you're prepared to offer me what in return?
BO: UN Ambassador? Secretary of State? What do you want?
BC: Supreme Court for Hillary. Ambassador to Switzerland for Chelsea.
BO: Done. What about you?
BC: I just wanna be buddies, Barry. I wanna hang out, go to barbecues together, watch some football, drink some beer, shoot some hoops. Just quit leavin’ me on the sidelines, man. I can help.
BO: Done, sir.
BC: I’ll head down South for you this weekend. Hit some county fairs and church suppers and get your mojo back. Salad?
BO: Yes, please. And thank you.


For those who enjoy coincidence, today is 9/9/8 - and this is post #998 on Where's My Jetpack?

Next Up: Hurricane Ike and Tina Turner's Greatest Hits

The National Hurricane Center announced this morning that henceforth, all tropical storms and hurricanes are available for sponsorship.

Asked why a corporate entity would want to be associated with death and disaster, NHC spokesman Chuck Neanderthal offered, “It’s about awareness. If we can get more people to go to our website, monitor a current storm system and prepare themselves for upcoming storms, we will have done our part.”


The rates for sponsorship were not disclosed, but Neanderthal suggested that as a storm’s intensity increases, the price to be associated with that storm would also increase.

“Clearly a mere tropical depression will not be as valuable as a Category 5 monster headed for New Orleans that will be in the press for days,” said Neanderthal.

Bill Ray Cyrus, who purchased the naming rights for Tropical Storm Hanna currently churning in The Bahamas, said, “It’s a win-win. My daughter’s merchandise sales go up as young people are educated about emergency preparedness. What’s not to love about this?"

Even Terrorists Need a Vacation

(Nassau, The Bahamas) The Tourism Board of The Bahamas has unveiled a new ad campaign that seeks to lure Palestinians to the Caribbean island chain.

"There's a lot of money being spent in Mediterranean tourist destinations," said Neko Grant, Minister of Tourism and Aviation, "And in the spirit of friendly competition that is common in the tourism industry, we will seek to draw those visitors to our tropical paradise."

The new campaign plays on the similarities between the name of the country and the name of a well-known and largely reviled militant Muslim organization. Asked if his country was perhaps being insensitive to the concerns of Israel or other entities opposed to Hamas, Minister Grant said, "We did some focus group testing among pro-Israelis. It wasn't pretty. But I like the joke the ads make. It's kind of cute, don't you think? Perhaps we will do another later that targets the people of Israel. I'm just riffing here, but how about something like The Bahamas...Iz really fun!"

Previously in Fake Bahamian Tourism News
Bahamas Changes Name

Just When I Thought I Was Getting Better

Someone sent a routine email to the entire department this morning, to which I fired off ("Reply All," naturally) what I thought was a fun little moment of levity for the team. Then I get this from a coworker, who apparently thinks I'm a dick. I guess this thing is making the rounds of Corporate America this week. Ah, well. it's pretty funny anyway. Truth hurts, I suppose, but I'm not taking this drug.

Click for maxi-view

It's 3 AM, and Hope is For Fools

Spin to Win. What Senator Clinton is really saying in that 3AM ad, with the ominous voiceover, spooky music and Ms. Clinton appearing at perfect calm with this troubled world in the end, wearing her new Tina Fey smarty glasses.

I've had enough of the spin, so I put my own audio on Hillary's now famous/infamous ad.



DISCLAIMER: I'm not an Obamaton. I'm just an observer at this point.