Want a High-Stress Job with a Cocky Bay Area Start-Up?

Some excerpts:

• Let's face it. You probably aren't up to this job. Don't feel bad. Most people aren't.
• This is a critical job function and something that we can't hand over to just anybody who fancies themselves a product manager.
• In order to have any possibility of success here, you'll need to have a strong mix of technology, product management, and marketing.
• You'll need to have those two elusive properties that most people don't: passion for building great products and the taste to know what that means in the first place.
• If you have an MBA from a top-10 business school and think that working at Cisco or Juniper is impressive, you're probably not right for this.
• The average product manager from a multi-billion dollar behemoth would wilt under the pressure of our environment in less than two weeks.
• We're a small company with not a lot of support staff.

Still interested? See here.

There Oughtta Be a Law

A billboard caught my eye on the way home for all the wrong reasons. The title was "Who Can I Sue?"

It's apparently a directory for lawyers "launching" today. So far, all they have is a "press coverage" section, which even includes the very negative press this idea has been getting. It'll cost lawyers $1,000 a year to be listed, which might explain why they have no listings yet.

No One Would Do This For a Cat

In the whole dog people vs. cat people debate, I come down on the side of dog people. I've owned a cat (or more accurately, the cat owned me) and I'm pretty sure if I saw it in the mouth of a shark, I would wish the shark happy eating and thank him for taking the evil cat off my hands. This story from the Keys today is pretty funny. This dude loves his dog.

ISLAMORADA, Fla. -- A dog is recovering after a Florida Keys carpenter dove in to save his pet from a shark.

Greg LeNoir said he took his 14-pound rat terrier Jake for a daily swim at a marina Friday.

The five-foot shark suddenly surfaced and grabbed nearly the entire dog in its mouth.

LeNoir said he yelled, then balled up his fists and dove headfirst into the water. He hit the shark in the back and the creature finally let go of the dog.

Man and dog made it safely back to shore. The dog suffered bite wounds but was not critically injured.

Via

From Decaying Corpse to Radiant Beauty in One Application

I know I've blogged about these banner ads before, but this one was so striking I had to post it. That is some seriously magical lotion.*

* Simulated imagery. Results not typical. In fact, results are seriously not typical at all. They are nothing like this. This woman went from Lizard Lady to Disney Princess in no time, and that ain't happening for you. Ever. She lost 70 years off her appearance, like backwards from the dead lady Jack Nicholson was making out with in The Shining.

Ken Fox - Strategist (No. 4)

The job of "strategist" is hard to define, but most strategists could be replaced by interns.


See more "Ken Fox, Strategist"

Florida Congressman Says, "I'm a Fuck-Up. I'm Sorry."

In a heated battle to keep his seat against Suzanne Kosmas of New Smyrna Beach, Tom Feeney comes clean in a Dr. Phil inspired confessional spill-fest that he hopes will save his ass. I hope not. I've had enough of this blue-eyed lawyer punk. Apologizing because you got busted is a sorry-ass way to come clean. I'm not buying the faux-sincerity, Tommy Boy, even with the Country Kitchen Fruit-Bowl set your spin-masters designed. And ratchet down the sad, whipped-boy routine a notch. You sound like you're trying to get out of trouble with your 4th-grade teacher.

Time to find a real job, Mr. Pretend Public Servant.

Seven Other Places

Links can be your ticket to riches!
(Sometimes referred to as "Affiliate Marketing.")

Here are seven other places you could be right now on this great big webbed thing we call the Intertube.

1. Pork Earmarks. Speckles is out of touch and Unfit to Lead.
2. Baltimore's own M.M. McDermott explains why Gates/Seinfeld were successful for Microsoft.
3. Rick Sanchez is twitting, tweeting and facebooking the hell out of the Wall Street thing.
4. Drew sometimes strikes out. Drawing two comics a day will do that to anyone. He hits a homer with "Interview over Lunch."
5. Leave Alec Alone! "Like a bareback unicorn orgy on a cloud made of rainbow colored cookie dough."
6. "He's on the agency side, she's on the client side." (Sounds like the lead-in to a sitcom.) A new ad blog called "Married to the Enemy."
7. Uncle Sam comin' to get ya! (From my other blog, a place to indulge my other personalities, because admitting you're insane is the first step toward recovery.)

Who's Naming Cars Over at VW?

This is pretty funny stuff, featuring the perfect comic timing of Andre Agassi's ex-wife and Tom Cruise nemesis Brooke Shields, though it's quite a long way to go to tell the story of a minivan.

And "Routan"? That is almost as bad as "Touareg," which I've never known how to pronounce. Seems the volks at VW would be adept at naming celebrity babies.

McCain-Hillary '08

Following her Miss South Carolina performance with Katie Couric, it's hard to find a single pundit outside of Limbaugh or Hannity who still thinks Sarah Palin was a good choice for McCain, with some people suggesting she drop off the ticket to "spend more time with her family."

Here's what it looks like over at Johnny Mac HQ.

Click for big! Print it! Collect them all and trade with your friends!

Nice Timing, WaMu

For the record, I was a fan of Washington Mutual's current now-dead campaign, "WooHoo!" particularly the radio stuff.

Received tonight in the mail, an invitation to secure a credit line with a bank that is now defunct.

Patriotic Gumballs

And it works for any country that uses red, white and blue in their nation's flag. Yes, you Britain, Puerto Rico, Cuba and France! (Not necessarily in that order. Void where prohibited by law.)

One of the designers at work keeps a giant jar of gumballs on her desk, so I took a few and put them on the window sill and took pictures of them. They are now on display in a gallery in Miami. .

Jammakane Says "Psyche! I'll Debate Ya!"

Much has been written, spoken and shouted with insane partisan vitriol about the thinness of Obama's resume, and to reply with "He was a community organizer!" is a pretty weak retort. Obama's resume is extremely thin, but one thing Obama isn't is a knee-jerk, stunt-prone, crap-shootin' drama queen, like The War Hero Straight Talking Maverick Man of Action, John Sydney McCain III.

We've just been through eight years of a cock-sure bastard of a spoiled frat-boy President, and fully one half of this country is ready to replace him with another. Obama displays grace under pressure, whereas McCain acts on impulse, often looking petulant and borderline insane. Call it politics, but picking Sarah Palin showed a giant lapse in judgment, as did his recent "I've got to go to Washington and put my country first" bullshit ploy.

Turns out Ole Man will be at Ole Miss tonight for the big debate, now that he got his photo-op where he was pretending to be involved in the Wall Street bailout while pretending to suspend his campaign. I probably agree more with McCain on the issues than I do with Obama, but the man's severe lack of integrity, while loudly proclaiming what a man of integrity he is, makes me unable to take him seriously. With apologies to anyone who likes him, I think this guy is an absolute piece of shit, and I'm pretty sure I still have the right to think that in America.

I propose a new drinking game for tonight's debate:

• Every time McCain says "My friends," do a shot.
• Every time he says, "Here's some straight talk," do two shots.
• Every time he refers to Vietnam or brings up being a POW, do three shots.

You will be wasted in five minutes.

Speaking of Ole Miss, how do they get away, in this day and age, of calling their team "The Rebels"? That old Southern Pride dies hard. Not that I am in favor of revisionist history, but Rebels? Really? Why not the Slave Holders? Or Racists? How about Lynch Mob?

And lest anyone doubt that this election is tinged with overt racism, there is an underground element at work that will never in a million years consider voting for a black man. I received a mass email last night, forwarded who-knows-how-many times to countless individuals. The text of the email said, "This is tooooo funny!!!!!" Below that was a Photoshopped image of Obama shining Palin's shoes. The original photograph can be seen here, and the photographer from Australia is not amused.

You Can't Blame the Economy for This One

Bill Heard Chevrolet, the country's largest Chevy dealer, is done. The dealership issued the following statement as the reasons behind their demise: "...rising fuel prices, a product portfolio of mostly heavy trucks and sport utility vehicles, economic recession, unfavorable local market conditions for vehicle sales, the crisis in the banking and financing sectors."

Bullshit.

Before you read into this, "Oh, no! We're heading for a depression!" consider these facts, from The Orlando Sentinel's Steven Cole Smith.

• Bill Heard was the subject of 72 consumer complaints in the past 36 months, including 28 in the past year, according to records of the Better Business Bureau of Central Florida.
• A staff member at the Nashville, Tenn., Better Business Bureau was assigned full time to handle complaints against the local Heard dealership.
• GMAC Financial Services, General Motors' financial arm, refused to continue financing the inventory for some of Heard's stores.
• Heard has paid more than $280,000 in penalties and expenses in Georgia related to its trade practices and $183,000 in Tennessee.
• Florida regulators last year slapped a $400,000 fine on the Heard dealership in Sanford, and another in Plant City, for deceptive trade practices.

Said Automotive News Executive Editor Edward Lapham, "Heard has been a burr under GM's saddle for a long time."

Customer Service. It's so simple.

Here's the principle, sometimes referred to as the Golden Rule: "Treat others the way you want to be treated."

One less shady car dealer in this country won't be missed. What I will miss is one of Bill Heard's sales tools, a ridiculously enormous American flag flying along Interstate 4, seen here on Google's Street View and MSN's Bird's Eye View. This flag was so big it waved in slow motion.


And why is the Google Street View guy wearing a party hat and carrying balloons?

Allow Me To Apologize

On behalf of the city of Orlando and the Great State of Florida, I apologize to the rest of the country, even the world, that you have been subjected to the sordid and tragic goings-on of the Anthony family and all that Nancy Grace has wrought.

Were it not for this despicable wreck of a human who craves ghoulish gossip and who has single-handedly incited the shoeless and toothless pitchfork vigilantes to demand the head of party-girl turned child-neglecter (killer, maybe) Casey Anthony, you might still think of Orlando as a magical place where people come to live in fantasy world for a week. Instead, you get to see the hideous truth; we are just Arkansas with beaches and sunshine.


A note to Arkansans: I mean you no special derision. You're just top-of-mind when it comes to hillbillies. I could've cited West Virginia, Kentucky, Missouri, Alabama, Mississippi or 44 other states just as well-known for backwoods idiocy.

The Fundmentals of Our Economy are Strong

So quit your whining, ya big babies. It's all in your heads. Fear and Greed brought us this far, and they won't let us down this time. But now is no time for fear. Get greedy.

It's also called "consumer confidence."

I'll Be Your Jackass of New Media

Rick at Blog World & New Media Expo says I’m a “jackass” because I shat all over his just-finished blog conference back in July on this site. For those who don't know, Blog World Expo is "the world's largest blogging trade show and conference dedicated to promoting the dynamic industry of blogging and new media." Rick also tells me, “Glad you didn't come. If you change your mind and decide to come next year, please think again and don't.” I assured him I will not be there.

I’m on the record, Rick, as thinking this whole blogging consultancy industry is a sack of crap. My opinion hasn’t changed.

click for big

I'm not saying blogging has no place in business. That would be stupid. But social media should be common sense and we needn't have silly new titles like Social Media Guru and New Media Maverick. We don't really need a conference to tell us how to blog. What's more, huge investments are being sunk into something that can show very little in return. All the tools you need are free.

Here are a bunch more opinions of mine on the subject. So maybe I am writing the book. Or hosting the conference. And maybe I'm just a shitty capitalist.

The Corporate Blog Challenge
Enrage The Consumer
Save The Money and Get a Kid to Do It
Cold Call Carl: Selling Twitter Consultation
The Podcast is Dead
Cold Call Carl: He Keeps on Dialing
Buy the Book - Attend the Seminar
There's a Comment Pending Approval
Your Company Blog Bites
Drinking the Kool-Aid - Not Catching a Buzz
Be Sure Your Sins Will Find You Out
Your Title Was Boring and I'm Busy
If You Can't Trust a Paid Blogger
Relevance - It's a Beautiful Thing

Push Poll Paul

I've modified "Cold Call Carl" as we come into the final stretch of this marathon of an election season. The din of the spin is deafening and dumbing.

If I were a teacher and America sat in my classroom, I would mark on her paper, "F. See me."

click for bigness

Crossposted to Radio Free Babylon.

Dad Was Into Hairbands

Or Glam Rock. And Mom was a Cyndi Lauper fan. Funny spot from Verizon and Rhapsody.



Reminds me of a comic I need to get back to; Hans of Heidelberg, Hairband Has Been.

clicking it maxes it

The Autumn People

Sitting out back tonight, waiting for some pork chops on the grill, I was tempted to run inside and grab the camera, as even here in Florida, the arrival of Fall can be felt. There was a golden moment that lasted for only half a minute, where light and depth seem almost stereoscopic, as if you're looking at a multi-layered PSD and the saturation has been cranked up. Had I run inside to grab the camera, I would've missed it, so I just enjoyed it for the brief time it lasted. Autumn is magical to me.Jason Ertel of New Jersey, who I found through James Helms of Dallas, does the Autumn thing quite nicely. He uses a Nikon D50 and then does something in Photoshop to give his images a surreal quality that reminds me of Ray Bradbury stories. It's easy to get lost on his site. And just like when I watch a great guitar player doing his thing and feel unworthy to ever touch a guitar again, Jason makes me feel like I do not deserve to own a D50 myself.

Another fine photographer who I found linking to this site is David Torrence of St. Louis. He's available for advertising and editorial work, I'm pretty sure.

Yeah, there's something in the air
It's like Autumn all the time
Where the world's 3D and layered deep
Clouds marching for the shoreline like they're walking in their sleep

- Telegraph Canyon

It's a Quarter to Noon, You're Drunk in Your Room

Monkeys swinging from the chandelier in the hotel's crest suggest playfulness, I guess. But announcing that your new hotel represents "a new paradigm in luxury hotels" is a bit of a stretch, not to mention a worn cliché. I suppose if there are actually giant hand mirrors in the rooms and the keys are a foot in length and the ocean is just behind the curtain, that would be a new paradigm in luxury hotels, and playful. But a visit to the hotel's website shows your basic luxury rooms, and only as artist's renderings.

I do like the surreal Dalí meets Alice in Wonderland style, which is carried through on the website. (The model sprawled on the floor is getting a little overplayed these days.) But the creators of this ad didn't go with the standard luxury hotel ad style. They avoided the tired and overused white-gloved doorman opening the limo door, or the beautiful couple sharing a pre-sex drink in the darkened, trendy cocktail lounge. And there's always the cougar and her boy toy lounging by the pool approach. This ad just keeps it all vague and mysterious and the viewer is left intrigued.

The book in the lower left reads "Soft Like Silk, Sexy Lace Stockings, Sleepy Little Sigh." Continuing with the SLS theme, the website's tagline is "Something Lovely's Starting." It's pretty typical stuff; a celebrity chef, renowned designers, places to eat and drink. But the playful copy along with the vague and surreal photography represent a fairly fresh approach when there are no "paradigms" left in luxury hotel advertising.

Joe Zark

Alaskans are getting understandably pissed that their state is being mocked nationwide as some sort of meth-lab trailer-trash white racist book-burning haven of religious extremists who squirt out babies every 9 months while hunting wolves from airplanes as they eat moose burgers.

I've been to Alaska twice and I can attest that it is a very nice place, more so in the summer, and that these broad generalizations and urban-snobbish opinions can easily be applied to any state in the Union. I'm sure upstate New York has its share of hill-folk. I once met a man in Leesburg, Virginia, 40 miles from Washington, DC, who talked about how "we" beat back the Yankees at a certain point on the Potomac. I know you don't have to venture too far here in Florida to find less than urbane and civilized characters. And having lived for a few years in the town of Ozark, Missouri, I can solemnly state that few regions of the United States could rival the Ozarks for backwoods closed-mindedness. (And meth labs.) Oh, they love Jesus, doncha know, but they love the white, Matthew McConaughey Jesus who votes Republican.

Joe Zark is my expression of my love/hate of the beautiful/ugly state of Missouri, which is really no different than any other state.


Advertisers: You may rent space on Joe Zark's hat or overalls.

Here's another Joe Zark.

Band Names from Google News - with Footnotes

If I've told you once, I've told you at least 21 times. In a world of never ending replication, where one angst-filled band sounds exactly like the next one, you need more than tight jeans with white belts to set yourselves apart. You need more than clever rhymes and poseur street-smarts. You need more than a MySpace account and black t-shirts. More than even a gimmicky haircut and carefully applied eye makeup. You need a name. You need a brand. Allow me to help. These possible band names come from this morning's headlines on Google News. The links at bottom will take you to the stories from which the names come.

• Dark Turn¹
• Statement from a Dog²
• Bad Lonely Schoolboys³
• Scandalous Dairy⁴
• Amid Uncertainty⁵
• Fair Flynn⁶
• The Animals Engineered⁷

1. Condoleezza Rice says Russia has taken a dark turn.
2. The Georgia Bulldogs need to make a statement.
3. Schoolboy Islamist jailed for two years.
4. China dairy ordered milk off shelves.
5. Malaysia's #2 leader delays trip amid uncertainty.
6. Former Boston Mayor Raymond Flynn in fair condition.
7. FDA releases guidelines for genetically engineered animals.

Here are 165 more.

barry.obama1961@gmail.com

If you've had at least half an ear to the news lately, you've likely heard that some evil Democrat Children pulled a page from the stinking Republican playbook and VIOLATED THE SANCTITY of Her Holiness Sister Sarah's Yahoo! account and published some very uninteresting crap. So The Onion, where I want to work someday, did us one better.

Inside Obama's emails

via American in Berlin Rachel Doyle.

Subtle

Yard sign in the hood, featuring the burning Twin Towers of the World Trade Center, the obvious assumption being that only McCain (and PALIN!) can prevent this from happening again. Keep America Safe. And by the way, John McCain can't comb his own hair. So vote for him.


I cannot imagine what the 2012 election is going to be like. This has gotten so out of hand that I am very seriously ready to emigrate to Australia.

In case you're interested, here's where the sign points you to.

Crossposted to Radio Free Babylon.

Notes on a Meeting

You know those people who take fervent notes throughout a meeting? They're the same people who highlight passages in books to the point that most of the book is highlighted. You want to tell them, "Hey, why not just get a bucket of liquid highlighter and dip the whole book in it?"

If I do take notes in a meeting, it's rare that I will ever go back to them. And when I take notes, I invariably create some random one-time character who stares back at me from the notebook, usually mocking my career choice or someone in the meeting who has gone on for far too long. Today, the character is SUMBITCH^TM, some sort of cowboy, who can't fathom what I do or why I do it.

You're Right, Hannity - Journalism is Dead

Watch it and weep—with laughter. Not for Todd Palin's answers, he's a normal guy doing what he has to do, but for Greta Van Sustern's absolute empty-headedness.



Via Wonkette.

Has it Been a Year Already?

What started as a three-month gig in MegaCorp's Cube World^TM is now a year old. I must be doing something right if they keep me around.

Interestingly, it is also the anniversary of Andrew Meyer's stunt. Name not ringing any bells? Good. Because Andrew Meyer is a jackass who attempted fame the stupid way. His shout shall live forever, though.

I Think Eisenhower Warned About This

The "military-industrial complex" that is.

So, I'm following a link from the always funny Public School Intelligentsia over to the Washington Post's political blog, when my visit is interrupted by a GIANT TROOP-CARRIER HELICOPTER FLYING ACROSS THE SCREEN. It eventually lands in the banner ad you see at right in this screenshot, and is then boarded by brave men of our armed forces, carrying a wounded comrade. I'm sure Boeing paid huge money for this ad (as they do for their :60s on most major news networks) and a newspaper can use all the money it can get these days.

Still, it strikes me as oddly pro....something.

Here's Eisenhower's prescient warning, from his farewell address to the nation.



Crossposted to Radio Free Babylon.

Make Hay While the Sun Shines

Nothing to report off in the Atlantic right now. No destruction imminent. In the game of Hurricane Roulette, no one enjoys seeing another city suffer, but everyone who lives in the Hurricane Zone is glad when one skirts their locale.

After every hurricane, there's at least one report of a house that sustained no damage while bearing the worst of the storm. Invariably, these houses are domes. Makes perfect sense. The wind has no corner to grab, like a roof edge, gable or dormer. So why the hell aren't we building more dome houses in hurricane and tornado-prone areas? Insurance rates would drop for coastal dwellers and the federal bailout would be minimized. The house pictured, while a little grand, is one of those that weathered tough storms and came out relatively unscathed.


I'm sure this idea could be mass produced on the cheap, especially for poverty stricken and hurricane ravaged areas like Haiti, the DR and Cuba.

Me, I Prefer Comedy

The local attractions do their best to scare the crap out of everyone for Halloween each year, and Universal Studios typically scares better than most. This year's theme is "Bloody Mary." Here is a shortened but plenty creepy promotion for the event.





The billboards for Bloody Mary are scary enough that local parents are trying to get them taken down.

Shameless Junk From the Campaign Trunks

What time is it? It's McCain Time!



Even worse, from the "Generation Obama" collection, (I shit you not) here's the 30,000^th rip-off of the very stale Got Milk? campaign.

YouTube in 1801

Does This Billboard Make My Head Look Big?

Local personal injury attorney has quite a few of these around town lately. He used to be a sheriff's detective and he's got an easy to remember phone number. Pretty smart for such a big-headed dude. Still a little overboard on the inner bevel, though.

The Better To See Russia From Alaska With

Gots to click it if you wants to read it

Finally - An Issue That Matters

This is starting to get insane. Our politics are a total joke. We say we are electing the "leader of the free world" but this is the shit we care about.

Publishing note: I've decided to revive my other blog to post about politics and other things that aren't as light as the fare usually found here. I'll crosspost here when culture and national affairs intersect with advertising and marketing, which is pretty damn frequently lately, it seems.

Oh, Canada

Why must you follow us into the abyss?

Save The Money and Get a Kid to Do it

Order of American 'Scapers in Service

Since everyone's talking about that Service Nation Summit last night, I'm reintroducing my dream of starting an organization. It's called OASIS, which stands for the Order of American 'Scapers in Service. A 'scaper is a yard dog, a lawn rat, a groundskeeper. I used to be one and it was kind of a nice life, except the pay was ridiculously low.

The root of the mission of OASIS is the free gift of lawn maintenance.

Once a week, OASIS members give their gift to someone who needs it and will appreciate it. If at all possible, it is recommended that OASIS crews practice "guerilla landscaping," where no one even knows they were there. A Landscaping Strike Force, in and out...because the thrill of giving in secret is better than the pride of recognition.

Since I'm calling it an "order," I created this rip-off of the American Seal. I envision members sporting this decal on their trucks and trailers, instantly conveying to potential customers some sort of credibility. The motto "Makin' Cake" comes from what I think a nicely mowed lawn looks like when it's done: perfect chocolate edge, clean and smooth on top, blown off and sculpted. When it's done and you walk away from it, you go, "Damn! Cake!" It's like a temporary art installation. And unlike most jobs, when its done, it's done. There is no question, no committee to review it, no edits and no one saying, "It needs less this or more that."

Right now OASIS consists of a logo, and a lame one at that. I'm still willing to allow John Deere to fund this project.

No More Wood in Your Mouth

A piece of Green Self-Promotion and Eco Self-Congratulation has hit the wires today, and my local business journal dutifully picked up on it, right down to the boilerplate promotion: "Kobe Japanese Steakhouse & Sushi Bar, which opened in 1984 in Altamonte Springs, features teppanyaki, high-quality steaks and Japanese cuisine at eight locations in the Orlando and Tampa areas."

AOL Supports Giving Southwest US To Mexico

What's up with this globe, where Las Vegas is found in the heart of some unknown territory in the Southwest? Someone call Lou Dobbs.

I think the US should annex Baja.

Jesus Supports Your Agenda

For my 1,000th post here at Where's My Jetpack? - a simple Photoshop hack-job in honor of Patriot Day. He makes a fine Republican, doncha think? But he's still two years too young to be elected President.


(This is actually Dick Cheney's official portrait, with the classic Jesus painting head stuck on.)

A View of Advertising - From The Other Side

My local 7-11’s cast of clerk characters is pretty consistent. Not a lot of turnover at this store. One of the best is Babu, a man probably in his late 50s who is as sarcastic a person as I have ever met, so naturally I think he's great. I sometimes think the character of Apu on The Simpsons was based on Babu.

If someone buys a lottery ticket, Babu berates them with a smile, telling them the lottery is all a scam and if you don’t live in Miami you simply can’t win. If a red-eyed landscaper is buying a single blunt, a Big Gulp and a stack of junk food, he will mutter “Don’t you think you’ve smoked enough pot today?”

And this conversation took place yesterday.

Babu: So, where do you work, Dave?
Me: Down at [international megacorp’s identity redacted].
Babu: What do you do for them?
Me: I’m a writer.
Babu: What do you write?
Me: Advertising, mainly.
Babu: So, like publicity. And everything is a wonderful story!
Me: Yeah, that’s a good way to put it.
Babu: (laughing) So, I see. You are a hypocrite! And a liar!
Me: Thanks, Babu. I’m going to go kill myself now.

Lunchtime in Harlem

Reports suggest Bill Clinton and Barack Obama will be meeting for lunch this week. Here’s how it might go down.

BC: So, now you come crawlin’, huh, son?
BO: It’s good to see you, Mr. President.
BC: Cut the crap, Barry. And I’m calling you Barry, so get used to it.
BO: I appreciate you taking the time to meet with me.
BC: You damn well better.
BO: I do.

"I need the Mick Jagger Bill Clinton. The ladies throwing their panties onstage Clinton."

BC: You’re in a world of shit, son.
BO: Can I speak candidly?
BC: Wish you would. Cheeseburger? Onion rings?
BO: No, thank you.
BC: Chicken? Meatball sub?
BO: No, sir. Thank you.
BC: What’s on your mind?
BO: I need the Clinton magic.
BC: Hillary’s out there right now, doin’ her thing for you.
BO: And I appreciate that, Mr. President, but I need you.
BC: How do you mean?
BO: You’ve got a way with the ladies. And they’re leaving me for Palin.
BC: Ain’t she somethin’? Damn! Ol’ John blindsided you, didn’t he?
BO: She’s a fake! A phony! A manufactured cardboard cutout!
BC: Who isn’t, Barry? You want some pizza? A taco?
BO: No, thank you.
BC: Pasta? Banana cream pie?
BO: I don’t have much of an appetite lately.
BC: You’re lookin’ pretty gaunt. And gay, to be honest.
BO: I’m on a tightrope. I can’t attack her, and I can’t keep letting her steal the thunder.
BC: Thunder’s done gone, son. But you’re right—tight spot. But you gotta stop lookin’ like a whiny bitch.
BO: Can you help me?
BC: What do you have in mind?
BO: I need the Mick Jagger Bill Clinton. The ladies throwing their panties onstage Clinton.
BC: Heh, heh, heh, heh. Think that’ll quiet down the Hockey Mama Drama?
BO: It can at least distract them. Do the lip bite. Do the eyes welling with tears thing. The voice crack.
BC: And you're prepared to offer me what in return?
BO: UN Ambassador? Secretary of State? What do you want?
BC: Supreme Court for Hillary. Ambassador to Switzerland for Chelsea.
BO: Done. What about you?
BC: I just wanna be buddies, Barry. I wanna hang out, go to barbecues together, watch some football, drink some beer, shoot some hoops. Just quit leavin’ me on the sidelines, man. I can help.
BO: Done, sir.
BC: I’ll head down South for you this weekend. Hit some county fairs and church suppers and get your mojo back. Salad?
BO: Yes, please. And thank you.


For those who enjoy coincidence, today is 9/9/8 - and this is post #998 on Where's My Jetpack?

I've Decided to Become an Architect

Like much of the country, I have been inspired by Sarah Palin. 

I don't have any training in architecture, I'm not that good at math and most of what I design gets roundly ridiculed and laughed at by my designer friends. 

But I played with blocks as a kid. And Legos. I have a copy of Sketch-Up, too, so I think I'm pretty well set. 

A San Fran based artist/architect has designed this cool looking "off-the-grid" nomad thingy. See more images of it in other environments at Kyu Che's site.

Found at.

Idiocracy & Caribou Barbie

The term "Caribou Barbie" (in quotes) searched on Google nets 15,300 results. That sure didn't take long.

Nevermind that she took little Wasilla, Alaska from a debt-free city to $19 million in debt in her short term, the Rove Machine is selling her as a "fiscal conservative."

Say what you will about the manufacture of Obama, how he is a creation of the Axelrod marketing machine. I have said so much myself. But what we see happening right now is surreal. A total unknown (about whom much more is becoming known) is being sold to the American voting public as a "revolution." Energize that base, "Base" being an excellent synonym for "totally base."

While Mrs. Palin is hiding from the media and learning foreign policy from Joe Lieberman, Obama's star is fading in the afterglow of America's initial introduction to Caribou Barbie and her one speech, written by Bush's speech writers and delivered artfully by the former sportscaster. A quick study, Mrs. Palin will emerge from hiding and dupe millions into thinking that she is a thoughtful, experienced and poised leader, ready to assume the office of President of the United States tomorrow.

If this country elects McCain, (who has sadly been eclipsed by his running mate) we are much closer to Idiocracy than I thought. But I have every expectation that my brain-dead countrymen will do just that.

Now might be a good time to watch that movie.

Getting Way Too Close To Our Customers' Daughters

Today's New York Times Magazine has one of those multi-page supplements that advertise a country in the Middle East. This week, it's Ajman, "Jewel of the Gulf," or "Emerald of the Sand" or some such thing, as they are all known. As usual, it's a bunch of carefully scrubbed copy showcasing the desert boom of the United Arab Emirates, with glittering glass towers and opportunity at every corner. Sultans, Princes CEOs and Sheiks tell you in boring advertorial style that this is where you need to spend your money. "It's the new land of opportunity," their eyes implore from their official portraits.
And within this huge and very expensive PR piece are many easily mocked ads, and since it's early and I can't think yet, I'll go for the cheapest, easiest one. It's for Ajman Bank, where we see a young girl being given to the banker as his new bride as a down payment on a loan.

You Go, (to South Carolina) Girl!

The rage in travel advertising is the "girlfriends getaway." And it's always done the same way. Chicks love, what class? That's right! SHOPPING!

Clichéd, hackneyed and desperate, South Carolina's attempt to get the girls to go wild include these tired images and this sad copy:

Welcome to the shoe-lovers guide to Girlfriend Getaways in South Carolina!

Spending time with your girlfriends, sister or Mom is a great way to share experiences and create memories. But how can they really appreciate a description of a beautiful sunrise at the beach or laugh about getting lost on the back roads of South Carolina only to discover a fabulous winery unless they were there?

So grab your best friend, pack a bag, and book a trip to South Carolina! And don't forget to take home those trophée-chaussures.

Shoe-lovers guide? Of course! All women are obsessed with footwear! And wineries. Chicks also love to pepper their language with what little French they know, showing how sophisticated they are, right ladies?