Marketers Will Tell You When to Drink

And since Cinco de Mayo is on a Monday this year, they've turned this weekend into "Cinco de Mayo Weekend." That's an extra day of beer sales! Just as Guinness wants you to celebrate "St. Patrick's Season," Corona, Dos Equis and Tecate are on the air with ads, along with Jose Cuervo, Patron and I'm sure a variety of salsa makers, urging you to party like a frat boy on Spring Break in Cancún, Mexico's most Americanized location. Or party like a Girl Gone Wild at Daytona Beach, one of Florida's skankiest beaches.

Cinco de Mayo is a celebration of Mexican heritage and pride, observed primarily in the US, and though the beer makers would have you believe it is Mexican Independence Day, that is just a very-well marketed myth that has served to increase beer sales. It's not a holiday in Mexico. It's a reason to party in America.

Dos Quis has trotted out their "Most Interesting Man in the World" ads again, and their website is a pretty interesting bunch of discoveries based on the character. The "Most Interesting Man" reminds me somewhat of Chris Christmas Rodriguez, an overly macho character who makes you laugh as he redefines what it means to be a man.


For Corona's part, they're sticking with the beach thing, where bottles and limes are the main focus and life is a very relaxed party for two. Their website is a vertigo inducing exercise in finding the usual objects like desktop backgrounds, commercials and pictures.


Tecate, sadly, is under construction. No "interacting with the brand" here. Nobody "experiencing" Tecate. This is also the only site that is bilingual. By their placeholder pictures, one can assume Tecate favors a futbol-loving culture.

And does anyone really think that requiring a visitor to enter their age on an alcohol website will keep minors from entering an alcohol website? Time to get rid of that ridiculous custom.

So wear a silly hat, make embarrassing mariachi noises and shake your maracas while you down plenty of Mexican beer and tequila. It'd be the American thing to do.

God Uses This Sauce

Again, here's an unpaid, unsolicited endorsement of a product from this highly cynical blogger. Mae Ploy Sweet Chili Sauce from Thailand. Tonight at Casa de Jetpacks, as evidenced by this picture, we dined on barbecued shrimp (charcoal is the only way to go, gas is just a stove outdoors) doused in Mae Ploy, available by typing "Mae Ploy Sauce" in your favorite search engine. I recommend it to anyone and would bet that it is served in Heaven, regardless of your religious persuasion.

Read my fake Pay Per Post about Mae Ploy Sauce

Locals Only: Goin' Tuscan

Part XI in a series on very local advertising

Again, as every week, the free pink ad thingy lands in the driveway. Here's a cover ad, half page, where the company's name is "Tuscany," because as we all know, if you lay down a Tuscan Tile in your home, you will be enjoy A Sunny Afternoon Feast spread out on a Big Oak Table Outdoors with a Rolling Hills Countryside Background while a Gentle Breeze Blows through a Renaissance Romance.

And who wouldn't want that in their home? Even if the tiles are mined from a quarry in Africa.

Previously in Locals Only
Previously in The Tuscan Trend^TM

The Podcast is Dead

Just don't tell Ken Fox, Strategist.

Click for a more strategic view










Previously in Ken Fox - Strategist:
Buy The Book - Attend the Seminar
Take it To The Next Level

Size is ALL That Matters

We Americans see everything in terms of ourselves, no matter where on the planet we may be. If we're going to travel to your country, for instance, we'd like to be sure there will be Coca-Cola, a Starbucks and of course, a McDonald's close at hand. Some American TV channels would be nice, too. And when we go to your country, we don't like to think in terms of kilometers or Celsius. Give us the conversion formulas so we understand the REAL distances and temperatures. (Kilometers x .6 = miles. An easy, if slightly inaccurate Celsius to Fahrenheit conversion is "double it and add 30.") And do us a favor: speak English.

And when we measure your country, we measure it against what we know. Don't talk to us about strength of the dollar vs. your currency. Don't talk to us about culture, history or how many years we might need to subdue your tiny country if we ever have to put you in your place.

The following comparisons come from the extremely comprehensive and very useful CIA World Factbook, a great resource. It gives us some comfort to know that, besides Russia, we've got most of you beat. Don't be insulted by these comparisons. Embrace them. Perhaps we can create a sister-state organization whereby, for example, Vietnam and New Mexico exchange ideas and cultural ambassadors.

• Denmark: slightly less than twice the size of Massachusetts
• Belgium: about the size of Maryland
• Germany: slightly smaller than Montana
• Greece: slightly smaller than Alabama
• UK: slightly smaller than Oregon
• Iraq: slightly more than twice the size of Idaho
• Afghanistan: slightly smaller than Texas
• Costa Rica: slightly smaller than West Virginia
• France: slightly less than the size of Texas
• Iran: slightly larger than Alaska
• Vietnam: slightly larger than New Mexico
• China: slightly smaller than the US
• Russia: approximately 1.8 times the size of the US
• Cuba: slightly smaller than Pennsylvania
• Kenya: slightly more than twice the size of Nevada
• Israel: slightly smaller than New Jersey
• Lebanon: about 0.7 times the size of Connecticut
• Saudi Arabia: slightly more than one-fifth the size of the US
• Switzerland: slightly less than twice the size of New Jersey
• Ghana: slightly smaller than Oregon
• Czech Republic: slightly smaller than South Carolina

Caffeine Nation

Starbucks has been getting pressure in recent years from the likes of Dunkin' Donuts, who mock the elitist coffee culture that is the Seattle-based chain, and even by McDonald's, who will now add the cream for you if you want, and offer their own sweet and fatty iced caffeine beverage. McD's takes an even more direct stab at Starbucks with their website promoting McCafes in Starbucks' home turf of Western Washington, Unsnobbycoffee. And I don't know how many noticed, but in the recent Will Ferrell comedy Blades of Glory, 7-11 had a coffee product placement in one scene.

So Starbucks is now trying to lure the regular coffee people over to one of their ubiquitous stores, those of us who don't speak Starbucks and still prefer to define cup sizes in terms of small, medium and large. They're doing it by offering, of all things, REGULAR COFFEE. (Example ad below.)

Ain't gonna work. As a regular coffee drinker, (maybe a dash of half and half, or if we're out of that, a splash of milk) when I'm not at home near my trusty Senseo coffeemaker and want a coffee, I will sooner drive through a McDonald's or pull into a 7-11 before I will darken the door of the Church of Starbucks. Starbucks devotees are cult-like, and a visit to a Starbucks by a regular coffee drinker is at the least an uncomfortable experience, usually leaving the regular coffee drinker feeling as though they've caved, fallen victim to the hype, and paid way too much for something that is worth about 50 cents.

Cold Call Carl - Volume I, No. 3

The only ones reading that new magazine dedicated to your niche industry are people in your niche industry.


Clickalicious






Previously in Cold Call Carl:
But it Really is Rocket Science
Tapping the Huge Revenue Stream

Now I Understand The Beauty of Linked-In

Received in my Linked-in mail this week:

I'm sure you don't remember me, but you gave me my first German beer. Our fathers were battalion commanders together in Giessen.

And there you have the power of social media and networking sites. Reminding you that one upon a time in junior high, you were passing out German beers to other kids.

Seven Other Places

Here are seven other places on the Internet you could be.

• Sometimes I think Drew at Married to the Sea does his comics on acid. Other times, weed. I think he did this one on weed. The acid ones aren't as funny.
• Is love blossoming between an AE and a creative? Or is someone about to be stalked?
• God has a special woman for you, and she's got big tits.
• Good intentions getting twisted into meaninglessness.
• From north of Bal'more comes something refreshing : an agency blog that doesn't suck.
• Those MLMers always get testy when you shut 'em down.
• A satirist rewrites Shakespeare in chav-speak, including "MacBeff" and "De Taming of de Bitch."

I'm Glad, I Guess

"What's the problem, officer?
"Your balls. They're illegal."

Here's the story
Here's what we're talking about, in case you've never seen them. They even come in camo.

And Now, a Word From William

If thou would but clicketh, the image most assuredly doth groweth

There is No "U" in "Team"

Now going on eight months as a freelancer in the giant nameless corporation's creative department. Here in CubeWorld^TM, we occasionally get to hear from the Ones Who Pull the Levers. One such occasion is at the end of a fiscal quarter. Big important email today, from which I have extracted and condensed for you the "key takeaways."

Dear Colleagues:

Strong presence. Thank you personally. Well ahead of expectations.

Express our mission. Key essentials. Go the extra step. Continued success for all. Execute against our essentials.

Financial levers. Deliver significant value. Distinctive, compelling brands. Long-term unit growth*. Unmatched global pipeline. Unlock the value of our portfolio. Continue to seek opportunities. Aggressive focus on controlling costs. Provide the foundation. Deliver market-leading returns. Continue to adjust our goals. Raise the low end of our guidance ranges.

Thank you, again. Future ahead continues to be bright. Look forward to continuing to work with you. Exceed our goals together.

All the best,
CEO man

*Heh. Heh-heh. He said "long-term unit growth."

So inspired was I by this communique, I had to create some motivational posters.

Music Break

I love this song and this video, old as it is. I completely disagree with the artist's theological point of view, but I love his vision and his words. And aren't we, as free-thinking, disagreeing, (post) modern, artistic humans supposed to be trying to find common ground?

I dare say I could buy Christopher Hitchens a beer and a shot right now, but I'm sure he'd probably be all disagreeable and demand a giant bowl of red wine instead. And I'd oblige and buy him the wine.

She'll Have the Grilled Cheese and Milk

Never mind the sickening music, which is based on that stupid Broadway musical thing that makes me want to rip my ears off. Never mind the costumes and production, which are based on that stupid Broadway musical thing that makes me want to rip my eyes out.

Listen to the message. If you take your wife along with you on business, she can fly at a discount. And when you get to the hotel, see if they'll let her stay for free. And make sure she orders from the kids menu when you go out to eat.

Copyranter Rises From The [Blogging] Grave

It appears I've preached a premature eulogy. But it took him five days instead of the customary three. Still, let the enemies of truth and all who defend the black art of advertising tremble. No shop is safe from his sword and few are the ads that escape his wrath.

Welcome back. May you make some cash.

The Church of Heineken - UPDATE

Heineken's Share the Good is up. Seems it's merely a place to show pictures of yourself holding a Heineken Premium Light. Wow. "Sharing the Good" apparently means "Buy someone a Heinie," which makes me wonder why the radio script included a reference to cleaning up trash at the docks. As brand websites go, it's nothing to write home about, though as Jessie Birks notes at AdRants, "I love their age verification treatment." I also like the dragable dial that takes you to other menu items.

I'm glad "Share the Good" isn't a religion as the radio ad hinted it might be. Those things just don't work. (SunChips has apparently modified their silly effort of last year called Live Brightly.) But all this turns out to be is a place to upload a picture of yourself holding a Heineken? Are people really that desperate to see themselves on a brand's website? Expect limited uploads, Heineken. OK, maybe they'll allow their images to be used if they're drinking free beer at a product launch party, as most of these people seem to be doing.

It's not exactly "I'd like to buy the world a Coke," but it's striving in that same direction.

Heineken has a history of creating tag lines that might be used in real life. Before I could (legally) drink, they had "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken," which was very catchy and I'm sure heard in bars the world over. I think "Share the good" might be heard at a frat party when someone walks in with a case of Heineken Premium Light and those holding more affordable beers cry out, "Share the good, bro!" And the guy with the Heinies answers, "Gimme $3 and I'll let you have one."

Sharing Some Good

Click image for full flavored freshness

On my way to work this morning I heard a somewhat labored and not fully fleshed-out radio ad in which the narrator implores the listeners to "share the good." He makes a vague reference to cleaning up garbage by the docks, sharing a beer and basically "doing your part." He mentions Heineken. He mentions a URL, "Sharethegood.com." And I'm thinking, "Please God, No! Not another SunChips-styled attempt to turn a product into a religion. The bottle is already green. What more do you want? Besides Rolling Rock, you're the Green Beer!"

So the first thing I do when I get to work is go to sharethegood.com. "Coming Soon" from register.com. is all there is right now. Who Is reveals it's registered to Brian Citron of New York City. He registered it on February 12 of this year. A quick Google search reveals Brian is Associate Brand Manager for Heineken, USA. (Firefox and IE will show it as unavailable. Safari reveals the register.com registration.) Here's a picture I found of Brian from The New York Times when his marriage was announced in 2005. Congratulations, by the way, sir.

Brian: Since you haven't yet launched the site but you're running radio for a site that isn't ready, you're now going to have to buy more radio when the site eventually goes live. Let's hope in the interim you can think through this "Share The Good" concept and not fall flat on your face as one more brand executing another self-satisfied half-stab at making the world a better place through [beer, chips, toilet paper, dog food, tampons, shoes, etc.] I truly hope the Heineken effort is different from what we've been treated to so far by other brands.

I'm sure it's one of those cases where airtime was bought based on something the web team promised. Then some snags were hit on the development side and the radio stations (Clear Channel) said "Screw you. Contract's signed. We've already scheduled the spots!" (And they chuckled under their breath, saying, "It's Heineken, They can afford it.") So the AE was all, "C'mon, Web Team. You're totally screwing me here!" And the Web Team was like, "Dude, it's not our fault! The servers in White Plans were supposed to propagate the domain nationally by 7AM Tuesday. That's what they promised! I'll show you the email!" And there were late nights of scrambling and iPhones were buzzing as they tried to finish in time for the spots to air. But the spots aired before the site was ready and someone's passing the buck right now and someone else is eating crap. Hopefully it all gets worked out soon. I'd like the chance to see what this new Heineken religion is all about.

Maybe it's just the interactive agency not communicating effectively with the traditional agency.

Or maybe it's simply a case of my local Clear Channel station playing a spot before it was supposed to be played.

Whatever, I'd be interested to hear from Brian Citron if he finds this. When is the new site coming, Brian? What's the plan? How can I help?

(And I'm available to help with your marketing efforts in exchange for massive shipments of beer. I will also require a walk-in cooler installed in my garage.)

Director Gets Lazy, Needs Your Help

Zack Snyder, Director of the upcoming film WATCHMEN is offering you the opportunity to create "Veidt Enterprises" TV commercials that COULD end up in the feature film scheduled to be released in theaters on March 6, 2009.

Veidt is a fictitious company that is part of the storyline of the movie which is based on a comic book series. Veidt is involved in everything from shoes to cologne to airlines. Here's a "sample" commercial that sucks out loud.



Here's Zack to tell you all about it.



And here is the mini-site with rules and other such info.

Unless I missed something, there's no promise of cash or prizes. Just a chance for your lame effort to be in a movie. You're about to be used for your user generated content.

Because I'm Looking Out For You

Click for some super-sized 1024 x 768 gorgeousness
Just in case you, like me, can't get enough of Hillary Clinton, I made you this lovely desktop background. I'm not even going to charge you for it. You're welcome. If you gaze long enough at the picture, you'll come under her spell. Surrender, Dorothy.

It's not enough that I see her angelic face every time I go to Google News, or see her tireless, warrior visage in my reader, or find her likeness on every web site in the form of banner ads posing the question "Should Hillary Quit?" Heavens no, she shouldn't quit. She's a fighter. She's been fighting for people like you and me for over 35 years and so I was compelled to create this collage. I love turning on the TV at any time of the day or night, assured that I will certainly be treated to her soothing voice and reassuring words. I will see her pointing and nodding with confidence, a confidence that is instantly imparted to me, with which I can face whatever the day may hold. It is a confidence that allows me to slumber like a child at night, carefree in a peaceful and undivided nation governed by the Former First Lady and current Junior Senator from New York.

All this talk of "Clinton fatigue" is coming from a bunch of misogynist men who are afraid of powerful women. They don't recognize how perfect she is for our country because they are blinded by their ignorance and arrogance. I am going to have her face tattooed on my chest. I'm going to buy a 70s van with a waterbed in the back and have her awesomeness airbrushed onto the side (maybe reclining in a bikini with a giant rounded afro, a white tiger on a leash).

I'm glad that tomorrow the fate of the nation rests in the hands of old, underemployed, high-school educated white women from rural Pennsylvania who hate black people. They will speak for us, and they will send a loud and clear message to those Superdelegates that if they let some smooth-talking Muslim gangsta win the nomination, then they've clearly lost their minds and deserve to have John McCain as their President, who at least has passed the Commander in Chief test and would be better than some guy who gave a speech in 2004.

Drama-rama

I did some time in theatre when I was younger. (Enough time that I adopted the English spelling of the word "theatre," which my American spell-checker underlines in red as misspelled.) I even got to do some Shakespeare in San Diego's Junior Theatre in Balboa Park. Shakespeare was cool, if a little overrated. (I'm kidding! He's not THAT overrated.) I like to think that I was pretty good at the acting game, which helped when I went into radio and TV voiceover. I eventually decided theatre was not for me, as it was so filled with...a bunch of self-absorbed dramatic idiots who were so full of...DRAMA!

Prediction: this forthcoming film, Hamlet 2, will be a huge hit, coming from (one of) the writer(s) who brought us one of the funniest movies ever made, Team America: World Police. If not a huge hit, at least a cult hit. If not a cult hit, at least a flash in the pan. If not a flash in the pan, at least something teenagers rent when they're stoned.

So, You're A Vegetarian?

Or a vegan? Or a raw-foodist? That's cool. But the more you talk about it loudly at work within earshot of my cube, the more I'm going to loudly declare my love of all things meaty and announce randomly what sort of raw delicacy will grace my grill tonight, dripping blood onto the coals for that sizzling flesh smell that causes people to pause in their backyards and wish they were dining at my house.

This is Post # 747

...so I guess I should blog something about air travel. I live along one of the flight paths of Orlando International Airport. Not too close, thankfully, but close enough to recognize the types of planes and sometimes the logos on the tails. It's interesting to note how on a Friday evening the flights of incoming tourists increases to about one every minute and a half. That's a lot of potential eyeballs looking back down at me. I'm thinking of placing ads on my roof. Much like Ad Air of England with their monster 5-acre ads on fields near runways. Ad Air says their product is effective, but you have to wonder how they are measuring that.

Do You Remember Where You Were When...?

We've all heard the tales of people who were alive when JFK was shot. They all have a similar story wherein everyone remembers "exactly where they were when they heard the news."

My generation will have similar stories to tell our children when they ask, "Where were you when you found out Copyranter had quit blogging?" I will answer them thusly: "It was a Saturday morning about 8 AM. I was at home drinking coffee and checking things on the bedroom computer when I read it on my Google reader from Bill Green of Make The Logo Bigger. I remember it like it was yesterday."

The greatest ad blogger to ever ad blog has quit at the top of his game. That's how the good ones should go out. No Joe Montana exit for this guy. No switching uniforms to play for a lesser team and then falling to the turf with repeated concussions, a shell of his former self. And we trust there will be no Michael Jordan-styled attempts to return to the game, unless it is as a paid columnist at a respected publication. But respected publications would want to water him down. If there's one thing we who read Copyranter figured out, it's that the guy is true to his word. He says what he means and means what he says. 110% and all the other sports cliches you can come up with. And he quit with style - after a trip to LA with his girlfriend*.

His retirement from the world of snarky ad critique will affect this blog to a degree. I had the honor of being a regular Friday beneficiary of his weekly Link Haze for a few months running and enjoyed the traffic spikes.

He offered no tags or labels and never stooped to contextual ads in his sidebar. He offered no blogroll, yet his authority rating on Technorati dwarfed most others. He was a giant. A giant asshole, but a giant nonetheless. And while I have removed retired bloggers from the Linkers and Lurkers list to the right, Copyranter will remain. He didn't just rip ads; he ripped agencies, society, culture, players, pawns and the hell that is New York City. His archives will stand the test of time and his name will forever be uttered with awe and reverence.

Best to you, Mark. Now go get a gig that pays you to do what you did so well for free.

*Perhaps Copyranter "went Hollywood" and cashed in? Perhaps American Apparel Chief Charney bought his silence?

ABC News, with George Stuffinenvelopes

Guess I'm not alone in thinking that Wednesday's debate on ABC reached a new low, even for American political coverage. It's not politics anymore, it's Who Wants To Be a President.

Elitist

Click image to read fine print of fake ad

Trek Bikes proudly touts their “Made in America” status. I love my Trek, but it’s one of the lower-end models that doesn’t enjoy that American-made distinction. It gets used every day these days as I seek to be less unhealthy. I even outfitted it with a geeky halogen light after I almost ran over two ladies walking their golden retrievers (on the wrong side of the street with giant 50-foot leashes) pre-dawn, one of whom yelled at me, “You need a light!” I grunted back, “Yeah. Sorry,” and then went to Wal-Mart that afternoon on my lunch break to find one. The light was from Schwinn, a proud American company if ever there was one. The light was also made in China, like most things at Wal-Mart, but it casts a nice, wide beam in the wee hours and I can see the things and creatures I’m about to hit on my Chinese-made bicycle. I expect the light to last maybe a year, like most things made in China.

The bike is wearing, like most things made in China, but in our disposable economy, I’ll probably be better off to just get another lower-end Trek before I can pay for one of the “better ones” made in America by angry, bitter rural folks clinging to their overpaid manufacturing jobs.

Eventually, the market for “higher-end” Treks will take a downturn. Then the folks in Waterloo, Wisconsin who make those Treks will watch their factory close. Then they can cling to their guns or religion as they continue to vote for the candidates who have no problem allowing American jobs to be shipped overseas, but who share their faith and will defend their rights to own guns as they visit during campaign season to knock back a beer and regale the locals with tales of hunting in their youth.

The Black Hole That is The Internet

• The supposedly "neutral" Swiss are going to kill us all.
• You're about to be Tay Roll'd
• So, you've got a portfolio? BFD, says James.
• Twitter with care, just in case you weren't connected enough.
• Scamp posts a Bud Commercial with comment. 160 show up to have their say.

In a Perfect World

There would be no taxes. And no sign spinners. But this guy's pretty good.

Take it to The Next Level...Baby

Previously in Ken Fox, Strategist

Even Terrorists Need a Vacation

(Nassau, The Bahamas) The Tourism Board of The Bahamas has unveiled a new ad campaign that seeks to lure Palestinians to the Caribbean island chain.

"There's a lot of money being spent in Mediterranean tourist destinations," said Neko Grant, Minister of Tourism and Aviation, "And in the spirit of friendly competition that is common in the tourism industry, we will seek to draw those visitors to our tropical paradise."

The new campaign plays on the similarities between the name of the country and the name of a well-known and largely reviled militant Muslim organization. Asked if his country was perhaps being insensitive to the concerns of Israel or other entities opposed to Hamas, Minister Grant said, "We did some focus group testing among pro-Israelis. It wasn't pretty. But I like the joke the ads make. It's kind of cute, don't you think? Perhaps we will do another later that targets the people of Israel. I'm just riffing here, but how about something like The Bahamas...Iz really fun!"

Previously in Fake Bahamian Tourism News
Bahamas Changes Name

Central Florida Doesn't Understand Social Media

A local police officer calls himself a "Super-Trained Killer Ninja Fighter of the Night" on his MySpace page and gets suspended.

After some MySpace trash-talking, local cheerleader mean girls lure a rival to a house and beat the crap out of her. They videotape the half-hour pummeling and post it on YouTube. Now they're in big trouble.


I'm Tom. I have 3,456,789,567,453,223,456 friends.

That Elusive Bible College Demo

Matching sweaters? Check.
Matching white pants? Check.
Matching white socks? Check.
Matching white Keds^®? Check.

We're all set, Nancy! Let's go out to the woods on our bicycles and study the Bible on a split rail fence.

A quick check of the Keds website reveals they still have that iconic blue rubber logo. And judging by their new campaign, Be True, they know just who they want in a customer - who they've always had - very clean white chicks between the ages of 20 and 40 who want to be adventurous, but don't really want to be adventurous.

Image via.

Just When I Thought I Was Getting Better

Someone sent a routine email to the entire department this morning, to which I fired off ("Reply All," naturally) what I thought was a fun little moment of levity for the team. Then I get this from a coworker, who apparently thinks I'm a dick. I guess this thing is making the rounds of Corporate America this week. Ah, well. it's pretty funny anyway. Truth hurts, I suppose, but I'm not taking this drug.

Click for maxi-view

Everyone's Doing It

Polling, that is.

Just wondering...and wondering how these stupid-ass blog polls work.

Cold Call Carl - He Keeps on Dialing

It was going to be a one-off, but the man can't be stopped. He's selling social media and Web 2.0.

Click for a better read

Let The Spin Begin

As the Republicans begin to realize they are actually up against Barack Obama in November, and not Her Royal Highness, Queen Hillary the Annointed, they are actively emailing those who like to think Obama is a Muslim , or that he attended a Madrasa, or that his pastor hates America, or that his name is eerily similar to Osama's.

An email I received today contained this obviously Photoshopped image of Senator Obama talking on the phone. Problem is, the stupid, ignorant, inexperienced, naive and not-ready-to-be Commander in Chief Obama doesn't know how to hold a phone in a photo-op.

It doesn't take long to find the real image, as if the cartoon clock on the wall wasn't a dead giveaway that the photo was faked.

And to show you that Senator Obama not only knows how to handle a phone, but can handle two phones at once while simultaneously gesturing and winking to a photographer, here's an image from the Associated Press. That dude has some serious multitaskin' skilz.

Let the spin begin.

There's a war on, and there are some people very afraid of an Obama Presidency, so afraid that they will have you believe that the man doesn't know how to hold a phone.

I haven't placed an Obama sticker on my car. I haven't posted an Obama sign in my yard. I haven't donated to the Obama campaign. But if this keeps up, I may just have to.

Bathroom Humor - It's Not Just for Kids Anymore

Click for readability

Yeah, I Got a Question for You, Mick

Those lines weren't that difficult, yet you still required cue cards? How shot is your memory? Also, here's one for Keith: Did we have to see you on the toilet? That was gross. Maybe you saw it as "rebellious." You're so cool.

It's YouTube's new "Living Legends" series, where you, the clueless video uploader, get to "have an open dialog" with "luminaries from across the globe."

Hey, Mick and Keith: You're a couple of old clowns and no one wants to see you trying to play all young and edgy with the YouTube crowd. Poor execution. Half-hearted, weak and smelling of "don't give a shit." But I guess that's your coolness coming through again. You were so much better when you were really struggling, writing jingles for Rice Krispies.

Mick and Keith, you silly little whores. You Tube, you shameless pimp.

Stupid Obama Clones

I saw a picture in the paper yesterday of a bunch of NATO leaders getting ready for a group photo. Standing at center was a very lonely looking President Bush. I almost felt bad for him. He was like some outcast and friendless child.

Then I realized what was really going on.




Click to Supersize

Let's Just Get an Employee to Voice The Spot

I like to listen to the radio in the car. Almost any kind of radio. I even get a kick out of stupid radio that completely messes with my senses, like Sean Hannity, because it's good to know how people who think they are deep thinkers really think. I suppose I could better use my commuting time learning a foreign language on CD, but then I'd be that guy you see in your rearview mirror talking to himself as I repeated after the instructor, "¿Cuántas cervezas antes de usted consiguen desnudas?" (Go ahead, take that phrase to your favorite translation site.)

I have done voiceovers and I have directed voiceovers, and I think I know good talent when I hear it. I've been wrong before. I once convinced a TV studio director to read for a spot because she had a very smooth and attractive voice. In front of the mic with a script, she froze up and sounded like a 3rd grader just learning to read big books without pictures.

So recently I was listening to a local show that makes me laugh some mornings and a spot came on voiced by a guy with the coolest Southern accent. It wasn't Redneck Southern, but had that Virginia/Carolina refinement to it, where the word "dollar" becomes dolluh and "help" is a charming "hep." The voice belonged to this man, Ashton Ritchie. He wasn't the best voiceover talent, in fact his voice was a little high-pitched and he sounded slightly nervous, but there was an honesty in his voice that made me believe in the product he was selling, Scotts Bonus S Weed and Feed for Southern Lawns. Ritchie is apparently an employee of The Scotts Company in Ohio and understands the deep mysteries of suburban lawn care.

I know many urbanites who scoff at lawns, but houses often come with yards that require attention. Being a homeowner with a yard that tends to try to die every year, I bought a bag of the stuff based on Ritchie's seemingly honest endorsement. It was some ridiculous kind of expensive, so I took care to apply it to my front lawn in exactly the manner indicated on the bag.

The man wasn't lying. Shit works. Crazy works. My lawn looks like it responded to a spam email for Lawn Enhancement. It is strong, firm and long-lasting. All the ladies in the town are impressed by it's length, girth and stamina. My lawn is no longer embarrassed by its small size. It is now powerful and able to please through the night. My lawn has confidence.

Mowing season has started down here and the front lawn is on grass steroids. Thanks, Mr. Southern Gentleman Lawn Care Dude, but now I'm afraid to apply Scotts to the backyard.

What Can Copyranter Do For You?

Give your blog stats an obscene bulge. Haven't seen this kind of flash in the pan since BoingBoing got a hold of the Land O' Lakes post. Seems the Ranter found the wrestlers sans nipples a funny thing, which got the attention of Gawker, YesButNoButYes and some other sites. So my two greatest hits have been breast related. I'm sure there is a lesson here about content and how to attract visitors.

Thanks, Mark, but my second fifteen minutes among the bloggerati are now over. Bounce rate back to a hideously high percentage. Daily traffic back to a hideously low number. This blogging stuff is hard work.

I will tag this post with "Brazilian nude beach cam" for some artificial stat inflation just so the final settling into the low hundreds isn't such a jolt to my blog's ego. And the blogging maxim I recommend to anyone but rarely practice is always true, "Tag it with suggestive labels and they will come."

Eliminating Workforce Redundancies

Click for Maxi-View

You're Gonna Wanna Be Paht of This Amazing Journey

Looks like a bunch of highly skilled people in Central Florida will be out of work soon when the Space Shuttle program reaches its end in 2010.

So, with that sad news, let's watch a Wicked Re-TAH-ded* PSA for NASA (obviously produced in-house) featuring Steven Tyler and Joe Perry of Aerosmith, urging duh yutes to stay in school and not try to become rock stars. The production on this proves that sometimes even the brightest minds have no business messing with the creative side.



*See comments on previous post.

Previously in NASA
Good for Something After All
NASA Needs a Slogan
Lisa Nowak - The Reason I'm Late from Lunch
In Space, No One Can Hear You Pee
The Games Astronauts Play
Buy an Astronaut a Drink
Rocket to the Moon and Race Right Back
Astronaughties

Previously in PSAs
SoCal Burning
Weekend Water Safety Warning
Fried For a Frisbee
Your Girlfriend Has an STD
When Snowmen Go Bad

Previously in Aerosmith
NASCAR Set to Rock