Classic Rock Mailman

It'll get bigger if you click it.

If there's one noise that can send me straight for the "off" button, it's the sound of the band Boston with their stupid fuzzy guitars that always sound the same, no matter what ancient and lame song they're playing.

You could avoid playing most classic rock acts ever again and make 90% of the country happy. (Some bands, Zeppelin comes to mind, stand the test of time and get rediscovered by later generations.) Unfortunately, there are enough classic rock fans out there to keep at least one classic rock station on the air in most major markets. (They are REQUIRED in small markets.) And the playlist will always have way too much Boston on it. (And REO Shitwagon!)

The mailman here at work is always cranking it up to 11 as he drives up to our mailroom. He inspired this silly image, using the head of classic rock guitarist Luther Dickinson, who does not fall into the unlistenable category by any means.

I think this could be an SNL skit.

His Parents Must Be Proud

MOM: What’s the matter, Ken?
DAD: I dunno. I’m worried about Dan.
MOM: Our son is just fine, hon. What are you worried about?
DAD: Well, when Dan said he was going into modeling, I wasn’t really thrilled, but I tried to be encouraging.
MOM: He struggled in those early years, but he stuck with it. And you were very encouraging.
DAD: Those underwear ads weren’t much fun to explain to the guys at the club. I’d hoped he’d maybe get a Bass Pro Shops catalog gig or something, I don’t know…manly. Hold a fishing rod, wear a hunting vest, drive a boat or something.
MOM: He was in that ad for Budweiser.
DAD: The gay one, yeah. Where he’s sizing up some other guy at a bar.
MOM: Well, I think his new job is just great. I’m very proud of our Danny.
DAD: Danny is a fucking energy saving light bulb, Cathy!
MOM: And a very handsome energy saving light bulb! You be nice when he comes over tonight.

Candidate Logo Comparison

Austere. Serious. We're at war and there is one thing you need to understand: I've been in a war. McCain's logo is all about reminding you of his military service, starting with Navy blue and gold. From there, however, he reminds you of what was wrong with his military career. In an almost sad reminder to himself that he never achieved the rank of admiral like his father and grandfather before him, he awards himself that star. Then, he adorns the star with what could be considered wings, reminding us that he was a pilot, a pilot who graduated fifth to last in his class at Annapolis, not usually a place from which the Navy selects its flight school candidates. Unless your dad and grandpa are admirals.Obama's logo wants you to dream of a new land, an Oz-like landscape where farms produce patriotic foods and the dawn breaks like a sunny-side-up egg on the horizon. Obama's logo is a healthy breakfast of eggs and bacon. It is also doubles as an "O". He wisely uses red, white and blue, letting you know that even though he doesn't wear a flag pin, he thinks the colors are cool. He borrows slightly from the Bank of America logo, turning the stripes of the flag into a farm field. Obama's logo could double as a logo for some organic food packaging, with only slight color modifications to pale greens and tans.

Thanks to Thom Dinsdale for pointing out in the comments the web addresses, which I deleted from Obama's logo in the original post. To McCain's credit, he gets the long-ago accepted standardization of eliminating "www" from his URL. It's pretty well understood these days that ".com" means we are to go online.

Bringing Things to Make You Sing

Remember when the "M" in MTV stood for music? That responsibility is now YouTube's. Here are a bunch of live performances of songs I should have on my player.

• One of the prettiest, most unintelligible songs Pearl Jam ever did. But in Copenhagen, the crowd knows every word.
• In another life, Sananda Maitreya was known as Terence Trent D'Arby, and the man was phenomenal.
• Jack Johnson performs at Tower Records, which is no place to escape the sing-along groupies.
• Before he was a fat clown self-parody recycling his own songs for another dead blonde, Elton John had a funky side.
• Speaking of Elton John, some San Diego based guy named Jimmy Lewis nails Amoreena for a small crowd.
• Just three nights ago, someone in the crowd at the Greek Theater in LA captured Alison Krause and Robert Plant performing Battle of Evermore in the first of their two sold-out nights. (Good review here.)
• I feel bad for bands like Marcy Playground, who will never equal their debut success, captured here in Germany.
• Chances are that the modern Western music you listen to is rooted in and indebted to the music of Son House*, among others. Here is House performing John The Revelator a capella.

Yes, I did this once before.

* Trivia Note: If you visit my URL Where's My Jetpack?, you can find the picture of Mr. House (above) in the window.

How Disney Spins a Miscalculation

The Masters of Illusion. The Cult of The Mouse. The Price-Gouging Bringer of All Manner of Eurotrash To My Town.

I can go on forever with derogatory terms for the company that built Orlando, but they know what they're doing at all times. When everyone else is reporting dismal quarterly earnings, Disney's earnings go up 22%.

Disneyworld's Pleasure Island, a collection of themed clubs and hangouts that draw not just tourists, but many locals, will soon see the shuttering of six of those clubs. Company officials acknowledge that customers want "more broad-based dining and retail options." Broad-based? Is that code for, "Not enough blacks were frequenting the BET Soundstage Club," one of the clubs on the doomed list? Maybe it's copy like this, from the Pleasure Island website, that failed to connect with BET fans:

BET Soundstage™ Club – Bust a move on over to this two-story soundstage environment and groove on down to the dance floor where the DJ spins phat tunes from the latest hip-hop to old-school R&B favorites.

Bust a move? Groove on down? Phat? Yeah, best to shut that club fast. Surprised they didn't say "Slap my hand, black soul man!"

Also doomed: 8 Trax, a club that sounds like a nightmare if you believe the web copy:

8 Trax – Boogie oogie oogie to this '70s and '80s club for all your retro dancing favorites. If you love to get down to the Bee Gees, Donna Summer and the Village People, make tracks over to 8 Trax!

And what will Disney do with the closed clubs? In typical Disney-speak, which is akin to political-speak, they will only say that they have "A Bold New Vision."

Translation: More Harley-Davidson and NASCAR-themed stuff.

Slap a Slogan on a Logo and Let's Roll

As political ads go, it's got better production values than most. What stands out is the not so subtle slogan Senator McCain has affixed above his name (that is not so subtly adorned with a military star).


Better still: "The other guy is a friend of terrorists and would actually TALK to that crazy fucker in Iran who says the Holocaust didn't happen. Did I mention I was a prisoner of war?"

Sadly, this little line, "Putting country first" will be on the lips of all the talk-show drones and spilling from the keyboards of blog commenters as they parrot in defense of their candidate, "McCain will put America first!" Expect to hear Hannity, Buchanan and Coulter using this very line by tomorrow.

That would be like me urging you to drink a Corona by saying, "Who cares if you don't like it, man! It's Miles Away From Ordinary!" Or if I wanted you to join the Army and I said, "You seem to me the type who could be Army Strong." (Last year I'd have told you, "Don't you want to be an Army of One?" At which point you'd look at me and say, "Uh, no. I'd prefer an army where I had comrades and friends and people watching my back.")

These are slogans. We use them because they work, not because they mean a damn thing. And we change them when they don't work. This one will work for McCain.

And in fairness to McCain, Obama's slogan means even less: "Change We Can Believe In." Huh? Whatever, Barry. But it's working.

I will have to do a piece soon on the logos of the two candidates, because they are even more meaningless, but probably have even more sway on the idiot populace.

Because You Demand It: Band Names From Google News

And I aim to please. You're the customer, and the customer is...what? That's right- always right, even when they're wrong.

This week's band name suggestions for your fledgling musical act/group come with links to the stories, proving that I don't write this stuff. It writes itself.

• Weapons at Home (link)
• Cooling Tower (link)
• The Rich Opponents (link)
• Mayo Love Swap (link)
• Mama's Liquor Cabinet (link)
• New Poll Blow (link)
• My Enormous Legacy (link)

Here's 123 more, if nothing here suits your tastes.Photo is actually of Atlanta-based The Coathangers

Once a Year, Whether I Need it or Not

I am in the habit of getting a haircut once every year, sometimes I'll wait two. So recently I have been, shall we say, a bit shaggy. On a whim (as it always happens) I took off at lunch not long ago and did the deed. Minus sideburns, I’d pass in most military outfits now. (OK, maybe only the European ones.) But I’m beginning to rethink my once-a-year haircut policy, as it always sends people into “don’t know what to say” mode. The following are actual workplace comments from people amused and/or confused by encountering the clean-cut version of me.

• Oh, no! What have you done?
• Who the hell are you?
• Whoa!
  
• You cut your hair.
• That’s different. Very aerodynamic.
• Did you get a haircut?
• You like your hair like that?
• Summer haircut! Summer haircut!

And it's comments like those that convince me to grow it out for another year.

Blogging In CubeWorld™

New OS installed overnight. Everything shiny and new. Firefox not a priority to the Web Blocking Police of IT. Blog window of opportunity may shut at any moment. If I lose contact, send MREs, cigarettes and whiskey. Jetpacks out.

Futbol Should Be Like This More Often

I'd watch your "International" sport if it had more moments like this.



(Also liking the yellow Coca-Cola logo behind the goal.)

Brazilian Bikini Wax For Sixty-Nine

Spirit Airlines, those innocent people who brought us the MILF promo a while back, are at it again in what they will claim has nothing to do with anything and everyone should just keep their dirty minds out of the gutter.

In this Flash animation on their homepage, a $469 fare (on a woman's stomach, no less) has the "4" waxed off to reveal a 69¢ fare.

Clever...I think...or not. I don't know. Just bizarre. And attention getting. See it here for as long as it lasts.

A Gruesome Butchering

The payoff is worth the 3 minute wait.

In-Store Ingenuity

My grocery store of choice, Publix, (hated by Greenpeace) has created a display in the foyer/entryway of my local store that says it all for the shopper looking to save a buck.

Two carts, filled with identical items. The cart on the left is filled with the store's brands while the cart on the right is filled with name-brand and identical national items. (The contents of each are wrapped in cellophane lest passers-by grab stuff from either cart and mess with the integrity of the comparison.) You can't make it out in this cell-phone photo, but the difference in price, written on the cards at top of the two carts, is about $45 in favor of Publix store brands.

As a student of in-store packaging and the lack of creativity in that packaging, Publix steps it up compared to say, Wal-Mart. Creative, witty copy. Nice photography. Good work, all in all. Publix's creative director, Tim Cox, has revolutionized the in-house creative department.

I don't care what Greenpeace says about Central Florida-based Publix. This chain is smart as hell.

Sleep Twilight Lyric

Ever get inspired in that moment between wakefulness and sleep? Me too. It's a mystical place. The first stanza of this came to me as I was drifting into a nap after a morning of glassy non-waves at the beach.


I could use a word from you
Something simple, just a clue
A whispered word or two

You know, I thought I made it clear
I can take direction

All those boats up on the shore
I guess I could build a few more
Not even sure what they’re for

But they’re more than they appear
It’s not just a collection

I’ve got a field of dried-up wells
Dug myself halfway to Hell
To the point where I can’t tell

I can’t see and I can’t hear
where to make the connection

Drift away to another land
Forget trying to understand
Nothing’s done and nothing’s planned

I can wait another year
For the next rejection

Did I make too much of nothing at all
Missed the cue and dropped the ball
Ran too fast when told to crawl

It’s your wheel, you can steer
I trust you’ll make the correction

There’s so much you won’t let me say
Saving it for another day
It’s a game I’ve learned to play

You won't let me doubt or fear
Won’t let me raise an objection

Will The Next 1.9 Million Visitors Each Please Give Me a Dollar?

I'd appreciate it. Thank you in advance for your contribution.

More of that house is here.

Can I Get That in a Faded Denim?

BMW's new concept addresses fuel-efficiency without messing with the fuel part at all.



I suppose it's safe since there's still a frame underneath, but it'll be a much lighter car without all that shiny, painted metal. And in the future, body shops will employ tailors.

Three Generations of Itchy and Frustrated Jelly Toast Eaters

Apparently Sarna is some kind of anti-itch lotion, and apparently someone has a dumb idea about how to sell it.

Grandpa there looks like his head is about to blow up, so mad is he that he can't get his gob around that concord grape jam.

Hip-Hop-Lite-Pop-Metalists, I Got Your New Name

You know the way this works by now. Perusing Google News Headlines, I come up with seven names for musical acts each week. This week, I will suggest what sort of act/genre should take each name. But since genres are so specialized and drilled-down these days, I will be very specific.

Finding Ice

Euro retro-techno

Conducting a Drill

alt-emo-house-prog-rock

The Star Alliance

supergay 80s hair-arena-metal revival

Shadow of a Smile

male/female dark singer-songwriter duo on the verge of a breakup

The Angry Clerics

christian-thrash-drug-metal

Vancouver Footwear

emo-pop-neo-grunge

Extra Solar Earth

Thai rap-hip-hop-ska

Do you have any more, Jetpacks? Uh...yes. About 118 more.

(Title of post stolen from a certain Canadian power-trio.)

Not Another Dead Ad Blog!

One of my favorite (in this case: favourite) ad bloggers, Fish & Chimps, has apparently called it quits. I'm hoping he goes the Copyranter route and rises from the grave.

Said the author behind UK-based Chimp Media Monitoring,

Advertising's not funny any more. Or I've had a cooliostomy and lost my sense of humour. My mojo has gone. Don't get upset. It's only a fucking blog. Out.

Not so fast, Chimp. You need this space. It needs you. Cooliostomy? C'mon! Who comes up with that kinda stuff?

Image stolen from Dead Monkey Theatre.

How They Do Customer Service in Mexico

A job at work required that one of our artists try as best as possible to duplicate the font on the Mexican 100 peso note. After much searching, we were coming up empty. So I emailed Banco de Mexico and asked them what font they used. In less than 24 hours, this courteous reply was received (in English).Dear Sir,

Thank you very much for your interest in Banco de Mexico's web site. Regarding your request, we may inform you that the font used on the 100 pesos banknote was designed by our team in 1987 for Mexican banknotes and has been used in our banknotes since then. It was designed, deliberately looking for no resemblance with the commercial fonts available at that time, when Word Processors and personal computers were not as common as today. We do not know if now there is a commercial font similar to it. The new series with new design, which is starting to circulate, has a new font.

Hoping the information to be useful, we remain at your service.

Sincerely yours,
Banco de México

Our artist had already found a font that would work by the time this reply came in, but think about that. From a random query on their "contact us" page, they gathered the information from their art department and have me a courteous, comprehensive answer in very short order. Smart business.

Greenpeace Hates My Favorite Grocery Store

...and that's alright by me. I will shop there now with more gusto.

Greenpeace has released a report ranking the seafood purchasing practices of major US grocery chains. My store of choice, Publix (a company I have praised here on a couple of occasions) comes in dead last for their cruelty to sea life and the sea in general... or something. None of the stores graded even got passing marks from Greenpeace. Everyone sucks. Everyone's a failure in the eyes of Greenpeace. Everyone wants to hurt the sea creatures in the name of profit. Well, at least they aren't saying, "Lobsters have feelings! Save the lobsters!"

Extreme environmentalists are like the fervent zealot door-to-door evangelists who, when met with resistance and slammed doors, regard their rejection as “persecution” and proof that they are on the right path. "God smiles on us, surely."

Greenpeace suggests the following when purchasing seafood: Next time you’re in the grocery store, ask the seafood counter or store manager about the type of seafood offered and how it was caught or farmed. If they don’t know, ask them to find out for you so you can make sustainable choices.

That would go about like this:

Me: So, Chad. How was this farm-raised salmon farmed?
Chad: I dunno.
Me: Then I’ll need to speak to the store manager.
Chad: You serious?
Me: Yes. Please get the manager.
Chad: OK.
(2 minute wait)
Tom (Store Manager) : How can I help you?
Me: Chad here doesn’t know how this farm-raised salmon was farmed. How can I make a sustainable choice without that information? Greenpeace tells me I should ask these questions and if you don’t have good answers, I’m taking my shopping someplace else.
Tom: It’s farm-raised. I think that means it’s like, you know, raised on a salmon farm.
Me: I see. Wow, nice crab legs. Those things are HUUUGE! Have you ever seen that show “Crab Fishermen In Icy Water?”
Chad: You mean “World's Deadliest Catch”?
Me: Yeah. That’s awesome.
Tom: We have a special on crab legs right now.
Me: How were they caught?
Tom: Probably like they are on that show.
Me: Cool. I’ll take 3 pounds.

A Smart Pop-Under? It's Possible

Got this served to me at work today. They know by my IP that I'm in Orlando, so I often get Orlando-area attractions banners, pop-ups and pop-unders.

But Universal does the classic price comparison and lays it out plain and simple: Wouldn't you rather spend a week at Universal for less than the price of a single, miserable day with the Mouse?

Bargains still work.


(And Hell No, I'm not going to any attractions around here. Still.)

Grilling Law #44

"If after you light the coals you hear distant thunder, the chance of rain during your grilling session is 90%."

Need a Day or Two at the Beach?

Mike's Hard Lemonade is on your side, slackers looking to ditch work.

Nick Moy of Rasianen Creative sent me this "victim video" for Mike's Hard Lemonade, featuring Nick. You can, of course, make your own. Simply forward to your friends at work, who will tell your boss, "Wow! Poor [insert your name here] Look what we found! Guess s/he won't be coming in for a couple of days."

The next improvement in this sort of technology needs to be having the newscaster actually speak your name.

Fourteen Palms

Stop smoking ads are tough to do, because selling the notion of quitting smoking to smokers is a really tough sell. You'd almost have to be a smoker to create an effective anti-smoking ad. How do I know? I'm an evil smoker. And the evil tobacco companies have made me their compliant slave. What? Five packs for the price of three? I'm there! Thank you, evil tobacco company!

And like all smokers, "I'll quit someday!" But all the stop smoking campaigns and the cutting-edge "Truth" PSAs from CP+B don't affect me. They only piss me off with their sanctimonious preaching. You want to tell me all about rat poison and second-hand smoke? Screw you, stupid punk ad agency bitches! I blow smoke in your smug faces!

We know we are socially unacceptable (unless you're drinking with us and you want to bum a smoke) and our habit is nasty and smelly. We want to quit. Really, we do. But we love it. So do you...when you're drinking with us.

TobaccoFreeFlorida.com has been doing some effective stuff lately. I say "effective" only because as a smoker, it makes me seriously think about my habit and ponder ways to quit. And I know the only way to quit is just to lay them down and not pick them up again. You can give me guides and suggestions and websites and support groups, but it's up to me, and these ads are driving that point home. I liked this one, particularly.

Click for bigness

Fourteen Palms

From my forthcoming album, The Summer Land

I walked down to the store Sunday afternoon
Something telling me to quit smoking soon
I ignored that voice and picked up the pace
In the grip of the demon who won’t be replaced

A free pack of smokes from Parliament
Not my brand, but money well spent
Two for one special on the menthol kings
You know how it is, addicted to those things

The second pack was not for resale
Twenty free sticks for me to inhale
packaged so pretty in a cardboard sleeve
with a picture of the beach that made me believe

Been smoking these things for 14 years
They calm your nerves, they soothe your fears
This country was founded on tobacco trade
I’m doing my part. They’re American made

You smoke a lot when you have some spares
The first pack went fast, I had no cares
The free pack beckoned and I unwrapped the top
When they give ‘em away free, why stop?

But these were different, a twist on design
A palm tree on the filter…maybe a sign
Matching the theme of the beach on the box
I checked the calendar, I checked the clocks

Now there’s fourteen palms in my ashtray
I’m out of money and I’m going away
Down to the beach, to the palm trees
and when I want a smoke, I’ll inhale the breeze

Been smoking these things for 14 years
They calm your nerves, they soothe your fears
This country was founded on tobacco trade
I’m doing my part. They’re American made

A Marketing Study in Contrasts

McCain can fill a town hall, Obama can fill a town.

In searching for images for this post, I searched "McCain rally" in vain. There really is no such thing as a McCain rally. There are only McCain "events," and they usually look like somber gatherings at the local funeral parlor. Unfortunately for McCain, he often looks like the very made-up and freshly-embalmed guest of honor.

Has the rise of Obama been all about marketing, image and messaging? Has it been all about nice logos and trendy street art? Has it been about unsolicited virals and savvy Internet strategies? Catchy slogans and lofty rhetoric? Yes, yes, yes and yes.

But the contrasts that separate Obama and McCain are not all about Obama's positives; they are about McCain's negatives as well. You can only tout your POW status for so long before it begins to sound like sad pandering. When your most prominent banner ad is a Flash movie of you limping off a plane and saluting 40 years ago, you've staked your political future on a strategy most officers of the Armed Services find undignified at best and disingenuous at worst. Not that anyone does not grant McCain his due honor for serving and enduring untold suffering, but to capitalize on that service and endurance is to tarnish that honor.

When you were once the "Maverick," until a real maverick stole that thunder, you appear ridiculous to now claim to be the candidate of "Change." When you were once the "straight-talker," until an even straighter talker robbed you of that mantle, you appear shrill to be demanding instantaneous "town hall" styled meetings, the format your advisers suggest will make you look better.

Much has been made of "the Obama brand" or "the Republican brand" this season. Sadly for his team, McCain has no brand other than "I'm not that young kid who has all these people energized and excited about the political process. I'm not the naive lad with a questionable past who may or may not hate America but has nonetheless just beaten the most formidable force in American politics in the form of a former popular President and his inevitable wife. I'm a war hero and I am a warrior and I WILL NEVER SURRENDER."

And that sort of marketing energizes tiny rooms of long-time supporters. It doesn't create new customers or even get those still wondering what to buy out to the store to look at the product. There is no energy and no excitement. There is just an ever-shifting, tentative and increasingly jealous message.

Only thing left to do is smear the other product.

Betwixt Mine Eye (Groin) and Heart (Political Views)

In Twix's continuing series, "Need a Moment?" this new addition is timely and clever. Dude plays along with idealist chick's frustration with politics. Blogging ensues.



Title of Post Stolen from Bill Shakespeare.

Giant Man Plays God in Photoshop Nightmare

Northwestern Mutual, what are you doing here? The man's worries are golfing, fishing, photography and relaxing in an innertube on a lake?

OK, so weird and incomprehensible is your ad that I will actually read the copy in an attempt to understand it. Nope. That didn't work. Guess I will have to go to your website, letyourworriesgo.com and figure this out.

Oh, now I get it.

No, I don't.

I'm in a beautiful landscape where I can choose a rocket, a balloon or a submarine to launch my worries away. (I cannot, however, choose to turn off the incessant and annoying birdsong loop.) My "worries" are again represented by people whom I drag into my vehicle of choice. (Fun: drag them high in the sky and let them go and watch as they fall to earth.) OK, vehicle finally loaded (damn, that was tedious) and off they go! All those people jettisoned into space, never to be heard from again!

Finally, the "explanation" for all this silliness. Northwestern Mutual is interested in eliminating "societal worries" like hunger, natural disasters, financial security and retirement planning. They have $1 million to give away.
Wow. That was such a long and disjointed journey. But now you know that Northwestern Mutual cares about you and wants to alleviate your worries. Seriously, that's why they are in the business of wealth management. Because they care.

The Best Burgers in Florida

...are made in my backyard.

The dripping sauce on the bottom bun is Thai sweet chili sauce. That's a turkey burger on a small water roll with a Nebraskan grown tomato. (Free from salmonella, I'm told.) Make them small, ala Krystal or White Castle, and your guests tend to think they're eating better if they have a second.

Serve with sweet potato fries and Mexican beer.

Fair and Balanced

...is what this guy was. Tough questions always, but never showing a partisan side. He was what Fox News claims to be. It makes you hope that out of respect for his professionalism, some of the bickering, sniping and back-biting so prevalent these days in politicking and political reporting will quiet down somewhat.

He embodied like no other what the Fourth Estate is supposed to represent: he tried to keep the lying politicians honest.

I don't take much note when well-known people pass away. I didn't know them. They're gone and that's sad for their families and friends. But with Russert, I feel like a beloved uncle has died.

It's Now a Habit - Band Names from Google News

Nothing big is going to happen for your musical act unless you change your name to something better. (Note: this does not apply to DJs, who merely need to rearrange the letters of their first or last names preceded or followed by two initials.) Here are some new names you can try out this weekend at your seedy Open Mic hangout, courtesy of Google News headlines.

• Fight the Smears
• Deafening Howl
• The Soda Bottlers
• Settling Dust
• An Object Floating
• Blackberry Turf
• Supreme Disgrace

Here are 111 more

Thanks, Paul, But I"ll Have the Steak. Rare.

What "Sir" McCartney left off his touching testimony there next to his head is, "We were totally tripping and I could hear the fish talking to me and I realized in that moment that he and I were one. So I let him go and he swam away and called out, 'Thanks, Mate! You should write a song about this.'"

Click for readability

It's OK to Stereotype Italians

Had dinner tonight at a local Italian joint called...Alberto's. Yes, we heard no less than seven freakin' Frank Sinatra songs. (I hate that guy. OH, Yes, I said it.) We dined outdoors, though, to avoid the Pacino and Sopranos framed photos inside.

This image is from the menu cover. Pure class. It deserved to be messed with.


It's perfectly acceptable in advertising to stereotype Italians. Next time you hear an ad for a local pizza place or Italian restaurant, chances are pretty good you will hear a guy talking all "Mama mia!"or an older lady encouraging her grown children to just, "Eat! EAT!"

But I will give Alberto's these things: Their food is more than passable and their house wine is fortified.

Uh...Wal-Mart, What's Up?

From Wal-Mart's website we have...a fist. Advertising Vaseline for men. We also have an old man and a young boy in the banner above. Cute.

Hat-tip to equally amused coworkers emailing this around the office today.

Workplace Distractions

A laptop serves as my main computer at work (with an attached monitor, keyboard and mouse, as I hate laptop keyboards and touch pads.) The laptop's video card is incapable of accommodating an added monitor as an extension, it merely mirrors the same display. That is distracting. You might say, "Close it partially to the point just before it powers off." Tried that. Distracting. So I covered the display with my copy-holder-clip-thing. Boring. So I took a picture of the thing and made a picture in a picture in a picture in some sort of Dali-Escher absinthe-fueled infinity-nightmare and stuck it in the copy holder. Distracting.

A Decadent Dump

Dump Dinner

Directions:

1. Boil lobster, crab legs, shrimp, clams, red potatoes and corn on the cob
2. Cover table in newspaper
3. Prepare cocktail sauce and melted butter
4. Dump boiled contents on table
5. Serve with cheap Australian merlot

CLEAN-UP: Remove non-disposable items from table. Roll up newspaper with shells and spent cobs and deposit in trash. Keep trash out of reach of bears.

Buy Low, Sell More Than Three Times Higher

I love a breeze. I bought this little all-metal, single-speed fan at Wal-Mart yesterday on my lunch hour for under $6. It’s quiet and kicks out the perfect breeze aimed right at my face as I toil away the hours in CubeWorld^TM. I customized a magnet for it that reads Fake Wind. (Alternate titles: Artificial Breeze, Faux Blow. And can you believe fakewind.com is available?)

But why go all the way to to Wal-Mart (distance from work: about half a mile) when I can buy it online from this fine merchant based in Eatonton, Georgia for only $18.99? (And I’m guessing that fine merchant bought the fan they are selling at Wal-Mart in Eatonton.)

God Bless America. Land of the Free Market, Home of the Brave Con-Artists.

This Should Be Fun

As Obama accuses McCain of running for Bush's 3rd term and McCain accuses Obama of running for Carter's 2nd term, the Republicans are getting all User Generated Content on us and sponsoring a contest where you can create a video of someone in your neighborhood who serves "a cause greater" than themselves. Hopefully, your video will be of a registered Republican.

And if you win...you're going to St. Paul, Minnesota for the Republican National Convention! This will be a pretend celebration, a funeral disguised as a wedding, where everyone ignores the giant elephant (OH!) in the room known as the King of Anti-Charisma, John McCain. They will also request that the networks avoid the guy in the VIP box known as the current President of the United States.

Not that charisma wins elections (it does) or that Bush will be a drag on McCain (he will) but it surely won't be fun to see the entries to this contest.

As I predicted and is already occurring, McCain's only hope is Smear in the First Degree. McCain will continue to pretend to distance himself from this tactic while allowing the damage to be inflicted by others. But what can you do? Politics is War. War is Hell. And sometimes people get shot down. Then when they return home they dump their wives who got in car wrecks and start courting rich heiresses who look like Cruella DeVille.

Red and Blue Polyester Coordinate States

I don't know what it means. I just stuck their heads on an old Sears catalog ad. Something about the tough expressions contrasting with the "please kick my ass" clothing that makes me laugh.

In Memory of the Victims of 9/11, Order a Pizza

There are probably more "New York Pizzerias" here in Florida than there are in New York. And it's a safe bet that when you step into one you will be greeted by black and white framed photos of Deniro, Pacino, Stallone, Sinatra and The Sopranos, among others. You can also bet that during your lunch or dinner, you will be treated to Frank Sinatra on the way-too-loud music overhead. There will be "I (heart) NY" shirts on the wall, posters of the Brooklyn Bridge, and perhaps a NY State license plate as well. It will be called a "ristorante" and be named "Manhattan," "Brooklyn," "Antonio's," or "Anthony's."


Not far from me is this place, offering us an ad this week in which we see the NYC skyline at top, complete with the Twin Towers. "In Memory of," they gently remind us. Then, just for one more bottom-of-the-barrel shameless cliché, they give us Lady Liberty serving a greasy pie.

Class, baby.

Band Names From Google News

I'm late on this, I know. Here are the weekly seven band or musical act names you can use for your sure-to-be-a-huge-success endeavor, pulled from the headlines of Google News.

• Martyrs in The Making
• Feinstein's Parlor
• Quake Lake
• Survive The Dive
• The Crane Inspectors
• The Discount Rivals
• Clint Spike

Here are 104 more.


On an image search for "punk band," the above trio, Exeter, UK-based Dead Frequency, came up. They have lots of MySpace friends. Good luck, guys.

You Have Left Your Mind

Familiar with the Left Behind series? It's a collection of pseudo-scripture written by a pair of charlatans loosely based on the last book of the Christian bible (and a word or two from Paul's letters). Those two goblins are astoundingly rich now that their books have been devoured by so many people too busy to read their bibles or talk with their God.

The premise of these books is this: All the Jesus people are taken away in The Rapture and the rest of the earthlings are left behind on the planet to suffer horrible things. Do you want to escape the horrible things? Then get yourself right with God and do it quickly. Because scaring people into loving God and doing Right (wing) is very effective. It is also a huge money-maker.

Problem with The Rapture theory is that it is pure and utter fiction created in the mid-1800s by an Irishman named John Darby. It was very easy to sell to Americans, because even then Americans were much as they are today; easy to swindle, afraid of hard times, mostly unacquainted with large-scale suffering and looking for the easy way out.

If you are a Christian and you're disagreeing with me on this, let me ask you this: Did Jesus say he was returning? OK, then how many times will he return? First time in secret, second time in the clouds for all to see? Also, I know you like to justify and support your escapism theology with passages like, "God has not appointed us unto wrath." (I love it when you speak in the King James. It makes you sound so Holy.) So maybe you can quote that phrase to the persecuted churches in Afghanistan, Egypt, Libya, Somalia, Algeria, Eritrea, Malaysia, Sri Lanka, Azerbaijan, Ethiopia, Maldives, Sudan, Bangladesh, Gaza and the West Bank, Philippines, Syria, Belarus, India, Mauritania, Tajikistan, Bhutan, Indonesia, Morocco, Tibet, Brunei, Iran, Nepal, Tunisia, Myanmar, Iraq, Nigeria, Turkey, Jordan, North Korea, Turkmenistan, China, Kuwait, Oman, United Arab Emirates, Colombia, Kyrgyzstan, Pakistan, Uzbekistan, Comoros, Laos, Qatar, Vietnam, Cuba, Lebanon, Saudi Arabia and Yemen. You've got it pretty good here and know nothing of "wrath."

Why am I wasting my energy? Go to Wal-Mart and get the latest book in your series. Maybe you can pay for Tim LaHaye's next facelift.

ANYWAY, (I get worked up on this subject) some total tools have set up a website that will send out email alerts to those who get Left Behind! How cool! So after the world's Christians suddenly vanish, everyone can get emails saying, "You've been Left Behind! We are in Heaven and you are going to suffer some horrible shit! There's still hope! Forward this email to ten friends and throw some salt over your shoulder while spinning around in a circle thrice. Then, don't eat for 10 days and abstain from sex and maybe God will let you come join us after you get raped, tortured and killed by the Antichrist and his Army of Satan Worshipers. Bye! Love ya! Peace! :)" Spam from Heaven. And this service will only cost you $40 a year. I don't know who's behind this website, but they need to...not gonna say it.

I wish I had hacking skills.

Just Say Nope to Hope

As Bill Green points out, "The first salvo in the War on Hope" has been fired. In this issue of Senile Boss with His Studious Team of Credenza Posers, the gang brainstorm a McCain strategy.

Click for Maximum Uninformed Partisan Bullshit

DISCLAIMER: I re-registered as a Democrat (switching from Independent) when it was thought that we might get to re-vote here in Florida. I did it for the sole purpose of hoping to vote against Hillary Clinton. She is not a real person. Peggy Noonan put it very well this morning.

You're Slowing Me Down, Kid

Little Stevie here was going to get Dad a tie for Father's Day, but Trek talked him into a bike. The Madone line from Trek starts at around $2,000 and can set you back as much as $5,500.

Image from an email campaign Trek is currently running.

My own Dad forwarded this to me, as he is on their mailing list. Not happening, Dad.

Adidas Spec Ad

I bought them because they were on the clearance rack and they were affordable. They're running shoes, but I use them for cycling. They work. I like 'em.

We aren't all super-athletes. Some of us just need some freakin' shoes. Based on a true story, as I'm a fan of true testimonials. Photographed in my front yard this evening as the salmon was waiting to be turned on the grill in the backyard.

Click for viewage

And I don't claim to be an AD or a designer, so don't jump my shit about the layout. It's a concept. (UPDATE: For the sake of the challenge, I went ahead and tried to lay it out better. Go ahead, designers, tell me where I screwed up.)

Long-Legged Lady in Glittery Gold Get-up Corrals Cow Couch

A Florida furniture store I have never been to nor shopped at is featuring this ad in print and outdoor this month. And on their website is this interesting image, not that they're trying to point you toward the woman's crotch or anything. Just a nice table.

Previously:
Furniture Ad Stimulates Lingerie Sales

Weatherman, You Are Hereby Useless

And you Weatherwomen as well. Or Meteorologists or weather readers or whatever you people are.

They brand their various radar systems with goofy names like Double Super Doppler Plus (Now with Life Saving Abilities!) and play with their little interactive maps, giving me way more info than I want or need. They compete with each other in blaring promos, arguing over who was the first to Track That Storm and Keep You Alive. And now they're giving us online tools like this one, where I can zoom down to my street and see when a storm might be coming. If I'm really concerned. I prefer to just let the weather come and deal with whatever shows up.

Office Politics

No, not that kind.

In this episode of Vintage Stock Photo of Old Man Boss and Junior Executives in Training, the boss brings up politics. Probably best avoided in the workplace this year.

Click it for Maximum Offensiveness!

Nothing Says "Taste" Like Dead Guy Chocolate

We're all familiar with creepy Orville Redenbacher being resurrected to shill again for his popcorn, and Kurt Cobain selling Doc Martens from heaven. Here's another cheap stoop at a dead legend on the part of Hershey's.


Saw this item in the checkout lane tonight at the grocery store and had to snap it up, seeing as it is a "collector edition" chocolate bar. (DOH! I cheapened my investment by opening the package. Crap! Guess I'd better go buy another and keep it in the freezer so I can sell it on eBay in 19 years, when it'll be worth $1.45.)

Look at that classy embossed chocolate likeness of Dale Earnhardt, NASCAR legend. That is freakin' awesome. I'll bet he tastes so good. This is only the second in the series of three collector's chocolate bars from Hershey's. Keeping my eyes open for numbers one and three.

Previously in shameless dead marketing

Previously in NASCAR