Feeling Like You

It's Not All Snark and Smug Scorn at Where's My Jetpack?

This was the scene at an Orange County Public Library on my way home this evening. Voters standing in line in the late afternoon Autumn sun, a kaleidoscope of American colors. I had to pull over and take a few pictures. (And add my two cents worth in verse. Click images for larger.)


From the forthcoming Telegraph Canyon

Feeling Like You

When in the course of human events
it becomes quite evident
that something’s happening
well, that's just fine
Water's well past the floodline

I won’t care and why should you
And besides, what could we do
The shine got dull
That's not a crime
The moment is here and now's the time

Yeah, there’s something in the air
It’s like fall all the time
Crisp, clear, brisk and bright
Sun dancing on the shore in a festival of lights

If we can stand the picked-up pace
Maybe we can find some grace
We know the way
We’ll be on time
and I'll trust you to read the signs

When in sight of things so clear
I know you can’t care to fear
Winds of change
won’t block the sunshine
It's theirs and ours - It's yours and mine

Yeah, there’s something in the air
It’s like autumn all the time
When the world’s 3D and layered deep
Clouds marching for the shoreline like they’re walking in their sleep

Your Pre-Election, Halloween-Eve Music Video Break

The election season demands this

(You'll thank me when it's over)

Cringe with me, readers, as everyone's favorite diminutive funkmaster embarrasses himself 1988 style in that now-dead medium they called "the music video." It's still a great song if you close your eyes. And even if you keep them open, Prince is one funny, confident guy, graduating with honors from the Sly Stone-Mick Jagger-Steven Tyler school of showmanship. This guy should be in sales, what with all that confidence and stuff.



(I can't help myself. The funk itch must be scratched.)

George Washington Knows How to Win Wars

Production values weren't much in 1789, but the message delivery was about the same as today. Paint the opposition as "soft on terror/crime/national defense" and you're halfway there.

Bill Green of Make the Logo Bigger and I have unearthed this rough-hewn gem from the George Washington campaign. It's a simple tale that unfolds like some flannelgraph Sunday School story, the basic theme of which is, "The Torries Won't Keep you Safe, My Friends."

Geeky Blogger Minutiae

If you use Google's Blogger service, you may have noticed that your favicon has been replaced by the Blogger orange "B" icon in the address bar.


To get your icon back, just take the code that points to your favicon (in my case, the image is hosted at photobucket) and move it down under the close of the script tag
and it will be returned to the way you like it.

Stephen Douglas Down in Polls - Goes Negative

Like many of us, Bill Green at Make the Logo Bigger has lost his mind this election season. So in a fit of dementia (and after a bottle of absinthe that conjured hallucinations of past American presidential elections) Bill wrote and produced this spot for Stephen Douglas' struggling campaign of 1860. I then voiced it with a head cold for the modest sum of $500 Confederate Dollars.



Nice working with you, Bill.

This is post #1,111 at Where's My Jetpack?

Cell-Phone Photography Review

Since I know you've been waiting for more in my sporadic series featuring my stunning and thoughtful photographic studies of life in CubeWorld^TM , I present the latest print. It's called "Stay Hungry - Applesauce and Chopsticks #23."

From Cell Phone Photography Review Quarterly comes this assessment:

Jetpacks again defies reason, sense and taste by giving us another of his grainy, stupid cell-phone images. As if we didn't notice the "irony" of putting chopsticks in applesauce, the "photographer" has to title this "piece" to help us "get it." As for composition, lighting and texture, why even bother? When your subject matter is so inane, it's hard to care about the thing any further. Shite. Crap. Poop.

Hmmm. Jealous much, CPPRQ?

Twitter - Tool of Terrorists

In light of recent news, the Twitter bird gets the treatment at Guantanamo.

But seriously, what communication application/tool WON'T be used by terrorists?

Would you Like to Supersize That?

Today in Fashion

Anorexic supermodel Barack Obama glides down the catwalk in Denver in a Socialist Muslim black suit sans tie, while new star Sarah Palin models the "Real American" look with new jeans in Virginia.

Chargers Get Pipped by Saints

In its continuing effort to sell American Football to the Brits, the NFL sent the Saints and Chargers to London to play at Wembley yesterday, where New Orleans, as noted in this BBC headline, "pipped" San Diego. And Drew Brees gave a "passing masterclass" while triumphing over his "former side."

Guys, it's American Football. Please don't talk about it like that.

Fair and Balanced

I like to keep an ear to both sides of the politically biased reporting. I listen to right wing radio to and from work. (Finding a left wing radio show in this market is very hard unless you have XM.) I go to crazy leftist sites like Huffington Post and 23/6, and I check in on the equally partisan Red State, Free Republic and Town Hall. In the evening, I like to switch around and get a dose of Matthews and Olbermann along with Hannity and O'Reilly.

And of all the places I have the option to listen to or participate in, the ones that squawk the most about bias are the right wingers. Daily they decry the unbalanced reporting of "the mainstream media" and those who are "in the tank." They act as though they are broadcasting on pirate wavelengths or short wave. They have a siege mentality that belies their stated objectivity. They thrive on the "us against them" game. They are haters and dividers.

Sean Hannity just renewed a multi-million dollar, multi-year deal with Fox. Limbaugh did the same with his affiliates. Apparently, they have a huge audience. But if any of their fellow broadcasters or columnists dare to say a nice thing about the other side, they are instantly shunned and treated as traitors.

There are just as many right wing, utterly biased sources for news and commentary as there are left. Quit yer bitchin', ya big babies. If I want to hear people getting a thrill up their leg for Obama, I know where to go. If I want to hear a bunch of old limp dicks who suddenly got boners for Sarah Palin, I know where to find that as well.

There are two mediums in America now. They are equal. Give yourself some credit, right wingers. You built Fox and revived AM radio and now your people have a place to go if they want one-sided attack journalism. You ARE mainstream. To act as though you are "outsiders" is disingenuous at best.

If I want truly non-partisan, fair and balanced coverage, I know where to go: CSPAN.

Obama - Eye for Detail

When you're this far ahead in the polls, with even Hannity wringing his hands and Limbaugh parroting the far right fringe fantasy that Obama is really a Muslim Kenyan Socialist, and he's only in Hawaii so he can kill his grandmother before she leaks his Big Secret, it might be easy to get complacent. Not Obama, he's got his hand in everything.

Click for the Big

Ashley Todd - Letter From Jail

Where's My Jetpack? has obtained an exclusive copy of a letter Ashley Todd wrote her fellow College Republicans.

Click for the Bigness

I Can't Get Enough of This

I'm a huge fan of the oddly juxtaposed. That's why I get such a kick out of my own creation "Sweet Soul Alabama"

I don't know what it is about this spot, but it cracks me up every time I see it.

Don't Shop For Food When You're Hungry

And now I'll show you why you don't design food pyramids when you're hungry, either.

We're Putting Cosmetic Surgeons Out of Business

It started with "iQ SkinTensive" and their amazing Fountain of Youth Flash banners. Now everyone with a moisturizer to sell has adopted the "old lady gets young" theme, only they're really pushing the boundaries of truthfulness lately. C'mon, people, we're in advertising! We tell the truth!

This woman doesnt just appear younger, she has actually changed ethnicities. She was a 70 year-old Native American from Arizona, now she is a 25-year old Swede. Amazing shit. Results not typical. Simulated imagery.

Previously in "Miracle Wonder Cream's Lying Flash Banners":

From Decaying Corpse to Radiant Beauty in One Application

Individual Results May Vary

Fine print is small – don’t read it all
It says what it must – as if you can’t trust
Would I lie to you? Would I tell you untrue?
If I can get in – give it just the right spin
I sell apples to Eve – and make her believe

that she’s a failure, a victim, she needs her eyes opened
Her man’s a pansy, substandard, and lacking in size
She’s wrinkled, small-breasted, bad mother, lover, wife
until she buys the thing to revolutionize her life*

*From Seller in the Cellar, a forthcoming song on a forthcoming project.

New Media Company Set To Launch

I was over at Stan of Melbourne's fine and insightful blog and made a comment, where I was treated to this nice word verification.

Sometimes inspiration for your next start-up can come from the oddest of places.

Introducing Gralaco.

Gralaco is the must-have social media app of the year. Or it's a Facebook add-on. Or it's a blog widget. Or it's a new media agency. Whatever, the important thing is gralaco.com is available and that's really all you need. Snap it up, somebody!

Want more Web 2.0 scorn? I've got plenty.

America's Got Talent

And it's hiding in tiny cubicles, creating bizarre and funny stuff like this. Thanks to David at Plaid for the find.

Goin' Down to South Park Gonna Have Myself a Time

Actually, that's not why I took the picture. I was more interested in the guy's name. Missed his calling. It's one thing to nickname yourself Johnny "Guitar" Watson; something else entirely to be born with the name. And then to throw it all away and become a commercial real estate agent. Sad.

Then again, with real estate like it is right now, he could easily become a blues singer.

Uh, Thanks?

My department at CubeWorld^TM has a little blog where we keep up on who's sick or who's coming in late or if there are donuts from some print vendor in the break room. It's a little team thing that makes us all feel "connected" and stuff. Feel good inspiration from the bosses, policy updates, server issues, etc. They also post birthdays. They posted mine today. That was nice.

Except my birthday is in mid December.

Everyone's Too Busy

In praise of doing less. I'm sure someone out there can use these words.

"Never put off till tomorrow what you can do
the day after tomorrow."

- Mark Twain

Joe The Plumber - The Real Story

Thank God for YouTube. Here's the full "confrontation" between Joe The Plumber and Barack Obama. Sean Hannity will never let you see this.



There goes your "socialist" argument, Right Wing Propagandists. For almost six minutes, Obama explains to Joe The Plumber the intricacies of his tax plan. It's long and boring, but it shows how insane this campaign has become, where the phrase "spread the wealth around" is lifted to prove that Obama is a Commie.

Gimme a fuckin' break.

Straight Talk, my ass, Johnny. You're a sad, little shadow of the imaginary character you used to pretend to be.

Local Losers Only

The local Ad Fed, in association with some other PR and marketing groups, is putting together what they call "The Ultimate Mixer" tomorrow evening in downtown Orlando. Drinks, food, exchanging of business cards, talking about the ROI of Direct Mail, SPAM, etc.

I don't like these things, but I'll be there, current circumstances dictating. If you're looking for a writer (freelance or full time) or perhaps a VP of Blogging, bring your offer and a picture of my expansive future office. (Or if you're just an Orlando ad hack like me and you want to talk about all these loser ad hacks surrounding us, that'll work, too.)

I'll be the guy in the corner building little houses out of swizzle sticks and cocktail napkins. I'll be handing out these cards.(If you aren't in these parts and you believe in the power of technology to unite distant collaborators, shoot me an e.)

Sitcom or Cop Drama?

Neither! It's Reality TV!

Saw this banner at Technorati. It looks like a promo for a TV show. The serious stare of McCain. The smirk/point of Palin. The moonrise over starfield in the background. (Is that some sort of nod to Alaska and the Aurora Borealis?) And of course, the headline.He's a veteran lawmaker with an axe to grind.
She's a no-nonsense hockey mom suddenly in the big leagues.

I'm hearing some corny old western music as the theme.

We Will be United by Grilled Chicken

I voted early. And while I like the fact that a vote is a private matter, I'll let you in on what I did.

I guess you can say I am a Communist, Socialist, Terrorist-loving America-hater now. (UPDATE: Who wants to kill babies. Thanks, Jim.)

I called my parents tonight as I was grilling. My mom already voted also. She is now a Fascist, Racist War-mongerer. Dad hasn't voted yet. He's on the fence. Both Mom and I tried to dissuade him from going over to the Dark Side, whichever side that may be.

My parents taught me to love America and to take our gifts here seriously, as my grandparents taught them. We can have fun, irreverent and jabbing debates, reiterating the talking points of our favorite partisan news networks. And we're still going to be family on November 5th. And we will all respect the President, whomever he may be. At least that's how it works in theory.

You get the point. The vitriol, hyperbole and rhetoric is temporary. In the end, win or lose, we're still in a representative democracy where everyone has a voice. We're not turning Fascist, and we're not turning Socialist. Lighten the fuck up, everybody.

And my Dad was intrigued by what I was grilling. (He taught me to love a grill.) It was an experiment, but it turned out OK.

• Start with three boneless, skinless breast of chicken
• Soak chicken in one bottle teriyaki marinade and one can of crushed pineapple for about an hour
• Throw on the grill
• Flip after a while
  
• Throw some more of that marinade on them
• If it gets dark, cut them open and see if they're done
• Flip if not, close the grill, pour another glass of wine
• Take off grill

Serve with horseradish rice* and salad.


* That was another experiment.

One Word Product Review

Vomit.

Support the Troops, Hippie!

Sport Clips, a nationwide haircutting chain that touts itself as some sort of manly place where manly men can watch manly sports on TV while they get their manly haircuts! is urging you to come in and get your hair cut so you can show that you don’t hate the troops.

Yes, it’s a stretch, as most “Support the Troops” tie-ins are, and it has that stink about it that suggests the owner of the company came up with it. It's for a good cause, of course. What Support the Troops ad scheme isn't for a good cause?

I've got a better idea, Sport Clips. Support the Troops without tying it to more business for you. Profiteering in the name of good works, while loudly drawing attention to those good works, is....

...oh, forget it. You wouldn't understand.

Tom Feeney, You Scummy Skank

You and the creators and producers of this ad really are lowlife little gutter whores, linking your opponent in your desperate fight to keep your House seat to the hijackers of 9/11. (Note the driver's license of Mohamed Atta, ringleader of the 9/11 gang.)



Tom Feeney is a borderline criminal and a conman who has been ranked consistently as one of the 20 most corrupt members of Congress by watchdog group Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington. No small feat, given that there are 535 members of Congress. (House + Senate) Good job, Tom.

In case I haven't made it clear, Tom Feeney sucks. And a vote for Tom Feeney should make you feel very dirty.

Tom, if your people are smart enough to troll the blogs and look for your name tagged in social media, let me make it clear: you are subhuman slime and a propagandist of the nastiest degree. You are not fit to represent a band of rabies-infected rats, much less the people of this state. While I don't live in your district, I know plenty of people who do. I urge them all to send you back home. To Pennsylvania.

Previously in "Tom Feeney, Gutter Dwelling Shitty Congressman."

Rush Hour Traffic Alert for Central Florida

A long time ago, when Obama was hurting in his bid against Senator Clinton, I made the unwise decision to send his campaign an email suggesting some strategic and tactical moves they might employ. Big mistake. Now I'm on a mailing list that brings me at least three emails a day, all very friendly and personalized and almost always concluding with, "And can we have $5?"

I've yet to send a single dollar and I'm sure I won't, but I remain on the list out of curiosity and as a student of politics and marketing. Last night I got an email from Big BO himself! Barry said, "Hi, Dave! I'm going to be in Orlando tomorrow! Hope you can come out! Event is at 6 pm, but try to get there at 3 pm."

He'll be at the Amway Arena of all places. Ugh. Amway.

RSVP to Barry: Uh, sorry. Can't make it. Something suddenly came up*. I'll be avoiding that crazy mad throng of worshipers, all throwing their babies on your altar in some sort of orgiastic satanic-socialist cult-of-personality ritual while you and your frothing band of America haters and welfare recipients try to besmirch the good name and solid reputation of Her Holiness, Sister Sarah of Alaska (and her running mate, that old guy she will replace as soon as he breathes his last come January). And I'm not interested in a "management opportunity" in your "new business" either, you multilevel marketing community organizer.

As a public service, I've created this traffic map for my fellow citizens, effective from now (2:45 pm) until tomorrow morning at 5:30 am.

• Red: Pack your dinner and plenty of water. Hope you have a Pringles can to pee in or you're wearing Space Diapers. You'll be stuck in this mess for hours to come. Resistance is futile. Might as well just accept his rule, since he rules your next 12 hours anyway.
  
• Orange: Have you ever seen so many Obama bumper stickers on one commute? To avoid confrontation, McCain supporters are urged to keep their eyes on the road and both hands on the wheel. Do not make eye contact with The Obama People.
  
• Yellow: As you curse the socialist mob and their antichrist messiah for ruining your evening, tune in to Sean Hannity for cathartic release. Violence is not an option and you will only end up in jail. Then again, if you're a true patriot in the Hannity tradition...well, I think Sean would understand if you were forced to show your love for your country by vandalizing Obama cars and screaming wildly at the occupants.

* Friends of Maureen know what I mean.

Notes on a Meeting #7

A mock ad, unfinished in Photoshop after doodling in a Monday morning production meeting, featuring a new character in the growing cast. He's male model "Vance." (Known in the industry as "Fancy Pants Vance.") Vance does double-duty in this cross-promotion for Fancy Pants Luxury Chronographs and The Barry Obama Collection^TM.

click for larger

Previously in "Notes on a Meeting."

Previously in "Your Watch Doesn't Make you a Man."

Selling the Downsizing

"Or maybe it's like the plane developed a giant hole in the side and a few people who were walking to the restroom got sucked out and..."

(Based on a true and ongoing story in CubeWorld^TM)

Click for the wide screen

Girl, Eat Something

I'm pretty sure your boyfriend won't mind if you put on a couple pounds. Go on, have a light dressing on that salad, or some skim milk on your 1/2 cup of Special K.

Cigarettes and vodka make for an unhealthy diet.

Call Me By My Ninja Name

Click for the big kick

And That's Why America Can't Be Called a Christian Nation

General Colin Powell just gave his much-anticipated endorsement of Obama. In his very eloquently worded speech, he shot down the rumors pervasive through email and innuendo that Obama is a Muslim. But he followed it with, "What if he was?" and told the story of a picture he saw of a grieving mother at the grave of her son in Arlington National Cemetery. The grave is the one pictured here.Knowing American Christians as I do, I anticipate an argument that young Kareem was able to practice his faith thanks to the sacrifice of the Christian founding fathers. To them I offer the words of George Washington:

"If they are good workmen, they may be from Asia, Africa or Europe; they may be Mahometans, Jews, Christians of any sect, or they may be Atheists."

Read more about CPL Khan here.

Canadians are Funnier

Bill reminds me in a comment to a previous post that SNL is not funny. I keep forgetting that and end up torturing myself every Saturday night, like some sort of masochist of not-funny, waiting, waiting for a chuckle that never comes and cringing in embarrassment for a national institution that sucks.

"Kids in the Hall" was funny, even when it was stupid, as in this short skit.

Dogs Eatin' Dogs

A "Looming Depression" comic. How nice.

Yes, you will click it. It will grow. You will read it. Yes. That's the way. Go on. CLICK IT.

Maybe I Will Watch SNL After All

I hear Sarah Palin is going to be on SNL tonight. I'm dreading that. I guess I fear she will be funny and win over a couple of dolts willing to overlook her extreme lack of substance. Maybe I will find her funny myself and start feeling sorry for her again, like I have a few times already in this campaign. (Whenever I get that feeling, I just watch one of her stump speeches and realize, "Oh, that's right. She's a crazy, divisive panderer and deserves every second of scorn that comes her way.") But, whatever. If your vote can be swayed by a cameo on SNL, then bless your heart. ("Bless your heart" is southern-speak for, "You need help.")

But the real fun on SNL tonight might come when way-too-serious-movie-actor-leading-man-action-hero-dude Mark Wahlberg finds Andy Samberg and brings down some retribution Middle School Style!

Watch him on Kimmel. Maybe it's a just a joke and Samberg is in on it and Wahlberg is not bad at comedy. I could see them setting this stunt up for viewership as well as promotion for Wahlberg's current movie.

Guest Blogger: Joe Sixpack

Hey, Wassup:

Hijacking this commie blog for a minute to give you the goods on Hero John McCain and your boy Barack Hussein Obama. (And I don't mean "boy" in the way you aren't allowed to call a black man "boy." I call everyone "Boy," so shut up.)

Everyone wants to talk about Joe Sixpack. Personally, that's an insult. If anything, I'm Joe Twelvepack or Joe Case, but whatever. I get it. It's this imaginary dude who works for a living at something tough like welding or construction and then he drinks after work. He works hard, loves his family and maybe hunts some. Likes to have fun. Ain't a racist, but don't force him into some damn busing program. Probably owns a gun or two. They used to call him Joe Lunchbucket, but the fast food industry kinda did away with the lunchbucket. We see a guy at work with a lunchbucket and we call him a fag. To his face. We're joking of course. Not supposed to be mean to fags anymore. I've never had a problem with lesbians, that's pretty cool, but fags, I don't want to talk about it.

So anyways, I'm that guy they're courting, and I'm here to break down the candidates and their drinking.

Up first, Barack Hussein Obama.Beer from a glass. Need I say more? The little guy he's drinking with understands how it's done, but Obama's some kind of elitist with his fancy glass. And I'll bet that's some gay beer from one of those "microbreweries" and it's full of orange peels and cinnamon and shit your wife puts in a bowl on the bathroom counter to make it smell pretty. Wonder where this little party is being held? Could it be Bill Ayers living room?

Next: Senator John McCain of Arizona, former POW and Maverick.

OK, I searched a long time for a picture of McCain holding a beer and I can't find one. But that's cool. He's sending that message to the kids that we need to drink responsibly. He's so responsible in his drinking, you can't even find a picture of him drinking! That is some major maverick shit right there. But I did find the next best thing. Here's McCain with Dale Jr., who raced for Budweiser, and Cindy McCain owns a Bud distributorship. And she's hot. Not as hot as Palin, but still, it shows what McCain is about. Hot chicks, free beer from your wife and racing. What's not to like in the guy?

Winner in a landslide: McCain!

By the way, if you're planning on voting in the election, think about this: who would you rather have a beer with? And if you say Obama, here's one more picture for you. This is your candidate at some kind of girly tea party and he's got a little baby girl glass of fancy fag beer and he's making a toast with these ladies to France or some other socialist bullshit place he wants to turn us into.

This race should've been over months ago.

Hey, Joe

Click for the bigness

Notes on a Meeting #6

I've got Joe The Plumber on the brain. Joe's words have been censored, as he was uttering some cliché sexual innuendo involving pipes. Next to Joe is "Star," or "Li'l Star," or "Starry," or "Starface," the busy little mascot of just about everything.

Follow the trail of "Notes on a Meeting" here.

There's a Plumber in Amarillo

Holding on to what is probably a hot commodity today. I'll bet the RNC is pitching him offers right this minute.

Here's Hendrix performing "Hey, Joe", chewing gum madly while singing and playing guitar. That is coordination. (And then chewing his guitar, which is one of those Hendrix gimmicks that is just embarrassing.)

Live Blogging The Debate

9:01 Bob tries to tell them not to stick to talking points. Good luck with that, Schieffmaster.
9:02 What could McCain be writing already? Furious note-writing out of the gate. Major Botox treatment this week also.
9:03 Oh! Beat Obama to the Nancy Reagan "thoughts and prayers" thing.
9:06 Blah blah blah already. Did I just commit to live blogging?
9:06 Obama agrees with McCain. Take a shot.
9:07 McCain has the balls to look "that one" in the eye and then brings up the plumber dude, Joe, recent hero of the right. Addressing Joe now, McCain will give Joe the moon and put the Communists out to pasture - if you will help me now.
9:09 Obama not getting it done for the Joes of the world. Responding in wonk-speak.
9:11 Mac says "spread the wealth" five times. Class warfare. Poor Joe.
9:12 Mac has a boner for Joe the Plumber.
9:12 Obama stumbling. On the ropes. Not addressing "spread the wealth." Sounding like a rookie in an earlier debate with Hillary.
9:13 McCain sees an opening, pouncing. Kicking Obama's ass on the Joe issue. Says "spread the wealth" one more time. He knows the base.
9:16 Obama is like some Constitutional Law professor from Chicago. What? Oh.
9:17 Drill Baby Drill. Wind Tide Solar zzzzzzz
9:17 I think McCain drank three Red Bulls backstage. Looking for a fight. He knows how to do a lot of things. I think he's going to have a heart attack by night's end. Obama smirking at the Arizona senator.
9:19 Here comes the Sleepy Senator from Illinois. Ehhh - I - Uhh....uhhh - errrr. Get to the point!
9:20 History lesson from the Professor. Obama is off his game.
9:21 McCain unveils a canned joke. "I'm not President Bush. Should've run four years ago." Mild chuckling from partisan hacks in audience.
9:22 No matter how this ends, I make this safe prediction: 95% of Fox News viewers say McCain won.
9:23 McCain makes goofy Botox face at Obama slamming Fox News. Obama again lifting up His Holiness, Saint John of Arizona.
9:24 McCain brings up his scars. Take a shot.
9:25 Schieffer wants to hear the dirt behind the dirt, but McCain blames the Commie for not doing the Town Hall Let's Fly Together in a Plane thing. McCain bringing up the John Lewis condemnation. McCain is "hurt."
9:27 Obama smiling in that "fuck you, old man" way. Obama says, "If you can't stand the heat, quit throwing gasoline on the fire." Slams the Town Hall lie. Brings it back to the issue of the economy.
9:30 McCain watched football on Sunday. Saw his Cardinals hand it to the bastard Cowboys. Pissed off that there were so many Obama ads. Brings up his new Crush, Joe the Plumber again. Demands an apology for the John Lewis condemnation.
9:31 Obama takes McCain to the matt and tells him to suck it hard on the Lewis thing.
9:32 McCain breathing hard into the mic, trying to interrupt. Getting outwitted.
9:33 John getting his word in. Obama in the split screen practicing his "fuck you" glare. McCain brings up the "Sarah is a Cunt" t-shirts. Hey, John! It's what you called your wife! Where do you think they got the idea for the shirts?
9:35 Palling around with terrorists. Finally bringing up the ACORN talking point, McCain is hitting his stride.
9:36 "When I was eight years old" is Obama's standard defense. Here comes the Annenberg storyline. Watch, out Johnny! It's a trick. Obama takes out Ayers with a flip of his wrist. Now to ACORN. "Motor voter. DMV. Facts out. Associations." I'm getting tired of this shit.
9:39 McCain not letting go of Ayers and ACORN. Brings up his Hannity line, "Launched your campaign in his living room." He is bent on the Rove-Hannity line, now bringing it absurdly back to "helping you" as he wraps up his attack.
9:41 If Obama says that Biden rode the train home every day, finish the bottle. Energy indpendence? How did you get there from here?
9:42 McCain selling Palin. Arrg. He knows it's not his campaign anymore. It's hers. Calls her "A Bresh of Freath Air." She's his "partner." Careful, Johnny. Cindy is a wildcat. Oh crap. He did it. The "special needs" card is played! And Todd is a tough guy too. Dontcha know.
9:45 McCain says Biden has "cockimamey ideas." I don't know how to spell "cockimamey." If you use that word, you should find a synonym.
9:46 McCain getting exasperated with the Commie Moderator Schieffer. Cutting him off, breathing very heavily into his mic again. MSM plant!
9:48 Wind Tide Solar Natural Gas. McCain's got this talking point down cold.
9:48 Obama doing his Kennedy thing. "Ten Years" we can get off foreign oil. Do a shot if he brings up Kennedy and the Space Race.
9:49 Solar Wind BioDiesel. (That was Obama.)
9:50 Can I refill my wineglass? C'mon, Bob! Commercial break yet?
9:51 Oh! McCain says "Nice speech, slickboy, but we see through your hustle."
9:52 McCain is holding his own. Has likely pulled his poll-numbers up by 5 tonight. The race will go on.
9:53 As usual, Obama is measured, smart and informed, while McCain again breathes heavily into the mic. Sadly, this will register as a loss for Obama. He's not hotheaded. McCain is on fire in a desperate way, and that's what red-state America likes.
9:55 McCain just linked Obama to Chavez. This is red-meat mayhem.
9:57 Obama selling his health care plan. Gonna cut my premiums by $2500 a year, he says. If not, I get a Senate health care plan, like he and John enjoy.
9:58 Schieffer! I need a refill! Commercial?
9:59 McCain giving his health care plan. Kids are fat, gotta get fit. Oh, crap! Joe the Fucking Plumber again! Fox News struck gold with the Joe the Fucking Plumber. Joe should sue for misuse of his name and image.
10:00 Obama now addressing Joe the Plumber. This dude is the talk of the nation, sitting in his modest home in Ohio, wondering how the hell his life became a national issue. Calling his brother-in-law now, who knows a guy who represents some jugglers, models and commercial actors.
10:03 McCain just said "Hey, Joe!" This has become Joe's debate. I think I hear Obama laughing under his breath into his mic.
10:04 McCain tries again with the failed hair-plug joke from the last debate.
10:05 Joe the Plumber, you should be the President.
10:06 Split screen. It's obvious from this view. Obama kicks ass. Cool. McCain just a sad old asshole. But we don't vote on such superficial matters in this country. Back to the debate.
10:07 Supreme Court Nominees. McCain will find people who adhere to the Constitution when selecting judges. Won't overlook abortion lovers.
10:08 Obama will also consider abortion haters when looking for judges.
10:09 Obama taking it a step further, appealing now directly to his liberal base in secret intellectual code. Lost most of America on that one, including McCain, everyone regarding it as "silly egghead talk."
10:12 McCain is about to take it deep. Gonna call Obama a child killer.
10:13 Trying to nuance his way around his Illinois Senate vote regarding "life-saving treatment" for babies who survive abortion. It's such a long explanation, that right or wrong, it sounds wrong. McCain breathing hard again.
10:14 Obama says, "Sexuality is sacred." Points from the faithful. Muslims and Jews included.
10:15 McCain tires to repeat the lie that his illegitimate black child is actually adopted. JK! (HAHA! Funny Bush joke... Sorry.)
10:16 Schieffer! Need a wine refill!
10:17 "Army of New Teachers," says Obama. COMMIE! MARXIST!
10:19 Obama doing the Bill Cosby thing. "Turn off the TV, put away the video games. It's up to the parents."
10:20 McCain says, "We find bad teachers another line of work." Huh?
10:21 All in all, Schieffer kicking Ifill's and Broakaw's asses. For all of his softball wimpiness on Sunday mornings, he's pretty strong tonight. At least he's strong by his own soft standards.
10:22 Obama AGAIN agrees with McCain. Shot. But he does this as part of his "measured" thing. "I'm not a hothead. I'm cool." It costs him in the short run, like tomorrow's polls, but in the end, it sinks in with the voters. Obama will pay a price of 5 to 6 points by week's end, buoyed by pundits and spinners tonight and tomorrow.
10:24 Autism is now McCain's pet project, because he loves Sarah. And Sarah's boy. And Todd. First dude, doncha know.
10:26 Closing statements.
10:27 McCain: New Direction. Reform. He has a Record. Looking uncommonly "connected" with the camera. Digs on "trust." "A long line of McCains" almost sounds defeated. Sorry Dad. Sorry, Grandpa.
10:29 Obama: "Failed Failed Failed. McCain = Bush. Eight Years." Investing = Taxcuts? Dude, I'm no economist, but that makes no sense. Still stumbling in his closing remarks.
10:30 Verdict: McCain lives to fight another day.

Barry and Mr. McCain

Do you ever wonder what might've happened to Obama or McCain had they not had the chances and opportunities they've had in life? Yeah, me too. What if they were just regular blue collar guys? I think they'd be like this.

Leaving Your Mark

What was to be a three-month gig turned into 14 months, but the economy finally caught up to the industry and MegaCorp is jettisoning a few of us in CubeWorld^TM who are contractors: an art director, a proofreader, a production manager and me, a copy paster writer.

In a very humane act atypical of giant multinationals, they're giving us six weeks to scout around for work and wrap up what little we've got left to do here.

I like to think I made a contribution. One of the accomplishments of which I am most proud is owning all five of the High Score positions on the Galaga game in the company's break room. No one in this company can touch my Galaga skills. That's going on my résumé.

I Know You Know, Broham

There was a short-lived TV show in 2001 called "Undeclared" that featured some great writing and funny actors. Someone has compiled the few scenes Ben Stiller cameod in as the mulleted, recovering addict named Rex and put them up on You Tube.

I love You Tube. The place where everything that has been killed still lives. Typical of shows I like, Wikipedia says this: "Despite a cult following, Fox canceled the show in March 2002 after poor ratings."

This Blog's Brand

Got a nice email today from Gordon, a longtime reader from I don't know where, who noted how often I change the banner at the top of the blog. He said the feet in the grass version wasn't doing a good job of conveying the concept of "Where's My Jetpack?" I had to agree and took his advice to change it back to the 60s-era astronaut standing in the water of some idyllic Tahitian resort.

I have a Photoshop document that consists of over 70 layers just for that banner and I change it as often as I wash my jeans, which is to say about once a week. One thing that remains a constant in the banner is the inclusion of Major Mike Adams, an Air Force test pilot who died in the California desert in 1967. (You can see the original image here.)

There is a nonchalant cool conveyed in that photograph and Adams seems impatient to be posing. He almost sneers at the photographer as he stands with his weight on one leg. There is something very American about that picture. It's got attitude, rebellion and patriotism all at once. It speaks to me of a healthy discontentedness with the way things are and a desire to make them better. It pretty much shouts, "Where's My Jetpack?"

Somewhere a Mexican Bartender Wants His Royalties

Who knows how it started? My guess is it was down at Rosarito Beach in Baja, back in the days when you could eat lobster, rice and beans all night and drink like a king for next to nothing. The beachside bartender stuck a lime in a Corona for some underage surfer girl who didn't like the taste of sub-par Mexican beer. She went, "OHMIGAWD! This is RAD!" and proceeded to get drunk.

Fast forward a couple decades. Corona, a beer once considered human urine by Americans is now a major player. Its brand is fun and firmly established. And now the big American breweries (Miller, Bud) have to create a lime-infused beer in a lame game of catch-up.

I'd hate to have to work on that account.

Click for Maximum Flavor

Oh, This Poor Child

Imagine your Dad draws Toothpaste for Dinner, Married to the Sea and now Superpoop. That would be weird enough. Then imagine your Mom draws Natalie Dee. Kid's gonna have a strange and interesting life. And baby gets off to a cruel start with the news that "Our insurance company has gone to great lengths to deny us coverage for all of this." Welcome to America, little one.

Drew shares the joy here with words I can safely say no new father has ever uttered: "I could sit and watch her sleep for hours, like a COPS marathon. The cutest, least crack-havingest COPS marathon ever."

SoCal Burning - Again

Nice captivating shot of residents fleeing the burning hills of LA, from the AP.

Oh, Man - We're an Angry Country

Here's my second installment of "The Spin," the comic created by commenters on America's insanely partisan blogs. The woman with the ponytail gets her words from The Huffington Post, a far left spot, while the woman with the shorter hair gets her words from Town Hall, equally far right. (Yes, that's the classic Microsoft "Bliss" image in the background, a not-so-subtle wish that this stuff could ratchet down a couple notches.)

Click for the bigness

This new series was inspired by the purchase of some Frisbees yesterday.

Time is Running Out on Watchmakers

Chances are you are not an astronaut or a fighter pilot. You're probably not a Navy SEAL. And I'm not really going out on any limbs to doubt that few of you are secret agents, competitive yachtsmen or race car drivers.

The New York Times included this morning a "special advertising supplement" (66 pages) devoted exclusively to "luxury timepieces." Or "chronographs." These are those things that used to be called "watches." You wear them on your wrist and glance down at them, just in case you didn't see the clock on your computer, your phone, the one in your car, the three in the kitchen, the one on the cable box and the one on the DVD player.


I was in a meeting not long ago in which sat about 12 people ranging in age from 25 to 45. Men and women, professionals all, and not a one of us was wearing a watch. We made mention of this and it was agreed that there was no point anymore in wearing a watch. Watchmakers know this is happening and they're seeing their sales fall. Included in the NYT's glossy watch magazine was a two-page spread asking a bunch of smug, white CEOs of watch companies, "Why do you wear a watch?" They gave answers like, "A watch reflects my attitude," and "A watch is a private piece of art," and "It is all about unlimited pleasure and fantastic emotion." OK. As long as we agree that it's just an accessory at this point and is not really used for keeping time. And I need to spend thousands of dollars for this thing that has devolved into a status symbol?

Good luck, watchmakers. I'm sure the NYT was glad to take your money for what will prove to be a failed effort. I understand that in hard economic times it is important to advertise, but you are selling something no one really needs or can really afford right now.

Previously in watch rants: Never Seem to Find the Time

Post-It Prank

Someone got creative on a minivan in the neighborhood overnight.