Five Reasons Why College Football is Better Than The NFL

Pro football has become increasingly more glitzy, with video and sound effects on the broadcasts that are forced, out of place and more suited to video games. There's a "Vegas shine" to pro football that smacks of show business, pyrotechnics and everything that is superficial about America. College ball is just...better.

1. Hustle. College players are playing for the pro scouts. They are hoping to be noticed. They even get back to the huddle with more energy than pro players. (And less showboating.)
   
2. Loyalty. A college player isn't going to another team next year, donning the new jersey and cap while at a press conference talking about how excited he is to be playing in a new city.
3. Purity. College players aren't getting paid. They hope to some day, but for now, they play because they're good at the game and they love it.
4. Pride. Even after they enter the pros, the starting lineup of any NFL team will announce with pride the school they came from. School spirit trumps civic pride any day.
5. Crowds. A college team's fans are the largest, most rabid, loud, fun group of partisan loyalists ever to watch a game. And they are far more die-hard and less prone to fair-weather status than NFL fans.

What prompted this post? The San Diego Chargers have pissed me off again, losing, like a bunch of losing losers; a bunch of overpaid losers who have an overpaid loser coach who is a loser and specializes in losing. They make me hate the NFL today. (And all their sponsors.)

Copyright Police Have a Sense of Humor After All

I guess they've decided not to fight it and just play along. As long as they can advertise on the video's page.

From the Desk of

Dear RadioFreeBabylon,

Your video "Sweet Soul Alabama" has been identified by YouTube's Content Identification program as containing copyrighted content which UMG claims is theirs.

Your video "Sweet Soul Alabama" is still available because UMG does not object to this content appearing on YouTube at this time. As long as UMG has a claim on your video, they will receive public statistics about your video, such as number of views. Viewers may also see advertising on your video's page.

Sir Smug & Son

Money Won't Buy You Happiness...
But It Can Sure Rent it For a Long Time.

I actually like the concept behind the ads for Patek Philippe watches - that you don't really own one, you just take care of it for your offspring - but their choice of models is bugging me. The man on the left could play a sophisticated Satan in a supernatural thriller, while the guy on the right is the perfect frat-boy, rich-kid stereotype who gets it in the end in a teen romantic comedy.

Click for maximum class envy

Here's more mean, watch advertising commentary.

This Is Just Not Right

Currently, the Boise State Broncos are ranked in the top 10 in college football. They are also 64 and 2 at home since 1999. That is a very serious home field advantage. Could it be that visiting teams are too busy freaking out about playing on the world's ugliest football field to keep their heads in the game?

Since 1986, Boise State has had this hideous blue football field, an abomination of sport, no matter what sport you're a fan of. Unless it's basketball or sand volleyball, sport is meant to be played on grass, or on fake grass that at least looks like real grass. This field is literally making me feel nauseous. That might be because I had too much to drink last night.

Still, I am petitioning the NCAA to blow up this field.

Attention Boise State Fans: This is not a sports forum. I am sure you are very proud of your Broncos. Good luck the rest of the season. My Dad was born in Idaho. My grandfather, too. Your state is beautiful. I ate some of your potatoes last night. One of the bloggers I read lives in your city. I just hate your field. Save your rantings and foaming rabid fan talk for sites that care about that stuff. And Go Gators!

Land Paddling

It's not quite a jetpack, but it's pretty fun.

I was on the website of longboard manufacturer Kahuna Creations and was intrigued by the "Big Stick," a device that allows you to essentially stay on your skateboard and "paddle" down the road, no kicking involved. You can also use the rubber tip for breaking. It looked like a lot of fun, and it gives a "rowing" workout to skateboarding. But at $150 for a stick with a piece of rubber at the end, I thought, "Nah."

So I went to Lowe's and bought a rake handle and some of those chair-leg rubber things that keep your hardwood floors from getting scratched. Stick rubber thing on end of rake handle. Done. Cost: about $10.

Works good, lasts a long time. See below.

Somebody Found Some Lame 3D Animation Software

And is using it all over these ads for The Mattress Barn, a Florida chain of barns...of mattresses. Local advertising at its most heinous, making viewers wonder if they make their commercials this poorly on purpose.

I smell an egomaniacal, control-freak owner (notice his giant picture on the delivery truck) who insists on being in his own ads, concepting, writing, directing and producing, making sure to find the cheapest production house in town. "And I want a miniature, animated Me in all my spots. Make his voice high and annoying like mine, only speed it up a little bit."

Direct Mail I Failed to Throw Away

I got this in the mail during the election season, when the unrepentant Karl Rove blow-up doll Sean Hannity was hyping it as a tool against Obama. I just uncovered it under a pile of papers. Now seems like a good time to watch it.

I Will Watch This One Day

Yesterday the agenda at Casa de Jetpacks consisted mainly of getting caught up on movie-watching. (We'll do the big feast thing tonight.) Among them, Bourne Ultimatum, Oceans 13, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and an oldie (1995) I hadn't seen yet, To Die For, starring Nicole Kidman as herself. Unless a film requires viewing on the big screen, like the upcoming The Day The Earth Stood Still, starring Keanu Reeves as himself, it's On Demand around here.

I have become a huge fan of this newer, improved Frat Pack that eclipses the old Vince Vaughn/Ben Stiller gang. They are putting out comedies at an astonishing rate that are pretty good films. (Vaughn is in yet another Christmas movie that looks horrendous, playing himself.) The group includes a couple of crossovers from the old gang, like Will Ferrell and Paul Rudd. And while you can tell this film below is going to follow the formulaic "inappropriate humor delivered by guys who refuse to grow up ending in a life lesson about doing the right thing" template, you can also tell that it will deliver the funny.

I Should Update the Microsoft Spellchecker

And simply click "add" so that this word doesn't get the red squiggly underline anymore. But I don't as a reminder that Google and Microsoft are mortal enemies, and that Microsoft purposely did not include the word "Google" in their dictionary because they hate them that much. Maybe subsequent versions gave in, but I'm sure the hate is still just as real.

Resistance is futile, Ballmer.

And speaking of rivalries and things Microsoft hates, I used to be a die-hard PC guy, not willing to go along with the cultists who love their Macs so much that they have little Apple stickers on their cars, but as my gig at CubeWorld^TM comes to an end next week, I realize how much I will miss my Mac. Mac is just way better, less prone to failure and far more intuitive. If I were working on the Mac campaign, my suggested tagline would be "Way better." But really, I will miss my Mac mostly for the Apple+shift+4 selective screen grab feature, which makes things like grabbing the above image so much easier, making blogging from work that much stealthier.

Capitalize on Obama

A cottage industry is taking shape around our 44th President. Recession? Nonsense. Just sell Obama stuff. He'll be everywhere before long. People can't seem to get enough of the guy. His weekly Presidential radio address will be on YouTube. ( Damn! It already is. That's pretty presumptuous*.) You can play it over and over again and take comfort from his confident smile and kind eyes.Not enough for you? Listen to him read his own book on your iPhone. How about a t-shirt? The travel and hotel industries are seeing a nice surge in business thanks to the upcoming inauguration. And it won't end there. This is at least a 4-year celebration. I guarantee you this guy's image will be on your money some day, and now is the time for you to make money off of his image! And he can't sue you! This will make the Princess Diana celebrity industry look like a church bake sale.

Pretty soon little girls will be wanting to wear whatever the Obama girls are wearing and there's a very good chance that women will be requesting "the Michelle" at hair salons the world over. Black suits are in. And so are pale blue silk ties. Dog breeders will be doing a brisk business when the Obamas finally select a puppy. I expect more men to join gyms and try to hone their hoop skills. Body-surfing tours of Hawaii should be picking up shortly.

And every time some new tidbit of information leaks out of the Obama White House, like "Barack seen eating M&Ms!" you can bet the sales of whatever is mentioned will go up. I expect to see interviews of the White House chef so that we can all eat like the Obama family and buy the things they like.

This guy is already single-handedly improving the economy. Notice gas prices lately? Obama did that. Tomorrow's supposed to be the biggest shopping day of the year, but retailers are worried. Nonsense! It's called "Black Friday" for a reason now! I feel a sense of hope in the air, don't you? We can thank Obama. Why not start your own Rainbows and Unicorns store? Now's the time. Don't be late. Hurry, act now!

Let's get busy branding our Obama thongs and designing Obama tattoos. There's work to be done.

Yes you can.

* Sean Hannity/Rush Limbaugh code for "uppity."

America is Tired of Watching the Detroit Lions on Thanksgiving

Google's query suggestion tool is creepy and accurate, like some sort of mind-reader. Or I just asked the obvious question that everyone else is asking.That's exactly what I wanted to know, and I guess it works by how many searches a particular query gets, meaning this question is more popular than "Why does Detroit suck? or "Why does Detroit even have a football team?" or "Why does Detroit bother to make cars anymore?" all of which aren't even offered as options.

Sadly, "Where's My Jetpack?" requires I get all the way to the "j" in jetpack before Google gives me any love.

This Is What It's Like

My co-workers are leaving early with well-wishes for a Happy Thanksgiving. My blogger friends post the same nice tidings. My Twitter feed is full of turkey talk and expressions of thanks, while we all look forward to a weekend of football and food. (Go Gators.)

Our lives often suck, but they could be worse.

And so, from the bottom of the pan of candied yams, where the sticky-sweet goo of brown sugar and marshmallows pool, I give you this syrupy, thankful lyric.

(There is no music yet, except in my head, so you're free to set these verses in your mind to whatever genre/beat pleases you.)

This Is What It's Like

From the forthcoming project Time's New Romans

What’s that shine in your eye?
yeah, you’re such a good spy
Have you been getting high?
I like the way you move
Slinky—with a groove
Not a thing you need to prove

So if the world stopped now
has it been a good ride?
Could you get off happy?
Did you have a good time?
And if it all ends tonight
would you die with regret?
Was there something you wanted?
Was there something unmet?

Well I’m glad you’re not let down
and I’m glad you can see
that this is what it’s like

to be happy

And if the money don’t show
and the car won’t go
and the dream is moving slow
Take a walk ‘round the block
Stop and take stock
Just listen—try not to talk

And you know it makes sense
to be at home in the stream
not looking past the trees
but living the dream
And when you’re going with the current
you expect to get wet
Keep your head above water
‘cause we’re not there yet

Well I’m glad you’re not let down
and I’m glad you can see
that this is what it’s like
This is what it’s like
This is what it’s like

to be happy

©2008 Radio Free Babylon. All Rights Reserved. For Whatever That's Worth.

More Thanksgiving thoughts over here.

We've Always Hated Advertising

Here's an old ad (1956) caught hating on ads. From the copy: "You can also shut off long, annoying commercials while picture remains on screen!" Now we call that the mute button. And under the close-up of the "flash tuner" we find this reassuring note: "Absolutely harmless to humans." Sorry about your comatose dog and the boiled fish in the aquarium. And I count no less than 7 exclamation points in the copy.

Uncomfortable sackcloth chair sold separately.

Click for natural image enhancement

It's Now a Part of The Pop Lexicon

At least for the next couple of weeks, which is how pop-culture works these days. It's Toyota's much-maligned "Saved By Zero" commercial set to a re-dubbed GI Joe cartoon. Or maybe that's a re-dubbed GI Joe cartoon set to a "Saved by Zero" commercial. Whatever. Enjoy the random.



Oddly, Universal Music Group refuses to allow embedding of the original video from 80s band The Fixx. You'd think a record label would take any press and exposure it could get in this market. I'm sure The Fixx are enjoying their renewed notoriousness notoriety infamy fame.

Be Sure Your Spam Will Find You Out

I don't remember signing up to follow Bobbi-Jo Frazier on Twitter, but I'll be sure to remove her now.

Attention, Bobbi-Jo: You're doing it wrong. You're going to kill Twitter with this type of tweet. If you get ANY business from this method of soliciting your "friends," I will write a blog post on your success as a Twitter marketer.

I don't expect to have to write that blog post.

"His Confident Smile and Kind Eyes"

It's not quite a painting of Elvis on black velvet, but I suspect that's coming soon. We're striving for new lows in American kitsch with this gem - and this gem of a production from The American Historic Society. To have been assigned this abomination of a script to read would be pure torture. Behold, "The Victory Plate."

What? Was I Supposed to Lie?

Review of the Keifer Sutherland Whisper-Fest

Fresh out of the drunk tank and ready to save Africa The World, Keifer Sutherland returned last night as "Jack Bauer" on Fox's 24 - Redemption, a two-hour teaser to the upcoming season. Seeing Jon Voight in the first couple of minutes was an instant downer. Seeing Madame President Allison Taylor, very obviously modeled on Hillary Clinton, right down to the five-syllable name, was even more depressing.

Jack is his usual self. Uttering cliches in his husky whisper (while squinting) and full of self-loathing for the things he has done, he is now some sort of farmhand missionary, working with an old Special Forces buddy (who you know will be dead by the end of this thing) at some school for lost boys in Sengala, a fake African country, lest the writers piss off any real African countries.

Bad men want the boys as soldiers. The US Government wants Jack under arrest. Can they all make it to the embassy in time for the last (shades of Vietnam) helicopter? Yes. Yes they can. But first, Jack must be tortured (it's in Sutherland's contract) and also kill a regiment of thugs by himself.

Cisco gets its usual product placement shot, this time as the secure visual communication tool of choice for none other than outgoing president Powers Boothe, who snarls and drinks in his very Powers Boothian way.

The show was also peppered with commercials for some charity that helps lost boys in Africa escape bad men who want them as soldiers, with Kefier himself doing stand-ups for the agency, leaving you with that "Kirk Cameron talks to kids about drugs" feeling after a special edition of Growing Pains.

It was a long wait and a big let-down. But Jack is now redeemed and he can go back to killing with wanton abandon. In January.

Flash Trash

Visiting Wonkette and was served this pop-under ad for some e-card site. (Thank you, Tribal Fusion. Whores. Or pimps. I'm not sure.)

It's an animated augmented woman, getting ready to take off her dress and reveal to me her giant plastic floatie-toys. Yeah, I want to send this e-card to a friend. The kind of friend who just discovered the Internet and thinks animated birthday cards are so hilarious!

Which reminds me: I once worked with a guy who when he was 18 was in a relationship with a 16-year-old. Her parents disapproved and turned him in to the law. He was subsequently put into some sort of deviant database for 20 years and was required to undergo counseling. The following conversation actually took place between that guy and another of my co-workers:

Guy 1: They'd ask questions like, "Have you ever been sexually aroused by a cartoon character?"! I was like, "What is this? Am I having fantasies about cartoons?"
Guy 2: I don't know, man. Pocahontas was pretty hot.

Blame The Recession

Cold Call Carl, like most good salespeople, believes that behind every "Don't Ever Call Here Again," there is a potential customer just waiting to be swayed.

Click to share his optimism

More Cold Call Comics.

Let's Not Overthink This

Jay Dixit, writing at Salon.com, goes way overboard on the lolcats phenomenon.

My turn.

bigger is better

If You Buy This Book, You Are, How Shall We Say, "Not So Smart"

What a waste of effort on the "authors" parts. What a waste of money if you buy it.

Everything you need to know about blogging I already wrote here.

Cold Call Carl - Rejected Again

Click for the Maxi

Previously in Cold Call Carl

Myopic America Shocked to Learn India Has a Navy

And they sunk a pirate ship! Whoa!

Tim Siedell, aka "Bad Banana" says, "I blame Johnny Depp for glamorizing the pirate lifestyle."

He's right, to a degree. This old Tampa Bay Buccaneers logo had something to do with it as well.

Most men imagine themselves a bit of the rakish rogue, but when your pirate ship gets sunk by the Indian Navy, "Talk Like a Pirate Day" stops being fun. And your Captain Morgan pose? Not funny.

Brrrrrrrrr!

(Sorry. A little bit. Not really.)

With Life-Like Violence

You know a company is going through tough times not just by the layoffs, but by the inattention to building and facilities maintenance.

The Galaga machine down in the employee lounge has had a faulty power supply for over a month and no one has been out to fix it. Having conquered that game and owning all high scores, I was forced to turn my attention to Tekken Tag. Today I beat the final level.

I believe my work here is done.

Thomas Kinkade - Maker of Movies

For those not familiar with Thomas Kinkade—Painter of Light, he is the American king of "inspirational" art, renowned for such stunning works as "Graceland Christmas" and "NASCAR Thunder," details from both shown here. He has catered to a "christian" customer base throughout his career, with a heavy reliance on Bible bookstores and James Dobson tie-ins.

He has now made a movie to inspire dozens. Based on his life, of course. Straight to DVD, of course. Disappointingly, Peter O'Toole and Chris Elliot both have roles in the film.

Previously in "Catering to Christians":
Fishy Electrician Man

Because Chistmas Is Only More Than A Month Away

Punching around on the "seek" feature on my drive in, I heard Christmas music on the radio. In mid-November. It seems an already horrible Orlando radio station* has made itself even worse this week by being the first to adopt the "All Shitty Christmas Music—All The Fucking Time" format. If I were an advertiser on this station, I'd be plenty pissed. How can this possibly be listened to, except maybe in retail environments? And even there the employees and shoppers must be going, "shut UP!"

* They ditched an alt-rock format this year for Oldies/Classic Hits.

Band Names from Google News

Bringing back an old feature, wherein I invent names for your fledgling musical group based on today's headlines, with explanations in footnotes.

Here are 172 more.

• Keep Your Chair¹
• Space Station Lube²
• Super Tanker Pirate³
• Too Sick to Travel⁴
• Cuban Cubs⁵
• Gorillas and Guerillas⁶
• Cool to Amnesty⁷

1. Democrats tell Lieberman to shut up and do as he's told and keep his silly little chairmanship of whatever, which they will strip him of as soon as he steps out of line.
2. Astronauts are doing an oil change on the International Space Station.
3. A Saudi oil tanker is being hijacked off Somalia.
4. Michael Jackson's doctor says he can't make it to some court case, even though you know he ran to Macy's when he heard "boys pants are half-off."
5. Mark "Asshole" Cuban was trying to buy the Chicago Cubs.
6. Somewhere in that giant country of Africa, I think in the Congo, a bunch of rebel fighters are messing with the habitat of some precious endangered species.
7. US not so sure they want to grant immunity to a Taliban guy.

Why Your Presidents Get So Old So Fast

It’s going to be sad for many Americans to watch Barack Obama age right before our eyes over the next few years. But it happens to all Presidents. Here’s George Bush, the dashing young Republican star, when he took office in 2000, and as he appears today, a hearing-impaired, sad and withered man.


Many speculate that it is the pressure of the job that wears these men down. No, it’s not. How hard is to it have everything done for you and once in a while make a speech? Oh, sure, you occasionally have to make a “tough” decision. But that’s after you’ve been told what to decide by countless advisers. You’re simply the Decider in Chief. All the thinking is done for you.

What really wears these guys down are the secrets of the job. Few people know what a new President is privy to. I will tell you. I don’t want to shake your faith in America, but it’s better to be an informed citizen than an ignorant one.

Just as a new CEO of Disney is taken to the basement of Cinderella’s Castle to pay homage to the cryogenically frozen head of Walt Disney, a new President, immediately after being sworn-in, is whisked to the basement of the US Capitol to hear The Truth from the Secret Shadow Government. They let him in on the following facts:

• All decisions are subject to the approval of The Masons, who have a tunnel that leads directly to the Oval Office from their National Headquarters.
• Everything you've heard about Area 51 is true, but it is nothing compared to Area 52, where the Lizard Aliens control the weather and concoct the chemtrail mixtures.
• JFK ordered his own assassination.
  
• The Spice Girls were CIA counter-intelligence operatives. Well, all of them except Posh.
• Air Force One, the Presidential plane, is remote-controlled from the moon, where a large Air Force base was built in the 60s during the Apollo missions. Space Shuttle missions are nothing more than food and medicine deliveries.
• The Russians are our eternal friends and allies. We keep up the illusion of tension in order to keep other nations fearful and subjugated.
• The NFL is rigged. Referees are actually robots, pre-programmed to throw games as dictated by the Vegas gambling bosses.
• It's not just Elmer's Glue, but Cheetos, Doritos and most other snack foods are made from retired race horses.
  

There are so many more secrets, but it would take me days to write them all. And after they tell him these things, the Overlords place a permanent monitoring device in the new President's head that reads his thoughts. If he so much as thinks of spilling the American secrets he knows, even to his wife late at night in bed, the Overlords deliver an electric shock to his private parts.

Who wouldn't age quickly under those circumstances?

Good luck, Obama. We'll try to remember you as the innocent, young guy you are now.

Yay, Memories

The award for Best Actress in a Comedy Commercial goes to this lady, playing "Nancy" in the latest AT&T "Didn't Get That Call" series. The series' premise is smart; people narrating a disastrous scene from their life that could've been avoided with AT&T. In this one, the notion of a bunch of 5-year-olds being terrorized by a giant dinosaur at a birthday party is hilarious. Nancy's reaction is just as funny. The radio ad with the same script is equally well-done.

Chocolate Tuxes, Orange Dresses

click for the huge 300dpi

Happened upon this wedding party in a park in Altamonte Springs on Saturday at dusk.

Airstream Product Placement

The caption of this official NASA image reads: "Crew members for space shuttle Endeavour's STS-126 mission pause by the Astrovan to wave to spectators before their ride to Launch Pad 39A at NASA's Kennedy Space Center."

Yeah. They called it an Astrovan. Doesn't matter. Everyone knows who built this thing.

The script logo above the astronaut on the far right reads very clearly, "Airstream." This image might as well be captioned: "The coolest RV ever invented. So cool, astronauts cruise around in it. Airstream rules. NASA uses Airstream. All other motor-homes, trailers and RVs can kiss our silver, streamlined ass."

See another very cool Airstream here, designed by Design Within Reach.

Stalking The Wild Plaid

I went on a daring mission this morning, chasing the elusive Plaid in downtown Orlando. I unfortunately shut down the camera before they figured out who I was, so the ensuing confusion and hilarity was not documented. The button I toss to them at the end was one of their own, from their recent West Coast tour.

Orlando Turns Plaid

Caught up with the world-renowned Plaid gang this afternoon in downtown Orlando. Plaid is here on their annual end-of-year regroup, where they assess what worked and what didn't. Had a great lunch and finally got to put faces to the people I've been collaborating with recently. Later, I'll upload the video of me stalking them at Lake Eola, where they were actually having a meeting.

The Internet Makes People Think They're More Important Than They Are

It gets bigger

Title and accompanying pop-up inspired by zoneviii's Twitter feed.

Saturday Morning Cartoons

The stuff you accidentally find on YouTube is 95% crap, 3% OK. This falls into the undefinable and missing 2%. I was searching for a horrible ad for Big Bob's Flooring Outlet when this came up, from Shoepie.

Obama Looking for People Who've Never Seen a Computer

...to help run his administration.
Here's one of the questions from the incoming administration's lengthy questionnaire for potential employees:

Electronic communications: If you have ever sent an electronic communication, including but not limited to an email, text message or instant message, that could suggest a conflict of interest or be a possible source of embarrassment to you, your family, or the president-elect if it were made public, please describe.

So, assuming everyone guilty goes to the bottom of the pile, that leaves only Ted Stevens and John McCain to help Obama run the country.

Hannity: HEY! He can't even lift his arms to comb his hair! It's not his fault he can't use a computer!
Jetpacks: STFU, Sean.

Via 23/6.

Notes on a Meeting #8 - Fake It

A couple more characters for the comic strip. These are "The Fakers." They're not exclusive to office environments. I'm sure you know a few. But really, this type is easier to deal with than the constantly-down "Moper," forever depressing everyone with sad tales of real life trouble. In our superficial culture, when we ask, "How's it going?" we don't really want to hear anything besides, "Fine." It's a greeting, not an invitation to unload.
Follow the trail of "Notes on a Meeting."

When Do The Rest of Us Get Our Bailouts?

Click for Copy

Why This Depression Will Be Cooler Than The Last One

This one will be live-blogged, tweeted, facebooked and texted. All of your friends getting laid off and looking for work are telling you about it in real time.

Back then, in the Sucky Great Depression, you'd have to wait months for Johnny out in Nebraska to scrape together 2¢ to find a stamp and an envelope. Then he scratched his bad news on a spent matchbook with a gnawed-down rat bone and sent it to you in the mail. By the time you heard Johnny was at the end of his rope, he'd probably already hanged himself. At least now we can say, "Hey, now! Chin up, Johnny! Life's not so bad! There's a breadline I just Googled not 5 minutes from where you are right now. I'll text ahead and save you a loaf."

You'll know it's really bad when your friends don't tweet, email or IM anymore.

Buy American

How dare you ask "Why?" Because it's the American thing to do!

And if you don't, the government will make sure these failed car companies stay in business, because we're Americans and we stick by Americans, even when they suck at their jobs, and they build an inferior product, and they pay their employees too much, and they ignore market demand.

What's wrong with you? You hate America?

Clicken Machen Grossen Imagen

I find myself firmly in the "Let Them Die" camp on this one. It's business. You failed. You eat it. Don't saddle me with your fuck-ups.

It's Got a Certain Tang to It

I'm reminded of a couple lines of dialog from the movie The Sandlot.
Phillips: Tomorrow. Noon, at our field. Be there, buffalo-butt breath.
Ham Porter: Count on it, pee-drinking crap-face!

Lemme Hold a Dollar

Steve Morris, President of Arbitron Ratings, gambles that I'll be more likely to participate in his company's radio survey if he sends me a crisp dollar bill in the mail. This will probably not happen. What I will do, Steve, is learn from your gambling example and spend this dollar on the Florida Lottery. If I win, I will buy a radio station.


Previously in "Dollars Thrown Away in the Mail":
Guilt as Motivator

Eleven Eleven

Another Ugly Day of Cardboard Boxes and Tears

This time it's the IT department getting whittled down to next-to-nothing, with lots of long faces and huddles of survivors in the corridors of CubeWorld^TM, wondering how they escaped this round and whispering about when their turn before the Executioners of HR is coming.

On the bright side, when Obama is President, there will be lots and lots of people working in construction and the Peace Corps and National Service, building roads and bridges, monorails and moving sidewalks, teaching children to love their country while we all work together, making a beautiful world where rainbows shine and unicorns sing under a cloudless sky. That sure will be nice.

My Bananas Are Laughing at Me

Fruitvertising is now speaking the text, directing me to this site, "comically" (and perhaps bawdily) named "Eat a Chiquita," where, judging by the random things strewn on the school desk, latchkey stoner children can "interact with the brand" while learning about their bananas.


Cute. I suppose.

Previously in Text Speak:
Bossman Speaking The Text Again

If I Can't Have Her, I'll Shoot Her New Dude's Dog

That'll win her back, I'm sure. Romantic Dispute leads to Dog Shooting.

(Picture from Virginia Aussie Rescue.)

Yawn...Another Jetpack Book

I'm joking, it might not be a snoozer. I haven't read it yet, but I'm quoted in it. Here is a review of the book from Time. (Click the image above to buy it from Amazon.)

The author, a NYC freelancer, contacted me months ago asking a few questions. According to him, my contribution to the book goes as follows:

Intrigued, I instant messaged with the site's operator, a man whose screen name is jetpackjockey.
Me: so...you're really into jetpacks. so am i.
Two minutes later, jetpackjockey responded: it's more of a joke about what they said would be "in the future"
Me: and nothing says future like a jetpack, right?
Jetpackjockey: absolutely
Me: what is the allure?
Jetpackjockey: I think there is a general disillusionment among people who grew up with a futuristic fantasy—a feeling like we got ripped off almost—nothing's changed and the world is going to hell faster than ever.

So if you're reading this blog thanks to Mac Montandon's new book, welcome. I hope you don't expect lots of talk about jetpacks here. Sure, I'd love a jetpack someday, but this isn't really about pursuing that dream. My last statement in that IM pretty well sums up this blog. It's your basic culture trashing and disaffected ranting about random stuff, with the occasional homemade comic thrown in. I probably focus most on my chosen profession, advertising. You'll also find a bit of political and religious humor that's often not funny at all. Let me again quote an esteemed Australian professor of philosophy, who summed it up this way:

[Where's My Jetpack?] "...disrupts the everyday and the opinionated links we make between words (& art & music) and experience; the links that speak as if the world were easily translatable into a common language and experience that we all share."

And I still have no idea what that means.

Congratulations on the publishing, Mac, and I look forward to reading it. One of these days.

Wizard Robes For The Whole Family

Or you can just pretend you're a Jedi...or a monk

Grandpa looks especially mysterious in his easy-chair, studying his Book of Sorcery.

And this lengthy spot has that classic yet highly ridiculous set-up style: "Don't you just hate the hassle of blankets?"

Best-Selling Author Picks Up Side Job

...as President, surely a modest-paying gig compared to what he makes from book sales. I know the book sales are climbing due to his win, but still, this guy is too successful. I predict he gets a walk-on spot with the Washington Wizards his first month in office and then cures cancer in his basement laboratory in the White House in February. In March he will invent a decent electric car while at the same time discovering vast stores of oil in Appalachia, ensuring an economic windfall for all the hill-folk who voted against him, thus ensuring a landslide re-election in 2012.