Modern Love

Yeah, I'm having too much fun with xtranormal.

Ian and Bethany were introduced by a mutual friend on Facebook. They decided to meet in person at the mall.

Social Media Lunch

I finally heard about xtranormal, the site that allows you to make little movies. It's got some bugs, and the voices aren't the best, but it's a lot of fun. My first effort below. My apologies in advance to any gurus out there who might feel offended by this. Actually, I take that back. I'm not sorry at all. The guru/ninja in this video will be known as Richard Head.

Can Your Yahoo! Do That?

When I used to visit my grandfather when I was a kid, I'd usually make my way to what we called "the way, way back yard" where he had a couple of sheds. One housed his model trains, the other his tools and projects. In the latter were also old boxes of magazines, mostly LIFE magazine, and I could sit in the musty heat for hours and skim through them, reading articles and looking at pictures. It was fun to find out what a reviewer thought of an old movie when it was new, or how some old music I currently liked was being discussed as some sort of cultural sea-change upon its release twenty years earlier. Wars long over were being reported on in the now, and it was like time travel for me. Advertisements were great fun to look at as well, the styles, designs and fashions once cutting edge now laughable, viewed from the future.

Grandpa died and I was always sorry I didn't make it out to California for the funeral. I would've liked to have visited the old house on Del Mar Avenue one more time, with its brick driveway and deep lot, the odd yet pleasant smell when you walked in the front door, the furniture, like those magazine ads, passed by time and now somehow retro-chic. And I probably would've requested of my aunt, who was managing his affairs after he passed, that I be able to lug those boxes of LIFE magazines back home, to sit in my garage or attic, waiting to be pored over again from time to time, an archeological treasure for an amateur historian.

I haven't been back to Chula Vista in years, but I've seen Grandpa's old house on Google Street Views. The brick driveway has been replaced by concrete, the ivy that made up his front yard replaced by grass. The big swinging gate he made at the end of the driveway, leading to the first part of his three-sectioned back yard, is gone. Someone replaced the louvre windows in the front of the house. The roof, once peppered with white rocks in some 1960s architect's idea of stylish cool, is now just a regular roof. From the aerial view, it's obvious that someone didn't like the idea of three small back yards divided by banana trees and lattice work, and has turned it into a deep lot of grass. I think they even cut down the weeping willow that stood near the two sheds in the way, way back.

But the LIFE magazines are now in my hands again, thanks to Google. The only thing missing is the musty smell of California dirt and dust in the late afternoon of a dimly lit shed. And the sound of Grandpa yelling my name from the first or second back yard to come wash up for dinner.

I am Wolf-Boy, Hear me Howl

Retro ad time.

The old "Dude, be a man!" angle applied to the car that has always attracted men with insecurities. This one attempts to mock the dolts who drive sedans, station wagons and economy cars. Original copy, mostly. I've edited the third column.

Enhance the length and girth of this image

Previously in "I'm not a Corvette fan":

The Artificial Male Enhancer since 1953.

I'm Guessing It Was The Client's Idea

Dog, little girl, goofy costumes. This local car dealer is loading up on local car dealer stereotypes.

My Ideal Business Card

One of my first friends in the "social media space" was Fred Leo, known to Twitter users as @everysandwich. Fred asked me to do a short VO for him last week. Since it was raining today and any outdoor plans got scrubbed, I sat down and knocked it out. It was fun and reminded me I need to get back to that kind of work one of these days. But I also need to write more songs. And get a giant trailer full of cool lawn gear and do some anonymous guerrilla landscaping. Maybe get back into the podcasting game. And mass produce a cheap land paddle. And sell a novel. And write another one. And other stuff.

One of these days.

Locals Only: The Space That Eats Pizzerias

Just a short bike ride up the hill from Casa de Jetpacks, across the street from the Baptist church that flashes damning messages on its marquee to the local heathens, is a small cluster of shops that includes a grocery store, a dog groomer, a dance studio, a pharmacy, a Subway, a pool supply store, a liquor store, a Wendy's, a veterinarian, a convenience store and a hair salon. There is also a space apparently reserved just for pizzerias. In the six years I have lived in the area, it has been Anthony's, Antonio's, Alberto's and Victorio's. Each of these incarnations billed themselves as a "Ristorante/Pizzeria" with some sort of claim to "New York Style." I suspect the names were made up, since Alberto's was owned by a Serbian who employed Czech and Ukrainian waitresses and a Bolivian chef, but they played the Italian stereotype thing well. For many months in any given year, the space stands empty, daring the next entrepreneur to make a go of it. Christopher has accepted the challenge.

Like some modern day Arthur, Christopher is hoping to extract the fabled profit from this hard rock of a location where many other brave restaurateurs have failed. He is convinced that he alone is the One True King of Pizza who will rise above the countless "New York Style" pizzerias that pepper every strip mall in Florida. I really hope Chris makes it work. We tried his offerings last night and it was the exact same food the previous pizza pretenders created, the usual fare associated with such places; veal Marsala, eggplant Parmesan, fried calamari, pizza and pasta. They delivered. It was good.

While he has apparently simply made copies of the previous restaurants' menus, there is one thing Chris is doing differently that should work in his favor. I stopped in on the way home from work to grab a menu, and to my surprise there were no Chianti bottles on the tables with dripping candles stuck in them. I didn't see any "We Will Never Forget" 9/11 posters. There were none of those poorly painted Tuscan landscapes or faux brick windows adorned in painted vines and grapes. I didn't hear Frank "The Wank" Sinatra in the overhead music. No pictures of Stallone, Dean Martin, Pacino or De Niro. No Sopranos, no Godfather and no old Empire State license plates hanging on the walls.

Good luck, Christopher, if that's your real name.

Previously in Locals Only.

You Know Who

George Parker has a few words to say about Yahoo!'s attempts to come back from the dead. Bill Green has a few as well. (Bill also weighs in on AOL's similar attempt.)

I'm probably not the fairest judge since I was an "early adopter" of Google back in the 90s. I simply liked the clean interface. It was a search engine and that's all I wanted. Now it's so much more, but it's still a great search engine. They quietly added the whole "home portal" bells and whistles with iGoogle, but you can still click on "Classic Home" to get that look that takes you back to a simple search.

AOL? How do they shake the whole "Grandma's on-ramp to the Information Superhighway" image they've dug for themselves? I know two people who use AOL, and they are on dial-up. Even the little yellow man has been co-opted by Google.

Yahoo!? Wow. Just as tough. That exclamation point was so "crazy wild" back in dotcom '96. So irreverent, so "nutty." Now? So silly. So stupid. You could make the case that the name Google is just as dumb, but it's now a verb. (Yahoo! tried to duplicate that success with their failed campaign, "Do you Yahoo!?") Go to Yahoo! now and they're begging you with pop-ups to add your favorites to the site. The page has a pleading, desperate feel, like any local newspaper's website or the countless identical sites of local TV stations. "We want to be your place to find cars, jobs, weather, news, casual hookups, horoscopes, lottery numbers, email, travel, music." They want to be your homepage, the first place you see when you fire up your machine. That's a lot to ask. Sure, Yahoo!'s Flickr is good, but other than that, I've got no reason to be there.

Yahoo! might pick off some old AOL customers, and maybe some old Yahoo! devotees will try out AOL, but most of us have decided what we like at this point, and any "rebrand" is easily detected for what it is; a desperate attempt to be relevant again. Bing? I'm not even interested. MSN was never a player in this game. "Try it! It's great!" people tell me. No. I like what I use. What's that you say? They have a cool background image that changes? Well then, since you put it that way!

Is Google a monopoly? Pretty much. But I'm not jumping to a competitor in the interest of thumbing my nose and playing the rebel. Google was the new kid long ago, and I like how they've grown. Smart moves, savvy business and a product that delivers a lot for nothing.

And rather than painstakingly creating the silly logo at top in P-shop, I just went to this easy site.

Beware All Ye Who Enter

Word Verifications Gone Wild

Although, I'm not sure "Ethel" is your best choice when it comes to stripper names.

Back Before Match.com

It's not nice to make fun of someone's sad and lonely life, but it's hard not to laugh at this video.

Via @stephenlundberg

Social Media Crash Course

Grow th!s comic biggR for her pleazure!

Expect it To Sell

A couple of teaser screen-grabs from a video teasing the new MINI coupe and convertible. The styling is faithful to the original, but infinitely cooler. Must be nice to work on this account. Unveiling soon at the Frankfurt Motor Show.


Seen at AdRants.

Image is Everything. Image is Nothing.

Chatting with Bill Green this afternoon and the phrase "image is everything" worked its way into the conversation.

Andre Agassi, when he had hair, showing off his body for Canon.



Sprite answers with some actors playing actors:



And answers again with a model, showing off her body. Or maybe this is a spoof. I dunno.

None Dare Call it Astroturfing

A Li'l Bigger

Actual signs from the Glenn Beck, Dick Armey, Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Fox News inspired "march on Washington" on Saturday. See more signs here.

Grass roots, my ass. And please quit with the inflated crowd estimates. Media outlets are saying between 60 and 70 thousand showed up. Organizers of the event claim 1.5 million. That's a pretty huge discrepancy. Of course, those media outlets are "mainstream," aren't they? Can't believe them.

"Angry Mob" set is from McPhee.

Futureman Reveals The Secret to Success

Enhance the length and girth

Blink and The Moment is Gone

It's a fast-paced pop culture out there. What is that stupid German word? Zeitgeist? Yeah, that.

Your Sunday Evenin' Makin' Dinner Music Video

I've always contended that Austin-based Bob Schneider just needs to rebrand and he'd do better. His name is too close to B-list "comedian" and Adam Sandler bud Rob Schneider. Unless someone tells you, "Hey, you shoud listen to this Bob Schneider CD," there's nothing in his "brand" that would cause you to give him a listen. Word of mouth marketing is great, but it only takes you so far. Bob's name doesn't jump at you like "Kid Rock" or "Jay-Z" or even (yes, I'm going to say it) "Kajagoogoo." It's a hindrance. Too common. C'mon, Bob, step it up. Ditch the family pride and get a new name. This song is called "Cap'n Kirk."



A better song (and a really lame fan video) is Big Blue Sea.

Your Trade-In as Downpayment, Liberal Credit Terms

No, not cars. Refrigerators. "See your GE dealer," says the affable spokesman. The spokeswoman is equally friendly and the pair give off a mysterious and almost creepy vibe, like they're going to cut you into little pieces and store you in their new refrigerator that they love so very much. I enjoy the cadence of the old way of speaking. She even says, "none at all" as if "at" and "all" are one word. You almost want to join them for mint juleps on the veranda of an evening, perhaps come summer. They will most certainly offer us cigarettes, as that is the proper and polite custom when entertaining company.

Beyond the fun of the time travel this ad provides, the spot reminds me that Americans have been "living beyond their means" for a long, long time.

Accidentally came upon this while trying to find a GE spot from last night's game that deviated from the usual GE commercial. Employees goofily singing and not staring at the camera in that "so proud to be a GE employee" way. Wait, that's Boeing's template. Whatever. This is more fun.

There is No Escaping Dan Marino

Especially not in South Florida, where his near misses at bringing Miami a championship are still rewarded with all kinds of spokesman deals, including the amusing juxtaposition of Hooter's and Viagra. He does car dealerships, jewelry stores, and to get to Dolphin Stadium, you will likely have to travel on Dan Marino Boulevard. Of course he's also one of a few national spokesmen for some weight loss meal deal and you can't avoid him on the weekends if you watch football. I don't know, he's always struck me as kind of...dickish.

Brett Favre, pay attention. Marino has paved the way for retired QBs who can't leave the spotlight. When you finally realize (again) in Minnesota that the glory is gone, you can still bask in the afterglow for decades to come, if you so choose. But maybe you'll be different. An equally talented QB who goes by the name of Dan who also doesn't have a Super Bowl ring (and who keeps a much lower profile) is Dan Fouts. (Not that he hasn't tried to boost that profile, apparently.)

Here in Orlando, all three Florida teams compete for our loyalty. We've got no team, so we get to be fairweather fans. We are encouraged to drive to Tampa to see the Bucs. Jacksonville is not so far away either and the Jags would love our money. And now I'm seeing Dolphins billboards on my way to work, encouraging me to drive down to Dolphin Stadium to watch the fish play.

What's that? It's now Land Shark Stadium? Oh, God. No.

Oh, well. All the more reason to go with one of the team's original name ideas, The Sharks.

Miami Sharks. Think about that rebranding opportunity, Miami. That name kicks the shit out of Jaguars and Buccaneers any day. You could get the uncommitted and coveted I4 Corridor football fan with a brand like that. We've got a trio of shitty teams to choose from. Make us want it.

The Bluegrass State Grilled Chicken Treated Humanely

If only we could see the future. Poor KFC.

Clickin' for Finger Lickin'

Stay In School, Tommy

Class: We are about to watch a message from the government about being a good citizen in school. If anyone does not wish to watch this film, you are excused if you have a note from your parents. Some of your parents have sent me angry letters accusing me of wanting to indoctrinate you into a strange ideology and change your way of thinking because of this film. Personally, and this is only my opinion, kids, some of your parents are really retarded.

I'm sorry. I meant "severely mentally handicapped."



Did you catch that part at the end about multiculturalism? The Italian girl does a folk dance? Fuckin' commies!

Post #1500. Now What?

I started this blog in July, 2006. I was a partner at a "new media agency" at the time and our company blog was fast becoming nothing more than a series of links and shout-outs to conferences or inane, mundane industry news. I always tried to make my posts on that blog interesting, but they'd quickly be buried by a colleague whose psychotic desire to get our blog a better Technorati ranking consumed his every waking moment, to the point that he was posting 20 times a day. In frustration, I created this one.

That agency, much like Technorati, is a relic of a bygone era, when blogs mattered and people who "surfed the net" were fond of something they used to call "bookmarks." SEO was still 50% legit and the MySpace Exodus was yet to come. Then RSS feeds got popular. Then Twitter took off. Technorati is about as accurate a barometer of a blog's popularity anymore as Dane Cook is capable of making me laugh; which is to say, not very. But at least Technorati is still in business. That defunct agency suffered a Biblical meltdown at the very hands of the above-mentioned colleague, who now goes about to small-circuit meet-ups and clubs, touting his amazing Social Media Ninja skills. "You need to blog with regularity. Set up a Twitter account. Monitor talk of your brand or company. Become the expert in your field. Blah blah zzzzz" (You thought I arrived at my social media disdain by being a skeptical observer? No, I have seen the dark side.) Did that sound bitter? I know. I'm working on it. I'll credit the gurus their tenacity and inventiveness, having built personal brands based on pure bullshit.

I believe in social media, but I don't think it requires a big bucks consultant to tell you what to do. It might require an intern to maintain a Facebook page, update your Twitter feed and have the authority to respond to talk of your brand. Keep in mind that when you use social media to spam or intrude, (otherwise known as "sales") you fail. That's why the kids left MySpace and will keep creating new and hidden ways of communing away from the marketers. It's a customer service tool and a buzz generator...and little more. Don't count on big ROI, none that you can accurately measure, anyway. That's why you put an intern on it. There is very little investment. Any return will be positive talk of your brand that outweighs the negative talk. You go on and figure out how that translates into "conversions." I'm not interested. It comes down to taking care of the small stuff, which anyone in business since the moneychangers in the Temple will tell you is often rewarded by the Holy Grail of Sales - repeat business. Now you know all you need to know about using social media for your business. Be careful out there.

Anyway (damn, wasn't expecting to go off on social media), this arbitrary milestone of 1,500 posts in a little over three years (about 1.5 per day) has me pondering "the next step." (You know, like Bowie or Madonna, always reinventing.) I sometimes see this blog as a burden, as have the authors of many of my favorite reads in recent years, disappearing without a word or sometimes announcing the end with finality. Wordpress and Blogger (and Posterous and Tumblr and Facebook and MySpace and LiveJournal and Friendster) are littered with the skeletons of long-dead blogs. "It's one more thing to keep up with when we have plenty to do already," they've noted. I know the feeling.

But whenever I entertain the notion of quitting this thing, I end up going back to why I started blogging to begin with. I need to create, maybe bounce stuff off of others. (The whole "conversation" thing.) Its likely because my job, like many of yours, is a maddening exercise in kissing ass and shutting up, keeping a sharp eye peeled for the next bus someone wants to throw us under. We blog to vent, to entertain ourselves and maybe a few others, and to do the things we want to do that advertising and marketing won't ever allow. Nobody promised us a work-life that satisfied. That's why they call it work. We get a paycheck. We try to do our best. We can't forget that while we may have entered the "creative" side for loftier reasons, we aren't here to make art, but to make a living. Could my blogging time be used in a more productively creative way, like maybe woodworking or learning a new language? Absolutely. And I might just start building Spanish Adirondack chairs someday.

And like most of you, I've got bigger plans for a vast media empire with a hidden agenda that I hope to control someday from a huge tower, where I will issue edicts and proclamations across my vast realm as I recline in grotesque luxury, eating the hearts and brains of interns and washing them down with the blood of my rivals. (I probably won't be that big of a dick, having spent way too much time in the dirt of the trenches, eating shit.) Maybe for the time being, this blog just serves as the cornerstone of that empire. Or maybe it will only ever be the place where I dump the random stuff and one-off junk I feel like saying or doing. That'd be fine, too. It serves a purpose either way.

So, I think I just talked myself out of retiring this blog. Sorry.

Let's Run That By A Few More People

Leverage your mouse here for maximum impactfulness

My Turn To Do a Spec Ad for WWF

Mucho mas bigger

If The Beatles Can Sell Rock Band

Levi's is taking some heat for jumping on the death of Ted Kennedy as an excuse to put out a "tribute" ad.

I say let it be open season on Kennedy images. Such possibilities. Ray-Ban sunglasses, Italian yachts, or this classy ad for Converse that I just made.

Full size

Quick Diversion for Short Attention Spans

I'm a big fan of stop motion animation, but it can get old after awhile. I clicked "play" on this video expecting to bail out (like I usually do) after a few seconds. But the simplicity of the concept combined with the infectious sound of Choo Choo La Rouge's "Here Come the Guns" (the guitar-work has a definite Boston sound) made me watch it all the way through. I know I'm not the only one who looks at the total time on a YouTube video and makes an instant judgment based on the length. Thirty seconds to a minute? Sure, I'll watch. Over two minutes? Better be good. Over five minutes? Not watching.



Which reminds me of the trend of late where agencies throw crap up on YouTube and label it an "ad" or a "commercial" when it is really a long, self-indulgent "film" that could only air on YouTube. That's not an ad. That's a naked attempt to be "viral", which, as we all know, works best when it happens by accident. But you go on and listen to your social media consultant/guru who claims he can create a viral video for you that will be seen by millions. When you ask him how he thinks this will affect sales, listen carefully as he explains that it's not about sales, it's about "brand awareness." Everyone's going to be talking about your fake surfing video in the city river, then when they need a wetsuit or a surf-board, your name will be "top of mind."

Seen at Sullivan's blog.

More of my ill-informed opinions on viral here.