Cut To The Chase

I've had it with all these male body spray / cologne ads that have for years suggested a little dab results in hot action. (See previous post.)

So I'm offering to sell a new line of body spray to any manufacturer willing to quit with the barely veiled innuendo and just tell it like it is. (Or rather, like they suggest it is.) Right up front, the name of the product will hold the promise that the wearer should ready himself for spontaneous stripping by hordes of beautiful women, who will beat one another for the honor of a moment of passion with him. We will, of course, as all the other colognes do, suggest that the women can stop bickering and simply share him, two or three at a time.

We'll worry about the actual fragrance later. Branding and Packaging always come first. With this name alone, we will make a serious impact on the body spray market.

The pirate image is guaranteed marketing gold. Chicks dig pirates, and boys buying this (or getting their moms to buy it for them) will fancy themselves dashing and dangerous rogues.

We'll make a killing.

I'm serious.

Man's Stinky Cheeks Invite Rape by Woman

And now, a Friday Flashback. (flashback, flashback, flashback)

The year - I don't know. The agency - no idea. The product - High Karate "Gamesman" cologne or aftershave or toilet water or something.

Axe, Lynx, Tag, Old Spice, all ya'll - take note.

This is just as suggestive as anything the body sprays are putting out today. One major difference: the man is in his 40s, whereas today's stuff is aimed at teen boys and younger.

I wonder if "Caress the King" and "Kiss the Bishop" were euphemisms for anything back then.

Very Virile Viral

I've generally scoffed at attempts by agencies to create work on behalf of clients that they hoped would "go viral" - usually because I find the attempts weak and not worth forwarding to my friends or colleagues. I don't want to be thought of as the idiot who thought your lame "viral video" was worthy of wasting someone else's time on.

I'm going to change my tune this time and promote the viewing of Tribal DDB's mockumentary for the Philips' Bodygroom. It's well done, if you like comedy with lots of deleted swearing. The main actor, who reminisces about his old buddy from Coney Island, Frank "Furback" Sack, was a great find and carries the piece by himself. My only criticism is the extra cheese the host throws on. He's sort of the poor man's Bruce Campbell, who has perfected Smarm Charm™ for Old Spice. (Of course I think all these guys steal from Bill Murray.)

This is the kind of stuff I wish I could work on. A client willing to give a project like this the go ahead is a pretty cool client. But will it sell Bodygrooms? That'll be hard to measure - and that's why the industry is in the crazy state it's in. I suppose if this thing gets a million views this month and Philips sees a simultaneous spike in Bodygroom sales, they can assume Tribal DDB talked a bunch of guys into manscaping.

Heard about this from Steve at AdRants.

Job Search Stock Photgraphy

My local ad fed uses this image on their job link board. I don't belong, but looking is free, and everytime I've gone there, this little girl playing grownup as she waits for an interview bugs me. Maybe it's the smug way she reads the Wall Street Journal. Maybe it's the possessive way she guards her little briefbag full of important stuff. Maybe it's those military issue shoes and matching socks. Maybe it's her emo glasses. Maybe she represents that young, naïve competitor who is going to seriously underbid me on starting salary. Or maybe I just hate contrived stock photography.

Pay Per Post

Previously in Stinky Marketers and Their Diabolical Schemes.

The Illusionist Strikes Again

"Your merchants were the world's great men. By your magic spell all the nations were led astray."

Ever notice how Steve Jobs always does photos with that piercing David Copperfield/David Blaine face? The guy's a damned hypnotist - and if you camp out in a line for his new phone, you deserve to have it blow up in your ear.

The "Why the Hell?" Angle

Over at Make the Logo Bigger, one of the writers of the new Ask.com giant musical production ads, John Reid, says, "The spots are all about getting a super-rich experience no matter how obscure the thing you're searching for is. Hopefully, that explains the "why the hell?" question."

So we get Chicks with Swords and Kato Kaelin. Obscure, sure, but how effective? Are people now searching at Ask.com and abandoning Google? And go ahead and do an image search for "Chicks with Swords" over at Ask.com and see if you find the "experience" to be "super-rich."

"Why the hell" works when you're selling burgers, and I personally enjoy the Western Whopper moustache ads that CP+B has been putting out. I am also one of the few who really liked Peter Stormare as the evil German doctor unpimping rides for VW. But you can't do "why the hell" for everything. And when you're the distant 5th place search engine, just ahead of the "other" category, you simply can't do "why the hell" and expect people to jump brands, especially when one of those brands has such a huge share of searchers and rolls out free, useful products every week.

A few months ago, Ask.com tried some stuff in the UK that backfired, pretending to get all revolutionary, guerilla and underground, complete with red berets. The backlash happened because, in the words of one disappointed dupe, "I thought this may be an informative Web site about how information is used on the Internet. Instead I discover it's just a cheap ploy for an inferior search engine."

But I think that UK campaign went for the right angle: Google rules the world and people should revolt. CP+B needs to scare the public. Make them think Google is installing cameras in their bedrooms and watching their credit cards. Make them think Google is holding on to records of every search ever performed and waiting for the right time to use the information against them. Portray Google as jackbooted thugs disguised as flower children. Hell, turn them into evil alien personal information Nazis out to rule the universe.

You can't do that hip wink and a nudge stuff for every product and service you work for, CP+B. Your client is in 5th place and you're giving us Kato Kaelin? Come on, I know you people are smarter than this.

A Little Late There, Priceline

Back in April, Angela at AdRants posted about the new campaign within a campaign for Priceline. William Shatner, in his recurring role as the Priceline Negotiator, gets himself a falcon sidekick called the Falcon of Truth. Shatty also sports an eyepatch, because as The Shat explains, "Tiniest fib, goes right for the eye." He proceeds to get a rental car from a desk clerk, who doesn't get her eye gouged out, which we assume means she actually did get His Shatness the best deal on a rental car.

So that was April. Priceline also offered the first 100 people who signed up a free Falcon of Truth t-shirt. Since I can never have enough free grungy yardwear with weird imagery on it, and since I'm a steadfast believer in the Power of The Shat to sell stuff, I signed up.

This morning (two and a half months later) a FedEx truck rolls up to my door delivering my Falcon of Truth t-shirt. I had totally forgotten the thing - not to mention the campaign. Two and half months is a lifetime when you're trying to create buzz for something.

So you launch this campaign in mid April, run about one spot a couple of times, throw up a companion website complete with the obligatory wallpapers, screensavers, giant downloadable images of Fat Shat in all his rotund and ridiculous glory, MP3s and even ringtones, and then you abandon it? (Yes, falcon ringtones.)

But wait, there's more! They even gave us B-roll footage and "the making of the Negotiator spots" behind the scenes action!

And yet a search for "Falcon of Truth" at Google video still yields nothing. (It's up at lesser video sites.)

You had a good thing going here and then you let it die, Priceline. A few people tried to get the ball rolling, but it never took off like it should have. The notion of a falcon who detects lies and gouges out eyes has great comic possibilities. I see David Spade as a smarmy ticket agent rolling on the floor in agony after the Falcon has at him. As it is, if I ever wear this t-shirt, I'll have to go into a long explanation of just who the Falcon of Truth was.

"Way back in April of '07, Priceline tried to do a viral thing that never took off. See, Falcon of Truth was the sidekick to the Priceline Negotiator and if the falcon detected a lie, he'd....nevermind. It's just a t-shirt."

We're an Airline! And We Have Aeroplanes!

Since I just completed a series of dreadful flights to and from one of the most inaccessible airports in the world, (Austin) I thought I'd dig up some old airline advertising. These two spots are dreadful in their own ways, pitched to two very different regional audiences in America during roughly the same time period. What both these commercials have in common is a horrible jingle stinger to end them, as it was advertising law in those days that everything needed a jingle package.

Wowing the Backwoodsmen with Flying Machines
Now defunct, Ozark Airlines used this unique angle in an old commercial: "You will be flying on a real, honest to goodness aeroplane that we bought from a real aerosmith named Douglas. And did you know, when you travel on an aeroplane, you will save time?"



Swinging America: Drink, Dance and Hook up with Winking Chicks
The sophisticated traveler of yesteryear required another approach, so here we have super-hip and also defunct National Airlines bringing us to Miami with their Go-Go sale, where you can dance in the surf in your blazer. Smell the possibilities.



SEXIST ALERT: I really don't need commenters here representing a feminist viewpoint chiding me for objectification of women, but something's been puzzling me. Whatever happened to pleasant and pretty flight attendants? Now they're all cranky old ladies or way-too-happy guys.

Not Far From Austin...

...is the largest military installation in the free world. We were out in Texas for a change of command ceremony for my brother in law. The military knows how to put on a production, and this one was well done. Inspiring, no matter your political affiliation or stand on Bush and the Iraq war. We all agree on the vague notion of "Support the Troops," but watching one of these things can almost make you shave your head and become one.

(Monster full-sized pictures when you click.)

New and Improved - But Not Really

I guess the neighbors complained about the horrendous signage that went up locally. (Previously reported.)

So the Certified Association Management Company decided to "go green" and eco-friendly, changing the red on the sign to a more environmentally conscious blue-green.

Now, if we could get rid of Divorced White Mom, Soulpatch Hipster Guy, Young Hispanic Lady and Faded Black Man in this imaginary quartet of stock photography office staff, we'd be getting somewhere.

They are still, as noted by HighJive on the previous post, Certified Asses.

He Don't Feel Like You Do

Say what you will about Peter Frampton, who rocketed to international fame in a matter of weeks in the 70s and plummeted even faster, but the man knows how to deal with a heckler, as demonstrated in this video. Frampton points to an audience member, saying, "Fuck you" three times - in song.

I've always thought someone should use Frampton's talkbox in an ad.



(Yes, I know many guitarists used the talkbox before him.)

Half a Century of Plastic Flatball

It's not a game; it's a lifestyle.

Via Archeress comes news that the Frisbee® is 50. I think there may even be a rare picture of the elusive Copyranter over at her blog. Could be wrong, but that guy looks just pissed enough to be him.

Here's my dog, Roman, after a successful catch earlier this year, momentarily distracted by one of the flea-bag cats from next door.

Man Searches for Xena Porn with Success

CP+B have to work for Ask.com, the struggling search engine in a very distant 5th place to Google, Yahoo, MSN and AOL, just ahead of the "other" category. In typical CP+B fashion, they do the work big, weird, and self-aware, reaching for the porn image searcher market (the man searches for "chicks with swords") in this over-the-top, grandiose Broadway Spectacular.

Keep doing show tunes and you're gonna stay in 5th, Ask. Might wanna bring back Jeeves soon.

Watch at your own risk.



Note to anonymous commenter (whose comment was deleted) who wrote, "Not sure how women wearing clothes while holding swords is equivalent to porn...I guess some people have nothing better to do then be strangely offended by nothing at all."

No one is offended by the "porn," which is merely suggested and not actual. (Do I need to tell you what a "sword" is? Here you go. See also the Wayne's World entry on Wikipedia. Look for the word "Schwing!") The "offense" is the spot itself. I just happen to hate musicals. I also hate commercials that rely on giant productions to sell services no one uses. Sorry. And I'll bet you worked on the spot or you work at Ask.com. Please read the disclaimer at the bottom of this blog.

Can't We All Just Get Along?

Gator and Turtle say "Yes!"

Not exactly the lion laying down with the lamb, but worth grabbing the camera for as I nurse my 24 oz coffee from 7-11 this morning.

Fred is Dead

Not literally, but he laid his blog to rest yesterday. It was a sad day for ad blogging, as Fred often posted amusing insights about more than just ads and the ad world. The author will live on at Hands Across the Porch and No Joe Girls, among other places.

I found Freelance Fred through George Parker, which is basically how the incestuous blog world works. You hit a link on one blog's comments or sidebar and find another blogger who posts stuff you like to read. Fred went out in style, buying a 20 oz steak at an Atlanta area strip club and reviewing it for his readers.

Move On, America. It Was Only a TV Show

The discussion over the ending of The Sopranos has now reached the Op-Ed pages, with Maureen "The Dowdy" Dowd comparing Tony Blair's exit from British politics to the ending of that show. I have the benefit of never having become addicted to the show, so I don't care one lick how the writers either A) let everyone down or B) ended the series in a brilliantly inspired way. (Any series that ends with a Journey song is not very inspired, as far as I'm concerned.) People are comparing The Sopranos to Shakespeare. I'd rather watch Tiny Ninja Theatre doing Shakespeare. Besides, you know poor James Gandolfini needs to shake that image in the interest of continuing his career. And it might take forever to shake that image. Think of Bob Denver as Gilligan, wearing that goofy sailor hat until he died.

The show that replaces The Sopranos is John from Cincinnati. I know "replaces" is utter blasphemy to many a Sopranos fan, but give it a try. In fact, give it two tries, as the writing is excellent and the acting better than most. I had to watch it twice just to get all the dialog, as many characters are spitting out some pretty briliant lines that I wanted to catch again. I'm a little predisposed to become a fan of this show, as I am familiar with it's setting, Imperial Beach, ("The Most Southwesterly City in the US") California. Sort of a nasty, slutty stepsister to cooler places like Mission Beach, Ocean Beach and Pacific Beach, San Diegans don't much like to hang out there as it's got a reputation for pollution and no class, being the last American city on the West Coast and neighbor to Tijuana. (And I knew a person who knew a person who found a giant cockroach in a burger purchased in IB.)

HBO's companion site to promote the show is a little weird and hard to figure out, but then so is the show. (Use the search box. Go ahead and type in your favorite cuss words.) Critics are calling John from Cincinnati "weirder than Twin Peaks" (which is complete bullshit) and struggling to make sense of it. Again, it's a TV show, and while that may pass for high art in our culture, I'm sure writers David Milch and Kem Nunn will tell you they are not Shakespeare.



UPDATE & BONUS DISCOVERY: HBO is offering a sneak view of Episode 2 through "HBO on Demand," a pretty killer service (if you have HBO) that amounts to an "extras" feature on a DVD. Not just teasers of Episode 2, but the whole episode. HBO isn't "officially airing" this show until Sunday, but you can watch it now. No promos for it on the channel, no plugs on the website. Nothing. Word of mouth. F-ing testimonial, baby. I watched it. It's good.

Disclaimer: I'm not on HBO's blogging payroll. Yet.

Marriage Counselor Headphones

I generally believe that the power of the testimonial in advertising (for certain items) can be effective. Regular people extolling the virtures of some product or service are just more believable than some smooth or smarmy voiceover talent reading the carefully crafted prose of some bitter, dark-souled, lying copywriter. It's just an older form of what has come to be known as "word of mouth marketing." But Darlene and Jack B. of California take it one step beyond in this ad for TV Ears, a gadget for people who can't hear their TVs.

Darlene: Jack used to keep the TV up so loud, I was damn near ready to stab him. Or at the very least, leave him.
Jack: I used to keep the TV up so loud so I could hear the damned dialog over Darlene's incessant cackling. Man, she howls like a drunk fratboy watching Jackass 2, even when the jokes are formulaic and stupid.
Darlene: The only thing TV Ears can't fix is the sound of Jack chewing popcorn. Since he can only hear the TV now, he smacks and slurps like a frickin' goat - and he doesn't even know he's doing it.
Jack:Thanks, TV Ears, for preventing our marriage from ending tragically.
Darlene: Yes, or ending in a bloody homicide/suicide. We never even have to talk anymore. It's wonderful.

Scanned from Atlantic Monthly

Babylon and On

When you take the phrase, "Mr. President, it would be my distinct honor to host you and your lovely wife for cocktails at my cottage later this evening." and translate it at Babel Fish into Russian, it becomes, as we all know, "Господин Президент, было бы моей определенной почетностью для того чтобы хозяйничать вы и ваш симпатичный супруга для коктеилов на моем коттедже более поздно этот вечер." Take that in Russian and translate it back to English, and we get, "Mr. prezident, would be my specific honor in order to boss you and your likable of husband for the cocktails on my cottage is more late this evening."

The Internet is Cool

So I'm reading Copyranter, and a guy named David comments that one of CR's posts reminds him of a brutal review in the New York Press of a Chuck Klosterman book. I finish the review determined never to read a single word Chuck Klosterman writes, which probably isn't fair to Mr. Klosterman, but the reviewer makes a great case. The review mentions that Klosterman is from North Dakota. I recalled having skewered that state's tourism promotion a few posts back, calling the state "flat." Being the responsible, fact checking journalist that I am, I wanted to verify that assumption after the fact by finding some pictures of North Dakota using the fairly reliable Google image search.

Which lead me to these glimpses of life as a North Dakota Dairy Princess. The woman on the right in the first photograph wears the shameful sash of "Alternate Dairy Princess," but she still got to be a booth babe at the all you can drink ice cold milk booth.

To view the North Dakota Dairy Princess rules, click here.

To view the North Dakota Dairy Princess application form, click here.

To view the North Dakota Dairy Princess scholarship application, click here.

Applications are due by July 1. Good luck to all of you.

And the state does look pretty flat in a lot of parts.

Rocket to the Moon and Race Right Back

...To my holograph room and my new jetpack.

I'm on record as not being a huge fan of NASA, but that doesn't stop me from enjoying a little Friday evening shuttle launch in the backyard now and again. I visited the Space Center once. Pretty dull, to be truthful. But a shuttle launch is something to see, even from 70 miles away.




Previously in NASA related.

Meanwhile, over at Wolff-Olins

The firm responsible for the London 2012 Olympics logo is hard at work trying to fix the public backlash. They've got a brand new website, and apparently they have people searching the blogs like mad hounds, looking for negative comments and offering the new spin. An online petition against the logo that had well over 50,000 signatures has disappeared. A new petition in support of the logo has appeared. (under 300 signatures in 2 days.)

A commenter on this blog suggested that controversy equals success. That sort of "any press is good press" line is pure crap.

The Scent That Sets Her Apart

There's a Lesson in Here Somewhere

Been watching this scene in my backyard the last few days. Two lizards, one inside the porch and the other outside, have been trying to hook up to either a) fight b) fornicate or c) discuss the creative direction over drinks. They're very dumb and haven't yet grasped that the screen is not going to give way.


















Caption at your own risk.

Livin' for The City

This shot was likely pre-planned by a Googlite and his girlfriend. "You wanna be famous, baby? I'll be near your house on 44th Ave. at about 10 AM. When you see the car with the funky thing on top, open the passenger door and show me your thong."

Now that the Google vehicles have traversed a few cities and given us street level views of the random and daily happenings of San Francisco, Miami, New York , etc. time to go watch the world here, where viewers with lots of time are compiling the offbeat and the mundane. I've noticed that images from NYC are always blurry when it comes to people on the street, while SF's images are remarkably clear.

All the outcry over "Big Brother" is a little overblown. These aren't live views. Yet. UPDATE: But it's true, as pointed out in the comments, that the criminally-minded now have a service with which to plan their upcoming misdeeds. No more shady stalking and looking suspicious while you map the best route into that home you're going to burglarize, that airport you're going to disrupt, the best grassy knoll near the motorcade route, etc.

Career Change - and Back Again

Billy Donovan, who led the Florida Gators to two consecutive national basketball titles, announced on Friday that he would be joining the Orlando Magic as head coach. By Sunday, he said he made a mistake and wants to stay at the University. I think these photos from Friday's press conference pretty well explain what happened.

The Hurl Heard Round the World

Here's what £400,000 and one year will get you. Being described by the London Olympic Committee as "ambitious, interactive and youth-friendly," this is the new logo for the 2012 Games. Quite a few people are hating this thing, designed by Wolf-Olins, whose creepy giant eye on their homepage suggests what sort of ambitious, youth-friendly people work there.

There's ambitious - and then there's shitty. And somewhere right now, the designer of this atrocity is really, really hurt and angry that the unwashed masses don't appreciate his/her "vision."

Calling on Bill Green to help out our English cousins and Make the Logo Better. Although I'm sure there are at least a million qualififed UK designers who would gladly sell the Olympic Committee a much better, much cheaper version.

1-800-Leave-Me-Alone

It was probably three Mother's Days ago when I made the mistake of sending flowers via the 1-800-flowers website. 10,000 spam emails later, I finally got around to opting out of the spam list and really hoped I could hold "ctrl" or "shift" and check both of these buttons.

A Lifetime of Privilege

Just a short drive from the Temple east on I-80 is Talisker Club at Deer Valley in Park City, Utah. It's like your own Celestial Kingdom, or at least it's heaven on earth. This is where you were meant to rejoice in all the goodness God has bestowed on you.

But let's be honest; good things have always come fairly easily to you. There's no doubt that you've worked hard, as your kind are known to do, but face it, you've enjoyed the benefits of a close-knit society that takes care of its own, not unlike the Masons. Or the Mafia.

You deserve a special place where your five blonde sons can learn the ancient ways of the privileged white man. You are a scoutmaster, a leader in your church, and your experimentations in polygamy and racism are nobody's business. Besides, you can afford it, and your wives and daughters are off shopping, skiing and sunning as they too, count their daily blessings.

Visit the website and watch the blindlingly white Flash slide show.

Scanned from the New York Times Sports Magazine, PLAY.

Quit Your Job and Buy a Harley

I think it's odd how the motorcycle manufacturer that now has gift shops in airports, its own line of designer beef jerky, huge movie endorsements, expensive clothing and "collectibles" all over its website, can still pretend to be the icon of rebellion.

"The man" didn't need quotation marks. And I'm not even sure what you want me to do here. If I don't have to spend a lifetime working for the man, then I guess you're appealing to my sense of entrepreneurship? Help me out here, Harley. Before I tell "the man" to "take this job and shove it" and ride off on a midlife crisis adventure with John Travolta and Martin Lawrence, do I sign up for the easy extended payment plan through Harley Davidson Financial Services?

You have become the man, HD. And your old brand position is no longer valid.

Previously in I hate Harleys.
Previously in Harleys Suck

Statements on States - Part II

Continuing in my quest to insult every state in the Union's tourism board, Where's My Jetpack? will now look at six more state tourism logos and slogans and offer an unqualified assessment of their efforts.

For this edition, I've chosen six states that you wouldn't necessarily think of as destination locations, yet they still employ people who are forced to extol the beauties and attractions of what are essentially boring places. It's tough to brand something that really can't be branded, and so before I set off mocking you, I want to make clear that I understand what you're up against.

Indiana: restart your engines
Are those skidmarks? I get it, "We're the home of the Indy 500, so we'll play on the whole car thing - and restart your engines will mean like, relax and rejuvenate...or something." But wait, aren't you also the home of John Cougar Mellencamp? That's why I can't go to your state.

North Dakota: LEGENDARY
A rugged Western font and a mysterious one-word slogan aren't enough to hide the fact that you are still North Dakota. Legendary flatness? Legendary blizzards? Legendary boredom? You are like the Saskatchewan of America. Good luck.

Kansas: as big as you think
Ah, the old shooting star and ribbony thing. You'll think Kansas is big as you drive across its flattened landscape, each mile feeling like ten miles. Outside the eastern edge of the state, it's pretty much bleak prairie, where you might find yourself thinking about farming, appreciating what farmers do, and thanking God you aren't a farmer.

Iowa: life| changing
Seeing a trend here with the lower case slogans? Iowa adds a pipe to make themselves all webby. It's one of those cutesy double meaning slogans that says "Iowa will change your life" and "Life is changing in Iowa - it won't always be this bad." Nice effort considering what they're trying to sell.

Nebraska: possibilities...endless
In other words, "nowhere to go but up", or "when life gives you nebraska, make nebraska-ade." No thought went into this design, which I'm guessing is a stalk of wheat falling over to cross the A's. Slogan...weak. Idea...half-baked. But I'm not being fair in singling out these easily mocked breadbasket state tourism efforts.

Delaware: It's good being first.
This is pretty much Delaware's only claim to fame. "We were first." Delaware has no national parks, national seashores, national historic sites, national battlefields, national memorials, or national monuments. But they were first, and they made a blue button out of that fact and trademarked the slogan. Might be better to just bill themselves as "real close to many of the east coast's better attractions," or "not as small as Rhode Island."

I will be happy to have all of my biased misconceptions and arrogant assumptions corrected by any of these states that would be willing to fly me (first class) to their state, put me up in nice accommodations and show me around. I'll need some spending cash and a rental car, too.

Statements on States - Part I